#para17

Benji woke up, back in his own bed with a sleeping Franco in his arms. He felt every part try to convince him otherwise, but he had already decided to bite the bullet--he was 18. He had to get out of this arrangement, and he had to tell his boyfriend the whole truth. "...Franc? Baby?" he whispered, his arms still wrapped around his boyfriend.

Franco rolled over, his sleep interrupted which wasn't great as it was the first time he'd slept properly. Opening his eyes tiredly and smiling as he saw Benji, glad the boy was back in his bed he nodded, "Hey baby" he said, yawning, "You OK?" He asked as he stretched and sat himself up.

Benji bit his lip, sitting up slightly, Franco still laying on his chest. "We need to talk," he said quickly, hoping pulling the band aid off quicker would be better in the long run. "I..." He bit his lip and looked down. He couldn't do this; if it resulted in Franco relapsing, he would never forgive himself. "...I want Topher to be my Best Man," he squeaked.

Franco cleared his throat and looked at younger boy, "You woke me up to ask about a best man?" He said amused, "Of course you can have him. You can have whoever you want babe".

"I... no," Benji admitted, shaking his head. He took a breath. He needed to come clean with his feelings--at least some of them. "We need to talk about converting... And I'm not asking for a timeline here, or for you to start classes tomorrow, or anything like that. I jumped the gun on planning because I got nervous and scared. I... I admit that." 

He looked down at his boyfriend, swallowing hard before he continued. "But the way you responded to me asking you to convert... it wasn't okay. Franco, I have sacrificed so much of myself for you, okay? My physical body, my emotions, my time, my resources... all of that and more just to keep you sober and happy. And all I've asked for in return is for you to love me. And I know that religion makes you uncomfortable and you don't understand it or whatever, but... it's important to me--honestly, one of the most important things to me. So for you not to agree to taking conversion seriously, especially since there's literally nothing that you lose from it... it upsets me. ...How am I supposed to marry someone who won't even sit through a class for me? Especially after everything I've done for them?"

Franco sat himself up further, knowing this conversation would have to come at some point. He nodded, "Yeah I was thinking about it too babe" he admitted.

"The way I acted over the whole thing was childish and petty and I just, it's because I have my own reservations sure". He took a moment to breathe, fiddling with his hands. "I know what I've put you through has been crap and honestly, just the idea of how much I've hurt you has made me wonder if it would be kinder to let you go but the heartache that comes with that, I don't want to". He paused again and sighed, "I can't read or write very well Benji" he admitted out loud, something he was sure he'd never actually said before, "Its why I acted the way I did. I don't want to look like a fool and not pass or whatever it is these classes do".

"Oh, Baby..." Benji murmured, lightly kissing the top of Franco's head. He took a moment to process what Franco had said--he knew it couldn't've been easy to come clean about something like this. "Why didn't you tell me earlier? It's just a lecture, Baby... where someone comes up and talks to you about Judaism. There's no tests, no writing, you don't even have to read along if you don't want to... you just have to show up and go in with an open mindset. And that's all I wanted you to do anyway." 

He hugged his boyfriend close, hoping his next sentence wouldn't cross a line. "I can help you improve your reading if you'll let me... We could read Harry Potter together, maybe? An hour a night before bed?"

Franco gave a small scoff and shook his head, "Cause it ain't something I tell people. I can read small words but you've seen how I text. I can hardly understand some of the stuff people say to me most of the time". He listened about the converting and nodded, "Look, I want to do this. I'm worried about not understanding a word but I'll go in with an open mind and listen sure".

Franco thought about the idea for a moment and nodded his head, "I suppose it couldn't hurt to learn to read better and those books are meant to be good so..." He sighed, "Can I do the class after I've gotten better at reading and writing and stuff?" He asked, "No rush right?"

"I thought you just wanted to type faster..." Benji admitted quietly. He was a little ashamed that he had never noticed; the signs were all there. 

"No rush on the class," Benji repeated, kissing the top of Franco's head. "But you know what we can start right now..." he leaned over to the nightstand and opened the little drawer, pulling out a hardcover copy of the first book in the Harry Potter series. "C'mere, Baby. Sit up so you can see the words. I'll read you two pages, then you read me one, okay?"

Franco gave a small laugh, "I wish it was cause I wanted to type faster. It's kind of my own fault for not really paying attention in class at all but I just always struggled". 

Franco watched as Benji grabbed the book and nodded, "Yeah sure, we can read for a bit" he said, "Just, remember I can't read super fast or anything and this could be painful for you" he said. He looked at Benji and asked, "Can you help me write better too?"

Benji kissed the side of Franco's head. "You read as slowly as you need to. Sound thing out, and know that I'm gonna correct you a lot. But it's to help. as long as pay attention, it'll get easier very quickly."

At Franc's question, Benji nodded. "Reading and writing go hand in hand, so the better your reading gets, the better your writing will get too; we can figure out some extra things to do too though."

Franco smiled into the kiss and nodded, "It'll be slow for sure" he said, dropping his hand down between them and looking at the book, "I won't get an ass on if you correct me and maybe if I do good, you can make me breakfast" he said jokingly. 

"Thanks babe. I always feel like a twat when I am trying to text people and I can't even type words proper you know".

Benji smiled. "Sure. Whenever we finish a chapter, I'll make you breakfast the next morning. How's that sound?"

He gave Franco another kiss. "Chapter one - The Boy Who Lived. Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal..."

Franco listened to Benji read for a while and when he felt ready he took the book and took a deep breath, "He dashed back across the road, hurried up to his office, snapped at his sec.... sec... ugh". He'd already taken a while to read the line, having to repeat some of the words to get them in his head but he was thrown, trying to break down the next word, "Nope... Nope, I can't do it babe" he said, a little bit of sadness in his eyes.

"Shh, you can do it," Benji cooed, giving Franco another kiss on his forehead. "Let's sound it out, okay? Sec... ret..." he started, encouraging him to sound it out with him.

Franco looked back at the word and focused really hard, "Sec...ret... a....ry" he said, saying it twice more like that and then saying, "Secretary?" confused as to whether he'd actually gotten it right.

Benji nodded, unable to help the smile forming on his face. "I told you you could do it. Keep reading, Baby. And let me know when you wanna switch again."

Franco continued to read for a little bit, repeating words or breaking them down himself and managing them and then he got to one line 'He found it a lot harder to co....con... concernate' but he knew he'd gotten it wrong... "No, I can't do this" he said shaking his head, "It's just too difficult".

