#ouchlovesdaisuke

You know, you hadn’t taken the chance to notice how Daisuke had grown, changed in some ways with the faded blond hair dye on the ends of his hair–When did he start curling his hair? When did he dye it blond? What made him start wearing concealer around his eyes? There’re these subtleties you may have not noticed before, were they always there and you were always just that neglectful of him? Disappointed in yourself as a friend you wave to him, and when his eyes finally hit you, it almost drops like a dead body. There’s a way his eyes fall, it almost guts you in a way where he perfectly places his hands on the most sensitive parts. It’s the way he knows you inside out, he doesn’t even need to say anything to you, the look in his chestnut eyes that held everything back in them to not burst into tears. “Alright, Daisuke, that’s enough getting familiar with the crew.” Jimmy speaks, it’s a man you remembered having straight brown hair slicked into a midpart, brown eyes, and stubble. The scraggle under his chin made you cringe, praying that if he got closer there wouldn’t be something ghastly awaiting you. All of you wore the Pony Express jumpsuit, except Swansea and Daisuke who just wore the shirt and jeans with Daisuke adding on a top, you’re not surprised since Daisuke would add anything to the uniform to make sure he was authentic even in the little ways like a feather earring or multicolored rubber band bracelets. 

You began to play with the one under the sleeve of your jumpsuit, your fingers turning into pluck at your wrist was the one Daisuke had made for you back in elementary school, it had his and your favorite color alternating every two loops. 

“Oh! My! God!” You let out the most obnoxious gasp, it causes him to giggle, and you smirk to yourself knowing all the right buttons to push, there’s a big grin on his face as he slips it on your wrist, and you look down at it to see his wrist falling next to yours to reveal the same bracelet. “Do you like love it?” You snicker at his phrasing, “Dude, I like love it, man.” You mock him, he brings his shoulder to yours to shove it, and the two of you share a smile with glazed over eyes.

How do you even face him? Ways to talk to him, but your biggest fear is talking to him specifically. Everybody boarding this ship seems fine, or at least as good as any other crew could be to be honest with you, since you know it is like your first time. You're looking at a little longer than you should. Like Curly? I mean, you think he's good looking? It's the same blond that Daisuke wanted to do at one point, he was charismatic like how Daisuke was when you first met him, and his hand shake his firm but you long for the wiggle in his wrist Daisuke had.

Holy shit, what do you even do in this situation?

What do you even say to him? “Hey, I'm sorry for leaving you after all this time.” “My bad for abandoning you.” “I'm scared shitless at my mom.” Can you even use your mom as an excuse anymore? Is she even really that scary in the first place or were you just pussying out? All the time where you’ve defended him and all the times he's defended you–Why was you even arguing for him if you just ended up leaving him in the end? 

Soon you were met with the Co-captain again. You want to lie to yourself about your situation, that being on a ship is cool and being trained to fly it sounds even more amazing but Good God, you could not stand to be around Jimmy for longer than you needed to. 

Honestly, you were very much distraught to find out that you were being stuck with Jimmy. “Since as Captain I'll be a bit busier, I won't be able to be as active as I'd like to be in training. Jimmy’s been a good hand, he's strong willed, eager, and is a good companion to have on the ship.”

You have to shadow him?

In some place in your heart, you know that he hates it just as much as you do. Just meeting him for the first time made him just look at you like lesser, was it because you added your own accessories to your uniform or the fact you put effort into your appearance? Handshake from Jimmy killed something in you because of how he did it, why was his hand so clammy? Why couldn’t he smell better? How come anytime that you talk to him you feel this disgusting older mess inside you like you're the one fucking up all the time? You hope and pray that this isn't all the time you'll spend on the Tuplar.

Upon loading all necessary items, you all make your accession, there's not really a lot to do on the Tuplar, unfortunately there's never anything to do here besides put all your stuff into your room and pray for the best. “Let's go.” Jimmy says your name like a sergeant, it's clear he treats you as a boot licker and now here you were running your tongue against the heel, “Yes, sir.”

Your first thing when it comes to the Tuplar is how the hell a ship can even run this long, you remember the information your mother gave you about how this is the last human ran delivery service, you think back on it and hate it even more as you remember you're really just stuck with these people for around a year or two. 

You needed to make the best of it.

Whoever would be writing your recommendation letter Whether that Curly, or even Jimmy. You make sure that you did your absolute best. Now the biggest problem with being around Jimmy all the time is being around Jimmy all the time. You tried to find good things about him. For instance, he told you on the first day, “You're very diligent, I'm grateful for it.” It was nice to hear it, you began to look forward to it throughout the day like the people pleaser you were, spineless against Jimmy like you were to your mother.

There was also the fact that he would teach you stuff, he always made sure to be open with you and never bullshit you on what you wanted to know. There was a clear inferiority complex though. Anytime the two of you bumped into Curly there was a clear pedestal that Jimmy put him on, it was exhausting to hear him talk about how Curly got him this job and how grateful he was and how much good Curly did on this ship.

It got even more awkward one day, though. It was most likely around the later time this week that you were working alongside Jimmy and Curly happened to show up. Now in your defense, you really didn't know the two like that, Curley decided to make a joke about Jimmy, basically along the lines of how Jimmy might be a 'Negative Nancy' and it was all in good fun.

Unbeknownst to you, Curly would definitely be talking to you about Jimmy was in the first place. Jimmy was definitely a character and honestly, it was very hard to even find the time to be around him, even though you were forced to be around him a majority of the time. Nonetheless, Jimmy was definitely not supposed to hear what Curly and you had discussed because you were giving your most honest opinion about Jimmy given the week you two had spent together.

“He’s just always weird, to me, all the time.” Curly raised a brow, “Weird as in?”  “At first, I felt special? Like all he was doing is just making me think that there was a chance to be better.” Then you let out a groan, you think back on what he says, and you continue on with your discussion, “It was this sick cycle, he’d compliment me, then he’d backhand me with a little thing, 

‘You could’ve been better.’ ‘You could’ve not missed it.’ ‘Do you even know how to maneuver?’ ‘I guess you’re not as diligent as I thought.’”  You sit there and look at Curly, and Curly look back at you with sympathy. “Well, why the fuck am I even trying then?” Curly flinches at your language but does nothing to halt your rant, especially when his eyes flicker above you then back to yours, he’s grateful you don’t notice.

“What the fuck am I gaining? If all it amounts to him just pulling the rug beneath my feet to see if I’ll float for him. It's ridiculous. I'm trying so much to please him and make sure I'm doing all right and that I meet his standards so I can do good in college, and I'm sitting here being bent over backwards and turned inside out for this absolute buffoon.” There’s another groan that earns his way out of you, “And his tone, it's so condescending. He never ever tries to think about anything that somebody else is doing. It's always about him, him, him, him. As if I have nothing else to do with my life. What if I want to go play games with Anya and Daisuke?”

Curly’s eyes aren’t even on you anymore, he’s looking to your left, and in return you follow his eyes. Guess that maybe it's just the way it's supposed to be? You don't say anything though You're terrified of even trying to go against either or so you sit there, and you stay silent. I mean what could you even say in the first place, “Jimmy…” You’re distraught that Curly didn’t tell you sooner, you don’t blame him, and Curly doesn’t correct you on it.

“So, do you have a problem with me? If you really have a problem with me while I’m on this ship, why work under me? Why do this? If you absolutely have nothing else to offer besides complaining the whole time, all you do is complain, complain, complain about what? About how I teach you? Mainly, it's because of how unattached you are to this. You never care for anything; you never sit there and think twice. You always sit there and think you're a know it all and think you know everything from A-Z. Unfortunately, you don't and I'm so sorry that you're hurt, that I know more than you and that you feel hurt or put on and I'm oh so sorry that you feel that way.”

The way Jimmy talked to you really pissed you off. Honestly, you were about 5 seconds away from beating his arse. Nonetheless though, you held back all that rage that you had pent up and thought about what you should do. He was apologizing for your feelings as if you are feeling the way you felt was absolutely the wrong way to feel and that you are not allowed to feel emotions in the first place about what he does as if his. As his actions don't have consequences. You want to say something and as much as you really want to fight against him.

You sit there, you take a breath in, and you apologize. 

“I’m sorry, Jimmy. I should've communicated better. You're actually a really good co-captain, Jimmy.” There's a look in his eyes that tells you majorly messed up he looks back to you with this glaring expression but a crooked little grin on his face that tells you differently, he'll turn his body to you slowly and you look to him with a wobbly smile, your foundation being nothing but the fear you have in his face.

“It doesn't really matter what you think, does it? At the end of the day, I'm co-captain and Curly is captain, not the other way around. Don't need you feeling bad for me especially when I know you'd rather be with Curly.” You're lost for words, what do you even say after something like this? You can try and be nice and tell him that's not true but what are you even gaining from that at this point?

No Curly is just awkwardly standing there, unable to really do or say anything he tells the booth of you. “Maybe you guys should work it out amongst yourselves, you guys are mature and like-minded adults.” That was his cue to leave. You're distraught by this, but not surprised, unfortunately, given that he didn't even tell you about Jimmy being next to you. You wonder how long Jimmy was actually there next to you before Curly was going to say anything, if he was going to say anything at all...

After Curly makes his way out of the hallway, you were left alone with Jimmy, and you try to start up the conversation. “Well,-” The way Jimmy barks out a laugh causing him to spit on your face made you wince at the scene, “Well, Well what? Well, you suck at your job? Well, flattery will get you nowhere. Well, what do you even plan on doing after this excursion? Well, what do you even study in college? Well, do you even think you'll return for the next time? Well? Well?” With each phrase he got closer, and closer, and closer.

“Here and play around on this ship as if we're all doing these little dumb reindeer games to come and sit here and bullshitting around. I didn't know you were like Daisuke, and you have a little family going home to support you while you go through college, and I definitely didn’t know you wanted to hang out with the nurse who barely qualified for the position. I didn't know that you were so spoiled in lavish that you thought you could sit here and play around. You didn't want to learn anything, you just thought this was going to be a fun little hang out time. But this is real shit. We're doing real things.” 

It didn't help that he had just eased you into one of the closets, it's small with shelves lined with miscellaneous items. It was cramp, you're cornered by this absolute unit that was most definitely trying to intimidate you. You don't even know what to do at this point. You look in his eyes and even while you're trying to hold your ground you feel like your knees are going to buckle in. 

You stare at Jimmy, and he doesn't even see you, you're just another person who needs to know his place on the ship. Below Curly but above you. It was never explicitly said, and you don't know if you could ever really get it out of him, but you knew that this was just him making sure he knew you knew. You kept staring though and even as his face got closer and closer you couldn't even fathom how you would even get out of this.

“Well, what?” You see yourself in his reflection and there's nothing more humiliating than knowing how weak you look in front of somebody. It's almost petrifying how much you're realizing that you're stuck here, and you will be stuck here for as long as he wants you to be. 

“Well?” You sigh, “I’m sorry, Jimmy, I was just speaking my mind.” He doesn't even look at you, his eyes flicker up and they flicker back down at you with no type of change to emotion. “I didn't decide to have a person work alongside me and be around me this whole time just for them to speak their feelings I don't want you to speak your feelings I don't need you to speak your feelings I don't want to hear you speak your feelings You're here for one thing and one thing only follow my orders and if you can't do that then I don't even know why you even bother to show up.” 

“You didn't even decide to have me as your intern…” 

You shouldn't have said that and in those seconds you didn't even realize it you were being snatched up, it was quick both of his hands already pinning you both by the sides of your shoulders you weren't surprised that he was able to just immediately grab your forearms and yank you over to him with his face even more knotted up in anger than before. “I'm sorry, I didn't hear you, follower. What did you say?” Your breath hitches at the feel of coarse hands squishing your flesh without a care, “I said,” You think, you think some more, and you come to your conclusion.

“I said, you didn't even decide to have me as your intern, you only have me shadowing you because you're not as important as Curly.” The way his grip tightened was something you expected, and you prayed that the bruises on your arms wouldn't be too bad as you felt yourself being run through a compressor, that was until someone knocked on the door. Jimmy whips his head around to see who it is, “Who is it?” 

“Oh!” No, fucking, way. “Hey, Jiiiiimmy, right? I heard F/N’s voice in there and I was gonna ask if I could come in and get some stuff cause Swansea sent me…” Your eyes widen and you almost cry out in relief, “Daisuke? Yeah, I'm in here!” The look shot back at you almost gave you whiplash, quickly putting your head down in embarrassment as you were met with Jimmy's angered expression in your face. “We're coming out right now.”

There's an awkwardness in the air more than there was before but for a different reason. Upon getting out the closet you're met with Daisuke, You weren't the first to leave in fact as Jimmy was already standing there with his harm's crossed looking at Daisuke dismissively, there is a glare in his eyes that Daisuke had read as Jimmy being upset about being interrupted and you being embarrassed about being caught. Embarrassment was correct. You were absolutely floored by the fact that Daisuke had found you with Jimmy alone in a closet. It almost killed you to see the expression on his face upon leaving the enclosed area.

“Soooooooo, what were you guys doin’ in there?” Only Daisuke would ask such a question, and you admired him for such boldness and confidence you'd never lost it in those years, and he even glowed more with him being met with such a sight, you don't think he cares, and you do think maybe he thinks you moved on. It kills you to look at him, there's no obvious hurt in his face but Daisuke has always been someone that's displayed effortless suave. 

Jimmy was quick to speak, “Nothin’ you need to worry about, Daisuke, just getting to know my intern a little better.” There's a cheeriness to his expression It's obvious of what he's doing, and you can't even say anything without not wanting to be put into that situation once more. You argue with yourself again, You could defend yourself and tell Daisuke that Jimmy was being a total asshole to you, and you needed help and you were so glad that he was able to help you or you could do what you were best at and that was going along with it.

“Yeah,”

Just like you always did. 

“Ohhhhhhh, I see.” Daisuke lets out a warm laugh, too warm of a laugh, even as he's almost joking about it in a way that seemed like him and Jimmy were close, “Anywhosies, I'm going to take this stuff to Swansea. I'll see you guys around! Have fun getting to know each other!” You wish that your innards were churned into chum then regurgitated onto Jimmy. You turn to look at Jimmy, you think about what Daisuke thought about finding you two in the closet, once Daisuke was finally out of view, you promptly vomited onto Jimmy.

Those liquid would for sure stain his uniform and the chunks made a disgusting plan into the floor after you then clutched your stomach. You groaned, unfortunately for Jimmy, he took you to the nurse station. 

You slowly pull yourself from under the blankets, your naked top now feels the sun beat onto your chest, you try to recollect last night and think about what your next actions should be. There’s familiarity in the room, the old scratched up records pinned to a wall with an acoustic guitar that was never played properly, work out bean bags, and a small round table with scratched up games' controllers on it. There’s a box of pizza, one slice left—

“You can have it, just heat it up in the morning.”

You don’t take it, no matter how much you feel the vibration in your stomach, you suck it up and began to collect your clothes scattered around the area. You see the familiar Sonic CD rug in the center of the room just before the bed, there you find your underwear, you see your shirt on top of the lava lamp next to his bed, and you find your bottoms next to your school bag.

Your shoes are downstairs, his parents always had slippers to offer at the door whenever you and/or his other friends would come over. It was the only thing they were really strict on when it came to him. You look inside your bag, nothing but schoolbooks and the binder you used for all your note taking, you throw it out the window and into one of the bushes in front of his house.

You look for your phone, on the dresser with some old DVDs of movies that his mother still had, none of them were really interesting except for this one you really enjoyed. ‘Your Name Engraved Herein’, it always made him cry, you had to comfort him after the movie but no matter how many times you tried to tell him that it’s okay, he just continued to bawl into your shoulder about how amazing this movie was.

Maybe it was because you didn’t pay attention to the movie, more focused on his expression as he experienced the movie, he’d tell you little tid bits and explained it to you afterwards when you told him you didn’t really understand. There was always commentary with him when it came to movies, you loved every second of his little movie watching sessions, friends would throw popcorn and hush him, but you eagerly leaned in to hear him whisper small facts about the movies he’d have you all watch.

Even when he finished explaining the movie you didn’t get it, but he told you: “I cried every time I’ve watched this movie without fail, ever since I was like in middle school, my mom would watch this movie, and it would be me and her crying our eyes out over it.”

You grabbed your phone, around the 20% mark it was mainly just texts from your mother about spending the night at his again, she would tell you that you were messing up the future she was perfectly crafting for you and that you needed to learn more discipline before college started. It was always grades, attendance, and extracurriculars with her.

You only did the bare minimum, average grades, average attendance, and chess club.

Your mother hated it.

“He's bringing you down! His parents don't even care about what he's up to! You think I'm gonna let you mess everything I have going for you for some low life boy who can't even follow something as simple as wearing a uniform to school?”

You defended him, like you always did, why wouldn't you? He was there for you when you were down, always there for you, like he was there for you this weekend. You kept scrolling through messages; besides your mother, it was only him who would text you daily.

You had people you studied with, your mother’s friends’ kids, and the family you were already distant with. You had to get home. You slid all your clothes on before you peeped your head through the door, the sound of the shower running and music coming from the speaker he took in the shower with him blaring through the empty house.

His father worked on weekends and his mother went grocery shopping Sunday, “Was it Sunday?” You thought out loud, you couldn’t think about the time you were last back at your house, you made your way down the stairs and towards the door when you found your shoes.

You slip them on and then make your way out; after closing the door you pick up the rock from the little pond, they had next his porch, you lock the door and place the key back where it belongs. You go through the bushes, searching for your bag and a huff out of frustration when you dust the dirt off of it.

There's another huff as you sling the bag over your shoulder and then silence, there's sounds of nature from his neighborhood and now her you were just walking down the street, hoping on the next bus and another back towards the apartment your mother and you shared.

As you unlock the door your mother sits on the couch, she's watching her programs with the same 4 speakers on the different channels she's gone through in the past

“At his place again?” And the way she can't even say his name, it melts off her tongue like a slur and you can't help but bite back a response before she gets up. “Well, how was it? His family feed you?” You shook your head, “No, ma'am. His parents weren't home.”

Why would you say that?

You see the anger in her face, “Oh?” The woman makes her way over to you, there's no hesitation in your stature as it's a routine check. The way she pulls down the collar of your shirt leaves your breath to hitch, you try to snatch her wrist only for her long and jagged nails to scratch at the skin of your palm leaving you to hiss in pain.

There's no surprise with the number of dark marks that were collected by the boy, it was his first time as much as it was yours. You feel the warmness in your cheeks before your mother's eyes burn into you, her stare boiling you alive as you do nothing but just stare at the ground.

“Look at me when I talk to you,” Your name is a bark of a command, called out like a show dog to those she wants to impress then kicked at like a mutt the rest of the time. You pull your head up, you don't want anymore imprints in your cheeks, your acne already fucking up your face as is.

“What did you two do?” You roll your eyes, mumbling ‘Nothing.’ before she snatches up your jaw, those nails now cut up the pimples on your face to leave the pus to pop out You want to whine, cry like a child, ‘Mommy! Stop! You're hurting me!’ You, unfortunately, allow this with your eyes creasing and a small frown rugging on your lips that seems don't only make her madder.

