Parentification is a form of abuse where a child is forced to take on the role of a parent. It’s important to note that taking on responsibilities isn’t necessarily parentification. This comes when the level of responsibility given is more than a child should be expected to take on. This can be accompanied by a normalized attitude to it and a child suppressing their own needs and desires. There is a difference between having some chores and parentification.

There are two types of parentification, instrumental and emotional. A child may experience one or both types of parentification. Instrumental parentification involves physical things like cleaning, cooking and caring for one’s self, their siblings and/or their parents. Much parentification is parent-focused, but it can also be sibling-focused. This occurs when a child needs to take on a parental role toward their siblings in such ways as cooking for them, putting them to bed (including such things as reading bedtime stories), helping them with homework or disciplining them.

Emotional parentification is about a child being forced to take on the emotional role that a parent normally holds in a family. They may be treated a lot like being a therapist for their parent. In some cases, it may involve the child taking on the role of a partner to a parent, providing support that a parent would normally get from their spouse. This may include learning about things that are not appropriate for the child, like information about their parent’s sex life and the sexual frustrations that may go with that. A child may take on parental stresses like worrying about money for dinner and finding solutions to family problems because their parents react badly to the problems in such ways as getting upset, having anxiety attacks, etc. The child may also have to reassure their parents that they are “good parents.” They may have to be a mediator for conflicts between their parents. They might be a protector of one parent against the other or siblings against parents, especially if one or both parents are physically abusive.

One of the ways to note the difference between chores or “helping out” and parentification is the way the child’s role is received by their parents. If they are asked to do something to help out occasionally, perhaps given the message that this isn’t normal but is needed temporarily, that is not as likely to be damaging to the child. If they are frequently praised for the way they pick up some slack in the family, perhaps given allowance or other rewards, that is also less likely to make the child subconsciously feel like they’re taking over a parental role. If the action becomes normal and “expected”, that tends to make it more likely to be traumatizing and destructive.

Parentified children generally learn to neglect or ignore their own needs. They may be taught that there is no “space” for them to express problems or desires. They may be ignored or even punished when they show vulnerability. They may learn to worry about the way their parents will react if they express a need. For instance, they may need money for a school trip but believe that their mother will cry or otherwise get visibly upset or stressed if the child asks about it. In such a situation, the child may hide the trip and skip it if possible. Another example may be that a child will attempt to hide not being well from their parents (whether this is physically or mentally). Parentified children are expected to be strong and responsible. They may feel they are the only thing holding the family together.

Parentification may be caused by many different things, including but not limited to: parental disability or illness, divorce, an abusive relationship between parents, parental alcoholism or drug addiction, or the death of a sibling or parent. In many cases, the parents may not register the position they are putting their child in. They may be caught up in grief or stress about a different child’s life-threatening illness. They may be a single parent, working two or three jobs to financially support the family. In some cases, they may even convince themselves that they are teaching their child to be responsible, while not recognizing that they are putting too much on their child. The situation they are in may be a difficult one, where if one or more children did not take on some extra responsibilities, the family would have trouble surviving. However, even in such a case, parentification is more likely to be avoided if the parent(s) make sure to give their children emotional support and listen to their wants and needs, and avoid forcing their children to be therapists for the parent(s). It is important to note that parentification can be traumatizing even in the absence of other trauma, and that parents who do it may be fully aware, partially aware or completely unaware of the position they are putting their child(ren) in and the harm they are doing.

Parentification has many long-term effects. Children who have been parentified may struggle to deal with their own negative emotions. They may bottle them up until they come out explosively, as they were never taught to deal with those emotions in a healthy way. They may carry an attitude forward into adulthood that no one wants to hear about their problems, and that they should be quiet and keep any emotional issues to themselves. Parentification may cause many issues that are often associated with trauma, including anxiety, depression, personality disorders, eating disorders and C-PTSD. As adults, those who were parentified may find that they are always taking on a caregiver position in adult relationships, as they do not know how to avoid such a dynamic or feel that is the only way they can be worthy of affection. They may feel they have to be responsible for everyone else. They may be more likely to end up in abusive or otherwise toxic relationships. They may have trouble getting close to others, out of a fear that they will be exploited in the same way they were as a child. They may be codependent and insecure or afraid of abandonment. They may become hyper independant, as they feel they cannot count on anyone else. If they have children of their own, their parenting may be affected because they were not shown healthy parent/child relationships.

In the small walls, the hum of wires is quieter, the lights off, the small space all shadows. There’s so little space to walk around, just seven steps to the wall, seven steps to the other wall, where he can touch the buzzing fridge, the cold tiny sink, the table squished into the corner. 

Walk to the door. 

The latch, closed. The lock, turned. The other chair pushed under the handle, jammed up tight, secure. 

Morja walks to the corner by the door and, quiet, slow, rearranges the toys again. The little squishy floor-mat of blue and yellow stars was folded small, the little plastic basket had every toy stacked up. But maybe the trucks should go on the bottom and the soft toys on top. 

