#pae

dear diary,

Thank you @𝒏𝒊𝒂ᢉ𐭩 on Tik Tok for this wonderful fanfic idea!! Creds to them :)

QIN

Qin wasn’t sure what to label his relationship with Duang. Since that fateful day at the Loy Krathong festival, Duang declared he was going to win his heart. He couldn't explain it then or now, but his confession felt different from others'. Instead of irritating him, it made him rather curious. And so, Qin did something he rarely did: he gave in to curiosity. He told him to try his best, expecting him to give up. But on the contrary, Duang followed him around constantly; Trailing behind him, putting stickers up around campus, bringing food and snacks for him and his friends, and flirting nonstop. But it didn’t make him uncomfortable; it settled into a place of comfort. And along the way, maybe Qin started looking forward to what scheme Duang had for the day to ultimately win his heart. 

The day started normally enough; he had just finished basketball practice and entered the locker room. Tong looked at him with a sly expression, “Duang isn’t coming today?”

He tried to remain expressionless, “How would I know? We’re not a thing.” He says nonchalantly. 

But his friends, fortunately and unfortunately, were in tune with his feelings. Qin swore Tong’s smile grew slightly. “Currently, you’re not. But what about the future?” He asks.

“Duang is a nice guy, you know? He not only cares about you, but also about us.” Kim continues. And he does know that, after Tong made a throwaway comment about treating them well, Duang has brought extra snacks and drinks to share with them every single time.

“People seem dedicated when impressing someone. I like to take my time to see someone.” He responds because in the back of his mind, he can’t help but fear. Scared that it’s too good to be true. 

“Taking it too long can be bad. A fighter can become a quitter.” Tong says. “That’s not my concern. If he wants to love-bomb me and become a different person when I say yes, what’s the point of having a boyfriend?” He snaps back. And isn’t that his biggest concern, that in the end, he will quit? 

Kim reassures him that Duang isn’t that type of person, and Tong teases him about opening up to Duang’s advances, but he stays silent, opting to hit the showers instead. Because logically, he knows they’re both right, Duang is different. He does have high walls to prevent himself from getting hurt. And most importantly, he is more open to Duang than he has been to anyone in a long, long time; that’s what scares him the most.

He re-enters the locker room, after his shower, to grab his stuff, when Duang comes running in. He has drinks for Tong and Kim, once again, and a drink for himself. Jamie and Pae come running after teasing Duang. He liked seeing this side of Duang, the one who gets annoyed by his friend.

After some back-and-forth and ultimately being ditched by Tong and Kim, he ends up going to dinner with Duang and his friends. 

Dinner starts off well enough; they find seats, and Duang keeps giving him pork until there’s none left. He notices Duang didn’t get any, so without thinking, he puts one on his plate. He watches Duang basically melt, gushing at him. He turns away in fake annoyance, hoping the slight flush to his face is hidden in the bad lighting. 

Jamie teasingly asks for some pork too, and Qin is reminded of how well Duang treats his friends. The least he could do is show that same care for Duang’s friends. With that thought in mind, he gives pork to both Jamie and Pae. He looks over to see Duang pouting at him. He’s adorable. I want to squish his cheeks. He feels his cheeks warm at his own thoughts. 

It goes downhill from there, with an unexpected bump in with an old friend from high school, Cho. At first, he’s reminiscing about their memories, when suddenly his love life, or lack thereof, is brought up.

“So were you a hot guy?” Pae asks, teasingly.

“He was so freaking hot, let me tell you that. But he didn’t seem to care about anyone, except my friend, Tiw.” Cho says, and he felt himself freeze. 

The room turned slightly colder, and he couldn’t bring himself to look over at Duang’s reaction. Cho, being the oblivious man he is, continues, “Just let me talk about it; it was a long time ago. And you two already broke up.”

“We didn’t break up or anything.” He says defensively that he doesn’t want them to get the wrong idea. He doesn’t want Duang to get the wrong idea. He’s not sure why. 

“But there’s something spicy. Tiw, my friend, gave Qin a teddy bear in front of everyone at school. He wanted everyone to know Qin was his.” Cho teases. Qin feels himself tense. The darn teddy bear, the one Duang saw at his place. He looks over to see Pae and Jamie exchange looks, but he still can’t bring himself to look over at Duang. 

