#passiveparenting

One of the things that keeps me up at nights is thinking about how my kids will turn out? It can be so overwhelming as a parent. The idea of raising children is a massive responsibility and at the same time, a sweet privilege that God gives us parents as we think through what God’s design looks like for the family. 

Psalm 127:3 says that “Children are a heritage from the Lord.” So, we must ask ourselves this crucial question:

What is our vision for family rhythms and discipleship? ...

Establishing this vision is of utmost importance as we try to bring up our children in the fear of the Lord.

Should we center our lives around our kids? Should we center their lives around academics, sports and extracurriculars? Should the focus be on our kid’s happiness and pleasing them so that we are liked by them? Are rules and boundaries necessary? What does structure at home look like regarding habits such as meals, screentime, sleep, and devotions?

I am not able to address all of these but hopefully it’ll give some pause for thought as you start to envision what this looks like in your home. But before running to the drawing board to create a vision, laying down a primer and a biblical foundation will prove to be beneficial.

I. THE WORLD DISCIPLES TOO

What is discipleship? Is it a Christian concept? Does it apply simply to leaders in church or “spiritual” people? Believe it or not, the whole world is being discipled one way or another. Christians and Non-Christians.

Whether it be by the books or magazines we read.

The shows, documentaries, and podcasts that we consume.

By the world of sports including extra-curriculars and the athletic culture for our kids.

The endless scrolling of social media stories, posts, and reels that we allow to shape our opinions and thoughts.

James K.A. Smith call this "cultural liturgies". None of these are necessarily wrong or sinful. They can be incredible resources of common grace for our lives.

The focus to give attention to is that word “resources”.

How we steward the resources of our day-to-day life will determine the standard of flourishing we establish for our lives. Once we understand that, we begin to truly grasp the meaning of ‘discipleship’.

II. DISCIPLESHIP REQUIRES GOSPEL TRUTH

The Christian’s concept of ‘discipleship’ has its own nuance to the conversation. It is anchored to the revelation of God’s word and subjected to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. The Spirit’s awakening at salvation produces a new God-powered faculty that directs the believer to walk in the fullness of God’s will for their lives. This ‘Special Grace’ now informs the common grace.

We get the privilege of making sure all aspects of our lives are now saturated by a discipleship that is:

* Prepared beforehand by the will and love of the Father(Ephesians 1) * Spirit-filled(John 4; John 16), and * Centered on the Good News of Jesus(1 Cor 15:3-6).

This is the bedrock—the primer and foundation of our Christian faith. From this grounding, we gain a right perspective on how to faithfully steward what God has entrusted to us, especially in the context of family discipleship.

Bryan Lorrits says,

“Children are given to us to live out the purposes of God in their generation for the glory of God and the good of humanity.”

As believers, if we don’t have a gospel-centered mindset on discipleship, we will most likely fall short in how we think through the various hurdles that will surely come our way when raising kids for the glory of God.

Without the gospel primer, we will follow the foolish whims of this world. We will rinse and repeat the way our culture tells us to raise our kids.

"The gospel in many ways is about helping us identify this cultural formation". (Jon Tyson - A Creative Minority) But it doesn't just leave us there. The gospel equips us and our family to stand unwavered in the face of competing cultural values.

III. DISCIPLESHIP REQUIRES SPIRIT-LED PRACTICES

Parenting in today's world is noisy and fast-paced. Without careful attention, we risk letting culture—not Christ—shape our children. Habits like waking, mealtime, screen use, homework, bedtime, and devotionals are spiritually formative.

Phil and Diane Comer says it so well: "Children who are patiently instructed day after day, week after week, year after year in how to love God and walk in His ways, until it becomes second nature to them, will likely not deviate from their training when they’re older.”

As Justin Whitmel Early puts it, "The heart always follows the habit."

If we don’t shape these rhythms with intention, the world will shape them for us. If we fail to put in the work to shape these habits of our children’s lives, we are allowing everything under the sun to shape their hearts. Yet habits alone aren't enough.

With that said, I've found parenting often swings between two extremes: passivity and performance.