Trucks. Then the beanbag toys, laid in a row, little bunny, little cat, little dog. No, f-o-x. The two squishy stars. The big plastic ball on top. Neat, nice. Maku will be happy the corner is clean! He swept the floor with his little broom and got all the dust, even the tiny gritty bits, in the can. 

Morja likes when it is clean too. 

Stand up, knees and shoulders making the crackle noise, sore neck, rubbing his eyes again and his back hurts from bending. Walk quiet, so quiet, to the bedroom to check on Lehua. She cried and cried and was mad that Morja wasn’t Maku. Needed to be carried, wailing, until his arms hurt too much to hold her, hearing thumps and yells from the wall behind the kitchen at very loud screams. 

Morja doesn’t scream. He could. He could scream if he wanted but he’s too old for screaming. 

Lehua’s face is pink and clean on her tiny pillow, because Morja played and played and read and read the little book with its cracking spine and bright pictures and by the time she fell asleep, her cheeks were scrubbed from the snot and tears by the washcloth, snuggly and soft, and Morja did a good job.

The light through the blinds makes orange stripes over the tiny body, snuffling, curled around her blanket. Morja is extra quiet when he kneels next to the mattress to touch her head. 

Not hot.

Morja blows out, soft, cause that’s good. This mattress is so soft, bigger than his, with springy bounce. He knows he’s small for his mattress but this one is just nicer, wider, more room for stretching. 

Morja pillows his cheek on the mattress, his nose just so close to Lehua’s balled-up fist, and her chest rises and falls. Sometimes Morja lays awake and watches, when he can’t fall asleep. Watches Maku breathe, the weird rasping wet noise it makes, like a gasp. Watches Lehua breathe, so small it’s sometimes hard to tell it’s happening. 

Morja doesn’t like that kind of breathing, the air that happens when you’re sick. 

The mattress is soft under his cheek. 

Not so scratchy. 

No, c’mon, get up. Keep watch. It’s not Morja sleep-time.

Morja wants to keep the lights on, because, well, he knows he has work. Brightness will help. But it’s so important not to keep the lights on too much cause of money. He chews his lip, thinking. The school has given him pages to practice his language skills, he thinks the tall pale man with a pale shirt and pale hair said. Pale sheets of paper in his hands and so, so many lines. 

Even when it’s dark and there’s a throb behind his eyes, Morja can still be helpful and finish these lines for tomorrow. If he shoves himself into the very corner of the wall, where the bad-wet-smell of the room is strongest, a strong streetlight pokes through slats of window-blinds. 

It’s orange and white and burns in a way that thumps the inside of his head. But it’s bright enough to see the paper. Black lines thump against his eyeballs, neck sore as it bends low to the paper, one fingertip tracing.

What is the right answer to a stranger asking “how are you?” 1. “I am good, thank you.” 2. “I am good, how are you?” 3. “I am good.”

The clock on the top of the stove beeps, red and gleaming through the grills. 

12.00 AM

“Ughhhhhhhhhhhh.” 

Morja huffs through his teeth and rests his head against the wall. The stink and the hum makes his head throb harder but it keeps him up. Pangs shoot through his belly and his hand, sore, thumb and finger raw and indented-red from holding his pen, rubs over his stomach. Hungry is good, it keeps him- he can stay awake if he thinks about eating and how Maku will have maybe a snack from one of the late-car-places.

Dry noodles and powder rattling in a box.

S-t-a-t-e.

Meat in strips, hard and dry and hot.

R-a-e-t-e-a.

Chocolate in shiny wrapping, crunchy nuts and sweet goo and soft fluff, that is so rare.

N-e-w A-t-h-e-n-s.

Salt and sugar and butter and stuff that isn't on the list of what's allowed that Maku takes to the store.

1:00 AM.

Swimming black letters. Orange paper. Icky smell. Head hurts.

Maybe if he closed his eyes for a second.

But what if- Morja grunts and digs his fingers into the burn, sniffing hard. What if the door’s locked and Maku can’t come in? What if Lehua rolls off the bed? What if there’s a fire? 

What if something bad happened?

It’s the ache, like being hungry but worse, that keeps Morja up, more than his head hurting or his eyes itching or his butt and his legs getting sharp prickles. The what if thudding in his small chest, keeping his heart fast and his eyes watery. The worry keeps him awake, keeps him doing a good job, the worry helps.

By the time the sky gets oranger than the streetlamps and the chain rattles in return, Morja has learned how to keep the stomachache constant. By the time it is safe to lay down, he passes the hours to school with his hands over his stomach, the sharpness in his belly, in his chest, pressing, pressing, pressing. By the time he doesn’t need it anymore, it sticks. 

By the time he turns in his papers, clean and white and perfect, Morja learns more than one lesson to be perfect at.

~

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