she leans in and whispers in my ear the hair on my neck stands up as if to translate what she is saying but my ear never gets the memo

she whispers all the things she wants me to feel all the things that should be between us but the signal got lost soft voices never worked in my psyche

now she is whispering sweet nothings into my ear but all it sounds like tshhhhhh is nothing

stuck in a room where the speakers are bumping as hard as they can I surrender my verbal communication I let my hips try to write a sentence and her words begin to slur into mine we sway forming paragraphs our feet are writing essays and as the night carries us the word limit is obliterated

when the speakers cut off there’s still tshhhhhh music playing in my ears I think she just said…her…name…was…claire or that I should check…the…clock? or that we have to…help…clean but I can’t tell reading lips is hardly an exact science and I think she just said she only deals in…absolutes? or I’m…too…loose? I’m lost maybe I’m struggling tonight because I’m four drinks in so I’m more dazed and lopsided than usual my whole night has been panned left and I wish I could just shift it back to center but I can’t dial back the last eight years of my life

when demons of anxiety damned me into my darkest hour I turned to music as my savior let the waves run through my body like church bells with every horn rip – soli – drum roll it felt like I was being baptized back to life

but the small ringing in my ears the first sign that a piece of me was still dying

so my vocabulary traded tenuto for tinnitus and my world turned into a lifelong decrescendo a slow pan to the left

and now eight years later

I’m standing on what I think is a quiet street and my ears have managed to recalibrate just a bit and she is no longer whispering the look on her face says this is serious

so as she tells me all the things that can only be shared with the comfort that comes with being awake for too long I listen but only with my right side so that maybe I can pass off all the pain between us as something I misheard so that maybe it just diminuendo into nothingness that this staccato sting of shitty situations could end if we just acted like it wasn’t there

and now she’s looking at me eyes wide and shimmering she leans in and puts her head on my left shoulder the hair on my neck stands up as if ready to translate but this time I can hear her breathing feel the way her heart beats like a metronome against mine and she says “what a beautiful night to be anywhere with you” and as her voice cuts through the salt and pepper background of my hearing I think maybe it’s the best thing I’ve heard all night

she leans into my ear and whispers

the hair on my neck stands up

as if to translate what she is saying

but my ear never gets the memo

And I know she’s whispering sweet nothings 

but all it sounds like

tshhhhhh

is nothing

I’m stuck in a room where the speakers are bumping 

As if they could cause earthquakes

So I surrender my verbal communication

I let my hips try to write a sentence

and her words begin to slur into mine

we sway forming paragraphs

our feet are writing essays

and as the night carries us

the word limit is obliterated

when the speakers cut off

there’s still

tshhhhhh

music playing in my ears

I think she just said that I should check…the…clock?

or

that we have to…help…clean

but I can’t tell

reading lips is hardly an exact science

and I think she just said

she only deals in absolutes?

or

I’m…too…loose?

I’m lost

perhaps I’m struggling tonight because I’m four drinks in

so I’m more dazed and lopsided than usual

my whole night has been panned left

and I wish I could just shift it back to center

but I can’t dial back

the last eight years of my life

When the demons of anxiety damned me into my darkest hour

I turned to music as my savior

let the waves run through my body like church bells

with every horn rip – soli – drum roll

it felt like I was being baptized back to life

but the small ringing in my ears

was the first sign that a piece of me was still dying

so my vocabulary traded tenuto for tinnitus

and my world turned into a lifelong decrescendo

a slow pan to the left

and now eight years later

I’m standing on what I think is a quiet street

and my ears have managed to recalibrate just a bit

or at the very least she is no longer whispering

and the look on her face says

this is serious

so as she tells me all the things

that can only be shared

with the comfort that comes with being awake for too long

I listen

but only with my right side

so that maybe I can pass off all the pain between us

as something I misheard

That maybe the staccato sting of shitty situations 

could dimmunedno into nothingness

if we just acted like it wasn’t there 

Before another thought can be amplified into existence 

she looks at me

leans in and puts her head on my left shoulder

the hair on my neck stands up

as if ready to translate

but this time

I can hear her breathing

feel the way her heart beats like a metronome against mine

and when she whispers

“what a beautiful night to be anywhere with you”

her voice cuts through the salt and pepper background of my hearing

I think

maybe

it’s the best thing I’ve heard

Look at this shit

None of it goes together

How did we get here