Thinking Again
Some days, I wake, and like a pup there is nothing better than to be up early and have a whole day to waste. I'll eat, run about, maybe go for a walk, or just sit in front of a bright screen and enjoy every minute of it. Its simple, seemingly unscheduled, and perhaps the life of a lazy ass.
Others, I feel inside that something is wrong. It keeps me alert. Quite literally, I twitch my ears and my gaze quickly moves from place to place, thing to thing and from person to person searching for the source of my wariness. Did I hear a threat? Someone following me? Did I skim over something yesterday that I am realizing now? Did I screw a chance to ensure balance in my life? Did I lose an ally? Whatever it is, is usually eludes me. I spend the day in a slight daze, my senses honing in on everything. Paranoid? Perhaps.
Others, I feel...unbiased. I listen and read quietly. My quips are short and amusing for the most part. My explanations long and easily understood. My curiousity demanding, but my wish to share knowledge is more so. These are the days that I can sit and decide things. Plan for emergencies and even see myself as I truly am for once. Other days, it is gray and diluted, biased by present company and experiences.
But mostly, I can stare at my hands and see paws. My foot will sway and tap to my mood as would a tail if I so possessed one. My ears, twitch to attention when my mind click into alertness. My mouth stretches open in a vulgar yawn with a whiney sound to it. My teeth clamp together, the precursor to a warning growl. My tongue sticks out unconcerned and content with my surroundings. My gaze drops and moves away in avoidance, but why? Maybe hurtfulness, or resentment, or restraining myself...maybe. My nails, grow back quick, easy to hurt others or protect as I feel fit. My mind. Tis a battle. Everything in me calls to follow instinct. To claim territory, to protect my pack. My mind, what I now refer to as my human side, It calls for justness, equality and to care more for those in my pack than myself....than my need to place boundaries. My mood wavers. My mind conjuring up scenarios that my body can't take.
Insane? Perhaps I am. But for a moment, ponder this. If to "civilized" and "social" persons this is insanity. Can they be wrong? Humans have spent they're whole existence creating things and boundaries and rules governing not only their own lives but everything else around them. If to them. This is insanity. Then can it also be said that the beasts would view them in the same manner, if they had minds of their own?
Another ramble, beginning with sides of me that combine in me and ending with a thought. One that I will continue to think on even after this is finally published. Which....is now.
