#para 003

Mercedes wanted to get out of the lakehouse.  As much as she loved being around all her friends, she really wanted to just walk hand in hand with her boyfriend for awhile and explore the area. Plus, they needed to talk about how they were going to work on their relationship once they graduated and moved 900 miles apart from each other.

The sun was out, but it was still chilly outside, so she had on her jacket and hat. She brought her gloves, but didn’t put them on, she knew Sam’s hand would be warm enough, they always were.  It hit her all of a sudden, as her hand was encompassed by his, that it would probably be Christmas break before she got to hold his hand again once they left Lima.  She squeezed his hand a little tighter and spoke softly.  “I wish everything didn’t have to change.”

After Finn’s announcement two days before, the house hadn’t imploded, much to Sam’s relief. He knew Mercedes had had to talk to Santana, but he hadn’t asked her what was said. It was probably better that he didn’t know. But it had  given him a lot of time to think, think about the future. Finn was going to be risking his life for his country. Sam was almost jealous in a way. He didn’t want to enlist, but it made him think about the things he wanted out of life. And it also forced him to admit to himself that they weren’t the same things that Mercedes wanted.

It didn’t even upset him more than it just made him sad to think that she was this great girl that he loved a lot, but he didn’t want to stand in her way. She wanted a singing career and to like be famous. It was awesome because she was so talented, and he totally supported her and all of that, but he wanted a girlfriend he could grow with over the next four years. He wasn’t ready to get married tomorrow, but he’d want to after he was done college. Mercedes didn’t even want marriage and kids for a long time, and Sam believed she needed to focus on her career just as much she did. So that’d mean traveling a lot while he was in Tennessee, and no matter how they wanted to pretend long distance worked out, he didn’t think it would work out for them.

He thought it sucked a lot to love a girl and know it wasn’t gonna work out for them, but he knew he could talk to her about it because really he could talk to Mercedes about anything, and she never judged him or got too upset. He didn’t feel like he had to keep stuff from her or try to not hurt her feelings. Not that he’d ever say anything that hurt her feelings. It was just gonna be so hard to give it all up when he felt like he’d just gotten her. He glanced at her as they walked into the woods, looking down at their joined hands, and felt something inside of him crack a little, but he wasn’t going to be sad. This was for the best, and they were almost adults, right? Being adults was about making the tough decisions, and he could do this.  

“What do you mean?” he forced himself to ask.

“We’ve all been lucky, to be with each other as friends, getting to help each other, and some of us even fell in love,” she smiled and nudged his shoulder gently with her own. “But in a few months, we’re all going to be spread out, and then we’re going to get busy with school, jobs, and freaking basic training.  I’ll have to facetime you when I want to see you instead of just having you come over.  No more babysitting movie nights with the twins.  When our parents have their joint Labor Day cookout this year, we won’t be there. We won’t get to judge which dad grilled the best burger or watch our moms tell them both to be quiet.”

There were so many memories in this town, this was where she grew up.  It was why she understood why Sam wanted to go to school in Tennessee, so much of what made him who he was today was there.  “I can’t believe that it’s actually happening. When I was little, I couldn’t wait to get older so I could be the next Beyonce or Mariah, and now I just wish time would slow down some so I could treasure every moment I have now, you know?”

The memories she spoke of made Sam smile, but they also made him sad. He gave her another look then looked off into the distance. “Yeah, we’re all growing up, and like that’s cool, but it’s also really sad,” he agreed, clearing his throat. “I know you’re gonna be the next Beyonce or Mariah, even better because you’re way better than both,” he told her not for the first time. “But...don’t you think it’s gonna be really hard to...keep in touch? I mean not just all of us,” he said heavily. “I’ve been thinking about all of it since Finn said he was enlisting. This is all...really real. He’s gonna be fighting for our freedoms. That’s like...real, you know?”

She nodded her head as she listened to him, her eyes looking over at him and laughing softly at his comment.  “My first single will be how awesome my boyfriend is and how he inflates my ego with his support.” As they kept walking, she noticed the change in tone of his voice.  Sam always sounded more like his dad when he was talking about serious things.  “Of course it’s going to be hard, but if it’s something we both want, we’ll work for it, right?  We may have to get by on texts and emails during classes when things get really hectic, but that’s okay.”  Something didn’t feel right, and she couldn’t figure it out. “You’re not thinking of enlisting too are you?” She asked him worriedly, a slight sense of panic welled up inside her as she stopped in her tracks.

