(ignore this, I just need to get the thoughts out of my head)
Not to be the Whiny Bitch on Main™, but I honestly feel like I'm invisible. Not just as far as Tumblr goes (though that's part of it), but like in my actual, every day, real life.
I was at the store today and people walked right in front of me or made a move that seemed like they would walk through me. It was like I wasn't visible. My kids completely ignore me (and yeah, yeah, kids are assholes sometimes) but I mean I'll say something or do something and it's like I wasn't even there. Not even a grumble of disagreement; just...nothing.
My husband may as well be my roommate. He doesn't touch me often and when he does it's not sexual. If I say I need a hug or affection he'll "cuddle" me, but I may as well be a pillow or something. Like yeah, his arm's around me, but it's just....there? Like there's no affection behind it. I need affection like I need water and air. There's not really any intimacy of any kind. It's like I'm like a placeholder or an Avatar that he can say "this is my wife" and that's as far as it goes.
I have friends. I have amazing friends. I do. And I feel the most seen by them than probably anyone. But what do you do when the people who "see" you the most completely are people who haven't even actually seen you at all?
Somehow I spend everyday feeling so fucking lonely I could scream. And the worst part is it's probably my fault. I could seek out people to talk to. I could chase down those connections. But it would be nice to be the one sought out; chased. Cherished.
A majority of my life I've felt like I've lived in third place. I'm good at lots of things, but not quite good enough to be great at any of them. I give it my all, and always come up short.
What's the point of even trying if I'm invisible? Would anyone even know if I was gone?
So, yes, Katy Perry. I do often feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind, wanting to start again. Thanks for asking. But I don't want to be a firework...I want to be seen.
