#palaging-sumasaiyo

Ang gumegewang na anino sa kanto ng Salvador ay pagmamay-ari ni Sally, alas dose ng gabi. Nakatingala ang ulo habang binabaybay ang dilim, kapag nangawit na ang leeg ay ibabaling ang tingin. Sa kaliwa, may kahel na pusa. Sa kanan ay mga lasing na nakalugmok ang mukha sa lamesa. "Wala nang tao sa eskinita, pwede nang pumasok at tumira," sambit sa sarili habang dumudukot sa bulsa.

"Mama!" Napabuntong hininga. Ang gusto lamang naman niya ay magpahinga, iwasan ang problema at ang katotohanang iniwan na siya ng asawa. Ang gagong si Joel, kasama na naman ang babae niya. 'Wala talagang pagtatanda, sana pinutulan ko na lang ng ari habang mahimbing ang tulog niya.' "Mama!" Ibinalik ang hawak na pakete sa bulsa.

"Tangina, ang itsura mo, nang-gigitata!" Hinawakan ang anak sa baba para itingala, pinahid ang pisngi gamit ang laylayan ng damit na singdumi din ng kaniyang mukha. "Bakit hanggang ngayon gising ka pa?!" Galit na sambit niya, limang taon pa lamang ang bata. "Nagugutom ako, mama." Nawala sa isip niyang hindi pa naghahapunan ang mga anak niya. Sila nga pala ang dahilan ng gabi-gabi niyang paghuhubad sa bar malapit sa plaza.

Pero wala na siyang pera, ang laman lamang ng kaniyang bulsa ay apat na gramo ng puting demonyo na lalason sa kaniyang pamilya.

Si Sally at ang kaniyang anino. Parehong madilim ang mundo.

It took me years to finally realize that self-destruction and my fatal longing for you have the exact same address. They live inside me and destroy the parts that aren't ruined yet. My body could not shake you off, my memories of you have teeth that are already in too deep under my skin.

These dreams I have of us have become nightmares that wakes me up at night– frazzled, disheveled, wrecked. You are a disease, you! One that has eyes too dark for my browns, has a scent too bewitching I almost forgot my name, mouth tasted so sweet I never noticed how red they were.

You are waving red, all along, in front of me. You were never my sanctuary, darling, you are a misery.

Hello, Katherine I know this is late and I shouldn't have written back but your letters are killing me. They're making me feel things I should've never felt, and it hurts me to see how me leaving have caused you so much pain. It should stop, you should let me go.

I am not the same Isabel you fell in love with, I changed a lot over the years you will never even recognize me. I know you think you're still in love with the 19-year old Isabel, but those were just your memories making fun of how lonely you are that you're forgetting to actually live your reality. Our reality. Us being apart, we took different roads now.

This is not love, Kate. You're thinking that what we had was the realest kind of love you could ever feel, why? Because that was the most painful? That that's where you keep coming back to? That it was the hardest one to let go, but no. We were just each other's bridges to get to where we're actually going but stronger because loving someone was not supposed to hurt you this long.

All these years, Kate? All these years, love was not meant for you to cry the night out, it wasn't supposed to leave you behind, as if loving was supposed to make you go through the painful process of unloving yourself, no. Love is supposed to make you feel a little more hopeful each day, as if what you are doing is worth the headache of writing those letters, worth the sleepless nights when you just want to dose off. Worth fighting this battle alone, and that's just not what I'm worth now, Kate.

I am getting tired of reading your letters and then blame myself after for things we should've moved on long ago, I am not coming back. You need to understand that. I loved you that's why I wrote this, but I'm begging you. Cross the bridge now, Kate. A better you is waiting there all along and maybe... Maybe you could still write letters. This time to her, the one you should actually love the most.

