#paaain

“What cycle?”

{ stolen from: @danger-tits-lute }

{ tagging: anyone :3

Prompt: Memories (from Chilumi Weekly Prompts on twt)

Contains (mild) 4.2 Archon Quest spoilers. Read at your own risk I guess.

DENIAL

It starts in the court, Emily watching Lute say those horrible things and willing to kill those souls. But it's a mistake, right? Lute can't possibly be okay with this without a good reason. She knows.

I feel the lavender haze creepin' up on me. Surreal, I'm damned if I do give a damn what people say. No deal, the 1950s shit they want from me. I just wanna stay in that lavender haze.

Meanwhile, Lute sees her friend hurt and confused, but she can make this right. She can convince her that those sinners deserve death. Emily will see this throught.

In the middle of the night, when I'm in this dream it's like a million little stars spelling out your name. You gotta come on, come on, say that we'll be together

...but she doesn't. And Emily can't believe that Lute really wants to kill those sinners that bad. Why would she? This isn't right. Why Lute is okay with this? This is a mistake, it must be a mistake, but everything tells her it isn't.

He says, "What you heard is true, but I can't stop thinkin' 'bout you and I". I said, "I've been there too a few times"

But Lute knows Emily just needs time, she will understand. In the meantime, they can still be friends... right?

But if I just showed up at your party, would you have me? Would you want me? Would you tell me to go fuck myself or lead me to the garden? In the garden, would you trust me if I told you it was just a summer thing?

Emily is betrayed, she needs to be away from Lute, think about this...

You said, "I know" when I said, "I need some time, need some space to think about all of this" You watched me go and I knew my words were hard to hear and harder to ever take back.

And so, as she starts to see that Lute isn't really the person she thought she was, she starts to feel...

ANGER

You took a swing, I took it hard, and down here from the ground, I see who you are. I'm sick and tired of your attitude I'm feeling like I don't know you

How? How could Lute agree with all of this? How could she kill all those souls? Lie to her for some many years? She thought Lute was her friend, a protector, but know she isn't sure anymore

Did you have to do this? I was thinking that you could be trusted. Did you have to ruin what was shining? Now it's all rusted. Did you have to hit me where I'm weak? Baby, I couldn't breathe. And rub it in so deep salt in the wound like you're laughing right at me

That's when Lute starts to realize that Emily isn't going to change her mind. She is really mad...

And it was like slow motion standing there in my party dress in red lipstick with no one to impress. And they're all laughing as I'm looking around the room. But there was one thing missing and that was the moment I knew

But Lute is mad too! What does Emily know? She has been protected her whole life and only sees the good that there is a humanity! But Lute has seen the filth! How horrible they are! They are sinners, they are wicked, they deserve death! She is doing something good, she is protecting Heaven, she is protecting Emily! How can she not see that?

While you were out building other worlds, where was I? Where's that man who'd throw blankets over my barbed wire? I made you my temple, my mural, my sky. Now I'm begging for footnotes in the story of your life [...] If it's all in my head, tell me now. Tell me I've got it wrong somehow. I know my love should be celebrated but you tolerate it.

Emily doesn't want to hear anything. She is not stupid, she knows that there is bad people in the universe! Does Lute think she is stupid? Does Lute even really knew her? Every time she hears a word coming out of Lute's mouth, she feels her heart broke even more because dispite everything she still loves her

And you wanna scream, don't call me "kid". Don't call me "baby". Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me. You showed me colors you know I can't see with anyone else. Don't call me "kid". Don't call me "baby". Look at this idiotic fool that you made me.

But she can't stand this. She won't take part of this. Lute can excuse herself everything she wants, but Emily is not going to believe her.

Looking so innocent, I might believe you if I didn't know. Could've loved you all my life if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold. And you got your share of secrets and I'm tired of being last to know. And now you're asking me to listen cause it's worked each time before. But you don't have to call anymore. I won't pick up the phone. This is the last straw, don't wanna hurt anymore. And you can tell me that you're sorry but I don't believe you baby like I did before. You're not sorry.

Emily is going to act like a child? So be it! Lute is doing something right, if Emily can't see it, it's her fucking problem!! She has Sera's aprobation, she doesn't need Emily's. She doesn't care! And she doesn't mind losing her friend!

Hello Mr. "Perfectly fine", how's your heart after breaking mine? Mr. "Always at the right place at the right time, " baby. Hello Mr. "Casually cruel". Mr. "Everything revolves around you" [...]. He goes about his day forgets he ever even heard my name. Well, I thought you might be different than the rest, I guess you're all the same

So they part ways, and Emily is left with her broken heart. She never really asked Lute for anything, to feel the same way as she did. But this? This she can't tolerate. Even if a deep part of her still loves Lute, she knows she has to stop loving her even if she misses her. Because the Lute she knew, isn't the Lute she fell in love with.