"Baby, look," Benji pointed to the page number. "We're 4 pages in already. You can do this. You're already doing it. Let's just slow down and make sure we're getting all the syllables, okay? Do it with me. 'Con... cen..."

Franco pouted a little, handing the book back to Benji and slinking down so his head was on the others shoulder. He found the word again and looked at it harder, "Con....cen...ner....ate" he said, looking to Benji for approval

Benji gave him a soft kiss on the forehead. "One more time. There's only 2 'n's. Let's look at all the letters really closely. 'Con.. cen...tr..."

He sighed and continued to look at it, "Con...cen...tra...te". He hoped he'd gotten it this time, one word should not be so freaking hard. He looked up to Benji for approval

Benji nodded, hugging Franco closer. "Now smoosh it altogether: 'concentrate'." He smiled, "you've got this, Baby. Look how much you've already gotten through."

Franco nuzzled into the cuddle, finding it so hard to believe that only 24 hours ago, he'd been wondering where Benji was and not sleeping. He nodded, "Con..cen..trade" he said, his final try as he repeated what Benji had said, "I don't wanna read any more" he said, feeling a little deflated from the struggle

"Concentrate," Benji repeated gently, not wanting to stress the mistake, but wanting Franco to hear the correct way to say it. He knew his boyfriend was trying his hardest and that was all he could ask for. He kissed him lightly. "You don't have to read anymore. Do you want me to read to you for a while? Or do you wanna be done for the night?"

Franco nodded at the minor correction but he was happy he'd gotten as far as he did. It had taken a while, probably close to an hour just to get through the small part he'd reas but it felt like an accomplishment in itself. When Benji mentioned stopping for the night, he raised an eyebrow and looked over the the clock on his desk, "It's 5am... What time did you wake me up?".

Benji grimaced when Franco mentioned the time. He hadn't meant to wake his boyfriend up so early, but he had to--the guilt was eating him alive. "I don't know," he admitted, disappointment in himself obvious in his voice, "I'm sorry. I just... needed to get that off my chest before I got too guilty and ran off again."

Franco shook his head and smiled, "Doesn't matter, you are worth being woken up for". He moved himself further down the bed and put his arm out, "Come on" he said, "How about for a change you cuddle into me? I'll be the big spoon for once?" He asked.

"...Really?" Benji asked cautiously, a smile forming on his face. He cuddled up to Franco and sighed contently; he had never been the little spoon before--now he understood what all of the fuss was about. "Are... are you sure you're feeling okay, Babe?"

Franco smiled and nodded, "Yeah really". He watched as Benji cuddled into him and he stoked Benji's arm, "Yeah I'm good. I just had a lot of time to think".

Benji smiled lightly, closing his eyes. He didn't want to jump the gun and say taking time away was a good thing, but it did seem to someone clear not only Benji's mind, but Franco's as well; to his knowledge, he had never experienced Franco acting so mature before. And he definitely couldn't remember the last time Franco put what Benji wanted above his own wants. It was a fresh change that made Benj excited for the future. 

"I have the best fiancé ever," he whispered, knowing Franco would love the praise, "I love you."

Franco smiled at the words, the first time he'd heard them without what could be fear behind them. He gulped, this thinking has made him realise he needed to be mature, needed to be an adult now. He kissed the top of Benji's head, "I wouldn't go that far" he breathed out, "I love you too Benji".

~~

Later that morning, Benji snuck away to make breakfast for Franco, sneaking back to bed with a tray of food in his hands. "Baby?" He whispered, sitting on the corner of the bed. "Wake up, Baby. I've got a surprise for you!"

Franco groaned as he heard Benjis voice pulling him put of his sleep and he opened his eyes, seeing Benji on the corner of the bed, "Hey" he said sleepily, "You got me breakfast?" He asked, "I didn't finish the chapter".

Benji smiled. "Sure you did! You finished a chapter in our relationship. Instead of arguing with me, we talked maturely. For the first time, you offered to be the big spoon because you considered what I might want. You finished a chapter, alright. And I'm excited to see what the next one's gonna be." 

He scooted further onto the bed, then turned to Franco. "So c'mon. Get over here so you can eat."

Franco smiled, "I guess, like I said, I had time to think and I really didn't enjoy you not being here. If there's anything you want, then you just have to ask Benj". He sighed looking at his lap, "I can't promise you everything will be perfect from here on out cause we both know I'm still gunna have cravings and shit but I'm gunna really try". 

He moved himself forward and sat upright in the middle of the bed, "Let's eat babe" he said gently "And then, maybe after we eat, we can start doing things you want to do? Just tell me all day what you want to do and we'll do them. Let's make this a Benji day" he added, leaning forward and kissing Benji on the forehead.

"I don't need everything to be perfect, Franco. I just need you to promise me that you'll try." 

He sat next to Franco on the bed, setting the tray up so it was on top of them both. "A Benji day?" he asked, pouring syrup on the waffles as he thought; he had never been offered a 'Benji day' before... What did he want to do? "Well I've been gone for a while, so I don't wanna leave the apartment, but... maybe we just have a lazy day? TV, music, order food for lunch?"

Franco nodded, "Of course I'll try. I really want us too work". 

Franco beamed, "Yes, a day were we do what you want" he explained. He got not wanting to go out and he was more then happy to stay in, "You pick the show, the music and the food and I'll even try and only smoke once or twice".

Benji smiled; he could definitely get used to this. "Honestly, you can pick the TV show, Baby. I'm not picky. But as far as food... let's order burgers. And we'll wait until after lunch to figure out music, hmm?" He speared a piece of food and lifted it towards Franco's lips. "Open."

Franco smiled and nodded, "Well then TV will be friends for sure cause I am getting into that at the moment" he smiled and then nodded at the idea of burgers, "Burgers is a shout! I want a really sloppy burger!". He opened his mouth and lent forward and took the food, "You don't have to feed me again babes, I can do it myself".

Benji laughed lightly. "I know I don't have to, but I thought you liked it? Just because it's a 'Benji Day' doesn't mean I can't do things for you too, y'know." He snuck a piece for himself and leaned forward, kissing Franco's forehead. "Besides, I'm technically stealing your breakfast right now."