“But if you want to get back together with him, feel free to tell him,” Cho says, and Qin feels pure annoyance. What is his problem?

Jamie changes the subject, “Qin, is the jelly good?”

“It’s decent.” He replies, confused.

“What do you think of Duang?” And for the umpteenth time, he’s caught off guard. Quickly, he realizes why Jamie asked him that: it was to subtly let Cho know, who finally got the message, and apologized.

“What do you think of Duang?” Pae repeats, leaning forward. Before he can answer, not that he knew what to say, Duang speaks up for the first time, “I’ll get you another bowl.” He says, before running away.

Duang is too naive, Qin. If you don’t tell him how you feel, he’ll never know. The one line echoes in his mind. He always thought Duang was sure of himself, that he would be able to tell Qin’s affection and feelings, without him having to put it into words. But as he looks over at Duang at the serving table and sees him trying to hide his sadness with a smile, he is struck by a thought. What if Duang was as unsure as he felt, and was just better at hiding it? 

Qin contemplated the entire walk back on how to bring up his thoughts, but he was never good with words. As the walk was coming to an end, he caved and decided to stay silent. Better to say nothing than the wrong thing and make it worse.

He knew this was cowardly of him, but one part of him wanted to plan his words properly, and another part of him wondered if he was just overreacting. I mean, this is Duang; Happy, relentless, caring Duang. He’s probably just overthinking the dinner. But even as he convinces himself that nothing has changed, it doesn’t stop the knot forming in his stomach. 

He sits on his coach, lost in thought, fingers scrolling until somehow he ends up on Duang’s Instagram page. Traitorous fingers. He sees that Duang uploaded a story, and instantly clicks it. The video was of the night sky; there’s nothing relatively sad about it. See, he’s fine. He tries to convince himself that he’s overthinking, but a part of him knows. Before he could talk himself out of it, he liked Duang’s story and turned it off. There, that will show him I care, he thinks while smiling. Sleep doesn’t come easily to him that night.

The next morning, he’s standing next to the crosswalk with his usual white headphones on, but today, he has nothing playing in them. He felt something was off before he even saw Duang, something about him was off; He walked up to him and handed him a drink like usual, but it was all wrong. Like one wrong move, and Duang would disappear.

The warning bells start off with the simplest thing: a hello from Duang. To most, it sounded how it usually sounds, but he knew better. He has had Duang trailing behind him for weeks, and as much as he likes to pretend it doesn’t affect him, he’s noticed almost everything about Duang by now.

He knows Duang. And the pitch of his voice when he greeted him was off. There was a smile on his face, but it didn’t reach his eyes like they usually do. His smile would usually make his eyes scrunch at the corners, and his dimples would pop out. Not that Qin noticed or anything… because he hadn’t. Obviously. 

He shook it off. Maybe Duang was just tired? They were out pretty late last night, and based on his Instagram story, he was out longer. 

“Let me walk you to class,” Duang says, with a small smile. But all it did was make him want to scream even more.

The second warning bell came almost instantaneously after, in the form of silence; One thing Duang isn’t is silent.  He’s always filling the air with either light conversation, obvious flirting, or nonsensical but endearing sounds. Either way, he was accustomed to the noise. Duang hasn’t even screamed about him liking his Instagram story, not one word about it. They walked side by side, but Duang didn’t ‘accidentally’ bump into his side, or try to ‘accidentally’ hold his hand. 

The third warning bell sounded when they finally reached his class. As they were parting ways, Duang said, “Have a good class,” with that same small smile. No overdramatic sigh, no declaration that time is going to move so slowly since he won’t be next to Duang, no debates on whether he should sneak into his class, and no whining. A small smile and “have a good class” is what he got. 

Qin hated it. He hated it with a passion. And he hated that he hated it so much. He can feel his fears lingering. He finally got tired. He’s giving up. He’s tired of waiting.  He wanted to say something, anything. But he didn’t know what to say.

He habitually went to class and sat down next to Tong and Kim. They asked him if he was okay, and he offered a noncommittal nod. Nowhere close to the truth, but they didn’t push. He couldn’t focus on the lesson; all he could think about was how distant Duang had been all morning. He had to do something, anything, to get Duang back.

