Food For Thought
Just a thought here...I really think too much when I am overtired and can't sleep. But some food for thought on some things I have been thinking very hard on lately.
As mentioned in a previous post, I am in love with my best friend. He makes me want to be a better person, and shows me how. Tells me that it's going to be okay when I feel at my lowest, always has dropped everything when I showed up on his doorstep in tears, or in a panic needing a friend to help me through. I don't think he really even can begin to understand how much it means to me that he has been here for me all this time. But here's the thing I find myself coming back to every day. Yes, I love him, but what kind of love is it truly?
His favorite thing to say to me is "you're my friend, and I care about you." Which is basically to me saying "you've been friendzoned." But that's okay. I mean, he's in my friendzone too, regardless of the feelings I have for him. Sure, my feelings go beyond that of simple friendship, but that doesn't really mean I'm set on pursuing anything more. I love our cuddly-wrestle-around-make-perverted-jokes-that-borderline-totally-crossing-the-line, type relationship. He's one of the few people I can be totally myself with, and not care about whether I'm a little bit weird or not. I can only hope that the feelings of wanting to keep this friendship going remain mutual.
Lately things have been getting rougher between us. I don't know what is causing it. Well, I guess I do. My temper has been getting the best of me, I just haven't been able to show him the appreciation that he deserves from me. I take full responsibility for my actions, but at the same time I can truly say that the BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) has been starting to control my life again with all the stress that I have been going through and it's showing in the way I treat the people I hold nearest and dearest. I am not proud of myself for letting this happen. I wish I knew how to fix things. Right now I'm struggling with only being able to shake them up.
Put simply, he is my Moirail--my one person set to even me out and function as some of my better qualities, or moreso, since we are humans, not trolls, help to bring those better qualities out (if you don't understand this reference, you need to read Homestuck). This pairing, though sometimes confused for that of a Matesprit (which I have already found--and again, more on Troll Romance if you read Homestuck), is more based on what the humans would call a platonic relationship, though the bond tends to go a little bit deeper than that of a friendship would appear on the surface. He evens me out in the places that I am a little rough around the edges. Keeps me sane. Reminds me that I am human, and make mistakes and shouldn't let them get in the way of living a healthy and happy life. I am terrified to lose one of the few people I hold so close to my heart. I have no intention of wanting to be Matesprits, it'd get too weird. I just want my Moirail back in the way it used to be before things started to get complicated. When we would just enjoy each other's company in as many ways as we could manage in one 12 hour period.
So to come to my conclusion of what kind of love this is, it is a very pale one. The one where I want him to be happy and to live his life in the way he deems the fullest. The one where, even though I may be jealous of any girl he starts giving extra attention to, I bite my lip and say nothing because I know it would be something he pursues for his happiness. I just don't want to see him make the mistake of living his life under the manipulation of another. If there's one thing I know, it's that I care more than I can begin to put into words to him. That I am afraid that he will not be able to see the difference between true romance, and total lies manipulation. I am trying so hard to have faith that he can take care of himself and let him grow into who he is to become. I just fear the worst. And want to protect. It's in my nature. It's who I am and will always be. Even though I can be volatile and bitchy, underneath is the softest person, just trying to reach out and say "I will always be right here."
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Until Next Time, The Butterfly Princess
