#ourdivineashes

jack has trust issues. jack, for a while, didn’t trust himself. how could he? he’d run his body into the ground and turned his back on himself. and it was complicated, not really about that. he was lost and he was alone and he’s an addict. there are so many nasty things that live inside him that he has to grapple with. things that will probably be with him for his entire life.

he regrets a lot of things. he’s done so much damage to so many people in his life. done so many things he can’t take back. 

recently, his list of capital r Regrets isn’t too bad. it’s not often that he does things that unravel everything. that list is mostly limited to when he was seventeen and didn’t understand how fragile everything was. is. telling his mom that he hated her when he was fourteen is on that list, too. and. well.

and how he treated bittle. 

that first semester eats at jack’s brain and he hates himself and every single word that came out of his mouth. and still, bittle trusts him. gives him the benefit of the doubt. there was a while there where it was tough going--jack knows that. knows that bittle wasn’t fond of him and wanted to quit and resented jack more than he could probably say out loud. 

but he still voted for jack to take the captaincy again. still saw something in jack worth admiring. worth trust.

jack wants to earn that. wants to earn the way bittle smiles up at him. he wants to deserve hearing the way bittle snorts when he laughs just a little too hard. he wants to deserve bittle giving all of himself to everyone. bittle’s not a doormat, but he could be--could be taken advantage of if no one was looking out for him. he’s the best person jack’s ever met, probably, and jack wants to be the kind of person who deserves that.