Franco shrugged his shoulders, "I do like it and you know that" he said simply, "But I wanna focus on you for once and not just me. I've stolen so much of your time being selfish recently, it's time you got to be the selfish one". He watched as Benji took some food and smiled, "You can eat breakfast too, you know."

Benji smiled, taking another piece off the plate. "Who are you, and what have you done with my boyfriend?" he teased, pulling him close and giving him a kiss. "I like this guy too though. He's so mature and empathetic."

Franco smirked, "Not sure what that last word means but I know what mature means and I don't think anyone has ever used it too describe me before" he said. He smiled at the other boy, "I ain't about to promise you things are gunna get really good cause lord knows I've been having problems but, bare with me and I promise they'll get better".

"Empathetic means you make a point to think about other people's feelings," Benji explained lightly, his arm still around Franco. He loved this new-Franc; as long as he continued to be open and honest, he wouldn't mind having to explain a few words here and there. 

 "As long as you're willing to fight to make this better, I am too," he whispered. "I love you, Franc."

RACHEL: It's been a rough weekend.

Rachel typically looks forward to Mondays—to having a whole day to herself when she doesn't need to be at the theatre and, lately, when she can look forward to spending time with Quinn. She wishes she could say that she's looking forward to that today, but the circumstances taking her to New Jersey are less than ideal.

Quinn does seem to be feeling better after her episode on Friday. She'd fallen into a somewhat restless sleep that night in Rachel's arms, and she'd still been depressed and a little twitchy in the morning, but she'd seemed to gradually improve as she'd taken another dosage of the medication her doctor had prescribed.

Rachel had, of course, looked up all the potential side-effects of ziprasidone while Quinn had slept and relayed each and every one of them (and there had been many) to Kaitlyn, giving her firm instructions to watch for them in Rachel's absence. Kaitlyn had assured her that she would.

Leaving Quinn Saturday morning had been one of the hardest things that Rachel had ever had to do, but after missing her show Friday night, she couldn't afford to miss her weekend performances too. Quinn had urged her to go, assuring her she would be alright with Kaitlyn (even though she hadn't sounded quite as confident about that as Rachel would have liked) and reminding her of how disappointed all her fans would be if they couldn't see her as Andy. So Rachel had stayed with Quinn as long as she possibly could before reluctantly calling a taxi and instructing him to take her straight to the theatre. She'd barely made it there in time to throw on her costume and hit her cue.

Saturday's performances had been far from being her best—between her lack of sleep and her constant calls and texts to Quinn and Kaitlyn. She's so very grateful that Stephanie had been right there with her intuition and compassion to keep Rachel from completely falling apart. She'd taken one look at Rachel and had just seemed to know that her missed performance wasn't just due to a case of Rachel feeling under the weather, and she'd offered her shoulder up for Rachel to lean on.

Sunday had only been a little better in terms of Rachel's performances, distracted as she'd still been by checking in with Quinn, but Quinn had sounded close to her usual self when they'd talked before her evening show. That's when she'd told Rachel that she'd made an appointment with her therapist, Dr. Herrara, for Monday and had asked Rachel (reluctantly and obviously battling her own embarrassment and pride) to come with her. There was simply no way that Rachel could refuse.

And that's why she's on her way to New Jersey today.

It's not that she doesn't want to be there with Quinn—she absolutely wants to support her and finally have a chance to ask a professional what more she could be doing to help prevent Quinn's episodes—but she can't shake the worry that Dr. Herrara will confirm her worst fears and tell her that her very presence in Quinn's life is doing more harm than good. Rachel doesn't know what she'll do if that happens.

QUINN: Quinn sits inside her idling car—having retrieved it yesterday from the MetLife Stadium parking lot—and waits.

Rachel's train should be arriving any minute now, except this time, she's not meeting Quinn in Bloomfield, but instead is going a few more stops into Montclair, where Dr. Herrara's office is located.

This past weekend was hell. Although, it certainly wasn't the worst that Quinn has ever experienced, and fortunately, starting the new medication when she did seemed to have helped her recover from that episode faster.

But even though Quinn's feeling better, relatively speaking, her body aches and her energy levels are lower than normal. There's also a measure of shame that lingers from Rachel having had to see that episode, and she feels guilty that it had a negative impact on Rachel's own well-being.

Quinn loves Rachel, and she wants this relationship to work, but not at Rachel's emotional and physical expense. After Quinn shared those fears with Dr. Herrara over the phone, her doctor suggested Rachel come with her today. It's a big step, and even though it's a little nerve-wracking, Quinn hopes that it helps them get on track.

RACHEL: The train ride to Montclair takes almost an hour, and Rachel spends most of it willing her body to relax and her mind stop creating worst-case scenarios for how Quinn's session might play out.

It's not as if Rachel isn't familiar with therapy—she'd gone through years of it in her teens and again in college, when she'd needed numerous sessions to help her get through the aftermath of Finn's death, and then again after she'd had her first sexual experience with a woman—but she's been admittedly lax in keeping regular appointments since her breakup with Riley. Her last session had been in November, shortly after Quinn had come back into her life but before their relationship had turned romantic, so she should probably think about calling Dr. Hunter again. She can't keep relying on Stephanie to be her sounding board for all of this.

She certainly can't trust her other friends with her worries about Quinn. Maybe Blaine. He's been pretty understanding, and Kurt is trying, but Rachel can tell that he's still not convinced that Quinn is good for Rachel.

And Santana—well, that's just never happening now. Although Brittany had called Rachel on Friday and again on Saturday to ask if Quinn was okay, genuinely concerned about her. Rachel would like to believe that maybe Santana was also genuinely concerned and not just feeling guilty about the part she'd played in Quinn's episode, but Rachel just can't be certain.

Rachel's phone buzzes with a text from Quinn, letting her know that she's waiting at the station, and Rachel clutches it to her chest as stares out the window in an attempt to determine exactly where she is. The minutes drag by indefinitely before the train finally begins to slow, and Rachel is up and out of her seat long before it comes to a stop, making her way down the aisle to wait at the door. She needs to see Quinn and touch her and hold her and assure herself that Quinn is really okay.

QUINN: Even though she's bone tired, the moment she hears the train's horn, Quinn is out of her car—her heart beating a little faster.

Short moments later, the train comes to a stop, and the second the doors open, Quinn spots Rachel, and the physical reaction to the sight of her girlfriend is instantaneous—a mixture of love, affection, gratitude, and guilt.

