#panic vent

I don’t like this

I think the sudden su thoughts triggered it

or maybe my parents fighting

or both

I’m shaking

I don’t like this

I don’t like this

things feel as if they’re about the collapse

It was little more than an ugly haze in the sky before I finished work, a soft but eerie glow when I tried to sleep, and by the time I took this picture, it had become an apocalyptic hellscape.

I’m hearing horror stories about people losing their houses, we’ve had distraught phone calls from family and friends, and frantic social media updates from people in the neighboring town of Cudgewa.

I am grateful for the diligent work of fire fighters and volunteers, despite against their best efforts, nature seems to be working against them with wind changing direction as if on a whim.

I am incredibly lucky to only be a panicking observer during this horrible event, I don’t know what to do or how to help these people, I only hope that those who have evacuated are safe, and those that are fighting the fires are successful, at least to some kind of degree.

and it makes me feel... trapped. like every time the office door opens, it reminds me of being in school i feel fucking streamlined to this thing that i dont want to be a part of and i can tell that fucking nobody likes anybody else and it’s all gossip and i can’t let myself become that person or the type of person that sits by while that shit happens. this is not high school, i am a grown ass woman and this is real fucking life. people go home after leaving work and they deal with their own shitty trauma and family worries and just normal life shit. i hate the fact that i have to be around that, like, energy??? it is extremely straining on my spirit and at this point i need to decide if a bit of extra money for a few weeks of the year is worth the tenuous hold on my mental health

and even then i gotta figure if i do take the extra strain like??? is that money the difference between actually being able to afford the therapy i very clearly need???