#over-giving

All your life,

you wrote invisible love letters

to the souls you care for.

​You sealed each one

with love,

with tears,

with the soft press of your tongue

against the fold.

​Did anyone ever dare to read them?

Or did they leave them unopened,

letting them yellow slowly

like old treasure maps in the drawer?

The years passed,

waiting for someone to unfold what you never said out loud.

I’m an over-giver.

I care too much about people and what consequences their actions will have; Like if it's going to create the butterfly effect. But, for some reason, I can't bring myself up to ask or feel guilty if they give me something.

I know some people have been taking advantage of it for quite a while now, but as long they don’t hurt me, or they are straight-up assholes around everyone, is okay for me.

But I guess what this world is coming to.

Three weeks ago, I decided to come out to my friends with a letter, One of them started using my chosen name immediately. Another one (my closest friend) accepted me, but some days later we never talked again, and the rest of them didn`t even read it.

Although it could have been better, I think it was just a decent start. But right after it, my dysphoria started to hit a little bit harder.

I’m aware that those feelings are common in general after coming out, I did a lot of research back in the day and still do. But I never thought that they were going to be hard to deal with. Some people call it ‘Post-coming out depression’-but I want to call it like that.

I refuse to associate with that word again.

I felt like a big mass of tomato smoothie mixed with anxiety, and insecurities were all over my body; I couldn't do anything to get rid of it, or to talk about it.

Or is there?

I knew I lost my closest friend. So there was no other choice to message my other friend, and from there we had an hour-long conversation talking about our problems. I thought to myself to try to shift the conversation-We haven`t seen for ages, so I wanted to keep in touch- But then I realized, they were caring for me.

It's weird to think about it, I always wanted the best for the others, but not for me, Just not to seem like a narcissist.

I guess that's a flaw I still need to work.

Good thing I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow, and I´m planning to tell her about it.

This still feels like a casino, you need luck despite a lot of things are against your odds, and probably you`re going to lose some a lot of things in the prosses. But you know if you keep at it, someday you will eventually get the jackpot.

This time, It's only a matter of time more than luck.

Why Adoptees Love China Tea Cups

I could just hear Bob saying, “You didn’t have to do that, Sherrie.”

Such a familiar phrase.

He said it when:

I accompanied a fellow adoptee up the steps of the Indiana Capitol building when I was just 10 days out of knee replacement surgery.

I invited neighbors in for wine and cheese on the day I got home from my second knee replacement.

You, see, I love to give, give, give.

I give because I…