#ouats5e1

Then we got the ominous title card that said it six weeks later and boom, Granny’s landed back in Storybrooke with everyone in AMAZING COSTUMES! You know, I had spent the whole episode inwardly congratulating the show on finally retiring the memory wipe device they’ve used the last four seasons, but WHUP looks like everyone’s memory had gotten wiped... again! Oh boy. Like, that anyone out of this bunch manages to stand upright after this many mental outages is a the most magical thing of all at this point. The last six weeks, from the moment we last saw them walking into Medieval Times, was erased from their brains.

Eventually Emma just flat out ran out of patience and ripped Merida’s heart right out of her chest, and then Hook skipped out from behind a henge-stone and was like, “WAIT NO STOP” and a very unenthusiastic Emma was like, “How did you even get here?” and Hook was like (verbatim quote), “It doesn’t matter.” LOL LOL LOL. Talk about a thesis statement for the whole series. Also Emma didn’t even seem surprised to see Hook. Just tired. Just so very, very tired. And Hook was just there hand-waving and appearing out of nowhere exactly where she was somehow like, “You know, there was some bullshit with a knick knack and we opened a portal like we have the last 18 times and here we are standing in tableau.” I mean, it really cracked me up. And then Hook really had his moment where he was like, “Don’t kill this random redhead, don’t let the Darkness win, you can do this, we’re all here watching and judging you.” And Snow was like, “Or we could just command her not to kill this person,” and Hook was like, “No, I’m suddenly an expert on this. It has to be her choice,” and Emma was like, “Ugh, fine I won’t kill her.”

Dark Rumple watched from a distance and made some joke about Merida’s accent which, when you think about it, I wonder if Robert Carlyle actually finds Merida’s character like vaguely offensive on some level? I mean, it’s like if Gerard Depardieu was in a scene with another actor who was wearing a beret and a striped shirt hitting someone upside the head with a baguette and a wine bottle while screaming, “Non non mes saucissons!” Or not who knows? Maybe he’s one of the dozens of people who saw Brave.

Anyway, with the cyclone about to sweep them all to hell and/or Fairy Tale land, suddenly the dwarves came in and demanded to be involved in this season’s main storyline. And Snow was like, “IDGAF, me and Charming are bringing my newborn baby. Sure, hop on in we weren’t trying to protect you by not telling you about this shit we just forgot you existed.” Then everyone held on tight to Granny’s as the cyclone lifted everyone up into the sky. Quick question: is there anyone left in Storybrooke who isn’t part of our Baker’s Dozen of heroes? Granny’s looked pretty empty, though maybe there was someone in the back booth who was like, “Whoops looks like I’m soaring through time and space right now with 12 of the dumbest people in town and Regina, this should be fun.”

Regina made everyone go to Granny’s and whipped out Emma’s blanket and explained that by harnessing the psychic power of Emma’s blanket she could change the course of the cyclone. Which, like, how did Regina even know about this blanket? Did Emma tell her about that blanket? Did she GIVE her the blanket? And then Regina got this moony face while holding the blanket and was like, “I’ll have to use this since I can’t very well use her yellow bug.”