What a waste taking down the pictures and the plans we made, yeah. And it's strange how your face doesn't look so innocent. Your secret has its consequence and that's on you, babe.

Or does she? As months pass, and she misses Lute more, Emily starts to wonder if there is a way to solve this. Sure she couldn't be completely wrong about Lute, she is still a protector and kind inside, right? She just has to help her realize how wrong is to kill those sinners. Maybe she can...

BARGAIN

I wish you would come back, wish I'd never hung up the phone like I did. I wish you knew that I'd never forget you as long as I'd live. And I wish you were right here, right now

So she decides to do something, hang out with her again, do what they did before, slowly help Lute to see what is correct. Sure she will eventually listen. And that way, they can be friends again, and maybe her heart won't ache so much anymore.

Open the blinds, let me see your face, you wouldn't be the first renegade to need somebody. Is it insensitive for me to say get your shit together? So I can love you

Lute also misses her friend. Maybe they can agree to not agree? Act like they did before this whole mess. Pretend that exterminations never existed, not think about demons, or anything that might bring trouble. Just the two of them being friends.

I told myself, don't get attached. But in my mind, I play it back, sinning faster than the plane that took you. And this is when the feeling sinks in. I don't wanna miss you like this. Come back, be here

But it's impossible. They can hang out everything they want, do the things they used to. But they are not on the same page anymore. Lute wants to pretend that nothing happened, but Emily can't simple ignore what Lute did, what she still wants to do, and tries to talk about it and change her mind. Lute doesn't want to hear anything about it, and they argue again.

And it's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound. It's hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you. You're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town. And I just wanted you to know that this is me trying. (And maybe I don't quite know what to say). I just wanted you to know that this is me trying. At least I'm trying.

Lute starts to see that pretending that exterminations, all the things she has done, doesn't exist, is not going to work. Lute is the angel she is, she is a warrior, and protector, and yes, a demon killer, and as long as she is those things, there will always be a wall between Emily and her.

Our coming-of-age has come and gone, suddenly the summer, it's clear. I never had the courage of my convictions. As long as danger is near, and it's just around the corner, darling, 'cause it lives in me. No, I could never give you peace.

Emily feels her heart truly broken. Why she had to fell in love with her? Why with someone that was so different from the person she thought her was? She has to step away, for real this time, but it just hurts so much.

I get drunk but it's not enough. 'Cause you're not my baby. I look through the windows of this love, even though we boarded them up. Chandelier's still flickering here, 'cause I can't pretend it's ok when it's not.

It was always a lost cause, wasn't it? There is no way of fixing this, of being together again in any form, and Emily should be mad and furious and scream and break everything, but now all she has is a feeling of...

DEPRESSION

Do I throw out everything we built or keep it?. I'm getting tired even for a phoenix. Always risin' from the ashes, mendin' all her gashes, you might just have dealt the final blow. Stop, you're losin' me. Stop, you're losin' me. Stop, you're losin' me. I can't find a pulse, ny heart won't start anymore.. for you.

Emily cuts all comunication with Lute, because she knows that the more she tries to reach to Lute, the more she is going to get hurt. Is better to leave, to find another place to heal (like hell), where she won't feel this feeling of dying inside anymore.

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, you were bigger than the whole sky, you were more than just a short time. And I've got a lot to pine about. I've got a lot to live without. I'm never gonna meet, what could've been, would've been. What should've been you. What could've been, would've been you

Lute also knows she has to stay away from Emily, at this point, the only thing they are doing is hurting the other. She doesn't want to hurt Emily. She still thinks she is the kindest, most lovable girl she knows, but she is destroying that sweet girl. They have to get distance, even if it breaks her heart.

Power went to my head, and I couldn't stop. Ones I loved tried to help, so I ran them off. And here I sit alone, behind walls of regret, falling down like promises that I never kept. And I feel like my castle's crumbling down, and I watch all my bridges burn to the ground. And you don't want to know me, I will just let you down, you don't wanna know me now

How did they end up that way? They were so close, they were the best of friends, they laughed, they shared adventures... and now everything is broken.

Oh, I hate those voices, tellin' me I'm not in love anymore. But they don't give me choices, and that's what these tears are for. 'Cause we were happy, we were happy. When it was good, baby, it was good, baby, we showed 'em all up, no one could touch the way we laughed in the dark.

Lute focus on her job as the new lieutenant. She ignores the ache in her heart, she transforms the pain, this sadness, into power, to train, to lead, to be more powerful and to kill those fucking demons. While still hoping that one day, Emily will understand why she is doing what she is doing.