“Your breath reeks of weed and alcohol. I can't believe you'd go and mess around with that boy, after everything I told you!” The woman lets out a pained sigh, as if her coming to spit in your face and yell at you was somehow your puppeteering her to do so. “What if he got you pregnant? How could you do something so dumb! It doesn't even surprise me, he probably talked you into it–Knowing his little delinquent self and his little gang he's probably riddled with some type of disease.”

You want to tell her off, he would never do something like that, all his friends are different from him, they're all a bunch of party goers that just want to do narcotics and fuck each other silly.

“He's not like that.” You strained out of your pursed lips, your mother's tongue smacks against the roof of her mouth, “The boy is nothing but spoiled. His parents just give, give, give, give, and give to some little freeloader who's going to do nothing for his life besides leaching off his parents' money.” You can't hear this anymore.

“He's actually trying to get a job!” Your mother cackles, “Oh yeah? He's getting a job?” “Yes!” “Well, why doesn't he already have one like you do? You got your own job at the library when you were 14, you were obedient then, before you met that little…” There's a seething rage in the woman, she's sucking at her teeth, and she'll be grinding them into a fine powder if she continues.

You bite your tongue, he had definitely had an impact on you, like he always has. You wanted to try and dye your hair one day with him, layer your outfits, be outside of the uniform, wear make up, dress up on those days where you were allowed casual dress, and take your time with life in general.

Those nights he'd stare at stars on the roof with you, he'd point up and explain how sometimes he felt so small in this world. “This is really the one way I can try and be in impact on such a big world!” He gestures to his brightly colored outfit; you find yourself lost in his expression as it's just a nice mix of brightly colored acrylics that melded with his tanned skin.

You admire him.

Even as spit hits your face you're left with the same rant over and over again, “I work hard at my job so you have all the tools not to end up like me, slaving away for some ungrateful brat of a child, instead never having kids and being happy you don't have to waste your money on some freeloader until it's too late.”

Your mother took responsibility to raise you, even after your father was distant to the idea, it be some apparent that these two were working in separate directions that only pulled you apart.

Honestly, if it wasn't for him, you'd be on the ground with a full bottle of pills being guzzled down your throat.

Your mother notices your expression and she huff, “Stop being around, hanging around him, being around him, he'll do nothing but drag you down and he won't be doing you any good in the future other than a book up for narcotics.” The woman gets all in your face, “You wanna end up like me? I only stopped doing all those things once I found out I was pregnant with you! Do you really want to end up like me?”

Strikes a nerve.

You never wanted to be like your mother, her sad life with a child who could only resent their mother, her boyfriend who abandoned her to go do more drugs, and no one to fall on. It's sad, you feel for her, you see where she's coming from you, and you sigh upon seeing her fall to her knees to grab at yours.

The woman sobs into your thighs, wincing at the familiar grip from the night before most definitely bruising them from such harsh treatment, “Pl-ease!” The squeak in her voice as she says your name, she is begging and all you can do is try to comfort a woman who has never taught you how to comfort someone. You rub her head, and she sighs, sniffling a bit before she continues, “I don't want you to end up like me! Don't love someone who's only going to bring you down! I know you can do better!”

Your mother wouldn't tell you it now, but you were now stuck with this. Your mother always knew if you were around him, she worked there as the librarian. You were called to stay later helping your mother, doing more on campus, and a demand for straight as after a C in an AP course came up.

It wasn't surprising since the both of you took the same class.

You couldn't let your mother win but here you were, letting her win, and you could do nothing as you found her beginning to bring the hammer down. “I can't let ever you make a mistake that big again.” You were tested for everything; she kept track of your periods and was around you whenever you had free time.

“You've been summoned to the library,” The dreaded phone call before you left class, it killed something in you when you and he could barely talk most days. You guys didn't really share class, even when he went out his way to take APs it became apparent to him how much harder it was for him to really keep up with you.

Those daily ‘Good morning!’ messages fell into weekly ‘Have a good week!” texts. Not because of him, but because of you. You couldn't even keep up with everything, once your mother pinpointed the college you needed to get into or she'd kick you out, simply if you applied yourself the way your mother wanted.

But it meant you'd have to leave him behind…

D-S ▼⁠・⁠ᴥ⁠・⁠▼

Hey! I know last night was a lot. I'm sorry if I messed up, I know I wasn't going to be the best but I’m sure you'll have other people do it way better than me!

1:30 PM 9/05

Good morning! Good morning! Good morning!

9:45 AM 9/06

When do you get off work today?

4:30 PM 9/06

I'm getting pizza, do you want me to get you a box???

2:49 PM 9/14

Y'know one for now, one for when you're depressed! I finally got the reference!

2:58 PM 9/14

Are you okay?

3:24 AM 9/30

Did I do something wrong?

3:25 AM 9/30

I'm sorry if I did anything wrong

3:29 AM 9/30

I mean that, I'm really sorry

3:33 AM 9/30

Can we talk?

3:34 AM 9/30

We haven't like sleep called in forever, and it would give us time to talk stuff out, whatever I did wrong you can tell me.

3:45 AM 9/30

Please?

3:48 AM 9/30

I didn't know you and Ange became friends I always thought you both hated each other.

12:39 PM 10/19

I didn't do our matching costumes it felt like a disservice if it wasn't with you.

4:29 PM 10/30

Dude, family's being weird, wish you were here!

7:38 PM 11/28

Happy Holidays, I got you something! Do you know when I can come over and give it to you?

11:29 AM 12/25

Hey, I'm having this new year party! Y'know like new year new me! I plan on trying out for stuff like sports and getting on my academics!

9:28 AM 12/31

I'm tryna get like you!

9:40 AM 12/31

My parents asked about you today, they were like ‘When are you coming over?’ and ‘What are you up to these days?’

10:02PM 1/17

Happy Valentine's Day, I know you got a lot of stuff cause you're just cool like that

10:38AM 2/14

Even I got you something!

10:38 AM 2/14

Lmk when I can give it to you!

10:38 AM 2/14

I'm sorry for being annoying this year, I really am sorry for anything I did to you. Have a good time in college!

11:00 AM 6/30

You began to avoid him, he'd go to the library to rent out a book and watch as you restock, he'd text you and you'd have the read receipt there just to think about responding to him only to put the phone down, you walk around campus without a care, cordial whenever faced with head on confrontation, and that's how it was until you graduated.

You went off, pursued your own interest in space your mother said it was your choice to study nut it needed to make enough money for you and her. Now you were just as excited to get on and do things outside of your mother now that you were finally free from the woman. You decided to take all your classes online, you'd had this internship lined up for you and nothing could bring you more joy than joining the manpower in space.

There's a big smile on your face as you meet your comrades, Curly, your pilot and Jimmy, the Co-Pilot, you'd be shadowing the two for tour duration of their trip on the Pony Express. Anya, the nurse, who would be the only woman on the ship, you loved to be around her and her little jokes. Then there was Swansea, he wouldn’t stop complaining about having some intern, “They better pull their weight.” The man grumbled out.

You weren’t shocked to find out you guys were waiting on another guy, the two of you added last minute on behalf of the Pony Express, finally a guy popped through the door, explaining that he was at a party the night before celebrating Earth before he had to leave. Your eyes crease as you examine the man’s features, ‘No fucking way.’

That lovingly sun kissed complexion that had the contrast of his brighter highlights against his already chestnut colored hair. There, on his face, stood the markers for where you kissed on him that night, a mole under his right eye and the left mole lower down his round cheeks.

The fact that he couldn't even wear the uniform alone almost made you fall before him, he hadn't changed in ways you thought he would, and it tore at your heartstrings to realize how much you missed him. The familiar sound of the two bangles on his wrist that contrasted the red wrist band he wore that you also had from the first party he took you to.

There's a plethora of excuses that rush out of his mouth, and you just listen to now his voice only be one softer to your ears. Earning its way into your eardrums to nestle in your memory in order to haunt you for the rest of your stay.

While the group continues to get everything on the ship there's a silence that falls between the two of you when his eyes finally land on you. Your friend was a day you could never forget, the morning after your happiest night alive, you'd coo into his ear that you loved him, and he'd do the same with a chaste kiss on your forehead.

Yet, here you were, reliving those memories and wondering how the fuck do you even start the conversation. You watch as he makes his way over, your rib cage encased around your organs before crushing them like a corset.

With each step your breath hitches, your eyes faltering between looking him in the eyes only for your nostrils to fill with disgustingly sweet peach cologne he had to have. Why wear something like that for all these years? You're grateful he would even wear something like this to this day.

There's a hand on front of you, wide open with some rings on his fingers, his fingers spread a bit and when you take one last inhale of his cologne you pull your head up to look him in the eyes. There's a warmness in his face, it hasn't worn down and has only brightened since you last saw him, you feel your heart clench as you hear his voice.

“Heya! I'm Daisuke, I’m psyched to be working with someone as new as me!”

You can't stand the fact that you could've fucked up everything, the fact that you two were finally on good terms, you'd look for each other whenever Jimmy wasn't on your case about this, that, and the third. 

Nonetheless, you proceeded with going back to work, unfortunately. 

You feel the leather boot of your new boss seep into your tummy; it's almost like he prepared his foot to strike in your ribs, and you pray that he'd get the balls to crack them. You think that's the worst part about Jimmy, that he's so terrified that the consequences of his actions won't even be honest enough to put you down to your face.

You're positive Jimmy founded passive aggressiveness, backhanded comments, and microaggressions. You wouldn't be surprised if those were the only skills he had perfected. Regardless, that didn't stop you from getting up whenever his foot found its place above your belly button, and then the gruffness of Jimmy's voice awakened you once more for your ‘job’.

Jimmy doesn't greet you anymore, he just waits for you to pick yourself off the floor and drag you around the ship, if you had music this wouldn't be but a drizzle but because you'd have to raw dog the experience of being around some pig that did nothing but complain about the people around him, including yourself, while praising their abilities backhandedly, including yourself—Did you already say that?

This ship is doing numbers to your mind.

You don't know if you want to be saved or for the oxygen to just suddenly give out in your sleep. 

Wondering if you'd awaken from choking to death, your head knocked against Jimmy's back. You wince from the harsh wall. Jimmy doesn't even look back or ask if you're okay; he just enters the room and looks around, mumbles some stuff to himself, then you're both out again. Is it crazy to say that it pisses you off that the silent treatment is actually doing something? You wonder what it's about. Maybe it's because of what happened, but he still wants your presence, someone to watch him do the work, so he can use you as if it were some live audit.

That's so sad. 

You wonder if he's ever had friends as you both make your way through the long halls of the ship; it almost feels like a maze sometimes, and you're amazed by the fact that you would never truly get to see all this. “No. I understand completely. If that's how it has to be—” Your ears perked up, the sight of Anya in the foam infested room almost made your heart explode, there were only a few moments you got to interact with Anya, you didn't blame her for not hanging out in the medical area, the sounds Curly makes leaves you up at night from time to time. You're too scared to wake up anyone to give him medication, so it's up to you. 

Shaking off the goosebumps of those terrifying nights, you find yourself whisked unknowingly over to Tuplar's nurse, “Hm? Oh, it's you two.” You nod as your shoulder finds Anya’s, your face is warm, and the pit of your stomach burns, feeling the disassociated coldness be steamed off you. “Hello there,” Anya says softly. She says it only to you, not knowing if she's signaling Jimmy out on purpose, and you just find your wide eyes creasing with a smile. Anya then redirects her attention, “Jimmy! Not able to sleep, huh?” 

The man notices the closeness, he makes his way closer over to the three of you, and suddenly the mood dims as you feel existence become more suffocating from what was a nice moment. "It’s 'night time'. Why are you talking this late?" Jimmy's head then falls closer to Anya's, "...Anya. Are you crying?" Anya is quick to turn to the side, "No, don’t worry. I’m okay." The man only sighed in disappointment, leaving Anya to put her head down in shame whilst Swansea looked over him. 

"We all need to keep it together.” Swansea blows a raspberry as he rolls his eyes,  "Oh, I’m keepin’ it together. Don’t you worry, Captain." You both notice the way he just glides over the two of you; he has no real care for Jimmy and his little second-in-command sheep. You also put your head down in embarrassment. Jimmy folds his arms and doesn't take his eyes off the woman, "He’s making noises again. Did you give him his meds before, Anya?" She picks her head up, "Ah, no. Must’ve slipped my mind."

There's a quickness to her voice, "I’m sorry, I’ll-" Jimmy then lets out another sigh, "I’ll do it." "No, really, I’m perfectly okay." "I said I’ll do it." The silence consumes the air before Anya speaks up, 

"I wonder if they’ve even noticed we’re missing, back at headquarters. It’d take a rescue ship so long to get here…" You nod somberly, "Might be another freighter they could divert to try and find us. It's not… inconceivable." Jimmy adds, before Anya hums, "I suppose you’re right." 

You find your eyes wandering once more, soon on the axe in Swansea’s arm, “Nice ax, where'd you get it?” “Your mother's house.” There's a shocked look on both your and Anya's faces before Swansea smirks, “Gotcha.” It doesn't take long before you realize it was most likely a Daisuke joke. You stifle your laughter before Jimmy cuts through the flowers, "You getting a lot of use out of that right now?" It's the first time Jimmy's directed his attention towards him since he got in this room. You were all aware of Jimmy just eyeing down Anya like prey; it was overwhelming, and you prayed the two of you would just leave so she could just be happy once more.

"Force of habit. Don’t overthink it."Swansea grunts, before Jimmy heads out of the room, you wave a goodbye to Anya, who eagerly returns yours. Upon entering the medical area, there's a silence that falls between the two of you, noting the fact that there's only so much medicine you guys could be giving to Curly. Your face falls a bit, and Jimmy is the first to notice, “We won't be able to keep him quiet forever.” You only nod, you hear the way his tongue pops against the roof of his mouth, “He did it to himself, honestly.” 

The tone is not unfamiliar to you, watching as your captain makes his way to the table and hands you the medication,  "Come on. Stop with the noise." Jimmy groans as Curly’s whimpers and cries go unanswered. You wonder if he can even cry in this state or if the salt in his tears is burning his flesh. You wrap your fingers around the bottle before you make your way over to the table where Curly lies. You and Jimmy are side by side, hovering over him, "I know what everyone is thinking.” Jimmy states. Your eyes stay glued to Curly as he continues, "The way they look at me. What could I even say? And then…What would she do?" You stay quiet, you know if you say something it'll be like those times in the closet or in the control room, now that you'd grown sick to the mouthwash, you couldn't imagine returning to cutting yourself as a coping mechanism, it's times like this you brought a bong and a pound of weed on this trip.

"Dammit!”

Unfortunately, you're stuck with this out-of-control man, who just slammed his fists on the table. You flinched at the sound, and Curly's eye finds yours; his labored breaths that flow with his groans and whimpers sound like a symphony of torture. You're sure Jimmy is thrilled at the thought that Curly is getting what he deserves for crashing the ship. "Here we are now. Me in the driver’s seat. Thanks for that." Jimmy spat at the man, You don't know how to feel as he then slapped his hand against your upper back, “I saw you feed him the other night, like he was some baby bird unable to do a thing, but I need you to do better if you wanna keep this position.” 

You mumbled to yourself, “What if I don't wanna keep this position?” You feel Jimmy's course and heavy hand find itself on your shoulder, you feel the heat leave it, and then the sudden force as he slams down the dead weight of it onto you. You try not to let out a peep; nonetheless, the ache that came in your collarbone almost made you yelp in pain. “Nonsense, we're in a better position than everyone on here. I mean, the drunk, the hoarder, and the incompetent?” You don't know who's who, you wonder if you're one of them, “We could be like them, falling into despair and falling over like children, but instead, we're taking charge to make sure everyone's alright.”

‘Stay silent. Just nod.’ You turn your head, you shake like a Chihuahua, and pray you get out of your misery upon being met by the darkened face that was Jimmy. “Listen, you just need to be better than they are. You already are. You and me, we're a team, I got us the better position. You should be happier now that you're dependent on that mouthwash, that means you're better than Swansea and Daisuke, and better than Anya.” You don't feel the warmth in comparison; your mother had practically steamrolled it out of you like you were a bottle of toothpaste. “We're not in a better position, you are.” You spoke, “Oh please, as if you don't do everything here with a purpose, I make the way and you come on it, I'm doing this to make it easier on us, and if you think my job is so easy, you can do it your goddamn self.” 

You want to show some type of confusion, a tilt of the head, or genuinely questioning him, but it was imperative that you just did what he told you when you watched that look of pure pride fall into disappointment. 

So, you nodded. 

You opened up the pills, but before you're able to do anything, Jimmy drags his hand down your shoulder and to the small of your back, “The problem with why you're not appreciating this position is because you're not doing what you need to do, and what you need to act more like you're in charge.” Your feet stutter as you feel the harsh push forward to the table, “You don't understand the things captains have to do that make them the way they are, and that's okay, you've been babied, cared for, this little Tuplar ship is just another one, your actions on what is a long list of extracurriculars.”

You're met by another shove forward, your shoes squeak against the floor, “You don't understand genuine hard work, and if we're going to survive this experience, then you need to learn how to do the hard things.” You're met by another shove, and you're now sure you can see the pieces of skin Curly once had and the way the flesh had melted; you feel your heart fall into your stomach. “But maybe, instead of trying to beat it into you, maybe, you just need a little motivation.” Soon enough, you felt the table now morph into your stomach. Even when feeding Curly the pills, you weren't even entirely looking at him, your eyes closed as you felt the way his throat closed around your fingers to swallow the pills. You were now forced to bear witness to the captain you once had in his state of pure torture. 

“You look at him like he's not going to hurt you, like Swansea, Daisuke, and Anya. You're looking at them like they won't do anything to you, but you need to understand that anything can happen, and what Curly chose to do in that time was try and kill us all.” You flinched at the sound of it, your attempted murderer just praying for someone to end the feeling of their flesh aflame and the way their body was bound to this table with no hopes in real, genuine medical help outside of painkillers. 

Was the punishment enough for what he had tried to do to you, to all of you? To end these lives that existed outside of him and only met because of the job, a lot of you don't even want to do? The heart pounds into your chest, you wonder if they can hear your labored breaths, but as Jimmy stares you down, so does Curly. You look into that blue orbs,wondering why he would do this to all of you, destined the whole crew to a date worse than death? 

 “Hurry up and feed him.”

Your hands shake as you find the pills, your wrist bounces viciously as you try to fight off the child-proof cap. There are so many thoughts that flood your mind, how you could end up on a ship with some abusive control freak and a killer. You're floored that this was your destiny, and distraught that you couldn't drink your feelings away after this, only watching as the eyes that yearned for the pain killers couldn't give you the time of day. 

"...Open up." Gulping as you finally pop the cap off, you then find the pills in the palm of your hand. You watch as his eye leaves the bottle once you put it down on the table, and the way his eye finds you once more causes you to question what the fuck you're even doing here in the first place.

