#papaprovides

"You can't always be on the mountain tops, because the valley is where you grow..." - Gut . Even in the winter, wild flowers can grow.

Dear Universe, Thanks for allowing Joshy and I to have a 2.5 hour over due phone call. . 40 days until we see each other face to face. I can't wait to squeeze him and let him squeeze me back. I can't wait to laugh so hard it hurts. I can't wait to celebrate our sweet Alli. I can't wait I can't wait! . . This busy schedule feels like I'm going crazy, but goodness finds me. Joy is celebrating friendship when hurt has plagued others, it offers hope for healing and space for processing.

Today I promised to only do things that recharge me. Saying no to going out to breakfast. Sleeping in my bed with puppies snuggled by my feet. Playing with an espresso machine. Steaming milk for perfect foam. Making raspberry Nutella French toast. Reading all my books. Washing dishes. Doing laundry. Taking the pups for a walk. More to come. Achey breaks hearts are not fun. I've been living long days these past few years. You think there will be a time your heart will feel whole again. But maybe the truth about healing is the time filled with goodness to cover the deep hurt. Maybe the brightest days are the medicine.

Spending most hours in a Van for three full days… When I get the introduction, “This is Lillian, one of my best friends,” every time I meet a new person, it makes my heart explode. Joshua is kind, compassionate, wild, and honest. Navigating this year would have looked very different without him by my side. It’s too good when the see you later is plans for how soon we next can see each other again. There isn’t enough coffee in the universe to that amounts to how much I love this friend.

Papa You gave us each other, we have learned to carry one another because You do it without question. Heavy hearts, heavy eyes. We will wait, because You have promised us faithfulness.

Glory, glorious... in a coffee shop in the Midwest I had one of the best lattes I've ever had. It may have been the company, or As Cities Burns playing over the speakers. Last night I was overwhelmed with why I can't really deal with my birthday. Maybe it's the first day I was actually allowed to be rejected? And I was, I was initially too much of a burden for my parents to have, I carry this burden. It may be wrong, but I do. Day one of my 27th year... I've been sick all day from eating crappy pizza. I've packed some stuff for my move, and in a week I'll be hugging necks I haven't hugged since last year. Anticipation is good. No one is asking for my advice, but if I had to give it, it would be this... No matter what you do things may never be as you planned or assumed, but sometimes they are. Just because you can drink a dozen shots of espresso in one day doesn't mean you should. Being honest is still the hardest process I'll ever try to do. Being chosen matters. I have some how surrounded myself with the most incredible humans, not sure how, but they are too wonderful. Matters of the heart will be matters of the brain, and they can transform into matters of confusion, but it all matters. Believing in goodness can be big or small, it may be more about the effort, rather than the outcome. Journeys can have a multitude of seasons. Pain and heartbreak have been a constant theme I run with. I'm hoping for better and trusting in redemption. It may seem hopeless but it's the whispers of joy that fill the aches. Finally I don't shout to a void, I don't always know who I'm shouting to but, He knows my name.

Growing up is funny. I was the little cousin always the youngest. I'm still the little cousin, but I'm getting to watch my beautiful family raise little ones with so much love. Today was hard. Today I cried a lot. But today was a day to celebrate because I have these incredible cousins here offering me love and support. We made it too the beach because I needed it. Gracie is filled this endless compassion. She nurtures with ease. Strong women build up other women, and I'm in so much gratitude.

I knew I would continue finding goodness. I knew some how I would start to allow myself to be gentle. Small steps. Quiet tries. My wounds are still deep. My aches are constant. Still wild with curiosity. Still rampant with skepticism.