#overboard.

The faster I get over this trivial yet monumental stag in my mood, the happier I’ll be. Dunno why it bothers me, but call it something I’m used to — old, lingering feelings from my own past haunt my head.

Oh man I don’t get anons often! If at all but — I was gonna delete because of personal issues welling up and, I still feel like it. But what stops me is laziness and probably menial sentiments, or old mutual / friendships I may lose, but above all the crap that kinda pushed me to not want be around is still lingering, but it’s something I’m working through.

Y’know, today got me thinkin’. While I was at the gym, my thoughts were scattered because I’m lifting, really it’s how I focus which is weird, you’d think I’d clear my head to get anywhere when I lift heavy. Example would be, I think about my doggos, friends, family, cheering me on while I lift some heavy ass weight and I think I only PR on anything is by working myself up with emotion, which drove me to lift so heavy. After some time those thoughts started to ebb away, knowing some family and friends wouldn’t ever be there to cheer me on, only a close few, and the ones I thought would be there aren’t in my life anymore, even my doggos. Hell I went back to the gym because my dog got over 50lbs and began pulling ME on the leash.

But when I say ‘not in my life anymore’ I mean that lightly, because the one I wanted to see cheer me on was my big brother. He forced me when I was young to lift, well, forced sounds malicious but it wasn’t, but I enjoyed it once I jumped in weight. I loved it, and I used to think, “man his arms are big, he’s curling those 45 dumbbells like it’s nothing and here I am barely lifting 20s!” Well, I am curling 50lbs! I am squatting 335! Deadlifting 395-405! And today, after some serious shoulder injuries and impingement, I got myself back to lifting 135 on bench press.

And knowing he ain’t here makes me kind sad, but who’s been a big help is my older sister, she’s pushed me from all angles. I just wish I had jumped back into this sooner, but I was stubborn, hard headed, even depressed. I’m glad she’s here with me to help me when I need it, to guide me through weight loss and muscle gain. I hope I make her proud one day.

Another person that’s been a huge help has been my girlfriend. The Pom of my life, the kupo nut of my eye, she’s been a big help in calming me from all areas of my flaws. My anger, my selfishness, my hatred toward people, she lets them come out when they need to, and soothes them back to sleep with her unconditional love and support. She’s the main one I want to impress with this muscle gain and weight loss, I want to see the day I can toss her on my shoulder or carry her when she needs it. I probably could now but I want it to be perfect. I used to impress her with my video game skills, but she’s seen it all now, but I hope I’ve made her proud, too. Video games, or the road to a healthier life.

We won’t be stuck forever, baby. I promise.

One thing that always pushes me to lift and make a PR happen is thinking about my dogs, how losing them made me see more of myself, tell me I’m not ready for kids but it makes me happy to know I loved them unconditionally, and I never resented them for taking up any time of my life. I was afraid of that, for I can be a selfish person. So one day I’ll be ready for a little shibe, but until that day I’ll be sure I’m in great shape and great health.

As I got off track here, the point is that I think I may delete my tumblr. That through all my fight, my struggles, this place has not once helped me relieve any of it. The only reason I haven’t left yet is because of the somewhat role play I’m not even paying attention to, and probably finding pretty pictures. Probably, mainly, because of my kupo.

It’s one of those summer thoughts of wanting to be off the grid, to be hard to find, and it’ll go away. But the urge to just delete my blog is stronk.