On one end, parents avoid structure out of fear of being legalistic, hoping kids will grow organically. But a passive approach risks entitlement, unhealthy rhythms, and shallow roots. Faithfulness in parenting goes hand in hand with intentional stewardship.

On the other end, some depend entirely on discipline and habit, believing routines will produce righteousness. When parents in this spectrum read, “Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it”, there’s an unspoken expectation that it will produce righteousness.

Habits “doesn’t mean that if you take your child to church, VBS, or AWANA when he’s young, he’ll always love and walk with Jesus.”(Raising Passionate Jesus followers; Phil and Diane Comer)

Pushing towards habits alone can put an unbearable weight on parents to perform parenting perfectly. Again, our children are not perfect nor are they going to be perfect children. Habits without relying on the Spirit’s work to shape our children is an unfruitful pursuit.

Many try to perform shortcuts or religious acts with an expectation of forming a godly child. But no habit guarantees a godly outcome—only the Spirit can do that.

I pray we avoid being attached to these two extremes. Swing that pendulum as needed.

Swinging the pendulum back and forth between these two spectrums have greatly benefited me in parenting. The reason being: when we swing in momentum, we will never reside with passivity or performance.

Swinging in momentum towards passivity will nurture our children to be indepedent allowing them to make choices within boundaries and their development stage.

When we swing towards performance, we help foster intentionality and healthy habits in them.

As we faithfully wrestle with both these approaches, we are nurturing a humble disposition by submitting to the sovereignty of God in all things.

We have no guarantee of how our children will turn out. We have no control over their final destination.

However, we can be intentional and do our due diligence in placing structure in the lives of our children but at the end of the day knowing full well that our kids belong to the Lord, allowing the Holy Spirit to bear fruit in due season. 

This stuff is really hard.

Who can actually do this?

Even the practical things seem impractical.

Parenting is challenging and often feels impossible.

That’s why we lean not just on practices(or our effort)—but on grace. We need the grace of our Lord Jesus by the power of His Spirit as we employ practices and habits with our children.

IV. DISCIPLESHIP REQUIRES AUTHENTICITY

Relying on the Holy Spirit goes hand in hand with truth. All of life is worship and Jesus says that those who worship Him must worship in Spirit and in Truth.(John 4:24) I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the importance of parents leading these aspects of discipleship in their own practices. Justin Early in that same book, pleads with parents that “…when it comes to spiritual formation our households are not simply products of what we teach and say. They are much more products of what we practice and do.” As parents, we cannot fall into the trap of coaching the game. Actually, God calls us to be in the game with our kids.

Few things frustrate a child more than being told to do chores or devotions while their parent is distracted on a phone. What an opportunity we have as parents to enter into these rhythms with our children—not just telling them, but showing them what it means to follow Jesus through everyday moments.

It gives room for our kids to see our weaknesses and vulnerabilities so that they can see our dependence on our Savior for grace and compassion. It is from this vantage point that we parent, grounded in mercy and love.

Bryan Lorrits in his book, ‘The Dad Difference’ echoes this sentiment by saying, “Dads are human. Admit the flaws. Dads need grace. Children are human too. Be resolute in showing grace than condemnation when its all said and done. Grace is a two way street.”

So then I’d add to my statement before in this way:

Faithful discipleship - over a long period of time coalescing with an unmistakable experience of authentic sanctification in the home life - can paint a portrait of Proverbs 22:6.

Ever since my kids were born, all I could think about was this God-given charge to bring them up in the fear of the Lord.

Is there anything else that could be more pressing? What else could bring eternal life? What else could help them stand firm in a world of sinking sand as they brace to face the sufferings that might be waiting for them so that His glory will be revealed in them? What other fortress can protect them and keep them to the end?

The decision was clear. Chloe, Jonas, and Owen are going to grow up knowing the Good News of Jesus and how it permeates every part of their lives. The call on us all as parents is to do ‘intentional and faithful discipleship led by His Spirit and Truth.’

Resources that I have read and recommend:

The Dad Difference – Bryan Lorrits

Habits of the Household – Justin Whitmel Early

The Intentional Father – Jon Tyson

Raising Passionate Jesus Followers - Phil and Diane Comer