Yondaime Patch Notes
A/N: Just a series of things Minato suffered as Yondaime (every Hokage does, really). Set in Icarus because the verse where no one dies is my happy place.
Day 1: The Hat is Laughing
Minatoâs first unofficial-kinda-official day as Yondaime starts with him losing a taijutsu match to the cloak.
âThe hem is not regulation lengthâ he tells no one in particular, trying to shake it free from under his heel without face-planting.
On the veranda behind him, Kushina crunches senbei and watches like itâs theatre.
âHold stillâ she says, grabbing the back of his cloak before he walks directly into a support pillar. âYouâre twitchier than a genin about to cheat on the written exam.â
âIâm not twitchyâ he says, immediately tripping over the stairs. âIâm⊠aware of the stakes.â
âThe stakesâ Kushina says, dead serious, âare that if you fall on your face in front of the whole village, I will never recover socially.â
------đž------
The hat is worse.
It sits on the Hokageâs desk like a cursed object. White. Crisp. The kanji for âfireâ staring up at him like, sure you wanna do this, blondie?
Minato stares back.
It stares harder.
He picks it up like it might explode and settles it on his head.
Absolute darkness. His peripheral vision dies instantly. The brim slides, smacks the bridge of his nose, and keeps going until heâs effectively wearing it as a lampshade.
ââŠI canât seeâ he says, voice echoing inside the hat void.
Sarutobi exhales smoke in the corner, the picture of a retired man who has successfully passed on a generational curse.
âYou get used to itâ he lies.
Kakashi is at the door in full ANBU gear, doing the worldâs loudest silent judging.
âDonâtâ Minato says, not looking at him.
âI didnât say anything, Hokage samaâ Kakashi replies, in the exact tone of I will be thinking about this forever and Rin and Obito are going to know about it.
Kushina, who insisted on coming along for âmoral supportâ and to laugh, tilts her head.
âYou look like a festival lantern 'ttebaneâ she says. âA⊠very important lantern.â
He takes the hat back off before he says something un-Hokage-like to his wife in front of his teacher and his traumatized child soldier.
------đž------
The paperwork wasnât there when they walked in.
Minato is sure of that.
Now, however, there is a stack on the desk that could blot out the sun. Mission reports. Budget approvals. ANBU rotation requests. Something labeled âURGENT â TAXâ that radiates malice.
He blinks.
âDid that just--â
âI wouldnât do that to youâ Sarutobi says.
Thereâs a beat.
ââŠall at onceâ he adds.
A Nara appears at Minatoâs elbow like heâs been summoned by dread. Shikaku, hair tied back, expression set to âpermanently tiredâ holds out a brush.
âCongratulations, Hokage samaâ he says. âHereâs your pen. And your doom.â
Kushina pats Minatoâs shoulder. âIâll bring lunchâ she whispers. âIf they let you have food in Bureaucracy Hell.â
------đž------
The first form is a requisition request for âthree (3) experimental explosive tags for controlled educational purposes.â
Shikaku hasnât even seen it yet. âDenyâ he says.
Minato squints at the name. ââŠObito put sparkles around his signature.â
âDeny fasterâ Shikaku says.
The next report is from Gai. The mission outcome is one paragraph. The rest is fourteen pages of âFLAMES OF YOUTHâ in increasingly aggressive handwriting.
Minato pinches the bridge of his nose and pretends the hat is blocking this from reality.
Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Sarutobi on the sofa, pipe in hand, looking deeply, obscenely relaxed.
âSoâ Minato says at last, âwhen do I⊠you know. Hokage.â
âYouâre doing itâ Shikaku says.
âI mean outside the office.â
âOh.â Shikaku flips to the next page. âWhen you get to tell people ânoâ to their faces. Donât worry. Theyâre already lining up.â
------đž------
They are, in fact, lined up.
The Fire DaimyĆâs emissary bows low, then talks for ten straight minutes about fabric, ceremony, and a banner color that âphotographs well in ink paintings.â Minato smiles politely and mentally calculates how many shunshin it would take to escape through the window.
By the time the man leaves, Minatoâs âdiplomatic faceâ muscles hurt.
