note: we’re ignoring canon here for a minute. just act like hank 0 never existed, mkay?

𖣳 the most supportive husbands ever. they’re over the moon when you tell them you’re expecting and are so hyped to be dads.

𖣳 in true himbo fashion, they don’t put much thought into their dad names. just dad 1, dad 2, etc.

𖣳 contrary to canon, you guys do NOT name any of the babies hank 0. they’re all confused at first but eventually understand when you explain it to them (“they will be bullied relentlessly. trust me, i’m doing them a favor.”)

𖣳 they all mutually agree that hank 5 will be the first to become a dad but trust they want their own with u too (i personally see the order as hank 5, 3, 1, 4, and then 2. i will not be arguing on this as i am right)

𖣳 i hope you got gas money because each kid will want to play a different sport and you gotta help drive them to all their practices. (you are also forced to be a double minivan family. i am so sorry 💔💔)

𖣳 hank 1 is a boy dad, hank 2 is a MEGA girl dad (yall get identical twins and that freaks him out cause what if he mixes them up and he can’t figure out who is who :(( ), hank 3 is also a girl dad, hank 4 is a boy dad, and hank 5 is boy dad as well

𖣳 two words: bunk. beds. the boys share a room while the girls have their own room. the boys think the bunks are the coolest thing ever and love to jump off the top bed (the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree) while the girls make it into rapunzel’s tower.

𖣳 each kid has an assigned color and they love it. until they hit age 10 and then everything is uncool.

𖣳 when your daughters grow up and get their periods, all five of them are making sure that everything’s okay. heating pads, chocolate, pain meds, anything else they need, they got it. (it also helps that the girls are close to eachother so they always sync up so they know if one has their period, the other two will quickly fall behind.)

𖣳 so supportive of the kids in everything they do. they will go to those toddler dance recitals and be cheering for their little girls as they just stand there and maybe spin once or twice

𖣳 as much as i love these himbos, please do not let them cook. one time you weren’t home for dinner because of traffic and you came home to the oven on fire. from that day on, you always leave them money to buy emergency pizzas (cause it’s cheaper than a new oven)

𖣳 any group family activity is the most chaotic thing ever. two kids are fighting, another one roamed off, one is crying, the other two are on leashes cause they keep touching everything, and all of the hanks are talking over each other. (ik any public place HATES to see yall coming)

𖣳 the longest, most expensive grocery bill u have ever seen 💔💔 at least there’s 6 of u bringing in income or else yall would be in major debt

⏻ they sing daisy belle to help the kids fall asleep (get it? cause they’re a computer? in reference to this (the first computer to sing was my hyperfixation for a good year so i’m very proud of this reference))

⏻ mac lets the kids compete to see who can push them the fastest (can confirm that pushing someone is far more fun than being the one pushed)

⏻ squeezing “i love you” in morse code to the kids in crowded spaces

⏻ if your eyesight is anything like mine (horrible (double astigmatism 💔💔)), y’all’s kids will be as blind as a bat. but it’s fine, cause babies with glasses are super cute (and mac loves helping them pick out a style they like at the eye doctor)

⏻ mac gives me pta parent vibes. the school would be in disarray without them. the field trips, fundraisers, all of it is organized by mac. despite all that, they refuse to be head of pta because they don’t want to be in charge of a bunch of competitive moms.

⏻ mac is the type of parent to be able to do work while dealing with a squirmy kid on their lap without getting distracted(shout out to anyone who can do that cause i get overstimulated too quickly)

⏻ they’re always willing to share their food with the kids too. nothing is sacred anymore after having kids 💔💔

⏻ if yall decide to get a surrogate, they’re doing so much research on it (“okay so this surrogate has been a surrogate for the past 5 years and involves the parents in everything little thing but this surrogate lives closer to us and sends gifts to the kid every year on their birthday…”)

(mainly abt the kids as teens when ur pregnant)

𖢻 definitely cries more than u when eilonwy is born

𖢻 speaking of eilonwy’s birth, he just stands over the bassinet and watches her the entire time ur asleep. she grabs his finger and he starts sobbing all over again (average first dad experience)

𖢻 when the doctor tells yall that the baby can finally start to hear things outside of the womb, chance takes full advantage of this. he’ll just lay there and talk to your belly about his upcoming campaigns. if you try to join the conversation, he’ll look up at you with a raised eyebrow and say “umm, this is a private conversation between me and eilonwy, can you not?” (sassy chance my beloved

𖢻 throwing eilonwy over his shoulder like she’s made of air and that confirming that u need that man to breed u again asap.