You lived in their world with a million possibilities that allowed you to explore and become a better person in the future. You don't know if you'd been able to truly grow in this world; no one would question why a rose that bloomed from the concrete had tattered leaves, but you only hoped that the rose didn't have to grow at all. 

As much as the dreams of love and success consumed your hopes, it was as fickle as the idea of actually completing college on your own reasoning; honestly, you didn't even really want to do anything besides drop dead after you gave your mother your degree. 

Yet, here you were. 

Dreams were now taking that axe from Swansea and slamming it straight into Jimmy's and Curly's bodies until they were nothing more than minced meat. Taking SSRIs was great when you had to continue living compulsively for your dream to ultimately kill yourself, but with nothing left in this world, why would you force yourself to conform even in your final days?

"I hope these make you feel fucking better.”

You couldn't sleep after that, your hands can still feel his throat closing up on you in desperation and you shiver at the thought before you're met by the sight of Daisuke lying out before the cargo room with another bottle of mouthwash, you felt the dip into what Jimmy had spoken to you once more as you met the drunk. "Uuurgghh…" "How many have you had?" Jimmy questions, only met by another groan before Jimmy scoffs and crosses his arms, "Those will kill you before-" "Yeah, yeah, before anything else. I know." It takes Daisuke a moment to push himself up; he's not even able to really as he rolls himself over with his left arm covering his eyes and the bottle of mouthwash glued to his right. 

"My mom found this internship for me. Such a slacker, she said. I don’t know. I just never knew what I wanted to be. I was never good at anything. Total screw up." Your heart winces at his defeat. “We’re not done yet, Daisuke." Jimmy is quick to console him, "I just hope she doesn’t blame herself." Daisuke then puts the mouthwash on the two of you, "Please… just take it. I don’t want to look at this stuff anymore." You're the one who reaches out for it, the young man can feel the difference from Jimmy's rough hand to yours, you feel his hand shake a bit, “I…I wanna be alone, if that's okay.” You both say nothing, and as he brings them down, you're sure you can hear him begin to sob.

There's a softness in your heart that's rotting, you feel it as Daisuke does nothing but add onto the weight in your already heavy heart, your thoughts are to drop to your knees to comfort him, but you don't even know if he knew you were there, you had a sympathetic look on your face as the two of you made your way back up stairs to the main area where a little tune blared from the radio and there an old man out his all in busting the right move. 

You wondered if that's how he had his kids, if it really took a guy dancing to convince you that he's all you wanted in life, though Daisuke had two left feet, he didn't know how to dance, but he was always too pretty to have to care about dancing. 

All anybody wanted to do was listen to him talk.

"Jimbo! ¡El Capitano! The man with the plan!" Swansea then gasped loudly before going back into his jig, “And his little second in command can't believe you gave up the party life to go be a follower! Missing out on the good stuff—Listen, listen, listen! This is the best part! Aa-waaay-oooo!” Jimmy had a disappointed scowl on his face, “You're a mess, Swansea.” The older man brushed him off, “It'll be all the sad motherfuckers of the Tuplar in the sky with diamonds! Captain Jimmy pullin’ the plug on the party before the last call, right kid? Lemme guess, he was talking about how we need to be more ready for the end!” Swansea then stopped for a moment, “Where'd that kid run off to?! He's gotta work on his stamina! Party's over here!” 

The laughter that left the pit of his stomach was the only genuine happiness you had seen in a while; you don't know if it's only the mouthwash, and if he had already ingested so much that he didn't even acknowledge that this was it. You found your eyes on Anya, who was on the table investigating a bottle of mouthwash. It hurt you a lot to see her consider such a notion. You hoped she would rise above this nonsense of alcohol consumption, but you couldn't blame her in the state we were all in.

You decided to make your way up the stairs and join her. Before you could even say anything, Jimmy was quick to push past you to sit down next to her. You rubbed your shoulder with a glare and wondered if you could convince Swansea to let you hold the axe for a little bit. 

The two began to talk, and you took this as a sign to be quiet. Your hopes in dissociation were shattered, however, as you and Jimmy are sent back to Swansea to collect the axe to get some medicine from a foam-infested area.

“You done?” Jimmy crackled, “I need that." Swansea erupted in laughter, "This old thing? This was entrusted to me by our previous, tragically inclined leader. Big res-ponsi-bility. But you know all about that, huh?" It slips out faster than you can catch it, as your lips purse together and a raspberry finds itself stopping your laughter. 

Unfortunately, Jimmy's hand finds your shoulder once more, and you don't know if this is the one with the bruises or not, but at this rate, he's going to damage your shoulder blades. Swansea continued to dance, swaying his hips and swinging his arms to turn away from Jimmy. You quickly find your face going slack as El Capitano and The Hoarder begin to go back to talking, "I’m going to try and get some more painkillers. Do something useful, you know?" Swansea found himself turned right back around, his body straight as he looked past Jimmy, “Oh-o, I heard all about it. You’re looking to pull the plug on this party early." 

"I’m trying to save us." Jimmy refuted, Swansea only chortled, "Take matters into your own hands, eh?" The man then adjusted his grip on the axe, "Be. My. Guest!" It only took a moment before Swansea slammed the head of the axe into the glass screen that displayed the beauty that was Earth. You don't know if you genuinely miss the planet, but you'd rather be anywhere than here. As Jimmy went for the axe, it's good he went for it instead of you, since who knew what you'd do with it.

You wonder if Jimmy knew, if they all knew there was something wrong with you, that's why you were going all quiet and not doing anything anymore but staying by Jimmy's side. Maybe they're waiting for you to crack like everyone else is, or maybe you've already cracked and this was your moment to go back to your room, swallow your year's supply of SSRIs, drink three bottles of mouthwash, and try to enjoy the unfortunately catchy music on the radio. 

The journey was a breeze, of course it was, collect the emergency medicine from the red box covered in foam, you're surprised Jimmy did it with no real back talk–Well, that was until Anya came to check in on the two of you. 

"Oh, wow, Jim! You did it!" Anya cheered, "Yeah. It actually wasn’t that hard once I figured it out." "Amazing, really!" "Sure." Oh no, flattery wasn't working. Anya then cleared her throat

"Um. I hate to ask you again…but…Could you give Curly his painkillers? It still just… just makes me so nauseous." A little silence falls between the three of you before Jimmy exasperates, "You’re not serious." Another phase confirms which caused Jimmy to pinch the bridge of his nose before huffing out a sigh,"Look. I’ve entertained your sentimentality up until now. But I’m trying to actually fix things, Anya! I’m getting us through this!"

You were quick to situate yourself between the two of them, “I mean, can you blame her? That shit is horrific to do, I can still feel his—” Jimmy scoffs, “It’s 'Find the code scanner!' Then 'Figure out the door code!’, ‘Get the axe!', ‘'Chop up the foam, but not too much!’ And best of all, ‘'Give Curly his fucking medicine!' But I’m bearing it. I have to. Because the captain has to take fucking responsibility on this goddamn ship!" You flinched at this before scoffing as well, “No one asked you to take on the position,” “So?” “So, don't expect us to sit here and suck your dick for making such a dumb decision you don't even wanna fucking do.” 

Why the hell was he going so hard on Anya for the pills? Anyone else can do it like him, or Swansea, or even Daisuke! He keeps talking about everyone having to do their job and do this and that, but he won't even get on the mechanic to be a mechanic, the intern to be an intern, but he can sit here and chew out a nurse for something she cannot control? “I mean, everyone's choosing to get drunk, and you're not saying anything to the mechanic that's supposed to be helping with the ship or Daisuke to do anything, just because Anya isn't doing anything doesn't mean we're any less closer to being found!” 

You don't remember when your thoughts turned to words, but it's far too late before Jimmy dismissed Anya, "Go make sure Daisuke doesn’t choke on his own vomit.” Anya looks at you as you speak up for her. She's happy that someone finally said something, and if she were in better shape, she wouldn't join you in triumph, but she no longer has that strength. You notice in the way she defeatedly tries to stop the two of you,  "N-no, no I can-" Jimmy just dismisses her, his eyes not leaving your form, "I’ll take care of it, Anya. I always do." With that, you're right behind Jimmy as he heads back to the med-bay. 

The two of you were back to standing above Curly, you and he closer now that you had become forcibly used to seeing the up close ,gory sight of your past captain. You're both silent for a moment before Jimmy speaks, "...I don’t think I understood the pressure you were under before. Fuck. And you tried to tell me." Jimmy gripped the life out of the pills in his hand, and you watched as the veins began to pulse violently around the bottle. 

"Our worst moments don’t make us monsters, huh?" 

You thought for a moment about what Jimmy had said and if it was true until you looked down at Curly once more. "You were a good captain, Curly. And you’ll be one again. I’ll get us both through this." You thought more for a moment, and then some, before you made an offer. “I should feed him.” Jimmy looked to you for a moment, “And why is that?” You're silent for a moment, and then you continue, “You're right about earlier, how people burden you with things and how it's wrong that we have to be the ones who do everything for everyone while they all just wallow in their own self-pity. It's embarrassing. You were…right to tell Anya that.” 

It hurt you more to say such a thing; nonetheless, you had to continue. “You should go get a rest, Captain. You deserve it more than anyone after all, everyone's put you through.” You watch as Jimmy tilts his head in confusion. Anyone would be a fool to pass up having someone who could practically do everything he was doing for a good break, had allowed him to be fully immersed in it all. You put your hand out for the pills, and Jimmy places them into your palm steadily before he dismisses himself.

You turn back to Curly. Once the door is closed, you look to him with an uncaring gaze, the one you had sported when talking to Jimmy had only been for survival, but as you looked down at your captain, you had no care for what he saw in you. 

"Our worst moments don’t make us monsters, huh?” You repeat it, a soft giggle leaving you as you make your way closer to the table, trying not to skip over to it, “We are what we have always been, humans, mammals, animals—The only difference between us and the ones in the forest is that our brains are more self-conscious of ourselves.” You leaned the top part of your body over the table and hung the painkillers in Curly's face, you watched as the blue hope ran towards the bottle like a hungry fish, and you could only tilt your head in awe at the sight. 

“You most likely thought long and hard about doing this, after we'd be all fired after our first mission, how'd you do it, how'd you make it seem like an accident, and how you could fuck us over like this corporate elites had.” You watched how he didn't even direct his attention to you, his eyes stayed glued to those painkillers as if God was hanging them down to him personally, “I don't know if this your worst moment, so I don't know if it defined you as a murderer, but I can tell you that you crashing this ship has done irreparable damage to the people on here.”

You brought the painkillers back to you, his eyes followed, and as he met with this sickening smile on his face, he wondered what could've been going out outside this room. You take your time as you pop open the cap and one of the pills finds your palm, you roll it around your thumb, you wonder if you should just take the whole bottle right in front of him, go back to the red box, and take the rest of them so he can sit there and write for the rest of his life. 

Nonetheless, you did your job. 

Like every good captain has done. 

Discovering heavy-handedness when feeding your former captain, the little whimpers become louder as they snowball into full-bown cries of anguish, and the groans in pain become more aggravated by your movements. You watch as his body convulses and tries to pull itself up, you only continue, one pill at a time, for the necessary dosage. You wanted to fear choking him at this moment, that maybe if you guys are all saved, he is als,o and he tells everyone about all this mistreatment he faced after trying to kill his entire crew. The more you thought about it, the more you found yourself not even caring about wiping the mixture of spit and blood off your hand. 

Silence can't fill this room, as Curly's sobs began to become louder and louder, you listened for the sound of footsteps or the door opening until your work was done. You stayed for a few moments, just hearing him cry out more, wondering if this was your worst moment until you thought of comparing yourself to him… “Eugh.” You gagged at the thought, you ripped your hand out from his throat, covered in his saliva, you only huff as you go to find some hand sanitizer and head to bed yourself, a little smile finding itself when you announced you would be feeding Curly from now on.

You're now just loudly yelling until you're finally interrupted by your captain. “[F/N]! Please!” You continue the dance, spinning back around and continuing the choreography to the best of your abilities. You giggle, snicker, and find yourself with just a big grin on your face as you look over to the captain. The big smile on your face never fades, even by the scowl you're met with when you finally turn around to face your Captain. “I'm sorry, Capitano!” You jokingly roll your eyes, beginning to spin around again, before Jimmy slams his hands on the floor. 

Your shoulders jump, you know he would hit you if he were closer, and you try to hide that fear by stomping on the floor, “I can fucking hit shit too!” Jimmy just scoffs at your obviously insolent behavior. He couldn’t believe that such a kiss ass like yourself would fold under the pressure like Daisuke and Swansea, he thought you were BETTER, I guess? But, like, who is Jimmy to act like he’s better than all of us? ‘Cause he assumed a position for something no one asked him to and now he believes he can use that power to fucking hurt us like what a loser ant bully–” Oh my god, did you see that movie?” Jimmy’s scowl doesn’t hide the anger he has, but now the confused frustration takes over his features as a loud ‘Huh’ escapes him. “Y’know, Ant Bully, the kid he like bullies ants, gets shrunk, and then he learns to stop being a little asshole?” 

A silence falls between the two of you before Jimmy returns to the task at hand. You wonder if he just drags you around, making you watch him do work so you can be ready to take on the position, if you guys even make it off this ship.  “I don't even know why I'm talking to you, you're just…” Jimmy grumbles, you wondered why he even let those words slip past his crusted-over lips, knowing you’re a very emotive drunk. “Pfffft…I don’t even know why you’re still trying when we’re all gonna die on this ship.” Jimmy turns to you and he's conflicted on how in the world you can say something like that, “What?” You scoff back at him, “You heard me!”

Jimmy's shoulders relax, maybe you've gotten through to him, but you wonder if he's actually hearing you. A smile finds its way back on your face as you twirl the tips of your shoes in a little circle with your hands finding themselves behind your backside. 

“I mean, why are you even still sober? It's obvious we might not even be found, I mean, it's been like months, no? Like, if they were gonna come, they would've come already, and so it's like why would I give a fuck about our situation?” Your thoughts are genuine, phrases and words racing around your mind, finally finding their way off your minty tongue and into his ears, and unfortunately, as always, your new appointed Captain had a rebuttal.

“I mean, you could think about how I'm being responsible about this–” You blow a raspberry, blasted by the idea that he could even believe he was being the ‘responsible’. You watch that scowl find its home back on Jimmy’s old mug once more. “Yeah, responsible, Mr. Big man in charge who just takes his little anger out on anyone whenever he gets the chance. What a big, responsible boy!” 

You continue to mock him, your hands flying around all over the place as you go on and on about his faults once more, you know this monologue as well as he knows it since it's been the only thing you could do sober up to put him down, however, you only did it when no one was around though, you remembered the first time you tried to undermine his authority in front of others and you couldn't beat to end up back in the closet. 

Jimmy looked at you with this glazed over look, he couldn't care for a word you're saying, and from the smell of your breath and the ragged movements, he could tell you had yourself at least two or more bottles. The man lets out a huff before he dismisses you, “There's no need for you here, Co-Captian.” You gasp loudly, your hands find themselves slammed onto your cheeks, “You wanted me to be around you all the time, and now you can't stand me, and now it’s like what the fuck am I supposed to do, Captain Jimmy?” 

Jimmy's hand is quicker than your mouth; before you're able to roll out another insult, you're quick to feel the whack against your head and another firm dismal of your presence.

“Go give Curly his fucking medicine.”

You were grateful that the amount of mouthwash you had consumed had allowed the dulling of the pain, and upon finding another, would allow you to feed Curly with ease. Anya wasn't there in the medical area when you began to feed Curly, she was probably hiding out from Jimmy's gaze, seeming as if it was around this time he would go feed her. You don't blame her; being around Jimmy was like being on the subway after dark. 

After doing your task, you find yourself a nice, quiet spot to drink another bottle of mouthwash. Unfortunately, your familiar spot is met by the smell of a familiar cologne and the sound of finger rings clashing together, which results in a hurried gulp. You giggle, and they come to a sudden stop. You make your way completely into the area, the door closing behind you, before you're met by the sight of at least 10 full bottles of mouthwash and the boy you've been trying to avoid this whole trip. 

You groan as you feel the mouthwash in your tummy spin like a washing machine– “Were you ever into Mitski?” “Uh, yeah! I saw her on tour, actually, backstage passes and everything!” You roll your eyes at him, “Stop trying to flex on me.” “Am not!” “Are too!” “Am not!” You missed dumbing down, no more intricate and thorough thoughts of killing yourself, the sense of impending doom, fear of messing up everything you've worked on, your mother, Jimmy, or even your future after this ship. 

All that was on your mind was the idea of another drink entering your system.

You turned to Daisuke, “We haven't done the test in a while…” “Test?” “Y'know, the intake thingy we took like every month–” Daisuke gasps, “Oh my god, we haven't done that in forever!” The young man then turned to you, “That's probably why, like, we're all like this right now…” “What do you mean?” There's a knowing silence that falls between you and Daisuke, “We could do one right now.” You raised a brow, “Huh?” “Yeah!” Daisuke eagerly turns to you, “I'm Nurse Daisuke. Tell me about your experience on the Tuplar!”

You giggle, playing around this goofy little voice as he adjusted his posture with one leg over the other, and you lay down on the floor, similar to a psychiatrist appointment. “Well, Nurse Daisuke, my experience has been…”

Oh, God.

The idea that you'd have to think back on everything that's led you to hear just continues to consume you. You look at Daisuke, your face falling as you think back on everything, “It's been…a lot to say the least…” “Mhm…” Daisuke hums as he fixes his posture and re-crosses his legs, “Please, don’t speak about this to Jimmy-He’s just always such a bitch to deal with, y'know?” You lament, “At first, I felt special? Like all he was doing was just making me think that there was a chance for me to be better than I was now, and I cared for his approval and all that jazz?” 

You pause for a moment, rolling off your back and onto your tummy with your legs in the air like a whimsical little lad. 

“Y’like jazz?” 

Daisuke's eyes lock with yours for a moment before he begins to ‘tsk’,  “Deviation from the questionnaire is against company protocol.” You tilt your head, “When the fuck did you learn the word ‘Deviation’?” Daisuke’s face softens, a noticeable frown appears on the young man, your smile doesn't fall, though, instead your eyes squint as you try to think about why his face had fallen so fast after such an amazing joke. 

A silence falls between the two of you once more before Daisuke then questions, “So, what's going on between the two of you?” Your eyes widen, “I’m sorry?” Daisuke then looks down at the opening between his criss-crossed legs, “Weren't you guys like hooking up or something?” There's clear jealousy in the boy’s tone, but you're too stunned to realize it, “FUCK NO!” This startled Daisuke before he looked away, “I mean, are you sure, because remember when you guys were both in the storage clos–” “No! He was just reprimanding me behind closed doors like some weirdo freak!” 

You then sigh, “It was this sick cycle, he’d compliment me, then he’d backhand me with a little thing, ‘You could’ve been better.’ ‘You could’ve not missed it.’ ‘Why can't you be like Anya?’ ‘Everyone on this ship is against you.’ Blah! Blah! Blah! Well, why the fuck am I even trying then? What the fuck am I gaining? If all it amounts to is him just pulling the rug beneath my feet to see if I’ll float for him.” You then let your head fall onto the cold floor, with your arms extended forward, “What’s even the point of trying anymore?” 