Sincerely, Isabel

Saan mo man piliing pumunta, gaano mo man kalayo gustong maglayag. Maghihintay ako sa lugar kung saan sabay tayong nangarap, umibig, at maging buo. Kahit saan ka man makarating, malayo man o malapit ang lalakarin. Asahan mong sa iyong pagbabalik, ang naghihintay sa iyo ay ako at ang isang tasa ng mainit na kape.

Buoin mo ang mga pangarap na ikaw lang ang makatutupad, abutin mo ang lahat. Ibalot ang mga palad sa walang kapantay mong kapalaran. Umuwi ka sa akin ng kumpleto, at kung kulang pa rin ang lahat ay pangalanan mo lamang ang mga dapat kong punan.

Hindi mo kailangan magmadali, ang mga nagmamahal ay nakatakdang mainip ngunit hindi magsasawa. Palagi akong maghihintay. Ginawa ang mga paa ko para mangawit, ang mga braso ko upang mag-ipon ng init, at mga labi para sa muli mong pagbabalik.

Palaging sumasaiyo, Kate

What are the odds of us running the same paths every morning, walking the same avenue for unwinding. How come we are where we are when we're supposed to be?

At the right place. On the same day. At the right time.

How often do you meet people without using your lips, how many times should this happen before we finally speak.

Maybe we will never go back to being strangers, and you will forever be the favorite person I've never actually met. To see you in my mornings when I take my walks, or to not be alone with you while I try to be alone with myself. Deep inside us knew, and I believe we'll always know.

We were meant to dance under the rain.

We were meant to kiss when the sun sets.

We were meant to lock eyes.

And I can't wait 'till we finally have the courage to smile.

h.cambel | 06.29.21

Patawarin mo ko ha, Is? I'm sorry. Kung nagawa ko sa'yo 'yon, kung pinili ko na saktan ka na lang. Kung mali 'yung mga naging desisyon ko sa buhay, naging ano kasi eh. Ewan ko, parang– duwag ako. Oo, natakot ako na sasaktan mo lang ako ulit. Hindi ko pa rin maalis sa isip ko na nasaktan mo na ako dati. Ilang beses na kasi, tapos tiniis ko lang lahat kasi sobra kitang mahal. Grabe pala. Nakain ako ng galit, ng inis, ng grudge– na hindi ko alam meron pala. Hindi ko talaga alam, akala ko kasi okay na ulit ako. Kaya ko nang tanggapin ka ulit pero hindi pa pala. Alam mo 'yon? Tangina, sorry ha.

Dumating tayo sa ganong point eh, parang 'yung higit sa atin ng tadhana ang bigat na, hindi ako makawala noon kahit alam kong mali eh. Tapos pinili ko na lang na ano– biglang bumitaw. Parang wala, hindi na ako nagtiwala. Naubos na ata, naubos ako. Kahit na gusto kitang piliin ulit non, ang hirap na. Sorry ha. Ano, nagtanda ako. Ano eh– parang ewan. Nadala ako eh. Dala na 'ko. Hindi na 'ko tanga.

– Kate

Hihinila na ako ng antok ngunit ayaw ko pang matulog, masyadong maingay ang huni sa akin ng lungkot. Bumubulong ng mga bagay na nais ko nang makalimutan, nagpapaalala ng mga dating galit.

Lumiwanag saglit ang paligid, umaga na pala sa labas. Iniwasan kong gumalaw at ilang saglit pa ay makulimlim na naman at umuulan. Umalis na ang araw, pinalitan na ito ng buwan at sangkaterbang tubig ulan, nagpaalala na umiikot pa rin ang mundo at hindi ito sa tuktok ng ulo ko.

Sa unang pagkakataon napilit ko ang sarili kong bumangon. Marami pang mga bagay ang ikaguguho ng mundo ko, at ayaw ko man ay kailangan kong mabuhay sa mga ito.

What do you mean? It's not like that, this person actually like me this time. Last night she told me I was pretty, and I mean–what?! Where have you been all this time? Like, are you for real?!