Even from a hundred feet away, Rachel looks both tired and anxious, and Quinn can't help but feel responsible. It's what keeps her rooted to her spot alongside her car despite wanting to wrap Rachel in her arms.

RACHEL: Stepping onto the platform, Rachel glances around in search of Quinn. It takes a few seconds to spot her standing by her car, and Rachel's eyes drink in the sight of her. She looks tired and nervous, and Rachel's heart aches for her.

And then her feet are moving, taking her straight to Quinn until she can wrap her arms around her girlfriend and hug her tightly as she closes her eyes and breathes her in.

Quinn's arms slide around her back and hold her close, and for the first time in days, Rachel feels like she's standing on solid ground again.

Rachel would be happy to stay like this—in Quinn's arms—forever, but eventually, she pulls back just enough to study every line of her face, searching for any sign that she's still struggling.

"How are you feeling?" she asks, lifting a hand to stroke Quinn's cheek. "You haven't been experiencing any side-effects from the medication, have you?"

QUINN: She briefly closes her eyes as Rachel brushes her fingers against Quinn's cheek, soaking in her girlfriend's gentle touch and genuine care. Rachel's support has really been a blessing through this latest episode.

Quinn's eyelids flutter open then, and she gazes into searching, brown eyes. "I'm tired," she replies honestly, "but the only side effects seem to be dry mouth and a slight headache."

The worry still lingers in Rachel's gaze.

"But I'm... I'm feeling a lot better, and you're a big reason why. I'm so glad you're here."

RACHEL: Quinn's reassurances ease a little of Rachel's worry, and she feels her lips pull into a tiny smile. "I'll always be here for you, Quinn," she promises, even though that fearful voice in her head keeps whispering 'as long as I'm not making everything worse.'

Rachel forcibly shakes off the thought. Quinn keeps telling her that she makes it better, so Rachel is going to choose to believe her. And she does seem better now, and the smile on her lips as she gazes at Rachel is so very beautiful.

Cupping Quinn's cheek again, Rachel leans in and brushes a soft, chaste kiss over those smiling lips, offering a moment of sweet relief to them both before they have to see Quinn's doctor.

QUINN: Her smile grows at the feeling of Rachel's lips against hers. Quinn is reluctant to pull away from Rachel's touch, but they really do need to get going if they're going to be on time for their appointment.

Letting out a soft sigh, she and Rachel get into Quinn's car, which is still idling. After putting it in drive, Quinn reaches over the console and grabs hold of Rachel's hand—needing that connection. Rachel's fingers instantly entwine with hers and give Quinn's hand a gentle squeeze.

The drive to Dr. Herrara's office takes less than five minutes from the train station, and as they turn onto Orange Road, Quinn can't stop herself from looking toward the elementary school on the right side of the street.

"That's where Beth goes to school," Quinn says softly.

And, God, Quinn hopes Beth never actually witnesses one of her episodes. She sometimes wonders if the close proximity of Beth's school—literally right across the street from her doctor's office—is a bad thing.

RACHEL: Holding Quinn's hand across the console helps keep Rachel from fidgeting nervously during the short car ride. Supporting Quinn gives her something to focus on outside of her own culpability in contributing to Quinn's latest episode.

When Quinn points out Beth's school, Rachel turns her attention to the building with a vague smile pulling at her lips. She's glad that Shelby is allowing Quinn to have a relationship with her daughter. Rachel can see how very important it is to Quinn. She's only a little bitter that Shelby has never tried that hard with her.

Rachel has to admit that she's surprised when she realizes that Quinn is taking them to the building right across from Beth's school, but she decides not to ask her how exactly that had happened. It seems like a pretty big coincidence if it is one.

Soon enough, the car is parked, and Quinn glances at her with an anxious smile. Rachel reaches for her hand again and gives it another squeeze.

"I'm ready if you are."

QUINN: "I'm ready," she answers, belying the nervous flutter in her belly, before letting out a steadying breath and releasing Rachel's hand.

They make their way inside the building, and Quinn leads her girlfriend down the hallway that leads to her doctor's office—the sound of the heels of their shoes clicking against the wooden floors reverberates off the walls, which seems to only increase her own anxiousness.

Much like when Quinn was recovering from her car accident in high school and attending physical therapy, sometimes her sessions with Dr. Herrara are painful, and Quinn really hopes this isn't going to be one of those times.

RACHEL: She follows Quinn through the building to her doctor's office, taking in the pictures on the walls that are undoubtedly meant to be calming. Rachel wishes she could appreciate the effect.

The problem is that Rachel doesn't know what to expect from this session. Her dads had come to a few of her sessions with her when she was younger, but she's never been invited into someone else's session before. Apparently, Dr. Herrara seems to feel it will help Quinn, and Quinn and Kaitlyn have both assured Rachel that Dr. Herrara is a good at what she does.

So Rachel hovers just behind Quinn while she checks in with the receptionist, nervously waiting to meet Quinn's doctor and see what she has to say.

QUINN: They're a little early, so it's no surprise when Dr. Herrara's receptionist tells Quinn that she's still in another session. Also, her doctor has a tendency to run late, but Quinn has learned that's not a bad thing—Dr. Herrara never rushes her patients out of the office and will always make sure everyone gets enough time with her.

Quinn turns to face Rachel then, taking in her nervous expression and attempting to offer her a reassuring smile.

"Dr. Herrara will tell us when she's ready," she explains, gesturing toward the pair of seats alongside each other and taking a seat in a familiar, grey chair.

Rachel nods and tucks her skirt underneath the backs of her legs before sitting down next to Quinn, and there's something so achingly familiar about it.

But before she can consider it further, the door to Dr. Herrara's office opens.

RACHEL: She's barely had a chance to sit and attempt to relax before the office door is opening and a man with graying hair and a good bit of stubble steps into view. Behind him, a woman appears in the doorway.

She's not what Rachel had been expecting. She supposes she'd been picturing an older woman with graying hair and glasses, but Dr. Herrara is young—possibly in her late thirties—and very attractive with thick, dark hair and a warm smile.

"I'll see you next week, John," she says with a nod.

'John' thanks her as he leaves, his gaze only briefly catching on Quinn and Rachel as continues on his way.

Dr. Herrara's dark eyes find them as she steps further into the waiting area. "Hello, Quinn," she greets with a smile, gesturing toward her office. "You and Rachel can come on in now."

