#p.rose.

Hyemin thinks she can’t be any happier. That is always the thought lingering in her mind whenever they go on trips together. Uninterrupted quality time just for the both of them, away from the hustle and bustle of real life, an escape from reality. This getaway was no exception. They had spent the day doing whatever their hearts desired; sightseeing, watching a movie and before the long awaited birthday party, an amazing Italian dinner with scrumptious food plus great wine.

It is during dinner time that she noticed something was amiss. Her boyfriend seemed to be in his head even though he was trying his best to be present. The constant glances at his phone were hard to miss. In the middle of the meal, she reaches a hand out to grab his in an attempt to capture his attention, “Are you okay, baby?” When he explained it was due to nerves for the upcoming party, she accepted the reason with no further questions asked. This group of friends must be precious to him, she thinks to herself. His nerves are contagious. She can’t help but worry about the party as well.

Her worries are unfounded because in fact, there is no party at all, according to Jisoo. As soon as he announces that, her brows furrow, her facial features taken over by complete confusion. “What? What do you mean…” There are so many questions running in her head but when he brought her into their newly decorated hotel room, they are all answered. Her once confused expression turns into utter surprise. Eyes widening, mouth agape, she takes in the sight of the balloons, the gifts, the bouquet, the candles and rose petals sitting on the bed and lastly, the man kneeling before her. And while the view outside the large window behind him is picturesque, Hyemin can only see the love of her life and the shiny diamond ring he is holding. Her heart skips a beat upon hearing him pop the question.

Despite having spent the whole night in each other’s arms, Hyemin has not gotten her fill just yet, and it seems as though she never will, which explains her clinginess this morning. She is done getting all dolled up. However, she is not done showering her beau with affection. Eyes glancing at her phone screen to check the time, they have about 20 minutes left before the taxi arrives. That should be enough for her next mission. 

“Let me sit on your lap again for a last round of cuddles before we have to leave. Please?” Her voice goes up an octave, both hands clasped together as she pleads, not forgetting to include her signature pout and puppy eyes. The aegyo attack is effective. Little does she need to do to convince him and Hyemin finds herself settled on his lap soon after. Their conversation transition seamlessly into their plans for the day but her hands are busy. She reaches for her eyeliner pen first and then tugs on his sleeve to reveal his right forearm. The smooth skin there turns into her mini canvas while they continue to speak. Somewhat similar to the tattoo on her own wrist, she draws two circular clocks with the hands at the 2 o’ clock and 9 o’ clock positions. She blows on the doodle after completing it until the ink dries, ensuring it is completely dry by running her thumb across said ‘tattoo’. “It won’t ruin your sleeve, don’t worry. The ink stays put unless you rub it with makeup remover.” 

8 pm was an hour away. Hyemin kept herself occupied in the hotel room. She had to. The large suitcase sitting at the corner was opened as she prepared an outfit for tomorrow. Hands delicately picked up random pieces, held up against her body, in front of a mirror. Several rounds of this until she settled on a pastel pink long sleeved tee and dark coloured shorts. Casual, since tomorrow’s plans only revolved around food and shopping with some girlfriends. She tried focusing her thoughts solely on that. The outing. The girls. The food. The shopping list. However, it did nothing to quell the bubbling in her tummy. 

Moving on to something else. Hyemin surveyed the large room. Eyes scanning for potential places where she could sit down and record herself dolling up. It was already dark outside so she could not tell how much natural sunlight the room would receive in the day. Although that was not a big concern since she brought along extra lighting, just in case. She always did. It was a habit to pack it into her suitcase. Whenever she travelled out, the makeup artist made it a point to record at least one video for her channel. Usually, something for her globetrotter series where she showcased her trips to a foreign country. These videos had a standard 'Get Ready With Me’ segment in which the makeup look she wore often during the trip would be demonstrated, step-by-step, all products and utensils included. Lighting was always important. Without it, the colours used would not show up well. That would also mean a hard time during editing. The products chosen were important as well. It had to be a good mix of both road shop brands and high end ones. The variety made it easier for her viewers to emulate the featured look. 