Daisuke puts his hand on your back, you feel all warm and tingly from just one touch, that familiar smell eases itself into your nostrils as the young man gives you a large, toothy smile. 

“Trying your best!” 

You both looked at one another before you both began laughing. It was in the pit of your belly where the lining of your stomach got hot. This feeling allows you to roll onto your side, and Daisuke joins you on the floor before you both roll onto your backs. 

“You remember how we first met?” You ask, Daisuke thinks for a moment before he sighs, “I don't know, since I got ghosted, I just kinda forgot everything…Maybe, you could, I don't know, jog my memory?” You hear the hostility in his voice; it's sudden from the giggle sesh you both just shared, nonetheless, you understand. 

Stupid question. 

Stupid you. 

The embarrassment ignited your cheeks. You didn't know if you wanted to talk about what you guys were at this point. Maybe the mouthwash was making it easier for you to question things and really think back on what once was, but there was clear disdain in Daisuke's voice that was different from what it was before. 

You couldn't just gloss over what you did, Daisuke would never let you do something like that, he'd endure a lot for you–Give up his own heart for you if you need to continue with what he perceived as your brilliant life–But he knew that he couldn't allow you to do this to him again.

“I remember when I was like, deep into Mitski, I told you, ‘If I give up on being pretty, I wouldn’t know how to be alive.’ That’s when you told me, ‘Good thing you’re always pretty!’” Daisuke feels this nostalgia in the pit of his stomach, though this isn't the shared warmth of the blush of your stomach’s inner lining; instead, it's the disgust of his childish mind to believe you'd genuinely want to think fondly about the relationship between you and him. 

All those thoughts only give him a bad taste in his mouth, like the smell of boiled spinach; he feels the burning of vomit in his throat as he thinks back to those words you once said to him and the idea of what you shared with him.  “You were just fucked up on shit from the party, but my god, hearing you tell me that made me feel better. Every time I thought about you saying that to me, I felt nothing but amazed by how someone can stay so positive when everyone seems so drained with me.” 

You roll off your back and onto your side to face Daisuke, “I’ve always felt like a pit, like when my mom found out I cut myself, she talked about everything good she’s done for me and how she had more of a reason to be sad than me, and if she really did have more of a reason to be sad than me and she felt better than I did then what was I doing? Was I just being the fuck up? A pit? No matter how good things are, my first time finally having consensual sex, having someone stay and hold me, to not want to leave, to want to be around me even after it all, was I always just a pit where nothing would ever fill me, and I'd be constantly searching for the next person?”

Daisuke doesn't look back; he doesn't even budge. 

As bright as it is for you to cut yourself open and show him your guts, he can't turn to face it, to address it, he only continues to look forward.  “I abandoned you, though, for some reason I just ghosted you. I'm sorry for that, genuinely.” Daisuke's ears perked up. “You feel bad about what you did?” You nod eagerly, as if he could see you, “I left you because I didn’t want you to be consumed by me and all the shit I have going on. I never had someone so into me? You’re so…magnificent, not even just with the mouthwash, you’re always this stunning art piece that no one can ever harness…” 

Daisuke’s head turns to you, and a question shoots out of your mouth, “Did you really care when I left?” The young man holds his glare towards you; he's only doing it so he doesn't break down in front of you and allow you to believe you've gotten him again. Though the words find themselves like vomit, “I was bummed the fuck out.” Daisuke spat at you. He's quick and curt, turning his head back up to face the ceiling.  

“I thought, how did I fuck this up? I did everything right; the only thing you owed me was an explanation, but I never got it. Ever. It was so embarrassing after I defended you to everybody, my friends told me that you weren't going to stay here, we weren't compatible, and that all these feelings I was feeling were just temporary high school relationship feelings.” Daisuke's arms wrapped around him, “I was so alone…I sat there and thought if somebody was as great, as smart, as strong, as amazing as you, couldn't love me, then would I ever be loved again?” 

Daisuke hiccuped; he wanted to beat himself up for slipping up like that as the stinging of his eyes only allowed a single salty tear to roll down his tanned cheek. You feel your heart constrict, a snake wrapped around it tightly, and clench in hopes you'd die from the loving feeling. 

“I mean, I was always weird–Not was. I still am. Nothing’s changed from Elementary, to middle school, to high school. . .In college, people hit on me. I was ‘good looking’ but what if people got to know me, the real me, like you did, and I’m just not that good enough for them…” Daisuke’s eyes fell closed, you’d see his cheeks glisten under the sparse red light in the room, and you feel your back freeze against the floor.  

“And it was so hard to date outside of you, you were so genuine with everything that if they didn't act exactly like you, I didn't want anything to do with them. It made me think about whether I'm really interesting and outgoing, or am I'm just impulsive and weird? I don’t understand what people are telling me, I say people’s names too much and they get irritated, and people always look to me to be the slacker one and they ask for me drugs but I've only ever done weed, y'know?”

Daisuke sighs, he thinks back on all those memories like when you both snuck to parks at night just to get on the swings, dying his hair colors that pissed off his father, going to dances just to spend the whole time with each other shitting on it, laughing at inside jokes, trusting enough to become physically—“I really didn't want to do this internship but my parents felt so bad about me, I didn't do anything and I never thought I was really good at anything besides baseball. I was just wasting their money partying and drinking, but when I decided to show them my grades, they were disappointed in me. I didn't do anything to try and fix it either, I got put on academic probation, and that's when they told me I needed to settle down on what I was doing at this instant…” 

You nodded before you heard Daisuke’s body turn around to face you, your mirror his actions, and the two of you look into each other's eyes, “I'm sorry for leaving you, Daisuke, it's just…My mom would've never liked you, and I couldn't endure–” Daisuke let out a loud, irritated groan, “Are you fucking  serious?” Your face freezes, flinching as he shoots up from his position, “This isn't about your mom, I would've stayed regardless of what she said.” You rolled back onto your back to look at him, “Yeah, but that's because you wanted to, but I didn't want you to endure–” “That's not your call to make at all!” “It’s just–” “No!” 

Just listen.

“I just wanted to be with you, anything that you did I was happily able to just go be with you and just be by your side no matter what, no matter what your mom said, no matter what my parents said, no matter if the whole world said that we wouldn't end up together, I was assured that we had something that nobody could do anything against. It was me and you against the world, and now I'm just sitting here wondering why you left me for the world? The fact that you became friends with the people you even like, that you dated people you told me you couldn't stand, wearing outfits your mother wanted you to wear–I get that you wanted to appease your mom, but holy shit, I just wanted you in any capacity–Hell, we could've done long distance!” 

Daisuke's cheeks were shiny like a porcelain doll; it seems like nothing on his face could hurt or ruin him–God, he was even a pretty crier.

“I just wanted you to pick me over that, you picked me over everyone and then…when we…” There's a quiver in his voice, you sit up, trying to reach out and comfort him, but he only flinches from your touch,  he staggers a few steps away from you and for a moment you feel like you're scaring an injured puppy, “You left me for people who didn't even like you, who you insulted, who you stood up against to tell them I would amount to something–And then, you fucking left me!” 

Your head cowardly shoots down, you can't even look him in the eyes with the amount of embarrassing moments that flood your mind. 

“I used to replay the morning after over and over, coming back to my room and finding out you just left.” You sigh, taking another swing, trying to stop your glassy eyes from becoming waterworks, “I didn't do it properly, but there isn't a right way to disappear from someone–” Daisuke hugs, slamming his head into his hands, “You ghosted me, [F/N]. I defended us to everyone, I told them we didn't need a label, that we were different than that, that it's just high school and high school's complicated, but if we made it out of high school, that would most guarantee that we would still be together in some capacity.”

Daisuke then shouted, “You didn't even wanna be friends! As soon as shit got hard, you bailed!” The tears rolled down his cheeks, the sound of them hitting the floor was the only thing that filled your ears when you were met with the agonizing sound of him sniffling and stifling his tears.

“I was a coward, you made me feel things I didn't even know were possible in this lifetime, you need me to believe that there was something beyond me just getting the degree my mom's always wanted and then killing myself after doing all she wants.” You then took another deep breath in, you both looked down, not being able to look at one another, “If I stayed with you, she'd cut me off, if I stayed with you, I'd ruin you–” “You did ruin me.” 

Daisuke then sighed, “You made my standards so high that I thought for so long that you just died, that there was no way you could leave since there were no si–signs of it.” You remembered those voice cracks in early adolescence, the braces that used to adorn his teeth, and the sight of his eager face to tell you a new album he just listened to; you could only pick your head up and watch the nightmare you made just for yourself.

Daisuke’s eyes were red-rimmed and glassy, barely able to stay open through the flood of tears that streaked down his cheeks; his face glistened in the low red light and highlighted his flushed tan skin. His mouth trembled, parted slightly as ragged sobs spoke through, and gas too short to be called breathing, he tried to hold back, and when he couldn't, he just wrapped his arms around you. 

It was too quick for you to respond; you were squeezed like a viper, his nose digging deep into your neck as he brought you closer to him to feel your body heat once more.

“The worst part is that I never stopped loving you…” 

Each inhale hitches his throat; he's sniffling at the confession, he cuts him open himself, following the same scar he's done a thousand times before.

Did you wear him down? 

The physical expression was raw, unguarded, wrecked–It was human. It was so…Daisuke. The feelings he displayed had no care for who saw them, just this need to be seen, to be known, to be truthful. Daisuke then quickly sighed. He felt rushed to get it all out before this feeling left him like it always did. When he got drunk, it was so hard for him to cry. 

Daisuke ‘Life of the Party' Juarez was distraught by how influential you stayed in his life. 

This close and intimate connection he had with you for so long, which ended after he gave himself away physically to you, killed him; he couldn't see himself being emotional with anyone else after such a devastating loss. You knew that, you hated that, no matter how hard you tried to convince yourself that leaving Daisuke was for the best and the two of you were bringing the worst out of each other, you had nothing to do but to accept the fact that what you did was wrong. 

All of it.

You allow him to sob into the crook of your neck, your arms find themselves under his and around his waist, you pull him in close, and his grip loosens as he feels your embrace surround him. Desperation that said never again. It wasn't graceful or soft; it was squeezing the life out of you and shivering like it was below 60 degrees, as jeweled fingers looked for any fabric to clench onto and dig their colored nails into. 

It was keeping you both tethered to reality while allowing you both to relieve yourselves of the situation. Both of your bodies fit together like a memory–irreplaceable.  “I'm so sorry, Daisuke…for everything…” The young man only sobs louder, you willingly endure this even if for the rest of your life, if it means you could be with him once more. You rub his back with your index finger, making a figure eight. He admires your memory from those times you'd be lying up in bed with him. Daisuke's posture softens; he's allowed this one moment in the field of all of this madness to get this familiar feeling that he's yearned for all these years. After what feels like a lifetime worth of hugs, you two pull away from one another, your hands still lingering on one another in hopes that you guys can be this close with each other forever.

There's a silence that falls upon the two of you, both looking to one another for the answer, before Daisuke sighs, just looking at you. Now that everything has calmed down, you both find your eyes on each other's lips, staring with an almost hypnotized gaze. It was a knowing feeling from the two of you, and yet, you knew you couldn't kiss him, not right now, not like this, not after all this shit you put him through. 

You notice his eyes on your lips, his spine rattling with anticipation, but you think about how this could be a moment of weakness for both of you, that you didn't want to ruin this moment like you did before, and you wouldn't allow Daisuke to ruin it for himself either.

It was the mouthwash, most definitely, just the mouthwash.

You both looked to each other, in hopes the other knew what the next move was, but the two of you could only tear yourselves away from one another once more. “It–It’s getting late...” You spoke, Diasuke’s honey brown eyes looked into yours, and you felt yourself torn by your own decision, “You think so?” The softness of his tone–God, his voice made your heart leap out of your chest, but you're quick to snatch it up and put it back. 

“I know so, Daisuke.”

You both get up and make your way back towards the lounge area where your guys’ bedding was, the gang had decided to pull them over to the front of the screen, whilst you guys get comfortable under the blankets you hear a groan from Swansea, he rolls over in his sleep and it suddenly becomes silent, Daisuke makes the same noise in response causing you to snicker. 

Silence falls between the two of you before you repeat his groan to Daisuke, and the two of you stifle your laughter with tears building up in your eyes, the once orange setting sun imagery on the screen now displaying the dark blue night with stars sprinkled about. 

You take another swig of mouthwash, your tummy aching, but your mind is pulled into the pleasure of limited thoughts. 

Daisuke gets silent, he turns back to face the screen, and is lost in the night sky while you're lost in his face. The glow allows all of his features to be highlighted in such a loving face, you find yourself lost in his moles, his fluttery lashes, and his always moisturized lips–You accept your decision, and you turn to face the screen alongside him. 

Daisuke breaks the silence with a question, “If we survive this, and we get really famous, you think I can be a baseball player?” You turn your body to look at him, and he does the same in response upon hearing you. There he is, with a smug smile on his face and eyes creased by his big smile, and that tells you all you need to know. 

 “Of course you can.” Daisuke lets out a soft giggle, which leaves you also just giggling at the scene. You're both most definitely still impacted by the mouthwash, but it feels more natural this way, something that nothing could compare to before. 

You fall asleep more quickly when you're inebriated, it's helped a lot during your most stressful times with Jimmy. You're allowed to be in these high-quality dreams that feel so real to you, and in this dream, you're alone, reading on this nice, soft couch, and far, far away from the Tuplar. 

Breaking News !

The Tuplar remains that have been recently under investigation, after the closure of Pony Express, one of the last manned crew freighter companies, which suspended its manned crews almost 10 years ago, before the company's closure. It seems that two bodies are locked in a cryogenics chamber—We have someone on site at the hospital. Bodies that were also found around the Tuplar are also put into the morgue upon returning to Earth. Our thoughts and prayers are with the family. 

The television plays loudly through the white room; it echoes through the eerily quiet area, and you wonder if this is really what you were forced to be given. You don't know how old you are when you wake up in the hospital room; you just want the television off so you can go right back to sleep. 

It seemed your mother made a big deal of your disappearance, her last years spent trying to find her missing baby, but you wonder if she did it because she cared or because she knew she couldn't start over if you were gone. You're not surprised that she's absent from your side, but what you do find is Daisuke's older sister with her father and mother. You can hear some quiet gasps from the other side, which reveal two little children you assumed were hers.

The woman looks at you in awe, her eyes lost in your aged face, before she begins to find her cheeks riddled with tears. She latches onto you without hesitation, and you're shocked that someone could find themselves at your hip. 

Though you're not surprised that it's Daisuke’s sister who finds this fondness for you instantly. Even her children comment on it as they follow around their mother to surround your bed. “You knew our mom's brother?” You only nod in return; their mother eagerly hushes them, “Boys, please, don't overwhelm ‘em.” Though you can hear her father as he puts his hand on her shoulder, “You might also need to ease up, Issa.” 

You can hear the door close, and you wonder where Daisuke's mom went. You allowed ice case sister's warm arms to wrap around you and you can feel her tightening grip whilst she begins to rub her hands up and down your back, it was grounding in a way that feels undeserved, and you don't hug back at first–Not because you don't want to, but because your body hasn't learned how to accept the things given to you yet.

Eventually, though, you allow your face to find the crook of her neck, and the smell of her perfume makes you feel like you're on a beach with a pina colada.

You don't remember agreeing to go anywhere, only that the hospital dissolves into motion—paperwork, voices during tests, and the studies that continue the need to fill out all signs that you’re ready to be dismissed. An insistence that you shouldn't be alone right now. You just nod, nod in response to everything, shake your head when you need to, and avoid your reflection at all costs. 

The house is filled with baked goods, a hint of tonkatsu fills the air, his mother tells you that she's already beginning to make dinner as they head to the hospital to do a nightly prayer over you before heading back home, she's so grateful to have you here, they all are and continue to eagerly express it every time you're in the same room as then.

There's clean clothes being brought from their laundry room, warm oil from the kitchen that's still popping as new slices are being prepped for your additional plate, and the faint trace of citrus that clings to the hallway as you begin to make your way up the stairs. You're not surprised, a variety of fruits were found in a bowl in the living room, alongside the upstairs hallway, the kitchen island table, and the front door, just in case Daisuke woke up a little late and missed breakfast. 

Though the smell of oranges clings to your nose upon reaching Daisuke's room, a small wooden basket before the door had almost 8 of them with a little sticky note on top. You don't know why you're standing in front of his door before dinner anyway, you're embarrassed by the colorful assortment of letters cut out from magazines when you first decorate his new room after he moved a bit farther, from being only a couple of blocks away.

The bike he had was probably still on the patio outside, locked up, waiting for Daisuke to come and unlock it to make his way down to your house during the times his father and mother used the car for work. Do you hear the way they talk about Daisuke? It's like they're just waiting for him to come down for dinner; in a way, you're waiting like a puppy dog in hopes he comes out of the room.

You almost whimper before his sister finds you. She's quickly on your back as her hands find your shoulders, you're met by her teeth, which are stained a slight yellow, and when she talks, you can see the brown on your tongue from what you assume is coffee.

The woman doesn't take long to usher you down for dinner, they give you simple yes or no questions at the table, even Daisuke's nephews try to be more easy with their questions towards you. You only tilt your head when you try to help with the dishes, you're quickly stopped by Daisuke's mother, who only tells you to get ready for bed, so you begin to take out the pull-out mattress from the couch that Daisuke's mother would use when extended family comes over.

You're about to pull it out before Daisuke's sister gasps, she quickly ushers you upstairs, and you find yourself in her room. It's a lot more bare than it was before. She had taken all her stuff with her to college when you and Daisuke were in middle school. It had some random paintings she did while she was in high school, a Renaissance lover who loved immersing her multiculturalism into the pieces that you admired as you sat on her bed. 

Daisuke's sister caught you staring at one of her and Daisuke during his quinceañera, you don't remember it too well since you showed up midway through after sneaking out. It was him in a nice suit with his sister next to him with the biggest smile on her face, then the other, which was a painting of her holding Daisuke in the hospital. You could feel her eyes burn into you as she watched you watch the painting. 

You waited for her to leave the room. She gave you one last hug and bid you goodnight. You stayed up staring at the ceiling above for hours; it gave you time to vocalize your thoughts in your mind, but you weren't ready to listen to your voice.

If it aged, or changed, or was something you wouldn't recognize anymore. 

That's what terrified you at this moment.

You found your feet against the cold wood floor. As the door creaked open, you could see Daisuke's mother come to replace the oranges in front of his door. You could hear her soft whimpers, but she didn't break out into a full-out sob. You assumed she had already known about her son's demise, having it confirmed when she had to plan his funeral was something that left your heart aching for the woman.

There isn't time to mess up a good thing, so you leave the room unchecked. You don't try to sneak into the room, the only thing that woman has left of her son; you can't ruin that for her, as you ruined him. 