Quinn glances at Rachel, offering her a reassuring smile before she stands, and Rachel takes a deep breath and follows her, slipping past Dr. Herrara—who is a good three inches taller than her—as she enters the office.

QUINN: Normally, Quinn sits in the oversized armchair during her sessions, but since Rachel is with her today, she settles down on the couch instead. Her girlfriend joins her a moment later, and Quinn sends her another reassuring smile. She can tell Rachel is still a bit nervous—so is Quinn—but the fact that she's making this effort? It means so much.

Dr. Herrara takes a seat across from them then before picking up the familiar steno book filled with notes from Quinn's sessions and placing it in her lap. She smiles warmly at them both, but she addresses Rachel first. "Thank you for coming today, Rachel," she says, which earns her an earnest 'of course,' and Quinn feels her affection for Rachel grow.

"How are you feeling, Quinn?" her doctor asks, turning her attention to Quinn.

The answer is still the same as when Rachel asked her at the train station—tired, dry mouth, headachy (and well, achy in general), but definitely better.

"It seems you're reacting pretty well to the medication overall, and we do have you on a high dose. I think those side effects should pass shortly. I want to keep you on it for a few more days and then start to taper it off. Does that sound okay to you?"

Quinn nods, thinking it seems reasonable enough.

Her doctor's warm gaze shifts to Quinn's left. "And how are you holding up, Rachel?"

RACHEL: When Dr. Herrara's attention immediately shifts to Rachel, it takes her by surprise. She'd been expecting to sit and listen to Quinn talk for a little while—kind of get feel for Quinn's doctor—so her gut reaction is to tell the woman, "I'm okay."

Dr. Herrara only continues to gaze at her expectantly until Rachel shifts restlessly on the couch. Quinn's hand slides over to cover Rachel's where her fingers are curled into the cushion until Rachel finally admits, "I...I'm more worried about Quinn than myself. I just want to make sure she's okay."

QUINN: Her heart warms at Rachel's words, but guilt gnaws at Quinn's belly.

"Your support means the world to me, Rachel," Quinn says, drawing her girlfriend's gaze to meet her own. "But I know this weekend was really hard for you, and I feel awful about that," she adds before glancing over at Dr. Herrara and reflexively saying, "I know, not my fault," even though she's still trying to fully believe that.

Quinn worries her lower lip before letting out a soft sigh and looking back toward Rachel. "I'm just afraid of how my... my illness affects you."

RACHEL: Quinn's concern for her is as wonderful as it is heartbreaking, because Rachel feels like it's just one more stressor that she's adding to Quinn's life that might actually be making her illness worse.

Rachel turns her hand over beneath Quinn's touch and twines their fingers together. "I'm worried about how it affects you," she stresses. "How my...my presence in your life and...and everything that comes with it is affecting you."

Quinn frowns, looking like she wants to say something, but Rachel closes her eyes and shakes her head—she can't be looking at Quinn when she says this or she'll probably break down in tears. "If this weekend was hard for me, it's because I can't stop feeling like what happened to you on Thursday was my fault. And I'm so, so sorry, Quinn."

QUINN: It breaks Quinn's heart to see Rachel blame herself for any of this.

"You don't need to apologize," she urges. "You didn't do anything wrong, and my episode... that's not your fault."

"Quinn's right," Dr. Herrara agrees. "Quinn has been doing very well recently and has been managing her bipolar, but sometimes there can be setbacks that are out anyone's control. And while the confrontation probably triggered her latest episode, it's important to remember that bipolar is a physical condition—no different than diabetes or high blood pressure—and that's no one's fault."

RACHEL: Shaking her head again, Rachel turns to Dr. Herrara. "I understand that. I do," she insists. "But...but the confrontation that triggered her episode...that was because of someone I brought back into her life. That's what I feel responsible for."

Rachel might not have caused Quinn's episode directly, but it could have been prevented if she'd only been more diligent—or if she wasn't in Quinn's life at all.

"I'm like a...a candy peddler chasing after a diabetic and throwing chocolate at her until she goes into a hyperglycemic coma," she laments, clutching at Quinn's hand.

QUINN: Quinn's lips curve further into a frown as her brow furrows and her stomach twists a little. Rachel makes things better—Quinn has told her that countless times—but it seems like Rachel's feelings about herself being good for Quinn aren't too different from the feelings she has about herself being good for Rachel.

Her own fingers tighten around Rachel's hand, not wanting her to slip away. Quinn wonders if that makes her selfish.

However, Dr. Herrara nods in understanding at Rachel's words before countering with, "There have been some bumps in the road since you crossed paths again, but from what Quinn has shared with me, you've been a great support, and that's what she needs... but not at your own expense."

Quinn swallows thickly, taking in Rachel's profile—how tired and guilty and uneasy she looks.

RACHEL: She's obviously aware of the little setbacks that Quinn has suffered since Rachel had come back into her life, but hearing Dr. Herrara confirm it has tears stinging her eyes, and she lifts her free hand to brush one away. She desperately tries to focus on the other part—the support that she's given Quinn—because she needs to believe it's enough to make up for all the baggage that she's brought back into Quinn's life.

"I just want Quinn to be happy," Rachel admits, "and I don't want to...to bring any unneeded stress into her life. I'm trying to learn what she needs and...and what I can do to help, but I know the only thing I can really do is be there for her. It's just hard for me to remember that sometimes. I have a tendency to...to want things too much, but I'm working on that," she assures Dr. Herrara hastily.

She pulls her attention away from Quinn's doctor to look at Quinn, hating the worry and muted pain she sees in hazel eyes. "Because loving you is the easiest thing in the world," she promises, squeezing Quinn's hand reassuringly.

QUINN: A watery laugh escapes her lips then. Trying to not love Rachel was the hardest thing the world... but now she doesn't have to stop herself. Still...

"I can't remember what it feels like to not love you, Rachel," she says, momentarily not caring that Dr. Herrara is sitting right across from them and gazing at Rachel intently. "And now that I've allowed myself to love you, I don't think I could bear to lose you. But... but I'd be willing to if it meant your happiness."

Rachel opens her mouth, looking as though she's going to interrupt.

"I know we've had this conversation before," Quinn interjects, "but we keep coming back to it one way or another... and, I think Dr. Herrara's perspective might help."

RACHEL: "Do you not understand that being without you won't make me happier?" Rachel asks incredulously. The very idea of giving up Quinn feels impossible to her. Maybe she's just too selfish to even consider it.