𖢻 taking it upon himself to tell eilonwy the difference between boys and girls when she sees u changing kylian (thank u chance 🫡)

𖢻 i am a firm believer in sleeve chance and i can definitely see him getting the kids names tattooed somewhere in the sleeve (the kids like to try and find it)

𖢻 the exact opposite of how u expect a dad to act when his daughter starts dating someone. invites eilonwy’s bf over for dinner after her first date with him. best believe they are best buds after that day (eilonwy’s bf won’t even have to ask for permission to marry her. he’ll just walk into chance’s office all nervous and say “sir…” and without looking up from what he’s working on, chance goes “you can marry her.”)

𖢻 a literal GOD of bedtime stories. (we already know this)

𖢻 giving kylian the talk and everything for u when he becomes a teen (again, thank u chance. i can do broken bones and blood, but puberty? absolutely not.)

𖢻 will pick up on the kids’ sleeping patterns so that he always knows when the prime time to get freaky without interruptions is

𖢻 kids can’t pull sneaking any alcohol under yalls roof cause chance doesn’t drink often so it’s definitely noticeable when the liquors been tampered with

𖢻 definitely a field trip parent

aww, tyy! (for all intents and purposes, child is referred to as caleb)

🁡🂺⚃♘ dad!parker hcs 🁡🂺⚃♘

♖ idc what any of yall say, that man is a boy dad to the highest degree.

♖ speaking of ur son, he’s a carbon copy of parker. holy fuck the resemblance is uncanny. your genes saw parker’s in the womb and instantly started waving their white flag.

♖ because of this, i can definitely see parker and caleb not getting along that well when caleb gets older because they’re far too similar to tolerate each other

♖ i just know parker is an amazing story teller at bedtime. does difference voices and everything.

♖ oh my gosh the newborn stage takes this man OUT. the lack of schedule from a newborn drives him up the wall (“i just don’t understand why he has to pick different times every night to eat”)

♖ but having a kid is also a huge learning experience for him. kids are crazy and will mess up any plans you have and push all your boundaries. caleb definitely causes parker to calm down a bit and go with the flow more but it doesn’t entirely “fix” his rigidity nature

♖ i can definitely see parker trying to get caleb into baseball at a young age

♖ the type of parent that corrects their child’s grammar without batting an eye (*sitting at the dinner table* “today as schools-“ “school” “today at school me’s-“ “i”)

♖ goes without saying, but family game night is taken very seriously in he house

♖ *caleb says something stupid and entirely wrong* *parker, taking a deep breath and trying not to crash out* “that’s not right in the slightest but i’m glad you’re expressing yourself”

♖ would have one of those large ass diaper bags when caleb is a baby. i’m talking those HUGE ones. he just likes to be prepared, okay?

♖ definitely asks chance for parenting advice because chance “just makes it look so easy” (that’s cause chance is a therapist, parker while ur job is yelling at kids lol (we love him tho))

♖ definitely has a deck of cards with him at all times to play with caleb whenever he’s bored (cause kids will be bored 90% of the time)

RAHHHHH IT IS TIMEEEE

⌁₊˚⊹ dad!eddie and volt hcs ⊹˚₊⌁

⚡︎ eddie is def the more protective one. the type of parent to make sure their kid has elbows and kneepads on instead of just a helmet

⚡︎ volt would give ur kid liquor when they’re teens, claims its legal (“if it’s on private property with parent permission, they can drink!” “i still dont want you giving our 14 year olds alcohol even if it’s legal!!”)