Sam frowned a little when she stopped, looking over at her. “What? Noooo, I'm still going to Tennessee. I've just been thinking about the long distance thing. I'm just not...sure it's the right thing anymore,” he said in a rush, not looking at her.

Mercedes didn’t move, mainly because she felt like if she tried her legs wouldn’t work and she’d faceplant right there, and she really didn’t want to be that girl.  “Oh.” She squeaked the word out softly, not really sure what to think. After nearly a minute of silence, she took a deep breath. “So you want to break up?” She felt really cold all of a sudden and began to fish out her gloves from her jacket pocket.

Sam was already shaking his head before she even finished the question. “Do I want to break up? No. Do I think we should break up? Yeah, I think...maybe we should.” He took a deep breath, mustering the courage to continue when this was kind of killing him inside. “You wanna be a big star and have a successful career. I think you're gonna do it. If anyone can do it, it's you because you're just...so dang talented. But I know that's gonna take a lot of sacrifice, and I'd rather sacrifice us now than in four or five years when I wanna get married and settle down and you wanna tour the world. I want a girlfriend I can see all of the time. I realized that on this trip. We've had...so much time together, and it's not just about the sex. It's like...what it'd be like if we lived together, and we’re not gonna get to live together ever because I don't wanna move to New York or L.A., and you're just too big for Tennessee.”

It was surreal. This was supposed to be all about bringing the Romantics together one last time, and this was about the most unromantic thing that could happen.  She wanted to fight him on this, tell him he was wrong and that he was just being crazy, but she wouldn’t do that to him.  He did deserve to have a girlfriend that could be with him, and it would be selfish of her to say otherwise.  She turned her head to look towards the lake to keep the tears from spilling over. “So that’s it? We’re just...over?”  What else could she say? He had given valid reasons, and even though she felt like her heart was slowly cracking inside her chest, he was probably right. He was always going to be the guy that got married and had a family first out of their group, it just wasn’t going to be with her.  Two different trajectories.

“No, I don't want to just...be over. I love you. I want to keep being with you. I just think that...maybe we should just agree that when we leave home for good, then we’re broken up.” Sam didn't want to just break up right now. He wanted them to enjoy the rest of their time together. They had a good thing. It was the best thing he'd ever had. It just wasn't gonna last forever like he'd thought. “I mean, if that's not what you wanna do, I get it. I just...don't wanna ruin the time we have left together. I want prom and graduation with you...you're the only girl I wanna do those things with.” He reached out and turned her face towards him. “I love you, Mercedes. You're like my best friend and my girlfriend all wrapped up in one. I want you to have everything you wanna have. I just don't want to hold you back, and I don't want to be left waiting.”

Looking at him made her break, tears falling the minute she blinked.  “You want me to have everything except you,” she whispered.  “I know you’re doing this for the right reasons. I know this is probably the best thing for both of us, I just wish it didn’t have to be this way.”  Why couldn’t she be something else, anything else? It almost felt like she was being punished for wanting a singing career.  “I love you, you know that, right?  Because I really want to be selfish and fight every single thing you said. I don’t want to lose you and I don’t want to give up on us.  But I don’t want to keep you from being happy, ever.”  

Sam felt awful when he saw the tears rolling down her cheeks. He really didn’t want to have to say the things he was saying, but he’d been avoiding talking about the future for like a month, and now there wasn’t any running away from it. He reached out and wiped the tears from her cheeks with his thumbs. “I don’t want you to ‘not have me.’ That isn’t what this is about. You’re right that I want you to have the best things, and I really think this is the best thing for both of us. I won’t be able to be there to go to every show you have when you want me there and I want to be there. You won’t be able to come to my art showcases and stuff. Those are the moments we’re supposed to be together for, and it’s just not gonna happen. I don’t wanna be upset and I don’t want you upset when one of us keeps not being able to make it. It’s not that you’d keep me from being happy because I’m always the happiest when I’m with you, but I just know it would just get harder and harder…”

Part of her really wanted him to stop talking, to stop making valid points and reasonable arguments as to why their relationship should end.  She had been stupidly optimistic about how they would stay together and make it work, but reality was punching her in the gut at the moment.  “This is really hard,” she hated saying that.  Mercedes wanted to be as strong and confident as Sam was right now, but this really hurt, like nothing she had ever felt before. “What do we do now? I don't know if I'll always be able to pretend that we're not going to break up soon. I may be sad sometimes, and I don't want to upset you.”  She hiccupped softly, which made her pout at herself, crying always gave her the hiccups, which only made her more pouty. She probably looked like a toddler that had just thrown a tantrum.