"Of course I'm going to worry about you and want to take care of you. The same way I would if you had the flu or...or lost your job...or any of the other hundreds of things that go wrong in life. And I want to be there cheering you on and sharing in all the good things. That's what it means to be in a relationship with someone. I can't just...turn that off."

She glances back at Dr. Herrara with determined eyes. "I know what being with Quinn means," she vows, daring the woman to disagree.

QUINN: There's a familiar relief at Rachel's words—Quinn can't turn that off either. But now Rachel's attention is back on Dr. Herrara, and Quinn shifts her focus, waiting to see how she'll respond.

"And I know that Quinn wants to take care of you," Dr. Herrara says gently after a beat. "That's why I asked her to invite you today—to make sure that you're doing what you need to do to take care of yourself so you don't burn yourself out. Do you have a therapist of your own?"

RACHEL: Her little burst of indignant fire quickly burns out with Dr. Herrara's question. "I do, but it's been several months since I've seen him," she reluctantly admits.

Dr. Herrara smiles sympathetically. "I would recommend that you think about making another appointment with him," she urges.

Rachel knows that Quinn's doctor is right. After all, she'd considered doing that very thing on her way here today. "I will," she promise before glancing back to Quinn. "But one bad weekend isn't going to break me. It's just a...a bump in the road," she says, using Dr. Herrara's earlier words. "So you need to stop offering me ways out of this relationship, Quinn."

It hurts Rachel's heart every time Quinn tries to give her up for her own good.

QUINN: "I will... I mean, I have," she insists. "But I want to make sure you're okay too. I... what happened this weekend sucked, but I've been a lot worse."

Rachel's eyes shine with sympathetic hurt, and Quinn momentarily closes her own eyes before pressing her lips together.

"Hopefully it never happens again," Quinn continues with a firm shake of her head, "but I can't promise it won't. And if it does, I need you to promise me that you'll take care of yourself too. Does that make sense?"

RACHEL: "It does," Rachel acknowledges softly. She loves that Quinn wants to protect her, and she knows that she still needs to learn how to manage her own reaction to Quinn's episodes—to get past her sense of helplessness—but she believes that she can do better in time. And God willing, Quinn will never have to have another episode that's been triggered by something or someone that Rachel has unexpectedly thrown into her path.

Actually, God willing, she'll never have to have another episode at all.

"I promise to take care of me too," she vows as she squeezes Quinn's hand again, warmed by the answering smile on her lips.

Reluctantly pulling her eyes away from Quinn, Rachel looks back to Dr. Herrara. "Other than scheduling an appointment with my therapist, is there anything more I should be doing to help Quinn manage her condition?"

QUINN: "You're already doing a lot of the things that help—supporting Quinn, loving her unconditionally, and you encouraged her to call me when she was in crisis," Dr. Herrara confirms. "But therapy sessions of your own, with your therapist, will be very helpful to help you find a balance in those times of crisis, which hopefully will be few and far between."

And by few and far between, Quinn hopes that means 'never again.'

"Once Quinn is completely recovered from her latest episode," her doctor continues, "I recommend you two work out a plan so that you are better equipped to deal with any future setbacks and also try to remember that they're not caused by you or anything you do, despite what you may think or feel."

RACHEL: "I'll try," Rachel agrees, worrying her lip for a moment as her eyes dart over to Quinn again, "but I can't help being concerned that...certain people in my life," she says tactfully, thinking particularly of Santana, "will cause Quinn to keep having setbacks," she admits to Quinn's doctor.

"I mean, isn't it true that Quinn should generally avoid the things that will cause her undue stress and act as triggers?"

And no matter what Dr. Herrara and Quinn keep telling her, Rachel has, in fact, been the reason Quinn hasn't been able to avoid several of the ghosts from her past.

QUINN: "While it's true that Quinn should try to minimize her stressors if possible, she doesn't live in a bubble," Dr. Herrara explains to Rachel, glancing at Quinn occasionally, "and part of what we've been working on in our sessions are techniques she can use that will help her when faced with certain potential triggers or less than ideal situations."

Quinn gently squeezes Rachel's hand as she turns to face her girlfriend again. Worried brown eyes gaze at her.

"For years, I've been trying to run and avoid unpleasant parts of my past," Quinn confesses softly, "but that's not really healthy because they still have a hold on me. I want to—I need to overcome that. And being with you is giving me the motivation to try and push through even though it's hard."

RACHEL: What Quinn is telling her makes sense. After Finn had died, Rachel had been warned by her own therapist many times that she needed to face the loss and feel her feelings. She'd been given a different version of the same general advice—to face the truth and feel her feelings—after she'd had sex with Genevieve and immediately attempted to dismiss it as her required foray into theatrical experimentation.

"I really want to help you do that, Quinn," Rachel promises. "But I...I don't want what happened with Santana to happen again. That's," she pauses, shaking her head as she remembers all the times that she's urged Quinn to let Santana and Brittany and Kurt and Blaine back into her life.

"I understand now why you've been so reluctant to get involved with my friends again, so I want you to know, as much as I hope that one day you'll be ready to let them back into your life, I won't ever ask you to do that before you feel ready again."

QUINN: She offers Rachel small, appreciative smile.

"I know you didn't mean any harm, and I promise that I will keep working with Dr. Herrara so that I can," Quinn vows before pressing her lips together, wanting to explain a little better, if she can.

"There's a part of me that really does miss Brittany and Santana, but I was trying to protect myself from Santana's anger because it—those kinds of confrontations usually send me to a place that I don't want to be in. Dr. Herrara thinks that might be because of..." she takes a deep breath, trying to push down her nerves, before finally admitting, "because of some things that happened in the past with my dad."

RACHEL: Her stomach dips at the mention of Quinn's father. Kaitlyn had also brought him up on Friday in relation to one of Quinn's past episodes, but Quinn has yet to tell Rachel what had happened with him—other than him kicking her out of his house and disowning her when he'd found out she was pregnant at sixteen.

Glancing at Dr. Herrara again, Rachel finds the woman observing them patiently, and she licks her lips nervously before looking back to Quinn. "You...um...you've never really talked about him with me," she points out needlessly, knowing that Quinn is very aware of that fact from the way her pained eyes dart away guiltily. "Do you think you'll be able to soon?"

Because Rachel has a feeling that knowing what had happened with him will give her a better understanding of Quinn's most vicious demons.