Mulling over the video managed to distract her for a while but time was flying by fast. She did not even realise it until there was a knock. Upon hearing the sound, Hyemin straightened her back immediately. The nerves came rushing back. More intense this time. The rate of her heartbeat increased too. A physiological response that she had expected.  Throwing a quick glance at the mirror, hair and clothes were fixed. A final check as she took a deep breath in an attempt to compose herself before approaching the door. 

The door opened slightly. A head peeked out through the small gap. Purple strands brushed against her cheek as she did so and for a split second, she froze. Hyemin may have viewed a lot of his videos, watched his dramas, seen many of his photos prior to the vacation but none of that could prepare her for this moment. For the first time in a long while, Hyemin's mind went blank. Not knowing what to do. Not knowing what to say. The corners of her pink tinted lips eventually lifted though, wide enough, displaying the set of straight pearly whites hiding behind them. A silent greeting to replace the absence of words. 

The room was dimly lit. Lamps were off. Moonlight streamed in from the uncovered windows nearby. However, the main source of light came from the flat screen television. Despite the semi-darkness, the two bodies on the bed (and a pair of furry creatures at one corner) were visible. A random drama was playing on television. Although, none of them were watching. Volume turned down low, the television only served to provide soft background noise and lighting, not entertainment.

Hyemin paid no attention to the images flashing on the screen. She was distracted by a particular blue rose. Head rested on his chest, her index finger delicately traced the outline of the flower drawn onto his skin. Snuggled up against his side, feeling safe and warm, her finger mindlessly following the trail of ink.

Their conversation had died down. They have been silent for a full minute now. Just enough for her mind to wander off, thoughts circling around the previous night. Hearing from his ex-girlfriend was shocking but meeting her in person was an unexpected turn of events. Still caught in her dilemma of whether she should spill the beans or otherwise, it was a weird position to be in, being stuck in the middle. But Hyemin was committed to living outside her head. On top of that, they had agreed to be open with each other. Keeping the thoughts inside was a safer option but would contradict both statements. She had to let them out. She must.

Her index finger eventually slowed down to a stop. Looking up, she paused for a brief moment, blinking, once, twice, pondering about how she should go about doing this.

“I just want to be free from this heartache.”

Neck of an opened wine bottle in the right hand. Tissues in the other. Flushed cheeks signalling the lack of sobriety. Whoever is on the other side of the screen is forced to be the audience of her speech. “I didn’t even want to like him,” she begins, voice already cracking, the female is visibly crumbling under the weight of her emotions. Her words are slurred. It takes forever to form a coherent sentence while alternating between sobbing, blowing her nose and chugging. Booze allows her guard to be down and for the flood gates to open. Trusting the person on the other line with her vulnerability. 

This is not going to be a brief video call.

She speaks of various things - happier times, laughter, uncertainty, finding someone familiar, daydreams, hopes crushed by another woman (twice), longing, avoidance, pain and a broken heart. Everything jumbled up in a mess. Whether they could comprehend what she is saying or otherwise is not the main concern. She rambles on.

“And what, sacrifice my inner peace for something non-existent?” She scoffs, hugging the half empty bottle to her chest. Lips pursed, back hunched, eyes swollen. Not a pretty sight, her appearance being the last thing on her mind right at that moment. Seemingly forlorn and defeated, unlike her usual cheerful and playful self.

“It hurts. I hate this. Having feelings sucks.”

The statements come off as cynical and bitter, but Hyemin is simply exhausted. Heartbreak after heartbreak. A constant vicious cycle. Her cardiac muscles have not turned to stone yet but walls are going to be in place from now on for it is too precious to be tampered with.

"I’m never crying over a boy ever again. I’m better off single,” she affirms, left fist clenching momentarily before tossing the crumpled tissues away in the general direction of a nearby bin. 

Target missed.