#pass by

지나가다

지나가다

지나가다

I keep being left behind.

I mean that in a macro sense, I always feel left behind, and in the literal sense that this, tonight, is the third fucking time my family (sister and BIL, specifically) have done an oopsie, it slipped our minds, we totally spaced out and forgot to invite you, the other adult that lives in this house, if you wanted to go out to a dinner party with another family.

So I spent all afternoon in angst about it, thinking that Jesus christ, the other family really don't want me around, do they? Like there's something deeply wrong with me.

And I can and, perhaps, never will shake that feeling. That I exist in this world as a burden at the worst and at most I'm. A fucking stray dog. Im a fucking raggedy old mutt that's been rehomed and kicked to the curb, everywhere I've ever gone and there IS no forever home for me. Anywhere. At any time. I've spent decades searching, and every single time I've started to settle in anywhere, it breaks down, into fighting, arguing, drama, triggering stuff that makes me wish I had some release, and then things like this. Bit by bit they start excluding me from outings. Bit by bit it starts "slipping people's minds" that maybe Bryan needs an active invite in because he feels unwanted, and he doesnt want people to look at him like the loser, failure to launch uncle standing awkwardly off to the side, he wants people to actively say hey, come over here, join us.

And it just. Doesnt happen.

And I started to feel proud of myself that tonight I pushed past those negative feelings and took myself to dinner instead of getting sad. And tried to have a good night by myself, and enjoyed my outing, and even if my sister somehow... thought maybe I didnt want to be invited to this dinner party with this other strangers house maybe that was okay because I chose me and I had fun.

But you know how it goes. Im home now, the fun has ended, it's quiet and all I have are my thoughts, and it just feels empty. My sister's apology for her oversight when I got home actually made me feel worse instead of better, I should have been more clear, you should have asked David is not a fucking apology, nor is it a Bryan, we really wanted you to come tonight. It just reinforces what I felt at first, Im not welcome because it makes people feel awkward and uncomfortable to have me around. Like that stray dog in the pound, that nobody ever brings home.

Keep out the cold

No tube rupture

Passing by

防寒し

管破裂せず

やり過ごし