QUINN: "I've never really talked about him with anyone who hasn't been my doctor. I don't like talking about it," she explains, still not able to bring herself to look at Rachel. "But I... you should probably know."

Quinn closes her eyes briefly before reopening them and glancing at her doctor, who is looking at her encouragingly.

"But after..." she continues, gazing at Rachel then, "after I've fully recovered from this episode. It's a little too much right now."

RACHEL: The idea of doing anything to send Quinn back into that dark place she'd only just clawed her way out of makes Rachel feel physically ill, and she squeezes Quinn's hand in reassurance. Learning more about Quinn's tumultuous relationship with Russell Fabray can wait a little longer.

"I completely understand, Quinn. I can wait."

Well—she can try to wait. Rachel is still working on the whole patience thing, but she knows how important it is for Quinn's sake.

"Whenever you're ready," she promises with a small smile—fully recognizing how often she says that to Quinn, but meaning it every single time.

QUINN: Warmth spreads through her at Rachel's familiar words.

"Thank you," Quinn says softly, feeling her gratitude for Rachel grow. She gazes intently at Rachel for another long moment before Dr. Herrara gently interrupts.

"So it sounds like both of you have addressed your major concerns and have come to a better place of understanding," she says with a soft smile. "But do either of you have any other concerns or questions?"

RACHEL: Her gaze slips away from Quinn at the interruption, and Rachel licks her lips uncertainly. All of the concerns she still has have to do with her ability to help Quinn through her episodes. Rachel supposes that the episodes themselves and what to expect from them are her biggest concern.

"The...um...the mixed episode that Quinn just had? That means she was experiencing depression and...um...manic behavior at the same time, right?"

"That's correct," Dr. Herrara answers. "Although Quinn's manic symptoms for this episode seemed to be limited to feeling hyper and experiencing racing thoughts."

Rachel nods, recalling Quinn's twitchiness on Friday mixed in with the more familiar feelings of worthlessness that Rachel is beginning to recognize as signs of Quinn's depression. She briefly glances at Quinn again, noting the flush of shame creeping back into her countenance, and Rachel begins to run her thumb in a soothing circle on the back of Quinn's hand.

"I think I have an idea of what to expect with her...um...her depressive episodes," Rachel relays, turning her attention back to Quinn's doctor, "but I'm not completely sure what to expect from an actual manic episode or...or what I should do for her if it happens."

QUINN: She winces involuntarily in reaction to Rachel's query about what to expect during Quinn's manic episodes. She really, really hopes Rachel never has to see that.

"In Quinn's case, typically the early warning signs are that she'll start sleeping less and have an increase in energy. Her mood will elevate, but there's often an underlying restlessness, and if that goes unchecked, she can become irritable and aggressive," Dr. Herrara explains without judgment, but Quinn still feels her face flush with shame as she remembers some of the things she's done while experiencing mania.

"She might say things that are especially hurtful or do things that are reckless, but it's important not to take it personally. The good news is that you can help. I mentioned earlier that you should have an agreed upon plan in case Quinn shows signs of a relapse—things like working with Kaitlyn to take away car keys or credit cards, and creating a list of emergency contacts" her doctor continues, but Quinn still can't really bring herself to look at anything but her lap.

"When Quinn is feeling better, you can figure out the specifics, and if you want, you can both review it with me as well," Dr. Herrara finishes helpfully.

RACHEL: She makes a mental note to keep Dr. Herrara's suggestions in mind for creating a plan with Quinn. She hadn't even considered the need to limit Quinn's access to certain things—like car keys—to keep her from getting into a potentially dangerous situation, but she knows she really, really should have. After all, it had been in the midst of a manic episode that Quinn had disappeared from her college dorm and nearly ended up...

It's still painful for Rachel to even think about that.

They will definitely need to coordinate a plan with Kaitlyn, though Rachel imagines that Kaitlyn and Quinn must have discussed some of those things already.

"Thank you, Dr. Herrara. Knowing what to expect really does help me feel more prepared." Her eyes dart back to Quinn almost guiltily, because she can see how uncomfortable this conversation is making her, but Quinn has been so hesitant to go into any detail about her episodes that Rachel couldn't very well pass up the chance to ask her doctor what to expect.

Dr. Herrara offers a warm smile, nodding. "What about you, Quinn? Do you have any other specific concerns you'd like to address today?"

QUINN: She furrows her brow and considers Dr. Herrara's question. Her main concern is that Rachel makes sure to take care of herself, and Quinn is feeling more settled about that now. Granted, there's still a measure of shame that clings to her, despite the fact that Rachel and Dr. Herrara aren't judging her. Quinn doesn't know how to stop judging herself.

"Not that I can think of," she says after a moment. She's too tired and unwilling to bring up that subject in this session—not having the emotional energy to unpack that right now.

RACHEL: Dr. Herrara nods again, accepting Quinn's answer, but as Rachel studies Quinn's face, she can't help feeling like this session—despite it's relatively mild nature—has still managed to exhaust her girlfriend, and she wonders if all of Quinn's concerns have really been satisfied.

"Does that mean that you're feeling better about my ability to handle everything that comes with loving you?" Rachel asks, because she really wants them to move past the point where Quinn's first instinct is to apologize for making Rachel deal with her illness.

QUINN: "I am," she replies with a soft nod as she finally lifts her gaze to meet Rachel's. "I hope you won't have to deal with another episode of any kind, but as long as you're taking care of yourself... that's what matters to me."

Rachel nods as her mouth curves up into a relieved smile.

"I love you, Rachel, and I want you in my life," Quinn continues earnestly, "and I want to make you happy."

RACHEL: She really hopes that Quinn never has to go through another episode, but realistically, Rachel has to acknowledge that it's more likely that there will be other setbacks that they'll both have to deal with together.

But, "I love you, too, Quinn. Having you in my life makes me happy," she vows with a tender smile. "And I promise I'll do everything I can to make you happy too."

Quinn's answering smile warms Rachel's heart, and she has to resist the urge to lean over and kiss her girlfriend—aware that Dr. Herrara is watching them. The poor woman probably feels like she's watching a very gay Hallmark movie, but Rachel means every word. She's committed to making sure she and Quinn both get their happy ending.

QUINN: Rachel's words settle Quinn, and she feel so very lucky to have such an amazing woman as her girlfriend.