⚡︎ what even is a poly parent fic without heteropaternal superfecundation? so yeah, yall have that. (volt: girl, elane, meaning bright, shining light, or light bearer. eddie: boy, nick, short for nikola, as if nikola tesla (yes im brining tesla into this, im a history nerd. he’s hot and alternative currents are scientifically wayyyy better than direct currents))

⚡︎ the twins have separate rooms by the time they’re five cause they can’t stop fucking fighting. it’s legit so bad that it was driving eddie, volt, and u insane. (eddie has placed bets on the twins fights at some point)

⚡︎ nothing is ever clean ever again. like i mean seriously. the twins mess things up faster than the three of u can clean. they could legit power a whole city with how much energy they have

⚡︎ speaking of powering cities, there’s a poem in “i invited a dragon to dinner” where this kid is so hyperactive the mom sets up this entire contraption and the kid legit powers the city. anyways, that’s the twins favorite because u always tell them that you’re going to do it to them if they don’t calm down

⚡︎ if you thought there was no room in your bed already with eddie and volt, the twins just further add onto that. there is no room ever to roll over in the bed because the twins are sandwiched between eddie, volt, and u. so yeah, better start researching where u can get a bed that’s bigger than a king

⚡︎ there are times where u guys are to busy to communicate with each other so there have been days where you packed two lunches for elane and nothing for nick. and yes, nick refuses to eat the food his sister eats because of course he does. the school front office knows u guys very well by now

⚡︎ the twins are the biggest cock blocks ever, so expect yourself having to rent a hotel room if you ever want to sleep with your husbands ever again

⚡︎ there is one good thing about the twins being so different and that’s when it comes to cupcakes. elane only likes the frosting and nick only likes the cake. so u end up just buying one and giving the designated side to the twins. boom. they’re both happy and you only had to pay for one cupcake, parent of the year right here.

⚡︎ when elane got her ears pierced as a kid, nick was so jealous so volt took him to get his ears pierced the next day without telling u or eddie. yeah, not his best idea (but nick was so happy so ig u can’t complain TOO much)

⚡︎ okay so i sent a video to @m1chaelsb0nes a while ago of this dad not knowing how to fill those formula coffee machine things cause his husband always did it for him and that is just so painfully volt. he does not know how to work that thing even though he was the one that suggested u guys buy that stupid machine in the first place. eddie gets worried after that if volt truly knows how to do anything baby related

⚡︎ when u guys don’t use the machine tho they always joke if the twins want it shaken or stirred

⚡︎ truly the best dressed at elane’s daddy daughter dances. they love their little girl oh so much.

⚡︎ the twins def know who their biological dad is, it isn’t rlly hard to tell. this doesn’t change anything tho, eddie and volt are both their dads and they love them both equally

⚡︎ nick got rlly into baseball as a kid and plays on the team parker’s an umpire for

⚡︎ the twins def have their own signature color. elane is like a dusty light blue while nick is more of a graphite grey color

⚡︎ eddie and volt is the baby wearing duo ever. look me dead in the eyes as tell me u cant see them rocking a baby sling.

⚡︎ i refuse to acknowledge eddie and volt’s realization and in my mind they still own a bar even when they become humans (shoot me, idgaf), so they definitely have signature drinks named after the kids. (elane is vodka mixed with lime juice passion fruit, nick is whiskey mixed with cola and lemon juice.) (also their first legal drink when they turn 21 cause like i said, both eddie and volt have been sneaking them drinks the entirety of their teenage years)

⚡︎ also adding onto “volt and eddie still own a bar” thought, the regulars are so used to seeing the twins just sitting at the bar next to them doing homework. like imagine you just walk into a bar for the first time and there’s just some 7 year olds at the bar, drinking shirley temples while working on times tables and eating fries. i think i would genuinely tweak tf out. (“um, hi guys, where your parents?” and the twins just point behind the bar where volt is pissing eddie off)

⚡︎ they LOVED telling ppl that they had two dads as a kid. “so like how i have my daddy and my moms boyfriend?” “no. they’re both our dads.” “then how are you guys twins?” “mommy says it’s magic but i don’t believe her.”

⚡︎ dumbass kids. i’m talking concussions at least once a year. they’re trying to slide down railings and see if a thin ass branch can hold them. they treat their injuries as trophies. they have actually dislocated their elbows and shoulders so much that eddie, volt, and you just know how to pop them back in