Sam nodded slowly. “I’m gonna be sad too, you know? But we can just...I don’t know, be happy that we’re still together for a while. If it’s too hard, we can always just...not be together, but I really don’t want that,” he said quietly. It was hard to stand here and keep talking when she was crying. He’d rarely seen her cry since they’d become friends, and now he was the reason. It made him feel like an asshole, but he wasn’t trying to be. He pulled her into a hug, rubbing her back to soothe her. “I’m sorry it’s like this. I wish it wasn’t.”

“I don’t want that either,” she murmured into his chest as she held onto him.  She didn’t want any of it, but Sam was 100 percent right. “But I don’t want to break us, our friendship is very special to me, and I don’t want to have that fall apart because we couldn’t make the relationship stay together.”  She loved him, that would never change.  “I’m sure there’s some really sappy song out there about this situation, if you love something let it go or something like that.”  She took in a shaky breath, wiping her eyes, glad she didn’t wear any eyeliner or mascara today.  She leaned back slightly so she could look up at him. “We’re going to do our best to make these last few months ones we will never forget?” She asked him, biting on the corner of her bottom lip.

“Yeah, look at what happened with Santana and Finn. Like I know you said Santana really cares about Finn, but like she’s spent the whole year pretty much hating his and Quinn’s guts over them dating even though Finn said she dumped him. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I don’t care. Like it would really suck if you dated someone that was my friend, but if you were happy, I love you enough to...let you be happy.” Sam knew he’d be upset, but after watching his friend group split in half over two people, it was just emotionally exhausting to watch. He couldn’t imagine being so upset he couldn’t get past it to be friends with Mercedes. He’d want something over nothing. “I plan on making them amazing. Dates and prom...and prom night,” he teased, nudging her a little. He leaned in and kissed her softly. “I love you so much, you know that, right?”

Her nose wrinkled up at the idea that they’d ever become like Finn and Santana.  Sam would've said something to her long before things became a relationship if he was going to get with a close friend, she knew that like she knew her name.  “It's going to suck when I see who you're with on social media, but knowing you're happy will help.  But you better let them know that one of your best friends will come down to Tennessee and kick their butt if they do you dirty.”  She closed her eyes and nodded her head. “I know. If we didn't love each other, this wouldn't be so hard or hurt so much.” She stood on her toes and kissed him tenderly. “You'll always be my first love.”

Sam chuckled, a slightly pained laugh because he didn’t want to think about Mercedes not being that girl anymore. “I will, but I wouldn’t worry about that for a long time…” he said quietly. He wasn’t really looking to hop back into a relationship. He’d need some time. “Yeah, you’ll always be my first love too. No girl’s ever gonna measure up probably. You know that…”

It didn’t take Finn anytime to get over Santana it seemed, but Sam wasn’t Finn.  “Me too. I already know that no one is going to make me laugh or smile the way you do. Maybe I’ll become a musical nun or something.” She was joking, but just barely.  Sam might not get in a relationship right away, but it wouldn’t be because girls weren’t after him. “Don’t say that, I’m special, yes, but I’m far from perfect. Eventually someone will make you forget about me, and that’s...,” she had to pause and catch herself, coughing softly to clear her throat, “that’s okay.  First love, yes, but not your only one.”  She wrapped her arm around his so they could continue their walk.  She felt like she had aged 5 years since they started.  “Can we not tell anyone? At least, not right now?”  She still needed time to be okay with what was happening.

He wanted to argue that she’d be his only for a long time, but he didn’t want to make promises and then break them. So he just kissed her again before he pulled away. “I think you’re just perfect for me is all. That’s why this isn’t gonna mess everything up. You’re my best friend.” Things would sucked, but then they’d be fine. He had faith in that. “I don’t want to tell anyone either. I don’t want them to ruin the rest of our time together.”

They really were a living, breathing, horribly sad Lifetime movie.  Girl meets boy. They become friends. Eventually fall in love, then circumstances happen and they can’t be together.  Sam would go on, become a famous artist and marry a cute southern girl, buy a house in the country with horses and labradors. But they would still be friends, because that was how the universe worked sometimes.  “I’ll still write songs about you.  I mean, I already have a notebook full of them, but in like...say 5 years from now, they might be on the radio.  But they won’t be mean songs, I could never write a mean song about you.  Even when we have debates over who is the best Batman.”

