Right now there is no way for me to know how you are feeling. Right now there is no way to describe how our time together was a gift I will never regret being given. Right now I can look at the stagnant swamp that was losing all semblance of hope. Right now I am able to give you thanks for introducing passion, feelings, true hope, into my life. Right now I give you my deepest Thank You as well for the gift of being broken by you. I knew that something drastic had to happen for me to break away from the deliberately self sabotaging, life ending vortex I had created to blindfold myself from how dead I was inside. Right now I know that there is a truth you may never be able to see. This truth is one I verbalized to you as often as I could, though I was never able to find a way to gift you with the understanding of what the words meant. I love you more now, than when I began this sentence. This statement isn't for you to finally come to have some spiritual or existence changing epiphany that suddenly allows you to believe what I know, and have known for the majority of the brief time we had together. This statement is actually one that is more than any words could truly be. This statement is only going to slowly be allowed to fade from your mind as you recover from the painful experiences we dealt with during our relationship. As you let go of the chaotic whirlwind of lies, drugs, tenderness, yelling, caring, aggressive, loving, crippling and destructive things that made up our days, I hope you are able to see that you showed me that life is worth striving for. Without passion, there can be no excitement. Without struggle, peace  , and happiness could never exist. If everything in life was effortless, then life would be the true evil we all had to deal with. Our time together both destroyed everything I was inside, obliterated all delusions I had developed about love, took away any beliefs I had held about life and family, as well as finished taking away any physical "treasures" I had been forcing myself to keep. The sentimental objects were destroying me easily more responsible than any malevolent experience given by you, me, coincidence, or person we dealt with since 12 February two-thousand and eighteen. I cannot allow myself to be such a toxin in your life anymore. There is nothing better I can do to prove my love to you than to help you avoid any more injury caused by our toxic  interactions together. I realized that I must completely remove myself from your awareness or risk destroying not only the gift your love has given me, but you, my family, Louis, and anyone else that could get sucked into chaotic tempest of destruction that always erupts whenever we get together. For me, I have chosen to believe that we each have such passion for the feelings and love for one another, that there is no way to balance the blazing inferno that we each are inside. At least not while we still are unable to look ourselves in the mirror and truthfully be able to see only a trusted helpful friend staring back through our own eyes. I have been clean since August 27th 2019 when I was arrested. I have been holding a full[-time job, or was until the COVID-19 legislature shut down restaurants like the one I am a cook at. I am taking classes to learn how to handle out of control situations caused by unchecked emotions, and controlling people. I am avoiding getting caught up in detrimental arguments and situations that are the reality of the life we were living the last 2 years. Right now, I am writing this all out for myself; as I cannot risk destroying any of the efforts that I have taken to keep you and I from being each other's apocalypse.  You truly are my Twin Flame Amour. Your souls blazing fire pierced the infinitely thick black abyss that had overwhelmed me, and the light that leads me back to the living was given to me by you. Perhaps one day you will find this, or perhaps in future decades to come we will run into each other and be able to be around one-another long enough to actually talk about our journey through the years and I will be able to give you this long winded explanation for why I ghosted you, apology for not being strong enough to realize that true love means understanding you will be better able to work towards happiness without me right now, and my Thank You Crystal. I am no longer being smothered by the leeching black void that was my life because of you. The fires of you burned, but they also cleared out the decay that had been suffocating any true effort before it could gain the nutrients and nourishment needed to take root and grow.