He quickly packs his stuff up and stands, almost stumbling at his quick movement. “Where are you going?” Kim asks him.

“To win back my Duang.” He is determined. My Duang, that felt so good to say.

He hears Kim and Tong whistle and cheer him on, but he doesn't stop. He hears them follow beside him, always there to support him, without being asked. 

He walks determinedly through the halls. Usually, he waits for Duang to come to him, but today he was going to go to Duang first; he would be the one to show up. Show that he cares. 

“Have you seen Duang today?” He hears some guy say to his group of friends. He usually wouldn’t care about gossip, but they were talking about Duang. He slows down and spots the group by the locker.

“He’s so bearable now that he toned his personality down.”

“Do you think someone finally told him how annoying he is? Good riddance. I should give that person 10,000 baht.”

“He’s finally likable now that he’s not him.”

“I knew he was faking his personality; no one is that upbeat all the time. He’s such a fake.”

“He’s a man-child.”

“How did he ever think he had a chance with Qin? He’s the untouchable hottie of the campus, as if he ever had a chance.”  They banter back and forth, laughing at each other’s quips, enabling each other.

Qin likes to think of himself as a rational person. He hated attention. He hated getting involved in trivial matters. He avoided confrontation like his life depended on it. But this was about Duang, HIS Duang, the same Duang he’s been worried about all day.

He barely heard his friends call his name as he walked up to the group of boys. He felt everyone’s eyes on him, and while it usually bothered him, today he used it as fuel.

“Shut the hell up. You don’t get to talk about him like that; you don’t deserve to even utter his name. His name is worth more than all of you combined. Who do you think you are to talk about the kindest, most caring, selfless, and happiest person like that? Acting like his best qualities, things that you obviously lack, are flaws that he should be ashamed of? You don’t know Duang, and thank goodness for that, because pathetic, unhappy people like you don’t deserve to know him. You thought he didn’t have a chance with me? You’re so wrong. I’m the one who is lucky to have a chance with him, because he is out of all our leagues.” He spats angrily. 

The courtyard goes silent, gobsmacked at Qin for snapping. He feels the cameras on him, he feels the eyes, he feels the judgement, but for once, it didn’t bother him.

He doesn’t wait for a response from the boys; he couldn’t be bothered. They were basically gum on the bottom of his shoe for all he cared. He was on a mission, with the adrenaline pumping through his body, and he walked to the Decorative Arts campus. 

He found Duang instantly, like his eyes were meant to find him in a crowd. Duang, who was walking next to Jamie and Pae, had that small, subdued smile painted on his face. He heard everyone stop to whisper as he passed, but he didn’t let that falter his steps. His eyes locked on Duang, and everything else faded into the background. 

He saw Pae nudge Duang until he finally looked up, and they locked eyes. “Qin, I was on my way to you—“ Duang started. But before he could finish, Qin closed the distance between them. At first, he didn’t say anything; he just stared up at Duang. Duang looked back at him, confused, “Is something wrong?” He asks worriedly. Worried about him when he was the one upset. Who is this man? Did someone send him as an apology for all the horrible men he had to deal with before he met Duang?

He took a step closer, maintaining eye contact, and pulled him into a hug. He felt Duang freeze in surprise, but Qin didn’t falter; he just patiently waited. He leans forward, gets on his tippy toes, and whispers into his ear, “You don’t have to smile if you don’t want to. You don’t have to pretend with me.” He says quietly, just for him and Duang, because that’s all that matters.

He feels Duang let out a shaky breath, Duang’s hands shake as they finally fall around his waist, holding him like he’s precious, and that if he didn’t hold on, he would disappear.

He wouldn’t, and he had to let Duang know that. He was never good with words or expressing his emotions, but for Duang, he was willing to try. He pulled away slightly, smiling when he heard Duang whine quietly. 

He takes a deep breath and looks Duang straight in the eyes. “I like you. I like you for always being here. I like you for staying by my side. I like you for quietly listening. I like you for working hard on a performance because you knew how much it meant to me. I like you for reassuring me when I never expressed my doubts. I like you for caring for my friends. I like you for liking me even when I don’t know how to say it. I like you for being you.” He says earnestly. 