Once you awake the next morning, it's Daisuke's sister dropping off her children at school. There's a silence as she begins to drive to a park. It was one she and Daisuke frequented, “I actually took him here when he accidentally took my edibles.” The woman takes a moment, and then some, and you can hear the way her voice begins to crackle before she turns to you.

“We've been talking…My father and I,” she says gently, eyes fixed on the grand view of the park. “About a press release. Just something small we hear about, that even your Captain Curly has taken the new additions to his body like a duck to water…” You find your view broken by the trees, then fix your eyes on Daisuke's sister…

“I beg your pardon?”

You don't hear your voice as your own; you watch her face slowly be filled with shock, but she continues regardless of her point, and you admire this family's perseverance. “Just something small that they plan on doing, it's going to be live televised, and there's a chance you'll be able to talk about what happened, how everything ended up the way they did, so people stop asking questions that aren't theirs to ask.” 

Your eyebrows furrow; regardless, you nod in agreement. “You're right.” The woman gives you a smile, you feel your body heat up as you feel her eyes begin to crease the same way, although she had many more beauty marks on her face than Daisuke, it still feels like being lost in those honey colored eyes.

This time, you initiated the hug. There's an eagerness to return it; soon enough, she begins to sob, and you allow her this grief. You rub her back more soothingly, circling your thumbs into her shoulder blades, which causes her to ease her harsh sobs into soft whimpers. 

The hug lasted for what felt like an hour; you were met by her puffy eyes as she continually thanked you for being there. You wondered if Daisuke needed this when you left, if he had done the same thing about you to his sister. You don't know if he ever told them what happened to you, and they seemed so eager to have you back in there, regardless of the gap spanning more than a decade. 

Daisuke's funeral came and went, ashes stood in a loving urn decorated with hibiscus, and there was still a tombstone thanks to donations. You're grateful for the number of people that attended, you watched as Daisuke's father and sister stood their ground by denying people questions during the service, and trying to overwhelm his mother. 

Upon reaching the cemetery, you decided to stay back, Daisuke's family unfortunately not agreeing with such an idea, as they agreed to wait in the hearse for you as you went to look for your mother's grave. 

Your mother's grave is smaller than you expected. It's clean and maintained. Someone cared enough to keep it that way, even if you never felt it well, she was alive. You're quick to find your bottom on the grass, no care for the clothes you're probably staining, and the sight of her being just a mother on the tombstone leaves you conflicted.

There's something in you that made you want to tell her that you hated her that you hated how miserable she had grown up and how you wished that you could have knocked out the bloodline from the beginning that if given another chance at life you would just kill yourself when you were a child you tell her how small she made the world and how you for everything was a test you are always wrong.

You want to tell her about the ship. 

About Daisuke. 

About how right she was right that God just wanted you to be alone.

You want to tell her how you don't forgive her for everything she's done to you, how tired you are of caring for her, but when you stand to leave, the world doesn't feel lighter; things just feel empty, the way they always did. 

Back at the house, the lights are low. You pause in front of the door again, fresh new oranges with another note on them, it's in Mandarin, and the characters have noticeably changed from before. You wonder briefly if this is what coming back is supposed to feel like, this hollow and empty feeling that only becomes a bottomless pit with you practically floating in the sea of your issues and thoughts, left with nothing to contemplate but the reality you're being forced to deal with.

The press release was ushered upon the people finding out you stayed at the Juarez residence, you made the executive decision to move to a motel despite the family's wanting to keep you there. They were happy you were speaking, Daisuke's mother using it as a point that they were really helping you be better for your future, that they'd help you get back on your feet, and so on. 

Though you disappear without a trace. You go through the streets in a baseball cap and a mask, looking for formal attire for the upcoming panel. The outfit is formal in the way that makes you feel like you're going to a court: neutral colors, no sharp lines, nothing that might be read as emotional. It fits your body, but not your sense of time, as you try not to look at yourself in the mirror longer than you need to be.

Maybe they were helping you, despite the fact that you were hurting them with the letters and people showing up to question you and the family. Daisuke's family was a bunch of Daisuke's themselves, it honestly brought a smile how many times they talked and you could hear Daisuke's voice say those exact words to you. 

You don't know how old you're supposed to look when you show up, you're honestly embarrassed as no one really mentioned years. The time you spent so long on that ship for calendars meant nothing now that you were here. 

Alive and existing…

The room they bring you to is a little bright, you rode over with Daisuke's sister who gave you a pep talk about how if the questions become too deep that you can signal her to say something, she asks if you want her to join you on the panel, just in case anything happens. 

You lovingly tell her there's no need, and soon enough you're making your way to a chair on the platform. Families sit in the neat rows before you, hands folded and eyes fixed forward. Daisuke's immediate family is there, you see Swansea's adult kids, and soon enough you see Curly's family begin to make their way into the area. 

One of your biggest fears is that you'll see your mother's face in the crowd praying she would just walk right out that coffin and apologize to you, for everything, how losing her baby changed everything and made her want to be better for you.

Though the only other person to come through that door is Anya's mother, you're surprised by the fact that she's not as aged as Daisuke's parents or Curly's father, you're lost in her features as it feels like Anya is walking right into the room–You quickly rip your eyes away from hers before you find the same images of her bloodied body beginning to flood your mind.

You wonder if Curly also feels this way, and soon enough he's making his way up the platform to you.

The technology is impossible in the way that only corporate funded rehabilitation ever is–invasive, expensive, and still incomplete. A spinal exoskeleton to brace his legs, glossy white and threaded with fiber optic cables that pulse faintly with each assisted step, neural pads hug his temples, translating intent into movement. His hands shake when lifts them and from what you can hear from him ushering his family to their seats, his voice comes through a synthesized modulation, slightly delayed, flattened at the edges.

You're glad it sounds nothing like him. 

One word from his mouth and you were sure you'd light the whole place up. 

There are people that stare at him, not like they do you but with an uncomfortableness at his exposed nature. 

You're dressed up in an outfit you don't know if you like now, you know it's appropriate for someone your age–But how old are you? No one's saying anything like a date, and even if they did, you've been on that ship for god knows how long.

Curly doesn't even face, you watch as he's the first to make his way behind the podium and soon enough the screen flickers to life from behind him. The Pony Express logo appears first, it's the outdated one you saw on the ship, you had heard that they changed it after the company went under and tried to rebrand, regardless, it stays the same as it was when you were on the ship.

“Cans or sludge, that's a mockery of what I had ever thought of. Not being able to sleep for more than 5 hours or we're docked credits, credits that are then used to pay us,” Curly begins, a voice mechanical but steady. 

You watch as he pauses before he finally turns to face you for the first time, you find those piercing blue bloodshot eyes back to when he reprimanded you for speaking out of turn or him on that table feeding him those meds.

Does he remember when you beat him?

Will he tell them what you did?

Or is it just another accident?

Curly seems to also be lost in a trance by your age, he remembered your colorful accessories and eager nature to get the job done, the only control you had was your wardrobe when you left the house under the watchful eye of your mother. There was now an adult sitting in place of you, but to be honest, all he saw was that same teenager still sitting there with hair not as long as it was now, or the uncaring expression that plagued your face, or the dried blood and vomit choked that coated your face. 

“If I was ever going to survive that cryopod, if I was ever given the ability to talk about what happened on the Tuplar…then I owe you all the truth…” 

Soon enough the screen changed behind him, to logs, schedules, ID Card photos that caused some gasps and quiet cries from the families as they saw their once beloved members once more. 

Curly goes day by day, no metaphor, no excuses.

You listen as he begins to talk about Jimmy first–the favoritism he played with amongst the crew, especially when it came to when you and Anya reported his predatory nature to the both of you, the excuses he made for the man, the way he allowed aggression to masquerade into incompetence. 

Curly names Jimmy's outburst.

The threats.

The way everyone learned to stay quiet around him.

“Jimmy, was the one who crashed the ship after he had…sexually assaulted a member of the Tuplar.” Curly's voice stutters as he says her name, “Anya was raped by Jimmy. Repeatably. Using pills from the medical room that I had noticed had been coming short but continued to act none the wiser. I told myself that I would handle it, I told him I would handle it, that we could all sit down and talk about the situation…unfortunately, she was impregnated. Anya was terrified to the point where she had hidden the emergency weapon in a place only she knew, she told me countless times of how he wanted him off the ship, his constant and inappropriate behavior towards her, and instead of confronting him. I coddled him.”

Curly took a deep breath, “When Anya told Jimmy he…spiraled, and crashed the ship to a meteor off course. I ran to the room after the crash to try and steer the ship off the course…but it was too late, I spent the remainder of my time on the medical bay being taken care of by Anya and F/N, who oftentimes fed me my painkillers. Then, after F/N defined themselves from Jimmy after he got a hold of the gun in the emergency case, we were both put into the last remaining cryopod.” 

When Curly finally decides to lift his head from the mic and towards the families his voice then drops, “I allowed it all to happen.” He first turns to Daisuke's family, “Your son died because I believe keeping the ship operational mattered more than keeping people safe. I'm sorry.” He then repeats the same apology to Anya’s mother who's shell shocked face is now forced into Curly's memory until the day he dies, then to his family he apologies for being such a failure that his mother had raised him better and he understood what it meant if he was to be left.

There is no defense.

No justification.

Just an explanation and apology, laid bare and insufficient to the families that are now being force fed the torture their loved ones endured in their final moments.

When it's over, no one applauds.

No one forgives him.

That isn't the point.

Soon enough, it was your time to give the statement, where you explained what happened after it all.

You tell them everything.

Your heart aches violently as you speak about your fellow coworkers on board the Tuplar. 

“Anya and Daisuke were my only true friends on board the Tuplar, I found myself confiding in both of them and with their existence the months after the crash allowed me to feel better after being abused and belittled by Jimmy.” You sigh, “Anya had swallowed all the rest of the medication left in the med bay after months upon months, I didn't know she was pregnant, I had no idea she was being abused by Jimmy and I wish I had known so I could've done more for her.” 

You choke up as you continue, nothing to hear but your very own tears hit the podium, “Daisuke was put out of his misery after Jimmy had told him to go into the vent leading to the medical room to save Anya when we wanted to help her at what Daisuke and I believed was a psychotic break, he suffered injuries that result in multiple lacerations on his body from a previously damaged vent. Swansea was the one who used the axe to stop his slow death after Jimmy poured mouthwash onto his wounds since we lacked any wound cleaner that we had been using for Curly's body.”

A silence falls as you try to think about your approach for the end, though you try your hardest to make sure you can properly assemble yourself before the crowd, “Swansea was shot by Jimmy, something I only found out after keeping Daisuke company whilst he was dying. Then, Jimmy put all the bodies at the table like a final supper. Jimmy cut off Curly's flesh from his leg and he ate it then forced me to eat it as well, it went on like that for days, I think, before we had our quarrel where the cryopods were being kept. I…I hurt him, I beat on him until I shot him and locked Curly and I in the cryopods.” 

You then nod with silence still in the room, after you finish talking there begins an eruption of questions and sobs allowing you to fully take control of the individuals. Soon enough, you and Curly were dismissed. Both of you are going behind the stage to share a one on one chat with one another. You don't waste a second, finding your hand on his cheek as fast as possible. 

A smack you had been yearning for such a long time. 

Curly doesn't say anything as you sigh, feeling the hot tears begins to prickle your eyes, “You don't…You could never understand what the fuck I have been through to just end up here…” You find your heart pounding against your chest, flames licking at your vocal chords, “Ever since I was a kid, I've always wanted to die. Until…Daisuke? It felt like…” You looked at Curly for a moment, but you see those blue eyes as nothing more than a reason you're now stuck in this situation.

“Before Tuplar, Daisuke and I were…” You look around for the word, you try to think about what you and Daisuke had for a moment if it was the relationship you believed he and you shared or if it was just some teenage fling that happens to break each other before college. 

“I loved Daisuke, and I'm sure as hell he loved me too but I was too scared for him to realize that. I was hoping it would be like the last relationships, where I just kind of went along with whatever my partner wanted and I just existed? I was like a dog to be showed off, cared for, seen as equal, reprimanded when needed and then…” 

A soft sigh leaves you, “Daisuke made that part feel nicer, like I wasn't just a lifeless blow up doll taking whatever was given to me but was an actual human, but not just a human. I was loved, loved so hard that I didn't have to worry about being careless when I knew there was someone to always fall on…but, I didn't. I couldn't just sit there and be loved, I kept overthinking it, what would happen after college, what would happen if I got pregnant, what would happen if one day he decided to love me but Daisuke, being Daisuke, would just lie to me just let me be happy and live in the security of love.” 

You could feel your eyes get hot with the tears brimming your bottom lashes, you don't wipe them though since who could stop you now. “One night, we had sex…It was the first I had ever had consensual sex with anyone before then and I had genuinely enjoyed it? Sure, he was awful the way any inexperienced person was but I didn't focus on how bad he was with his hands or if he accidentally went too rough because after everything, he'd ask me if I was okay–” You choke oh phlegm building up in your throat as the tears begin to boil over your cheek. 

“I always felt like my life was passing me by, childhood, preteen, teenaged years, being a young adult–It’d not that I don't remember it's just what is there to remember? I was just there. Existing day by day, because I had to. That's it. But, when it came to Daisuke I felt like I had to be in the moment. He'd ask me everything, like how I felt about something, how it tasted, if I liked it, if I cared, if I wanted to be somewhere, what I wanted to do. It was weird to be put first in a world that always saw me as just another homosapien. I never resented him for it, or hated him for loving me but…I was terrified, terrified someone could see me as he saw me, terrified because I knew I'd always be the way I am and I hate the way I am. I couldn't allow him to feel so happy with me the way we did that night, the many nights before, the days before, the months, the years–I can't allow him to be this happy with something that was never going to last.” 

A silence falls between the two of you, nothing but your soft sobs as your fists balled up to find your face. You wondered if Curly would comfort you, if he had it in him to bring that hand on your shoulder and try to tell you it's okay. Though, you already know what to expect from him. So, you quickly sniffle and suck up what you can do. You continue to allow all your entrails to continue to obscenely plop onto the floor before the man.

“As a child, what I've wanted more than anything was to be dead. I knew what was going to happen, when my mom kept pushing me and telling me to be better, to do better, when she belittled Daisuke to me and to his face, no matter what he did, there was nothing that was going to stop me from fulfilling my purpose on this earth which I had decided on all those years ago.” Curly questions it, “A purpose?” You only nod, your wet eye lashes flutter close as you can't look him in the eyes as you tell him, like a bad child admitting they've broken a vase, “Get the degree my mother always wanted, and then I'll kill myself.” 

A defeating silence falls between the two of you, allowing your eyes to open once more, you're met by the sight of the fear stricken look on Curly's face. Your eyes don't meet his, it takes a few minutes before Curly begins to speak up, “Hey. We all tried to escape. Didn’t work for any of us. I’ve thought many times, 'Is this what peace feels like? And, is it good enough?' If I’m being real, it certainly isn’t the best." So all I can do is try to make my life one I’m not trying to run from all the time. Sometimes I’ll be promoted, buy a house, fall in love. But other times I’ll just have some awful fucking cake with my friend. But now…What do I do when everything is gone?”

You only huff out a sigh, you feel your nails begin to dig into your palms with irritation at that stupid look on his face and then he began to speak, “In that quietness, in the cryogenics pod, in my mind, I continued to replay those months I spent with my crew ultimately leading up to me ending up in the pod. It was a repeat, and as soon as I was in the cryogenics chamber it would just restart all over again–”

You’re quick to cut him of, “I saw what Anya did, when she killed herself, why she did it in that room…It all made sense to me in that moment, and the fact you couldn't even look me in the eyes or her mother just tells me all I need to fucking know.” 

You can hear him try to explain himself, just like he did on the stage, he tries to apologize again and you don't listen to him.

“Shut the fuck up, Orion.” 

You take in another breath as Curly finally begins to shut up,  “No one else can talk. Not you, not Jimmy, not Swansea, not Daisuke, not Anya.” questions rise up, it doesn't need to. 

Your job is done.

It clicks for you in that moment that there's no need to continue, to allow him in your personal business if all you were going to be met was by the same pointless apologies that did nothing but allow him to bask in the light that was a new job opening after the whole crew had been let go.

“Bigger and brighter things, huh?”

There's no resolution.

No lesson neatly learned.

“Let's hope you still have that going for you.”

Just two people departing and taking in the weight of what they survived—and what he allowed.  And somewhere behind it all, the knowledge that telling the truth didn't save anyone. It only made sure that the story couldn't be buried with the ship. 

Curly gets dropped off by his extended family, his parents and siblings can't face him for the moment as they practically grieve the man Curly was believed to be. There's the same apartment that has awaited him for a long time, learning how to use the equipment in the hospital was the only human interaction outside of his family. 

The man can't sleep that night, he can't even bring himself to the room as he lays on the couch just staring up at the feeling or staring off the terrace into the night sky during the crack of dawn.

The neural interface hums softly at his temples as the system brings his body online. Assisted movement, manual breathing, a completely relied on system that was guaranteed and necessary to keep him alive. His legs didn't hurt anymore, not really–they just didn't belong to him. The exoskeleton that locks into place with the clock he had been becoming slowly familiar with.

Curly wakes to hate, he doesn't even know why he even opened the phone his brother had gotten him, it vibrated profusely on the wood floor until he silenced it. There were no real new groceries since he had been going to his family’s house for dinner every night, removal from the family group chat guaranteed his belief that he was disowned for the time being. 

If Jimmy taught him anything, then a hunch isn't just a hint.

The man decided no breakfast for him, what is the point in eating when he can't even taste anymore. 

So, he reaches for his remote with hands that still don't feel like hands.

Soon enough the television turns on.

BREAKING NEWS !

A survivor of the Tuplar tragedy was found dead earlier this morning. A self inflicted gun shot wound found in the head of a body found in an empty motel. Authorities have confirmed the death has been ruled a suicide. A note has also been recovered but has not been released to the public as it's still being held in evi–

Curly stares at his reflection of the black screen of the now powered off television, he's just looking back into those same blue blood shot eyes before you call his name. 

“Orion…”

He laughs.

It slips out of him, sharp and sudden, bouncing against the walls of the room with nothing stopping from it becoming louder and louder. There's a vocal fry, with his voicebox overheating from the strain on his vocal chords, sounds wrong coming through the vocal modulation, flattened and artificial, like the system doesn’t know how to process it.

“Of course,” he says to no one. “Of-fucking-course.”

The laugh keeps going longer than it should, a wheeze leaving him before his modulation begins to go wrong leaving him to be met by a much more different sound. It's like he's watching Jimmy find the gun in the medical room all over again, as his shoulders shake, his chest tightens. 

The system flags irregular breathing, but it doesn’t intervene fast enough.

The laughter breaks.

What replaces roars from his throat.

Curly’s hands curl uselessly in his lap as the sound turns inward, collapsing into something wet and broken. He bows his head, forehead resting against the cold brace of the exoskeleton, and for the first time since the Tuplar, he doesn’t try to steady himself.