"We're almost out of time for today," Dr. Herrara says after a beat. "But I want to make sure I've addressed all your concerns before you go. Is there anything else you'd like to discuss?"

Quinn glances at Rachel, who shakes her head 'no,' and Quinn is in agreement. "I think we're okay for now," she replies.

Dr. Herrara nods. "Okay. As always, if anything comes up before our next session, please don't hesitate to call me, Quinn. And, Rachel," she adds, looking at Quinn's girlfriend and gesturing to the small table alongside the couch. "Please take one of my cards, and don't hesitate to call me if you have any additional concerns."

RACHEL: After noticing the little business card holder at Dr. Herrara's direction, Rachel reaches over to take a card, smiling gratefully at Quinn's doctor.

"Thank you. I'll certainly call you if I need to," she promises, looking to Quinn as she gives her hand another squeeze.

"Are you ready to go?"

Not that Dr. Herrara hasn't been wonderful, but Rachel is more than ready to get out of here.

QUINN: "I'm ready if you are," she confirms with a nod, curling her fingers around Rachel's as much as the space between them allows.

"I'll see you next week, Quinn," Dr. Herrara says, coming to her feet and walking the short distance to the door and opening it.

"Next week," Quinn echoes as she and Rachel both stand.

"Please call me if either of you need anything," she stresses again, and Quinn can't stop her lips from turning up into a grateful smile.

"We will," she replies before glancing at Rachel, wanting to make sure her girlfriend really is settled for the time being.

RACHEL: Offering Quinn a nod, Rachel repeats, "We will."

Smiling, Quinn leads Rachel to the door, thanking Dr. Herrara again, and Rachel adds her own, "Yes, thank you," before following Quinn out of the office and back into the waiting room. Quinn nods at the receptionist as they pass by her, and then they're back in the hallway.

"So," Rachel begins hesitantly, "I think that went fairly well," she offers hopefully. "How are you feeling about it?"

QUINN: Hazel eyes shift toward the portrait at her right at Rachel's question. It's a modern, abstract painting of a jazz saxophonist, made up of only blue, yellow, and red paint.

"Good, I think," Quinn answers before looking away. "All things considered, that is."

There's still an underlying sense of unease, but it has nothing to do with Rachel or the appointment with Dr. Herrara. It has everything to do with Quinn and all the things that are wrong with her.

RACHEL: She frowns a little at Quinn's conditional answer before reminding herself that she's still recovering from her episode. Rachel lifts her hand - the one that's not still gripping tightly to Quinn's - to stroke her fingers over Quinn's cheek, gently urging hazel eyes back to hers. She can see the exhaustion that she feels reflected back at her, and she wonders if Quinn has been sleeping as poorly as she has been these last two days.

"Do you still have a headache? I was thinking we could get something to eat, but...if you need to get some more rest today, you could...you could just take me back to the station," she reluctantly suggests, not really wanting that at all but willing to give Quinn the opportunity for some alone time if she needs it.

QUINN: She nods faintly. Headaches have been ever-present for days now, but she doesn't know if it's from lack of sleep, her medication, or her low moods. And she really doesn't have much of an appetite right now, but...

"I still have a headache," Quinn confirms, "but... I... can you stay?"

RACHEL: Relief floods Rachel at Quinn's invitation. Rachel really didn't want to have to leave her just yet.

"Always," she promises softly, letting her lips curve into a reassuring smile. It's Monday, after all, so, "I can stay until tomorrow if you want me to."

I can stay forever, she thinks—though she knows it's still far too early in their relationship to consider that seriously.

What she does say is, "I'm all yours."

QUINN: 'Please stay forever,' is Quinn's immediate thought, but despite it all, the words don't actually pass through her lips.

Regardless, her body sags with relief. "I'll take you wherever you'd like for lunch—Holsten's, some other restaurant, or my apartment. Kaitlyn bought some fresh mozzarella and grilled eggplant last night," Quinn says, hoping the latter is enough to entice Rachel back to her apartment.

She needs it. She needs Rachel to stay with her for as long as possible, and Quinn hopes she can offer a kind of comfort in return.

RACHEL: She can see the relief in Quinn's expression at her promise to stay, but it doesn't erase the weariness there. Rachel has the distinct feeling that Quinn isn't really up to sitting in a restaurant, and now that she really thinks about it, she's not sure that she is either. Being alone with Quinn sounds so much better.

"The eggplant sounds wonderful," Rachel assures her. "I can cook for you if you'd like," she suggests, not wanting to make Quinn go through the work of preparing a meal if she isn't feeling well enough. "Eggplant parmesan? Or I know a recipe for grilled eggplant with mozzarella, tomatoes, and basil."

She lifts her hand to brush back a strand of Quinn's hair, grinning. "Whatever you feel like."

QUINN: Her lips quirk up into a half smile. "Truthfully, I'd like to go home... and I know that whatever you make will be delicious," Quinn says.

Rachel could just make Quinn apple slices with peanut butter on them, and that would be more than enough right now. All she wants is to be in a relatively quite calm with her girlfriend.

RACHEL: "Then your apartment it is," Rachel agrees with a loving smile. She closes the small distance between them and brushes a soft kiss over Quinn's lips - not caring that that they're standing in the middle of a public hallway where anyone could walk past them at any given moment. She just really needs to feel that little bit of physical and emotional connection with Quinn after everything they've been through in the last few days.

Quinn sighs against her lips, kissing her back briefly before Rachel slowly pulls away with a grin, quietly urging her to, "Take me home, Quinn."

QUINN: It's nothing short of a small wonder to hear those words pass Rachel's lips.

'Home' has always been something fleeting to Quinn, but the way Rachel says it makes Quinn feels like it's something more lasting. Like it's 'theirs.'

"Okay," Quinn breathes against Rachel's lips, gazing into warm, brown eyes. "I'll take you home."

RACHEL: For a brief moment, Rachel lets herself imagine that Quinn's home is hers as well—one that they've made together. Being with Quinn is worth the little inconvenience of a train or taxi ride, but she can't deny how much nicer it would be if they lived in the same city.

But more and more, anywhere Quinn is feels like home to Rachel.

Smiling at Quinn, Rachel nods her agreement. "Let's go," she prompts, readjusting her hold on Quinn's hand as they begin to walk back to Quinn's car.

QUINN: Savoring the warmth of Rachel's hand inside hers, Quinn lets Rachel lead the way, feeling like a tremendous weight has been lifted.