#outofmysystem

Lyrics to Out Of My System on new merch - 04/09

It might have been 5 years. But it’s like riding a bike....

It's been in the back of my mind these past few days that my writing technique and overall creativity has somewhat, decreased. To whom is reading this, whether it be a friend, family, someone who has stumbled upon this and is still reading, or my future self. A warning. For i will not use proper punctuation, spelling or grammar. This may by the end or perhaps a few sentences in will make no sense, what so ever. I'm merely getting out everything i'm thinking that is cluttering my thoughts. This is probably the cause of my writing issues. Even now as i type in my bedroom at 11:54 6/26/14 i have trouble staying on topic because i have so very much to say. To beginning lets address my current weight problem, i find myself to be unfit to my standards im not excessively over weight but i feel gross and could use the loss of 20-30 lbs. Not a big deal to most people but because of my heart condition, every time it merely flutters (Which is common) I feel as though I'm going to die. No exaggeration this is the real shit. It's terrifying. What that has to do with my weight is granted loosely connected but it's in my mind and idunnowhattodoaboutitahh. Noted anxiety is a total bitch, although i have it very mildly it still is a pain. (note to future self: I hope you have addressed this and begun not have anxiety). But heres the problem blog post, how do i express these thoughts of worry and death and sadness without sounding like a desperate, whinny, cliche 'that girl'. You dont. Which is why i turned to writing. Which brings us full circle. I write to help anxiety i begin to doubt myself thus having anxiety that i cant release! Wow such hard problems i know, i know. As petty as they are they are truer than true. 

Next issue, boys & girls. Not condescendingly, literally. (I hope future self has figured boys out a bit more. Please tell me you have.) I like a boy who doesn't like me back classic story been told a million times. But he leads me on and it nada cool. (You liked this boy a lot, really you did or maybe you still do i dont know. He was the biggest ass id ever met in the world but i dont regret meeting him for the world.) SIDE NOTE It feels necessary to say some context support for your fondness of this dweb. (The time he kissed you, and fought you, who wanted to sneak out to apologize but you both fell asleep, who then did apologize at 5 am in his pj's, who told you he'd try his hardest to stay by your side and be your best friend, who would walk with you up and down your street because your mom made you stay close by just looking at the stars, who talked to you for hours about nothing, who layed with you under the stars in your neighbors yard to look at the night clouds and made up some stupid story about the shapes we saw, you saw the same things, who has the same sense of humor you do, who always picked my cards in cards against humanity, who blew smoke down your neck to mess with me during a movie , who stayed up to 4 am texting you sharing drawings back and fourth, who told you to believe in your self, who always has advice even when i feel whiny asking for it, who can calm you down on bad nights, who always seems to text when you need it most, who keeps you in check, who hugs you back when you practically jump on him mid apologie, who gave in to your silly pinky promises, who gives me the funniest looks when i say something snarky, whos smile makes you smile, who always has a story you always want to hear, who let you help with his tree necklace and let me put it on him, who gave me a towel when me and your best friend got a flat tire in the pouring rain, who you love so dearly.) The unfortunate ending to this story is none of that matters to him and he doesnt love you back. But you continue to love him for reason you cant explain. It sounds ridiculous because i'm 15 if another 15 year old told me they loved someone i'd never ever believe it. Simply because i was brought up to believe you can't love someone until youre old enough to know. But that's exactly it. I love him for reasons i cant explain. I just know. Still skeptical? I would be too, but let it be known that list wasnt meant to go on that long, it just kept coming to me so i spilled it out. To be completely truthful i could keep going. I'll probably go back and add in more for my own enjoyment. So yes i've loved and lost but it's okay i'll love again and again and again. Alex however received the honor of being the first. Bitter sweet. Teenage romance. We do the darndest things.

This concludes my first babble blog thing and i feel better. 

To whom read this, i promise i'm not a total basket case. I just become jumbled in every day life like the next person. I want to live my life and make as many peoples lives happier and better that I possibly can (Future self I can only hope you still has / are / have accomplished this) In order to fufill this i have to be sorted out myself 

Keep reading, keep seeking, keep writing, keep smiling. 

With as much luck i could bestow upon you, 

So long. xx -Chelsea