And Curly continues to cry, God knows how long, trapped in a body that works just well enough to keep him alive, knowing—with a clarity no technology can soften–that even now, even after everything, survival was never the same thing as being saved.

The sobs that escape him are now from his throat, the voice modulation decommissioned without a care from Curly as he continues to allow himself to sob, even just for this moment.

A real, true cry.

Something he deserved after everything. 

Anya…Musume? Maybe it was a lack of attention you paid in school, but God, you couldn't read cursive to save your life. Looking at her name card, you could tell who she was. She was the nurse on deck and who you'd be spending your time with. Luckily for you, you'd given this time to really take in your surroundings, and by taking your surroundings, be stuck with Jimmy for a majority of the duration of your trip.

It peeved you to say the least, and you couldn't help but hate how much Jimmy was going to be around you, and how much this was definitely going to affect your relationship given the situation.

Your eyes laid on Anya, she was gorgeous, in fact, one of the most prettiest girls in the world. She honestly reminded you a bit of Daisuke’s older sister, she's not meek when she talks to you. In fact, you watch as Anya takes over Jimmy, she's a lot more carefree than Jimmy made her out to be, passionate about helping you, Jimmy also calls that her hellbent need to be in charge, and she tells you about how you should join her and Daisuke for a game, and which Jimmy will tell you that they’re both childish ego maniacs who have never told no in their life.

“They keep trying, reaching for something that they know they'll never reach, but thanks to their parents' big ambition and big push, they think they can accomplish the world. They don't know hard work. Failing 8 times? It's obvious she's not trying hard enough. Daisuke? It’ll just be inheritance.”

You hated how little time you were able to spend with Anya. It honestly pissed you off how fucking pushy Jimmy was. It was irritating to be around somebody so annoyingly negative, pessimistic, ignorant to the world around them, only thinking of how things can only get worse. 

It wasn't even you who told him to go away, it was Anya. The dark-haired woman speaks to you. There's a big, chipper smile on her face, and it's radiant, like a halo behind her, and she's looking to you like Mother Teresa. “I would love some help from you if you don't mind. I know Jimmy is rather busy since he is Copiloting and I am pretty sure Curly's been talking about needing some help in the cockpit for a minute. He came in here early with some injuries. I was hoping I would find Jimmy to tell him to go help Curly. It gives you the time to really look into the nurse's office and get to know more about the area, I'd be happily able to inform you while Jimmy's gone.” Jimmy scoffs. Obviously, he can't even help the idea of you wanting to do something else rather than be around him.

“Well,” “I’d love to, Anya!” 

Jimmy's eyes as it hits your gaze but Anya's there, and she's tall and proud and she doesn't give a shit. She's like this bright flashlight, beating down on a shadow. “You’re our only hope!” Anya jokes. There's a soft giggle in her voice. Jimmy leaves in a huff and it honestly brings you more joy to even be out of the area. She watches as your soldiers fall in relief and she can't help but just feel for you in those seconds as she watches you. 

“What a hardass, no?” You let out another sigh, “You’re fucking telling me.” Bursts in the laughter. It's the same boisterous laughter that you hear in the game room while her and Daisuke are going at it.

It's nice, you're not surprised Curly feels so at peace around her, she's like a garden, if you're gonna be honest, with all the pastels surrounding you and the smell of the nature hitting your nose. It's sweet, not nauseous, not irritating to the skin. Everything is soft and the temperature is perfect.

“Well, tell me about yourself,” she says. She takes a seat on the other side of the desk, and you follow in suit as you just can't wait to talk to this woman. “What do you like to do on the ship? What makes you smile? Why are you here? How'd you throw up on Jimmy without him making a bigger scene?” Anya's quick quiz questions. She's very inquisitive.

You look around her desk to see the small doodles on sticky notes, the many different books on psychology and mental health, and the personal notebook on her desk decorated with old worn-down stickers that are scratched up and fading in color.

You try to answer every question with suave, you hope your cool in her eyes, “Honestly, I like sleeping on this ship. I never realized how exhausting everything would be, especially with such a hard ass like Jimmy. I mean, Jesus, man this guy can't do anything without being such a bitch! He's always trying to make me do more and more and more like me doing the basics isn't enough. And he acts like this is like something I've done 1000 times but I'm literally doing only for the first time. And I can't believe it. He's just so aggravating, you know?”

Anya's listening earnestly, and it's riveting to have somebody genuinely sit there and listen to you. There are no accusatory glances, there's no language that has any type of anger or hindrance towards your story or how you feel. It's fully allowing you to be in the moment and be in your emotions.

You’re wondering why it’s so easy to talk to Anya when you struggle talking to anyone else, is it always this easy to talk to strangers? It’s probably why your always on online chatrooms, like the time your mom caught you on one at 3AM and almost tore you a new one. 

Anya hits you with the simple responses, “Mhm.” “Right.” “Oh my god.” In her tone, it's laid back, it makes you feel casual, and it makes you feel amazing. “What makes me smile? Honestly, I really couldn't tell you, but I promise you that the reason? That's probably on this ship, actually.”

Anya's ears perk up, and she's most definitely way more into this than you thought she'd be. Not like she wasn't into it before, but it's definitely something that's alarmed her.  “On this ship?” There’s a hum in her voice as she playfully smirks, your bite your tongue as punish before shaking your exposed palms at her to try and lower the attention to your wording.

“No, not like that, just–” Anya just dismissively hums at you, she knows something you don’t and it’s eating you alive, “I’m really only on this ship for my mom? She wants to make sure I get better opportunities when I get back. But honestly, I just can't wait to move out of this house. It's exhausting. Everything is just so exhausting, but I think it's gonna get better. Once I'm out.” Anya nods, “Once you’re out!”

You smile at this. There's something so sweet about this, thus you continue on. “Honestly, I didn't really mean to throw up on Jimmy, it was a lot in the moment and honestly it was just so icky being around him. I felt like there was hundreds of thousands of maggots just swirling around in my stomach acid and they were becoming more than my stomach acid could take and not enough was being burnt down and I just felt it just plummeting back in my throat and I just couldn't fathom being around that man anymore.” 

Oh, fuck.

The look on Anya's face is caring but there's definitely a hint of anger, irritation even, and just grief for you specifically. Anya feels for you, she honestly can't stand being around Jimmy in the minutes she had to meet him. He was just nothing more than somebody who was just super-duper grumpy with Daisuke and Swansea make little jokes about the bitter man.

Anya stops joking with Curly after making one joke and Jimmy hearing it from Curly and thus Curly mentioning Anya and thus Jimmy saying lot of things very much out of line that led to their dismissive interactions with another unless under a professional lens.

“It’s just treating him if he needs it and making sure I do the psych evals, other than that, he has no reason to be around me.” 

You respect Anya in that regard: She's very much self-oriented, if it’s hurting her, it’s out of her life like that, she snaps, and you notice the shimmer from the glitter on her pink almond nails. “Do you get them done often?”

Anya raised a brow, you point to her hands put them out to cradle her as she allows you to get a closer look, “Oh, I do ‘em myself. I used to do my mom's when I lived at home.” That’s when Anya turned your hands around, your hands were fried from the manual labor that Jimmy put you through, she winces but a light bulb above her makes her shine like a descending Angel. “I don't know if you're against it, and if you are it’s cool, but I'd really love if you let me work on your nails. If not, it's completely cool. But you know, if you let me, I'd be like super happy!” There’s a cheekiness to Anya, she’s unapologetically herself, never in a mean way but uplift others. A smile on her face, it’s subtle but there, “I’d be super happy too, if you did my nails.” Anya gives you an even bigger smile, before she slowly pulls in with a flutter of her lashes, “Oh, yeah?” You giggle at her nature, “Oh, most definitely.” 

The two of you share a giggle before she unfortunately has to dismiss you, “Studying sucks, but I don’t think my gut can take more chili fries.” Anya playfully sighs as she waves you out.

There’s a pep in your step as you walk, this pep however hushes once you hear Curly and Jimmy talking in another room, “And she completely dismissed me, as if I didn’t exist!” You listen in closely.

Obviously, they're talking about you, so you should hear it. Because they won't tell you and they never will. Maybe that's your own fault, but the more you listen to Jimmy complain, the more you wonder if Curly even cares at this point.

“Well, you didn’t really take the time to really address Anya, y’know?” He's dismissive to the fact that Curly could even be right in this scenario. With how he's been carrying himself this whole time, he's assumed that Anya should just respect him regardless.

You have no choice but to really listen to him regardless since this is really all you really have, and you'd have to hear about him talking shit about everybody later anyways. “Even then, she should respect me, I am the co-captain.” Curly sighs, “Well, you don’t really act like a nice co-captain.” There’s a stifle in his voice, a choked out laugh escapes Jimmy and you can feel the spit hit your face from memory.

“Oh, you mean be you?”  “No. I mean be more likeable, try with the others, all you do is sit here cooped up in this section of the ship barking orders at…”  Curly backpedals, your peeved that he’s not saying more, Jimmy repeats your name, you feel your back straighten at the sound.

“Listen, what goes on with the training has nothing to do with you or anyone else on this ship. Besides, you put me in charge of them, you think I’m gonna sit there and let my protege get soft like Swansea’s?” There’s an eye roll from the blond, “What are you even talking about? Swansea has Daisuke study, and he gives him tests on the material.” 

Another sigh leaves Curly, you hear those beat up shoes hit the floor as he adjusts himself before he speaks again, “Y’know what your problem is? You sit here and you constantly compare yourself to others, and when they're not exactly like you, you wanna sit there and make them feel bad for being themselves.”

'Jimmy says nothing, your shocked by that fact alone, “I got you this job because it’s easy money, Lord knows your situation before wasn’t any better than this, and instead of trying to get along with others or at least being cordial, you’re trying to self-destruct when things don’t go your way.”  

There’s a drag in the air, you peek a bit to see that Jimmy huffs and his head hangs low, he’s like a child being caught digging in the candy jar.

Curly looks irritated, it's a very different light you see him in as its rare you ever seen him disgruntled, “I really am screwing this up. I mean, have I really not been trying at all? I feel like I have. Have I really not been changing to begin with?” Jimmy mutters to himself, loud enough for you and Curly to hear since the sound of a foot echoed throughout these halls.

Curly’s features soften, “Maybe you’re right, I’m not cut out for this stuff, I should’ve just stated back.” He sighs before pulling Jimmy in for a hug. “We’ve known each other since forever, I don’t want to see you struggle like you did before, this is how you lost your last job, remember?” Jimmy doesn’t even respond, he nods with his head in his friend’s shoulder before Curly has a big smile on his and he pats his friend’s back.

“I just want what’s best for you, Jimmy.” Curly says as he pulls away, Jimmy nods again, “Yeah, I know.” It’s like he’s reflecting on himself almost, before Jimmy begins to fold in on himself, “God, I really am screwing this up.” The brunette then puts his head in his hands leaving Curly to quickly comfort the man, “Hey, you’re doing your best, I’m not expecting you to get it overnight.”  

You're in awe by them, you wonder if you should do something or at least doing something more than just watching them right now. You clear your throat causing the two to look back to you, Jimmy straightens up, that remorseful look on his face now a bittered expression that was the sourness that your existence caused him. Curly perks up, “Hey there.” Jimmy says your name, you fix your posture, “Jimmy. Curly. How’s it hanging?” “Was doing a lot better earlier.” 

God, you wanna punch this guy so fucking bad.

“Ah, I get that. I heard from Swansea that Daisuke was sniffling earlier, you probably caught it.” The man raises a brow, “How can I catch it? I only saw him once today.” You also a raise brow, “Y’know, like pathogens? He sneezes and it’s all in the air now.” Curly nods in agreement, “Yeah, we are trapped on this ship so it would be hard for something like that to just disappear in the air.” Jimmy nods alongside him, “You’re right, Curly.” 

You allow the situation roll off your back, like a duck to water, you don't let it affect you and you're glad you don't. Now Curly and Jimmy are just looking at you before Curly perks up with a little question, “I mean, didn’t you throw up earlier? You probably got it from Daisuke.”

Now you're here stuck thinking about the fact that Daisuke has such a disgusting implication of you.

“Oh, yeah, probably.” That’s when Curly looks towards Jimmy, his eyes dart towards you and then back towards Jimmy. “Maybe you should turn in, it’s been a long day, and I need you to handle the challenges for tomorrow.” Gee, thanks. You smile, eagerly, “Thank you so much, Jimmy. I really appreciate this.” You dismiss yourself because what else are you doing around these two? You don't need to be around them longer than you need to be, and just being around these two just makes you feel off. 

You quickly make your way to your room. While walking around, you however discover one of the room’s door opened, It's not in your nature to really peak. The Jimmy and Curly thing was definitely you just trying to learn more about why he was such a douchebag, and you didn't really learn much to be honest with you. 

So maybe peeking isn't gonna really help you in this situation—

“Hey, come in here, you.” The only feminine voice you'll be met with on this trip. You turn your head after walking by the door without looking, and there you're met with Anya, she's out of uniform some pajama bottoms and an oversized shirt, you notice the face on it– “You like Love Island?” Anya raises a brow, “You know Love Island?” You nod your head, “My mom’s really into it, sometimes I just watch it with her while I’m making food.”

“Cool.” 

“Yeah.”

There’s silence between the two of you, it’s nerving given that she just has this unphased expression on her face, her half-lidded eyes with a small smile that showed how happy she was to be around you had only made you worry more as you believe your overstaying your welcome by standing around her. You try to dismiss yourself—

“You wanna come watch it with me? I got a bunch of downloaded episodes.” 

You perk up at the question, not like you have anything better to do, you’re not sick and Jimmy just let you go. Anya tilts her head, awaiting your response, “So?” Your eyes widen, “Oh, yeah, of course.” The smile on Anya’s face got bigger, “Yeah, come on in.” 

The times you leave your room to go do your job you're only met with that smile on  Captain Curly’s face that feels more forced than ever, he tries to save face now, and for everyone's sake they're cordial, but you're conflicted on how to feel by his attempt to still put on a brave face in the field of all the tragedy–What are you even talking about? He doesn't even have to try. He knows he doesn’t have to do anything, but he chooses to be this way, and for what? What does he gain from this? It’s done, it’s over, why is he so happy when everyone’s so miserable? Is it because he still has a job after this? 

He's most likely got another job after this; the company will absolve him from this situation. You all still get paid at the end of the day, so what does it matter as long as it’s delivered, and you return on schedule? Even with this knowledge, everyone still looked to Captain Curly for all the answers, they handled him with care and consideration, and for people like Swansea and Daisuke it was just another thing to brush under the rug, while Anya would be up at night just stressed by her situation and she began to make more frequent calls home. Jimmy eased off of you. After the birthday, he noticed your demeanor changed as you became quieter. He would make small jabs, “I don't see why you're so mopey. Mommy can't wait for you to get back anyway.” He mocked, yet this wasn’t like the usual one-liners he’d shoot at you for your behavior or the smile you lacked while on the job, that sickening ‘Capitano’ that escaped his lips before he would tell you that you were only training for the future that would never come. This time, however, Captain Curly shot a mournful look at Jimmy, leaving you to look at the two with confusion, “I’m sorry?” The blond cleared his throat, accepting that you obviously knew he knew something, “Well, I noticed you hadn't tried to make contact with your mother since we had begun our descent, and while I don't know your situation, as Captain, I intervened and told your mother the situation and your change in behavior.” “And why would you do that?”

There's a silence that falls between the three of you while you all stand in the cockpit, Jimmy's quick to say, “I noticed your change in behavior since the news was told, and you hadn't really been active with the rest of your coworkers, so I asked Captain Curly here to contact your loved ones to let them know the situation. Standard Pony Express procedure.” You find your eyes twitching with the frustration building up, Jimmy shakes you violently and can't wait to have Captain Curly open up that can, but you can’t give him that satisfaction. You replace the loud groan that's built up in your chest with a cool exhale as you gather your thoughts and emotions before you speak up, “Well, I don't see why you two would do something like that without me knowing–” “Standard. Procedure. Besides, they were bound to find out anyway.” Jimmy cut you off, you bite your tongue with a quickness before Captain Curly spoke up, “I do, apologize, for not speaking to you about it but from the way Jimmy explained the situation it seemed dire, you hadn't contacted her since we departed, and it's better to ask for forgiveness–” 

You smack your tongue against the roof of your mouth, scowling at your superiors like you were Squidward, having to deal with another ignorant situation between the yellow-colored fool and the bumbling idiot with the crude voice. Was it now that you had begun to realize how bad these two sucked? I mean, obviously, Jimmy was corrupted from the start, and the switch-up did nothing but confuse and frustrate you. Captain Curly, though? “Captain, I don't see how that would concern you. You know, since you're not even really my captain anymore.” You looked up into their eyes, you searched for any change in their stature, and yet, you're met with nothing, “I mean, we all got fired and you're just still trying to play Captain? For what?” “Because it's a Captain's job–” “No, I asked you, why are you doing this shit to me? You call anyone else's parents?” “Well…no,” You then scoffed, “What am I a fucking child to you?” Jimmy sneers, crossing his arms dismissively, “You're acting like one.” You put the palm of your hand up in the brunette's direction, “If I wanted the opinion of the spare, then I would've asked.” Captain Curly is quick to cut in, “F/N, please, you don't need to act so hostile to us, Jimmy was only looking out for you.”

You raised a brow, “Me? Hostile? Can I just tell you how I feel? Since you care so much about my feelings, I'm assuming you wanna be some school counselor, go and contact my mother ‘just in case’ like I'm some goddamn liability.” Captain Curly reached out to you and stepped back instantly, his hand flinches back away from you before looking back up to you, bringing it back to him without hesitation. You fear it's disgust that guided your body back, and you know it’s Captain Curly’s reaction that helps you realize it, “Jesus, you think I'm some fickle thing that's going to crack? You think being fired and going back to Earth is gonna make me fold?” Jimmy then cuts between the two of you, “You've been nothing but insubordinate since you got here, constantly needing to say something–” You bark out a laugh, “I know the fuck not! All you do is sit there and wallow in your self-pity when you're not belittling me for every little mistake.” “How are you supposed to get better if you can't even take constructive criticism?” You find the anger bubbling up inside you, but you just clench your fist behind your back as you try to keep a cooler composure when addressing the two.