The walking helped distract him from the feeling of dread that was starting to settle over him. They were quiet for a long moment, each lost in their own thoughts until she mentioned that she’d still write songs about him. “Pfft...you’ll find someone else to write songs about.” He gave her hand a little squeeze. “Then I’ll just be that skinny white boy from Tennessee you once knew.”

“Nope,” she replied, nudging him a little. “I’m going to do a reverse Taylor Swift, and only write good boyfriend songs, and you Sam Evans, are the best boyfriend. I’ve got at least 6 or 7 albums of quality material just about you.  And I’m never telling anyone who they’re about, only you will know.” Her heart still hurt, but she wanted to try and get herself back in happy couple mode before they got back to the lakehouse.  If she looked like she had been crying and Santana saw her, it would not be an enjoyable evening for either of them.  “You really are the best boyfriend I could’ve ever wished for, Sam.”

“Then I’m looking forward to hearing every single one…” He was curious what she’d written about him and their relationship. He wondered if she really had enough material to fill albums, but he’d have to wait to find out. “I’ll be the first in line to buy every album to you make,” he promised, knowing he’d do anything in his power to do that. “You are really the best girlfriend I could’ve ever wished for too.” He pressed one last kiss to her lips and looked back towards the house. “You ready to go back?”

“Like you’d have to buy them. You and Santana will get to hear the songs before anyone else. Santana will be blisteringly honest, and you’ll tell me the truth a little softer and sweeter,” she laughed softly.  She took a deep breath and nodded her head. “My eyes aren’t all puffy and red are they?” Santana was like Spider-Man sometimes, and her spidey senses could pick up on stuff even when people were trying to hide it. She could always blame it on the cold, or say Sam said something that had her laugh-crying.  

He stepped back and really looked at her. He eyes were a little puffy, but not enough that anyone would be able to tell so he shook his head. “No, you look so beautiful...with some hot and sexy thrown in like a gumbo,” he joked gently.

Matt awoke from his sleep with a start. Another bad dream yanked him out of it and he sat up with a racing heart and sweaty forehead. This nightmare, far too vivid this time around, left him sick and disoriented. As much as he wanted to question if it really happened he knew a bulk of it was based on a memory, a situation he wish never happened. One he rarely talked about now, but that didn’t mean others similar to it didn’t happen, Just this one, this memory, really fucked with his head. 

In the past he’d get out of bed, shower, and maybe attempt sleep again. If that didn’t work he’d pull up one of the many books he’s reading and see if that’ll do the trick. This is also something he got used to doing since he was home alone; especially over the past couple years. However, as he looked over to his side he realized he wasn’t alone. Fuck, he must’ve passed out while he waited for Blaine to come over. Blaine slept soundly beside him, curled up close. He was in those pjs they were joking about and Matt found a small laugh escape. Which was good. He needed to try to come out of this sick place his subconscious threw him into every once in awhile.

 Both of his hands went to his face and he rubbed at his eyes, as if this would quicken removing the guilt he felt about what happened. One of the many situations that’d been out of his control but didn’t mean it didn’t affect him. It did. A lot. Come on, Matt. You couldn’t do anything for them. It’s been twelve years. You saw their mom last week and she seemed fine. Why can’t you be? He knew that was all bullshit. She wasn’t fine but she knew to keep moving forward and he did. He has. He’s been on many, MANY calls since that early morning call. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t wish things played out differently that August morning.

 There was dampness against his palms. That might’ve been tears, sweat, or both. He pushed his hands back and through his hair and laid down. Matt turned to his side and wrapped his arm around Blaine’s middle to bring him closer to him, as close as he could get him. Matt’s face buried into the back of Blaine’s neck and his eyes squeezed shut before he kissed at his skin. They were completely knew to this relationship yet it felt very familiar. Comfortable. It was as if they’ve known each other much longer than that year and a half. Maybe all the teasing, flirting, and talking they did during that time at the coffee shop made this easier. It was crazy to admit this, even to himself, but he found tremendous comfort in this man in his arms and Matt held him that much tighter. His only worry that he’d wake him while doing this and he knew he had to get up at the same time as him. Still, Matt continued to kiss at his skin and appreciate what they have, that if he’d never taken that plunge he’d never have this moment with him.