He watches as the lingering doubt clears from Duang’s eyes, the sad expression fully melted off his lips. In place of it, his million-dollar smile. His eyes were a little moist, as a light blush adorned his cheeks and his ears. He’s so adorable.

“Oh, Ter, you’re so cute. What am I going to do, my heart is dancing to the sounds of Qin Qin Qin.” Duang says in excitement. Usually, Qin would deflect to hide his embarrassment, his affection, but he didn’t have to hide anymore. Instead, he gives Duang a cheeky smile, “And the beats of Duang Duang Duang is surrounding my brain and heart.” 

“Ugh, they’re already unbearable,” Pae says teasingly.

“Oh, I didn’t know my friend was this cheesy. Someone save us all,” Tong responds in jest.

“You guys are ruining their moment, shhh,” Kim says.

Qin blushes; he forgot that everyone was watching them, including their friends. He looks over at Duang and finds that it was all worth it. 

Duang bumps his shoulder with his. Is this okay? He asks with his eyes. He smiles back. This is more than okay.

Boy do I have some thoughts

Okay all in all i loved the characters. Kai and paedyn are my babies and they deserve the world I will keep them safe in my pocket

I wanted to give this book 5 stars, I really did but there were too many issues that I couldn't ignore

1. The spelling/grammer/sentence mistakes

Why were there so many damn mistakes??? This felt like the first draft of the book. Does the author not have editors or beta readers???

Excerpts below: (highlighted by the aggressive use of pooja)

2. It felt like Lauren Roberts read every famous booktok book and mashed them into one

Now there's nothing wrong with taking inspiration from other books but it felt like she took the fan favourites scenes or basic concepts from another book and put them into her book to appeal to the booktok audience. And it worked.

There wasn't much original content in this book and I would have loved to see some things expanded on but it seemed to have been dumbed down to work for booktok

Excerpts below:

3. Way too much telling and less showing

Adena was only mentioned per convenience and there weren't any scenes expect in the beginning of the book where they actually showed the relationship between adena and pae and how much they care for each other. A few more pages with them would have made Adena's death feel more significant but it just felt like she was a means to end and was used as a scapegoat to deliver an emotional blow to the readers.

Another thing that I felt like was just told but not shown was the relationship of the brothers and jax. To show emphasis on their brotherly bonding, they just had kai constantly ruffling jax's hair. It would have been so great if she had given a little back story of the brothers with jax like lauren did for kitt and kai often

Also half the time I couldn't even tell what position the characters were in because of the lack of description given when they changed position. I did not understand how Kai and Pae were sitting under the willow tree when they were thumb fighting. Where is what limb??

4. So many loose ends and for what

Some things that looked like would be important later were just brushed aside after being mentioned once or twice and it really did leave me wondering throughout the book. Other scenes were just skipped over or rushed through to get to the interesting parts leaving me confused as to how and what happened.

A scene of Kai or kitt reflecting on paedyn's back scars because of stealing as a kid would have been so perfect. I really thought we would get a scene like that, especially since it was mentioned with such emphasis, but the scars on her back were never mentioned when she was in the palace and around the brothers. Literally not even once

Also how did paedyn get from the palace to her old house when she was looking for the resistance?? Did she not need a horse? Because kitt and her needed a horse to make it to Loot and Loot wasn't too far from her house. So did she walk?? How did she make it back with Lenny?? That scene was so rushed

What I did love:

I still love the book though. The fights scenes had me holding my breath. Lauren Roberts really does have a talent for helping you visualise those. Especially the scene where jax almost died, I didn't breathe at all until he was okay.

And the development of the relationship between and Kai and pae was so sweet it didn't feel forced and I loved seeing their thoughts change throughout the book.

This book started off so strong, with promising nuance and world-building, but it seems to have lost that momentum until the end.

𝓟𝓪𝓮𝓭𝔂𝓷 𝓖𝓻𝓪𝔂

Summary:

He stood, beautiful and well dressed, looking around anxiously. Examining him from a distance, a drow woman peeked around the corner of a large rock. What was he to her? Danger? Ally? .....Tadpole?

Series: Part 1 of I Waited 200 Years, and For What?

Status: Complete