“I mean, I've tried to be nice to you and accommodate whatever clear mental issues you have, but it's hard to work with someone who's just constantly regressing and challenging me. You need to understand we're your superiors, and what we say goes.” You look at Jimmy through your lashes, praying this obstructed view of him would make you wanna punch him less, as you turn from him, they land on Captain Curly's gaze, whose arms are crossed. “I’m very disappointed that you're being like this, F/N,” Your eyes widened at what your dear Captain just dared to utter to your face. “You know how hard Jimmy has been working to not let his issues get the better of him, and instead of working alongside him and understanding you both are going through the same thing, you instead are constantly lashing out and hurting those around you who only want to help. It's disheartening to see, and it's no excuse to just completely shut yourself away from the rest of the group just because you can't control your emotions.” Captain Curly then sighs, “I understand that everyone's under a lot of stress right now, just the other day Anya had a moment of weakness just like this, and I’m not surprised if Swansea is dealing with Daisuke, so I don’t have to, you know, Anya said, ‘Your worst moments don't define you.’ And I hope you take those words into consideration.” You look at the two men before Captain Curly looks at Jimmy and then back to you, you clear your throat before you speak, “Oh, Captain Curly, you're right…” Both men’s eyes widen. “I shouldn't be taking it out on my superior when they're just trying, but I'll be honest when I say that my superior isn't as great as you are, Captain Curly.” Your eyes flicker between the two, but they hold on to Jimmy as you continue to speak, “Honestly, it'd be better if I trained after you, like I'm supposed to, under an actual captain.” Jimmy’s face stays straight but his eyes call you a slew of phrases that demand an ass whooping, unfortunately for you, Captain Curly looked between the two of you and he cut in with a bit of annoyance in his tone.

“You're dismissed for the day.”

You nod, “Aye aye, Captain.”

Your hands clenched the thin sheets of your bed, the place you've reported to whenever you stopped training with Jimmy ever since the talk with the two, actually, since Curly's birthday party, of course, you had to leave and do your job, but you became curt with a lot of things. You’ve done nothing but just been in bed since you’ve been dismissed, like a child in time out, you feel this embarrassing feeling wash over you that Jimmy was right. Acceptance is most likely the right word. As you lie in bed with nothing more than a disgusting amount of guilt consuming you after you've done that, your thoughts are loud, and you try to tune them out with the familiar sounds of Tuplar’s only way of communication. You listen for creaks, footsteps, hissing of pipes, and so on. You focus on the door opening and closing in the next room over, you're not surprised since Anya’s always been a night owl. You think back on her frequently during the night, embarrassment floods your face as you think back on you just mindlessly cussing into the wind. 

Your knuckles are white, and while your mind drifted away from the sounds and back to your consciousness, the words of your co-workers' echo throughout your mind as if they'd all surrounded your bed just to dissect you. You lay there, unable to move, as they cut you open and critiqued all the things you had done. You think about how  Captain Curly's disappointed by your performance and had to call your mother like a 5-Year-Old, how's Swansea barely even acknowledged you unless it was to snicker at something you said as if the sound of your voice didn't matter unless it was to elicit laughter out of him, you would pray on you would talk to you but since the birthday party she's been so distant from you you're scared to reach out and you remember the times you'd go knock on her door to find no answer, you could obviously hear her in there shuffling or moving around, and you'd call out for her, but she never answered, and for you, that was your answer. And then there was Daisuke. It was even more embarrassing, the idea that he was so enveloped in himself, sure, you had to make the effort to talk to him, but he hadn't done it yet either. Was it a stalemate to see who would break first?

You prayed that you would talk to you first, though; The idea that Jimmy was the person you would be stuck with, that he was the only one talking to you, that he was the only one paying attention to you, disgusted you beyond belief. You couldn't believe that somebody like him would want to be around someone like you, you wanted to change your appearance, and how you were willing to go a complete 360 just to make sure he wouldn't acknowledge your existence the way he didn't do others. Sure, you would have to join neutral coworker terms, but God, it felt like being around him was his chance to indoctrinate someone into his pessimistic lifestyle. You're not surprised that he was able to pick you out, but it scares you that he knew exactly how to do it. You shiver in your bed, and you wonder if it's your blanket or the reality of your situation.

You find your mother's face when you close your eyes, it's most likely the reason you've been going to bed immediately after work, the exhaustion allowing you to completely forget about everything. “You can't keep running away,” she'd say, a phrase that clung to your skin like wet clothes. There's a comfortable silence that fills the room, and your most desperate attempts to lull yourself to sleep go through your phone. However, it doesn't take you long to open up your Messenger, and while your finger hovers over the conversation, you already know what you're looking for. You hold a gaze as the light reflected from your phone makes your eyes squint, you focus in on those familiar messages, and the depression consumes you once more as you're laid out all the times you could've said something, explained the situation, and gone back to his embrace.

Your thoughts flicker to the relationships you tried to build after Daisuke. There were other people, but God, were they awful. A lot of them are just your mom's friend’s kids: A-Plus Students, most definitely going into STEM, family-oriented, and their futures perfectly crafted by their own families. In those moments where you hold their hands and put on the display of affection for your mother and their friends you just thought back on Daisuke's laugh, the way it dribbled like a basketball before he let out a satisfying sigh after you said something funny, the smile lines on his face were apparent as always and in that face you couldn't believe that a rainbow could contest it. 

What was it about him?

You huff and put your phone back down on your bed, you can't escape this though, your form of self-harm was efficient as you closed your eyes to be met with those beauty marks that decorated his face and those distinct honey brown eyes that sparkled at the sound of your voice–The ship's hull creaked again, and the sound of metal scraping against mental center jolt through your body. You shoot up, the sounds loud but distant, only for them to make their way down in an escalating manner. 

The alarms blare wildly, they're tearing your eardrums apart, and the sound of the shop groaning under the strain of its descent wasn't easing its way in but instead shoving itself through your hands and into your ears. The red glow of the alarm bathes your body as you're left with nothing more than the thought of your life this far. This unforgiving world was finally taking you out, and you could do nothing more but accept this. You prayed in your room to anyone that would listen, a God, or multiple, someone who was higher than you in the universe, that could guarantee you that whatever was causing this ship to be shaken so violently would kill you swiftly.

The sirens wailed louder, their shrill pitch blending with the sound of the wind rushing around the ship and creating a vortex of sound that sounded like a symphony made to distort and overstimulate you. Although overstimulation is an understatement. With those sounds, those moments flash before your eyes, the risk you never took, the places you never went, the people you've never met, and the people that you did meet, you failed. 

Over and over and over and over.

Your hands are now scraping at your head, you feel the tears rushing down your face as all that surrounds you feels like it's falling apart, the ship shakes violently, and it only adds to the destruction of your senses. You would never go out after things that made you feel alive; you only took this internship because your mom wanted it, and it was the only way you'd be able to escape that wretched woman for just a year. You couldn't even escape her in college, now that you were accepting death just to avoid the idea of having to deal with anyone anymore. The red glow from the warning light colored your face as you squeezed your eyes closed. Maybe you'd never really know what it was truly like to be happy; this ship felt like that start, but now that it's over, why would you even care? It feel familiar to the feeling when you had to tell Daisuke your mom wanted you to go home, keeping you irritated the rest of time you were hanging around Daisuke, he'd try to quell your frustrations and sympathize with your situation but all you could do was hold a bitter resentment by the reminder that this wasn't forever.

The speed of the ship's convulsions only continues to grow to terrifying heights as your stomach feels like a blender, you don't remember having motion sickness, but it does feel like you're about to cover the area in your vomit. Maybe you'd never know what it'd be like to be truly happy, and maybe this was the price you had to pay for not living your own true life. The ship hurdles downward, and your thoughts are back to being filled by the people who take up that space happily. A chair awaited them as they waved and called for your attention. They could quell your fears if you listened. You look around for anything, your body flings back into the wall, and you let out a loud grunt with a slur of curses escaping your throat as your back aches from the exposed pipes that slammed into your back. Even in this pain, you knew that you deserved it.

In some way, shape, or form, you knew this needed to happen. 

It was all strange, a better discomfort knowing that the end was coming. There's no more pretending. No more should-haves or must-haves or have-nots, just acceptance. And as your head continued to slam against the wall and you closed your eyes, you took a deep, shaky breath and waited for impact.  You couldn’t imagine being stranded on this ship, as it plummeted towards the unknown, you only prayed harder that a pipe would come shooting down from the ceiling and crush your skull into minced meat.  

Unfortunately, what awaited you was far from what you had wanted.

After the crash, Curly was practically unrecognizable; he was missing everything that made Curly…Curly, to be completely honest. There's no smile awaiting you anymore when you walk into the room; his eyelids, dressed with intrigue and hanging low, which expressed his relaxed and confident attitude to everything, were now eviscerated. You couldn't hear that booming cheer that escaped him and a hearty laugh that told you all you needed to know about him.

All those features were incinerated away, and his body, now wrapped in bandages and dressed in a hospital gown, awaited the nurse of the Tuplar.

It's crushing to look at him, you find yourself staring at him longer than you should, and he takes notice since his eyes are still moving around, well, eye. Curly’s mouth is fully exposed, but nothing leaves it besides noises. You try to tell a joke, a simple knock knock that only leaves him to just stare at you blankly, “I hope you can still feel the humour of what I said, y'know, it's hard to talk to people that don't talk back, much harder than when you talk to someone that can talk back since you don't…really…” You notice his eye isn't on you, it's drifted away as you monologue. 

You follow his eye, finding your newly appointed captain towering behind you. 

It's almost exhausting being drained that fast, it felt like having your first time and blowing your load before you could even savor the feeling. A one pump chump, “Ah, Jimbo, what's poppin’?” The man takes his time to address you, “Where have you been?” The clear anger in his voice caused you to roll your eyes at him, and he snapped at you in response, “Oh! I’m sooooo sorry, Co-Captain F/N, that I inconvenience you with your job. You act like I can do this job alone!” You flinch at him yelling, getting irritated by the fact that he was already tired of his situation. 

That first couple of weeks were just a grace period that fell rapidly, you won't lie that as much as you really did hate being around Jimmy, it brought you so much joy to see him do so much for a group that still saw the relationship as transactional. 

Jimmy needed that status, that pompous dick needed that title to make him feel better about it all. You believed that he truly lost his marbles in that crash, you think everyone has, everyone's on edge for the soul fact that a company, who's just fired all its members, has crashed and they won't spend anyone to come and retrieve this band of useless employees that just sucked money out of a company that constantly demanded more and more work. You sighed, watching as Jimmy crumbled underneath the pressure, and he turned to you with this sorrowful look on his face, “Please, F/N, you know I need your help in what Curly's left me with…” You scoff at him, “You decided to take responsibility, you could've let Swansea take over, but no! You needed to be just like Curly, it's honestly fucking–” You watched as the man shrinked before you, and you almost felt bad for this everyman with nothing ahead of him besides this job, it's pathetic and yet you find yourself sighing as you try to muster up some advice for this man so he doesn't drive this group into the bigger hole that you'd already been dug into thanks to Curly.

To say you were shocked by Curly crashing was most definitely not on your bingo card for whatever the hell happened after firing, in fact, it made no sense as to why he would even want to crash in the first place when he had so much going for him after it. You're not surprised, given that Jimmy and he were friends, but to go this extreme? “Oh, Jimmy. It's okay, it's going to be okay, you're going to do an amazing job as Captain and I heavily doubt you're going to fuck this up worse than Curly has but then against you can't crash the ship again.” You snicker only to be met by Jimmy grabbing the collar of your uniform, you hiss as your hands look for Curly's bed for stability and you look up into Jimmy's eyes whose hair covers bits of his eyes as he just stares at you, “You need to treat me better if you're gonna work alongside me.” 

The glazed-over eyes were thanks to the exhaustion of his self-appointed position. They're hollow and soulless, the once-pity you held for him now washed away by the realization of what he actually was. “You get that? Don't you? Y'know what you're supposed to do and what's going to happen if you don't do it?” The grip on your collar makes your eyes widen, and you feel the tips of your toes hold onto any feelings of the floor as you're dragged up to Jimmy's eye level. “Let fucking go of me.” You bare your teeth at the man and he does the same back, “When you fucking understand what I fucking need from you, do not pity me like some fucking child, you have to support me not coddle me.” You roll your eyes at his behavior, “Oh, please, tell me how hard it is to the job you've been watching Curly do for fucking years!” Jimmy drops you instantly, and you find yourself stumbling, reaching for support from Curly’s table before you hear the door open. 

You gasp for air and you feel the imprint of Jimmy's fist on your throat had most definitely left some type of bruise, you reach for your collar and hiss, “You stretched it, asswipe!” “Oh, F/N, you're in here too?” You perk up, making your way from behind Jimmy to see Anya with a smile on her face, but her eyes wide and in shock, you're embarrassed by the scene before you, and quickly shake your hands. “Hey, Nurse Anya!” You giddily make your way over to her before Jimmy grabs the back of your uniform and pulls you back, you stumble a bit, and you only meet her halfway before Jimmy speaks up. “Anya, I was just about to call a meeting for us, I wanna discuss getting to the cargo.” You look up at Jimmy with a raised brow, “Why didn't you tell me that?” “Guess you just got too busy running your mouth to listen to me. Next time, if you're quiet, someone will take the time to learn about your opinion on things.” You cross your arms, “Oh? What's that supposed to mean?” Jimmy sneers, that same fucking sneer he's been doing whenever he says something so ignorant and has to explain the more stupid ideals that support his illogical statement. 

“If you were more like Anya, I would've taken you more seriously.” You bark out a laugh at him, “Like I'd give a shit if some sorry excuse for a captain doesn't see me as the model worker. At the end of the day, you appointed me your co-captain, so let me know when you need your so-called ‘support’.” You spat, waving him off as you made your way out of Medbay, “See you at the meeting, Anya.” You muttered, not with malicious intentions, but Jimmy’s existence did nothing but make you irritated…besides, Anya would ask one of you to feed Curly his pills if you stayed longer…

That experience alone tops all your beatings from childhood. 

It doesn't take long before you're all summoned to the table, Jimmy wraps up his argument, "Anyone else would do the same thing." It comes to no surprise that Swansea doesn’t agree, “We ain’t touching the damn cargo. The hold is locked down for a reason. The only thing worse than dyin’ slowly is not gettin’ paid.” Anya interjects, "But it could be something useful. I think–” “Could be what? Hopes, dreams, and marzipan? Hah!" You speak up, “Don't knock down Anya.” The group directs their attention to you, “There's most definitely something in that cargo that's going to help us out because I strongly doubt I'm ready to die for this piece of shit of a company just because you can't see beyond the pay.” Swansea argued, “Of course you're not worried about being paid, some of us are adults with their own families to worry about, you don't even call your mother–” “I'm so sorry? Who the fuck told you all that?” The older man clears his throat before crossing his arms, “Captain Curly, he said you were having a hard time and to let you breathe! But from where I'm lookin’, you're nothing more than a pessimistic broad.” “Bite me, old man!”

Jimmy slams his hand on the table, drawing the attention of the group. Anya mumbles under her breath as she crosses her arms, “You don’t have to…” “If it helps us survive, it’s worth it.” Daisuke playfully groans at the thought, “Man. Pony Express bosses really aren’t chill at all, huh?” The young man then turns to the older one, with the biggest puppy dog eyes you’d ever seen, you feel your heart swell ten times its size as you look away from the scene to hide your flushed face. “C’mon. A quick look won’t hurt.” Swansea scoffs at the boy, "How exactly is this group therapy committee planning on gettin’ in there?” Anya lets out an exasperated sigh, and you join her, it felt like talking to a more bearable Jimmy, it seemed like Daisuke was the only one who was willing to work along with everyone. “Oh, right here, boss!” The young man then gestures to himself, flipping his hair with a coy grin, "You’re looking at the meanest swing of the regional junior baseball team!” Daisuke then turned his body towards you, the seating arrangement was apparent to the group as you sat closest to the person you worked with, well, not you and Jimmy, since you both sat at the opposite ends of the table with Anya and Daisuke sitting at either side and Swansea sitting next to Daisuke. 

“You remember when I straight up corked a kid, F/N?” 

The look in his eyes felt off You probably looked too deep into it, but you missed those honey colored orbs that shined like the sun. You rolled your eyes at his behavior, just trying to hide the grin pulling up on your face, with you planting the lower half of your face in your hand. “God, that kid’s black eye must’ve lasted him months.” Daisuke smiled, “Exactly! If I got ahold on that utility axe and–" Swansea immediately shut shit down,  “You were goddamn born fully corked!” Jimmy lets out an exhausted sigh. "That’s enough, Swansea.” The man pinches the bridge of his nose, “There has to be an 'in case of emergency' way inside.” There’s a moment of silence in the group before Anya immediately perks up, “If I remember correctly from the safety protocols…The doors should have an alternate access code. But it can only be uncovered using a code scanner device.” You smacked your teeth, “Curly’s the only one who had that scanner.” “Of course! Go ahead and ask him all about it then. Maybe he’ll sing ya the blues too!” You and Anya let out another shared sigh, “We don’t need him if we find the scanner, get the code, and open the hold.  For better or worse, I’m captain now.” You and Anya looked at each other. “I’ll figure it out.” Jimmy notices your held gaze and quickly snaps his hand to gain your attention, you're mad it works, “The co-captain and I will go search for it, two heads are better than one.” 

“I can help too!” 

Everyone’s attention is turned to Daisuke, they look to him, awaiting for someone to say something, you hope it’s you, “I don't think so, Daisuke. I think both of us got it handled, don’t we?” You want to disagree, you really, really, do, but when the insult was conjured in your mind, you immediately thought back to what happened in the Medbay.

You look to Daisuke, “Captain’s orders.” 

With that, the group dispersed. 

You look around the lounge area, and the sleeping areas established by the group were not the worst, better than the blankets from the quarters. You didn’t mind Swansea’s snoring or Daisuke’s video games, honestly, the company has been keeping you from officially going nuclear. You’re thankful for the background noise that awaits you, and you were overjoyed to find everyone confiding in each other, well, except for Jimmy. You were his personal diary and punching bag. Verbally or physically? Who's to say? “We should probably check in on everyone after such a frustrating meeting, don't you think?” Jimmy raises a brow, “We should just go look for the scanner and see what the hell we’re lifting.” “Y’know, Captain, it’s hard to provide support to make you a better captain when you don’t follow it.” “That’s advice…” You almost snap at him, “Support is advice? Have you ever had anyone be genuinely nice to you in your life?” 

You’re not surprised if not, with the way he just beat you into playing his PR, “Fine. Who do we talk to first?” You head begins to head over to Daisuke, “Oh, you wanna talk, Daisuke?” “You’re the one who told him he couldn’t come with us, it’s best we do damage control for that before we  do anything else, you failed excuse of a captain.” Jimmy immediately brings his large hand to your forehead and flicks it, his rough hands from working the job and weightlifting on make the impact hurt more and those scraggly nails nick it just to leave you with a sting for you to remind yourself when you wanna talk shit.

The two of you make your way over to Daisuke, who’s sitting next to the screen. Daisuke perks up at your sight, but his tail sways lowly as he notices Jimmy by your side. “Looks like it’ll be soup again for dinner. You guys wanna rock paper scissors for the chicken noodle?” “I called that shit yesterday so watch ya’ mouth.” Daisuke snickers, his cheeks heighten to make his eyes smile lovingly at you, “How much food do we have left?” Jimmy asks with Daisuke answering with the uncertainty as his eyes stay on you, “I’d say like, 4 months-ish?” “Damn, what’s the air supply left on us?” Jimmy hums, “Less than the remaining air supply, but we can make it last. In theory. We’ll be starting to poke new holes in our belts pretty soon to pull that off.” You scoff at that, “Damn, sorry about your bulking.” Daisuke rolls his eyes, “Man. My mom will straight up stuff me when I get back. I’ll look like Swansea!” You hold back your laughter with a big, toothy smile, “We’ll have a rad story to tell though. They might even write articles about us. We could be on TV!” Silence fills the air, and you elbow Jimmy immediately as Daisuke tilts his head, awaiting a response,  "Uh, it’ll impress the ladies too." You fake gag at the two, “What a couple of sluts, looking for the attention of women.” You snicker, and Daisuke’s quick to interject, “If I make it out of here, I’ll be so popular–Someone on my arm to comfort me after all this.” 