I cause no harm, mind my business. If our love died young, I can't bear witness. And it's been so long, but if you ever think you got it wrong, I'm right where you left me.

Emily, on the other side, decides to turn her sadness into something different. Focus on what she can do, instead of what she can't. She can't make Lute change her mind, but can help Charlie and the sinners, even if at nights she suffers, she desires that everything was different, and the pain is so much she feels she is going to die.

Maybe I was naive, got lost in your eyes, and never really had a chance. My mistake, I didn't know to be in love, you had to fight to have the upper hand. I had so many dreams about you and me, happy endings, now I know... I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale. I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell

...but she is stronger than she believes. Yes, it hurts so much. But also, the more she cries, the more the pain starts to go. The more she helps with the hotel, the more she smiles. She believed that her broken heart would kill her, that not having Lute in her life anymore would destroy her, but she is still standing. She is moving forward, without Lute, but in the right direction. And so she moves to the final stage.

ACCEPTANCE

Cause there were pages turned with the bridges burned, everything you lose is a step you take. So make the friendship bracelets, take the moment and taste it, you've got no reason to be afraid. You're on your own, kid. Yeah, you can face this. You're on your own, kid, you always have been

Lute isn't the person she thought she was, which is horrible. But she can try to change her, which will only hurt her, or she can just let her be. Do what she knows best, help demons, hope for Lute to open her eyes, but not trying to force her to do so if she doesn't want to.

That old familiar body ache, the snaps from the same little breaks in my soul, I know when it's time to go. Sometimes, givin' up is the strong thing. Sometimes, to run is the brave thing. Sometimes, walkin' out is the one thing that will find you the right thing.

Lute sadness also starts to go away eventually. She faces the truth. Her relationship with Emily will never be the same. And even if it hurts, she has to learn to live in a world without her friend.

Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt. Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve. People are people, and sometimes it doesn't work out, nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out. And we know it's never simple, never easy, never a clean break, no one here to save me. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand. And I can't, breathe, without you, but I have to.

Emily sees Lute eventually, and as the time pass, she will notice that when she sees Lute, it's not the most beautiful woman she has ever seen, the one she wants to be with. She is just Lute, the leader of the Exorcists, and thus, someone she must stop if she tries to hurt her friends. She is not in love with Lute anymore, and that's okay.

There'll be happiness after you, but there was happiness because of you. Both of these things can be true. There is happiness, past the blood and bruise, past the curses and cries. Beyond the terror in the nightfall, haunted by the look in my eyes, that would've loved you for a lifetime. Leave it all behind and there is happiness

And when Lute sees Emily, she sees how different she is, she hates it, but there is nothing she can do about it. That's fine. They are different people now.

You grew your hair long, you got new icons. And from the outside, it looks like you're trying lives on. I miss the old ways, you didn't have to change. But I guess I don't have a say, now that we don't talk.

Emily finally starts to be the person she was before, but wiser. This pain has made her stronger. She starts to smile again, be the seraph she was before, her pain fades away...

Rain came pouring down, when I was drowning, that's when I could finally breathe. And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean.

...and eventually, she will find love again. A real love. Without lies. Without secrets. Just a pure, sweet love, she will cherish forever.

Hell YEAH. Here's more of the local idiot being sick over his own horrible decision making.

---------

Luke was pretty sure his apartment had never looked more pristine than now. In his stress cleaning phase he had taken to the grout with a toothbrush, so even the joints between the tiles in the bathroom were all stark white... and he hated it.

He hated the house being this neat so much that he had started considering just dumping a can of soup in the kitchen floor, just to have something to do.

In truth he had plenty of what to do. Despite finally catching up in all the uni work he had let pile up and the actual elections work that he had set aside, he still could just go hang out with his friends. Surely they'd like him to join, Vince had already sent him at least fifty texts asking how his weekend was coming along, Leo too, even Jonah had sent him a quick "are you alive?"

He didn't feel like interacting with people though. During the games he didn't have a choice and during the class days he did his best to keep an upbeat attitude, but the truth was that his heart was in little tiny pieces and he wasn't sleeping well - the clean kitchen being the direct result of his lack of sleep.

The bedroom was an issue on itself, after nearly four whole years where they shared a bed pretty much every night, safe a few weeks a year, it was awful to have all the space to himself. Not only it was awful, he didn't want it.

He didn't want the big bed to himself, he didn't want the clean kitchen without Bella's horrible cooking sticking to pans, he didn't want the bathroom sink without makeup stains, he certainly didn't want to not have his girlfriend.