The next visitor doesnât bother knocking.
Jiraiya kicks the door open, pauses theatrically in the doorway like he expected to catch Minato mid-fall, and looks mildly disappointed.
âAwwâ he says. âYou didnât trip in the hat. Whatâs the point of having students if they donât provide slapstick?â
âIâm banning you from all official ceremoniesâ Minato says.
âYou canât ban me, squirtâ Jiraiya replies, swaggering in. âIâm historical color.â
He drops a scroll onto the desk.
âWhatâs this?â Minato asks.
âIntelligence and field notesâ Jiraiya says. âDefinitely not the first draft of a very tasteful novel about a devastatingly handsome blond Hokage torn between duty and--OW.â
Kushina appears from nowhere, whacks him on the head, and steals a corner of the scroll to read.
She snorts. âYou spelled his name wrong.â
Jiraiya looks personally attacked. Minato shoves the scroll aside before the conversation becomes literary.
âHowâs the throne of fire?â Kushina asks, bending to kiss his temple.
âStatisticallyâ Minato says, glancing at the paperwork, âon fire.â
She flips through the URGENT stack, whistling when she hits one in particular.
âOuch. Refugee policy. On your first day? Thatâs rude.â
The humor in the room drops a notch. Minato looks down at the tidy list of border villages, the notes about rations, the word tension underlined three times.
âYeah,â he says. âFirst day.â
She squeezes his shoulder so hard itâs almost a comfort punch.
âYouâll fix itâ she says. âThen youâll come home and weâll laugh about how you almost gave Obito access to experimental explosives.â
âI was not going to approve that,â Minato says.
Kakashiâs mask tilts two degrees into 'thatâs a lie.'
------đž------
By late afternoon, Minato has:
Signed twenty-seven mission files,
Denied three separate Uchiha requests that should have gone to the police,
Approved an ANBU rotation that made Kakashi frown less (apparently the win condition),
Argued with the budget about academy meal programs (âchildren need foodâ vs âmoney is fakeâ),
And written three letters to other village leaders that Shikaku graded as ânot embarrassingâ (high praise).
At some point he makes the mistake of stepping out onto the balcony in the hat.
The village looks⊠different from up here. Smaller and bigger at once. People moving through streets he knows by heart, now under his stupid, heavy hat and objectively excessive cloak.
He grips the railing so he doesnât adjust the hat and yeet it into the valley.
Below, kids race across rooftops. Laundry flaps. Vendors shout. Somewhere, Kushina is probably yelling at someone twice her size.
âHey.â
Jiraiya lands beside him, sandals scuffing stone. For once, he doesnât lead with a joke.
âFirst dayâ he says.
âFeels like it started a week agoâ Minato answers.
âHowâs it fit?â Jiraiya asks, nodding at the hat.
âBadly,â Minato says. âAnd perfectly.â
Jiraiyaâs grin flashes, quick and proud. âGood. Means itâs yours.â
He claps Minatoâs shoulder and steers him back toward the office.
âCome on. If you leave the paperwork alone, it divides.â
âThatâs not how paper worksâ Minato says.
âWait âtil you see the tax forms,â Jiraiya replies darkly.
------đž------
When Minato finally staggers home, the cloak is half off and heâs got ink on his face in the exact shape of his own signature.
Kushina meets him at the door, hair up, apron on, smelling like miso and victory.
âWell, if it isnât Hokage samaâ she says, bowing just enough to be rude. âHow was your romantic day with bureaucracy?â
âI understand Shikaku on a spiritual level nowâ Minato says. âIâve seen the void, and itâs a ledger.â
She laughs, takes the cloak, and - very respectfully - hangs the hat on the peg like itâs not responsible for half his problems.
âYouâll get used to itâ she says.
He looks at the hat. Thinks of the village. Thinks of Obitoâs form. Thinks of the word refugees circled three times in red.
âI willâ he says. âProbably.â
The next morning, the paperwork stack is somehow taller.
Minato looks at it, then at the hat.
He is ninety percent sure the hat is laughing.