You're beating down newfound feelings like Jimmy’s taught you. 

From what you gathered in Swansea and Daisuke’s relationship, it’s obvious he’s just a follower looking for his mentor. Daisuke is proud to be around Swansea, that he could single-handedly fix the ship if you guys find spare parts. You find it adorable, and you admire him for his expression, whilst he admires his old man.

After parting ways from Daisuke, Jimmy is quick to comment, “You two were chummy.” You scoff, you can’t believe he’s pulling that bullshit when you just did what he asked. You smack your tongue against the roof of your mouth as the two of you walk off, “Let's just go look for the scanner.”

The first clue to finding the scanner came from Daisuke, who tells you that Anya’s been on that manual like it was her holy scriptures. As you walk your med by all that surrounds the area, all the forms fill around the area, giving you the grim reminder of how close you all were to death. As the medical door slides open, your mat with Anya standing near Curly's body as he lies motionless on the cot. You notice the vent that's been covered up by the blue medical dividers, Jimmy’s quick to lull you, “Swansea says the vent is fried.” You roll your eyes before finding the smile on your face upon seeing Anya, “Howdy Nurse Anya, how's the patient?” You chirp, your giddy expression almost tears her down with a small twinge in the corner of her lips as she's met with your colorful face. “Well, Co Captain, [L/N], he doesn’t want to keep still anymore." "What about the painkillers?" Jimmy interjects, "He – It just hurts him so much. I can’t stand the noise." Anya sighs, and your face falls with hers. "...You did make it through nursing school, right? Pony Express sure does know how to cut corners, if nothing else." You elbow him, and the silence in the room fills the area.

You're embarrassed by Jimmy's existence, you're sure his mother feels the same way. “Do you think you have any idea where the scanner is?” You ask, you try to save face, but with Jimmy, all you can do is bare your teeth and accept your fate. "Um, I was thinking... we never went back into the cockpit after we dragged him out." Jimmy is quick to cut in,  "It’s almost entirely foamed up. Kind of a miracle Curly didn’t end up fossilized. But it could still be unstable."  "I just think, well, it’s the only place the code scanner could still be." You nod your head, “Anya’s right, we're shit out of luck if we don't at least check.” Jimmy crosses his arms, unsure of your certain decision making, nonetheless, Anya is thrilled you listened to her. "I know you’ll both figure it out. You’re both so capable!" You feel this large smile on your face, "Oh, also… well, uhm…” “Whatever it is, Anya, we gotcha!” You chirp, Jimmy gives you a harsh glare, before Anya continues. 

“I was hoping one of you could help me with Captain–" "Curly." Jimmy sneers, Anya’s reaction is obvious, and you look concerned for a moment before turning to Jimmy with a glare, "Right, sorry ...w-with Curly’s medication?" You feel this feeling begin to build up in your chest, and it's similar to swallowing cement; you couldn't fathom doing something like that again after the first time when Jimmy faked being asleep, you're pained by the idea, and you couldn't face her.  "People have to be worth their titles. Don’t you think, nurse Anya?" You look down at your shoes, you feel the hurt in Anya’s voice as she replies, "...Y-yeah. Forget I asked." 

Jimmy notices you both with your heads down; he's embarrassed by the sight of you not even speaking up, but when it came to cussing him out and telling him what to do, you were all over him. The man lets out a disgusted sigh, “I'll take care of it.” Anya’s head perks up, you hear her breath hitch in relief, and your head stays down in embarrassment. "A-are you gonna feed Curly his meds? He really suffers without them…" "Yeah, yeah." Jimmy grumbles, you hear his footsteps begin to soften as he snatches up the painkillers on her desk, they’re the only remnants of medicine that's left on the Tuplar, he makes his way over to Curly’s body, "His bandages are also looking… wet.” Anya sighs, "I know…We’re out of fresh ones." That's when Jimmy’s footsteps become louder, you feel his presence all around you, and you're assured that it's him the moment he puts his hand on your shoulder, “I believe it's your turn, Co-Captain.” You can feel your heart drop to your arse, you pull up your head from the floor to face the man as he looks at you with a small smile, “Remember, I did it last time when you got scared at the noises.” 

Jimmy reaches for your hand and opens your palm, and plants the pills into your hand. The rattling doesn't do you justice, as it only knocks down any confidence you had before. You feel your pupils dilate, the dash from Jimmy to the pills and Curly, your hands begin to tremble, and Jimmy's smile only becomes wider at the sensation.

“Well, get to it.” Jimmy breezes past you and out of the Med-Bay. “I'll be looking for the scanner.” 

There you are, the pills in your hands and Curly's eye just staring you down, Anya doesn't even lift her head to look at you, you know it sickens her, and you feel your heart come to a stop with the only sound filling your ears is his labored breathing.  As you pop off the cap, the sound signals to Anya, like a gun being shot to start the race, to leave the area with urgency. “Excuse me, sorry!”  You listen as her shoes become a distant thought, the adrenaline that spikes in you doesn't even allow the memory of her comfort, you take out the pill and open up Curly's mouth. The skin is like leather. Instinctively, he closes his mouth, and you feel his jagged teeth run across your skin, you feel your stomach about to leap out of your throat, but you continue. You use your fingers to slide the pill down his throat, as you listen to him choke and his gummy mouth surrounds your fist, the soup begins to clog your throat, and your pursed lips are its only barrier against it.

You wouldn't allow yourself to hurt Curly more by vomiting on him.

Once you were done with Curly, he stared back up at you, you don't know if he can blink or if his eyelids have been burned off by the impact, but the look in his eyes was enough to make you weak in the knees. You're planted still, the vomit that surrounded your feet was similar to cement, and as Curly looked up at you when you looked down at him, you could do nothing more but accept your fate. You buried your teeth at the idea of having to see Jimmy, and he couldn't fathom being around anybody who would make you something like this. “Why did you do this, Curly?” You spoke, your cough up noodle chunks and wipe your face, “I just–I just don't see why you'd do this to me? I have to go with that fucking psychopath everywhere, then I can't even talk to one person I want to because of him, and now I can't even stand being in the room with my one and only friend on this ship because of you.” You feel the hot tears in your eyes begin to build up, they're scorching, and you try to blink them away, but you know these tears aren't meant to coddle you through this. You begin to wipe against your face, these tears continue to burn, and they continue to run like a faucet, and it leaves you with nothing but to continue wiping your face, your palms press deeper into your sockets and you find your nails grazing your skin as you try to get them all off. You claw away at your face, the exhausted sighs that left you once before now turned into noises filled with anguish and resentment, you're starting to yell before you bring your hands onto the bed that held Curly, and slamming your fists against it.

“You fucking did this!” You shouted, Curly had no choice but to bear witness to the redness in your eyes, the spit that came flying, and the anger in your face as he looked at you. “I'm fucking stuck here because of you! It's all–” You slam your hands against the bed before your foot, then kick at the legs that held it up, you repeated these actions with heavy grunts, leaving you before you let out a sharp grunt and backed away from the bed. You looked down at Curly, he felt the shadow over your face contradicting the light that shines above it. 

You look away from the man in relief. The door is left wide open, and in your view, you can see Anya huddle up on the floor, shaking from the sounds. As much as you feel for her, you also hate the fact that you had to do this, that it had to come to this.  "Why do you think he did it?” Anya’s voice shakes, "I have to believe that our worst moments don’t make us monsters, [F/N]...I have to. . .Even in his case.”  Anya hears your labored breath, the exhaustion from the noises that emanate from you left Anya with this gnawing feeling that you were just as sick of doing this as Jimmy was.

The sounds of you wrestling with inanimate objects left her with sharp pain down her spine as she's met with your anguished gaze. 

Even though you said nothing, she pulled herself up, "...I’m still feeling nauseous." The woman fixed her posture and spoke, "I need a minute.” 

With that, you were left alone.

You make your way through the hallway and then down the stairs. You pass Anya, who stands in front of the door that bears the cargo, and you watch her head fall to avoid eye contact. You feel the pain in your chest as you continue to walk by, your words stay in your throat to try and explain your situation, let her know it's not her fault, that all this stress has gotten to you and you were about to reach your boiling point–Those fearful brown eyes looked to you like a fawn. You could do nothing as you breezed past her and found Jimmy and Swansea speaking.  “You think I’m letting that knucklehead in here after the crash roughed it up? Our so-called nurse nearly skewered her leg when the vent hatch was open during maintenance. And that was before the crash.” You feel anger from the way Swansea talks about people, he's almost like your mother in that regard. The way he complains about everybody's ignorance while holding himself higher than anyone else, it disgusts you to be around him when he talks about people that way. You think back to your mother talking about the dead-end job she's worked just to keep you and her afloat, how tirelessly she works for people who don't care about her, and so on. 

You can't stand him.

Yet, you do enjoy when he picks on Jimmy, you believe that all those on the Tuplar share that experience with the engineer. 

"I warned her, but it’s in one ear and out the other. Same with your little Co-Captain, we all gotta walk on eggshells ‘cause you and Curly practically worked them half to death.” The man then groans,  “Then there’s that teeny bopper thinkin’ only with his downstairs longnose. Just like my useless kids back home. So, no. Ain’t lettin’ anyone mess around in here." Jimmy goes silent, as you make your presence known, the two look at you with a dismissive stare. “You feed Curly his pills?” You nod, “Silent? What? Mad I made you do your job?” You can't even fathom putting any energy into Jimmy’s thought process; you just answer him, “No, just tired is all.” Jimmy winces at your breath, “Jesus, you need to learn how to keep it all in when you have to do your job. You're practically just wasting food. Nobody wants to follow behind a co-captain who can't even get through even the toughest times.”

You look at the two and straighten your posture, “Of course, Captain.” There's a silence that falls between the three of you, and in response, Swansea perks up, “Still on my break. Bad back and all, yeah? Don’t need any supervision, Captain.” Jimmy begins to make his way from Swansea, and you follow behind just like you were always intended to, and with one sliding door and another and another, finally find yourselves back in the cockpit that started it all. You both are quick to find the code scanner, a blinking purple fluorescent light that fills the small area, and you see the way it highlights the vomit on your shoes. 

You pick it up and show Jimmy, who takes it from your palm hastily, he examines it, then looks at you, “How long were you standing there?” “Not too long.” Jimmy rolls his eyes. “What's wrong with you?” You look into Jimmy’s uncaring gaze, and it only hardens at the way you respond to him, “You giving me the silent treatment for making you do your job?” “Nothing's wrong.” The man’s tongue smacks the roof of his mouth, “No, it seems like there is, I don't need you holding some type of grudge like a child, you're my Co-Captain and when I tell you to do a job you do it, I don't need you on my back alongside everyone else.” 

“Oh, Captain, please feed Curly his pills! Captain, what are we gonna eat? Capitano, I'm not letting you in the utility room because you're never gonna be as good as the actual captain. Do any of you appreciate what I'm doing? No! I do this all for the ship, and for the last 2 months I've been doing everything! The one time I asked my Co-Captain to do something, they shuddered, and got scared, they put their head down and thought “Oh, I don't want to do it, guess I'll make Captain Jimmy do everything!” That's when Jimmy smacked the code scanner against the back of your skull. You had put your head down and closed your eyes in hopes your imagination would make you feel better. Your hands rush to cradle your skull only to find Jimmy’s hands fly to where he hit you and, while clenching the back of your scalp, pull you up to face him. “I don’t like doing this, but it seems like you guys don’t know how to act without me having to be like this?  You, Swansea, Daisuke, Anya–It’s like you all don’t see how hard I’m working.”

Your breath hitches, groaning and sniffling at the pain. “I've been doing my best to make sure you haven't had to do anything, so I could be nice, caring, and respectful–Unlike Curly–He tried to take us all down with him, [F/N]. The way I see it, there are two reasons to keep him alive at this point. Guess the important bit is that we all agreed to it. For one reason or another.” The man huffs, “It's one thing to get him wrapped up and then give him the pills he needs so badly to make sure we don't have to hear him crying and wailing out from something he did to himself…to us.” Jimmy let go of your head. You reach back to cradle it, and you look at him with these sunken eyes. He knows you're tired of this treatment, but he knows you have nothing to do outside of it. 

You are stuck with him.

The door then slides open, and you follow him. There's a silence that surrounds the two of you as you make your way back to the cargo hold and find the rest of your crewmates surrounding the door. They notice the code scanner, and Daisuke is quick to ask about what's being shipped. He continues and explains that if you guys had parts, then Swansea and he could fix the ship and be home free. 

Swansea tells him to ‘Quit Yapping.’

You're irritated by Swansea's dismissive nature, nonetheless, there's nothing in you to fight right now. Swansea is quick to tell you both to get it started already, and Anya is alongside him in that regard. With that, Jimmy's off. You feel your heart race at the sea of boxes that await you. Jimmy points to the boxes, “Go get one and open it.” He commands you, like a Pokémon. You just nod and make your way over to the box; it's a lot heavier than you expected, and you pray it's some canned food or water or anything to get you out of this mess. 

Your breath hitches, the sound of the cardboard rubbing against each other kills you, and the sight before you continues to penetrate your wound. You pick up the blue bottle and are met with…mouthwash? Your voice box falls out of your mouth, your hands shaking as you hold the bottle in your hand, your other hand comes to cradle it, and your head tilts in confusion. 

“[F/N]? What is it?” 

Silence is the only answer. The group makes their way over to you, and they're just as shocked as you are. “It's... this is…” “Mouthwash?” Anya and Jimmy are flooded with fear, Swansea is irritated, “Un-fucking-believable.” Daisuke is in awe, his head rises to see the hundreds of other boxes in storage, “There's gotta be an ocean of the stuff in here! This room looks freakin' endless!” You continue to look at this bottle, the smallest part in your mind prays this is just a fever dream and that you'd wake up back at home in your bed from such a nonsensical thing. “This is what they'd have five people hauling for over a year? All of this…” “For fucking mouthwash?!” The group flinches away from you.

Anya looks at the back of the liquid while you shiver in anger, “The sugar content probably offsets any potential as a disinfectant…” “Disinfectant? What are you- Let me see that!” Swansea snatches the bottle from Anya and looks over the contents, “14% Ethanol–Hahahahahah!" You all lift your heads to look at Swansea, Daisuke awkwardly shares in the laugh, “Aaaha...ha?  I s'pose we'll smell good at least...?” 

Swansea smiles, a rare sighting to you all as he turns to Daisuke,  “That's right, kiddo! You can bet your ass on that!” The old man wastes no second as he brings the mouthwash to his lips. 

Anya immediately freaks out,  “W-what are you doing?! Stop that!” 

You're all in awe as he takes down about half of the bottle, with a satisfying pop. Swansea holds a look of relief on his face, “Whew-whee! Ohhh, shut up. I'm just an ol' codger taking care of his dental hygiene. You hear that? That's the sound of 15 years of sobriety popping like a cyst. A glorious, magnificent, red-hot cyst! Good riddance and cheers! To Captain Curly! Hear, hear!” Daisuke tried to lighten the mood, “Guess anyone could get seriously blasted off of this stuff, heh.”Jimmy shoots it down, “Yeah, and kill you in the process.” “This can't be real. I - There's no way…” Anya buries her face in her palms,  “Now we can go out in style!” Swansea cheers before turning back to his intern, “Daisuke! Come here! Anyone ever teach ya how to drink like a man?”

The commotion is nothing more than blurred background noise to you, it slowly falls in and nothing, and as you go, cradle that bottle of mouthwash, you think back on everything that's led you here. From those late nights studying, those extracurriculars, dressing up to appease your mother, the parties you missed, the friends you were forced to make, the people you had to be around–You look to this bottle and it's glow become bright, it emanated like the sun and you try to pull your eyes from it, but you couldn't. Its shine had this unnatural hold on you; you looked to Swansea’s hand, and it glowed as well, and the whole box became a pillar of hope for you. Your dominant hand finds its Way to the top, pushing down and twisting the white cap off with a satisfying pop. You think back on those responsibilities you once had.

Your purpose on Earth was to work diligently for your mother until the day you died, doing everything to appease her as her second chance at not being the disgrace she was in this world. You think back on all those memories, and in each bottle there was you dancing, screaming lyrics, sneaking out at night, going to concerts, getting tattoos and piercings, dying your hair wild colors, and being with people that made you happy. Those memories got louder, and louder, and louder…You look at the mouthwash once more, and with zero hesitation, you take the bottle and begin chugging it. You try to take down the drink faster, your heart Anya winces in response, and Swansea cheers for you, “Drink! Drink! Drink!” Jimmy shouts at you, “[F/N]! Stop!” The man lunges at you and knocks the drink out of your hand, “[F/N], that stuff is going to kill you!” You choke and gag, coughing a bit before going back to the peppermint burning your throat. 

“What the fuck, Jimmy!?” You snap, “You're Co-Captain, you need to take responsibility in situations like this, just because Swansea’s turning his back on this team to go get drunk doesn't mean you can too.” You roll your eyes, “Aren’t we fucking fired? Who gives a shit other than you?” You stumble a bit in the split liquid, and Jimmy takes the time to degrade you, “Look at you, you can't even take responsibility for your position, immediately running to get drunk! You're pathetic!” You bark out a laugh, “Me!? Pathetic!? You're the one needing to hold onto a role like some desperate loser! You're the pathetic one!” Swansea smiles, putting his bottle of mouthwash up in the air, “Yeah, you tell'im, kid!” “I don't have to sit here and do whatever you tell me–I never needed to do that in the first place because…who am I to…you for you to be demanding all this of me!” You're a bit embarrassed by your thought process, you wonder how long it's been since you've had alcohol, and you think back to your talk with your mom that led you down this path.

You fix your gaze on Jimmy, his eyes are almost the same as your mother's, that creasing his eyebrow and that disappointed scowl only fueling your thoughts of annoyance and irritation, you hold the stare down. It doesn't last long, your perception of time conflicted with your feelings, as he's quick to fix his posture, all he can do is cross his arms and make his way out of the room.

“Have fun drinking yourselves to death!” 

You watch as he leaves, your body feels lighter, and all this gray haze turns into this right red that's been awaiting you. Your life all viewed in the third person now allows you to take full control, you turn back to the group with Anya with a disapproving look, “[F/N]...” You look at Anya, the smile on your face staying glued to your face as you reach for another bottle, “Anya…” You match her shallow tone, you take off the cap and begin to go to town on the bottle, Swansea is quick to cheer you on once more, whilst Anya makes her way out of the cargo hold. This drink fills you in ways that contradict its taste, with Swansea egging you on and Daisuke slowly easing his way in, you find the comfort you were looking for in this internship once more…