#otterinspace

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Karen bit her bottom lip. Her eyes darted from her shaking hands to Matt’s face in the doorway.

"Matt, please. Don’t leave."

Matt’s heart sunk in his chest. He didn’t want to leave her here. But he had to go to work, what else could he do?

"I’m sorry Kaz," he said, "I’ll come home as soon as I can, okay? They need me on set today. I’ll keep my phone with me though." Matt lifted Karen’s chin and kissed her.

"Please be safe. I love you."

He stepped outside and closed the door gently behind him.

Karen got up from the couch and made her way over to the bathroom. She turned on the water and started to take off her clothes. Her hand tugged at the rubber band in her hair, which frankly seemed to be the only thing in her life that was actually being held together. She took off her shirt, pants, and underwear and dropped them on the floor. Karen ran her fingers through her hair and stepped into the shower.

Karen closed her eyes and let the water rush over her. Blinking, she reached for the soap and lathered her body with it. She rinsed off and grabbed the shampoo from the little rack in the corner. Karen turned and let the water pour over her front while she massaged the shampoo into her hair. She dug into her nails into her scalp until it hurt and then rinsed everything away. Karen didn’t care for a repeat.

She stood underneath the shower head for ten more minutes welcoming the water’s attention and letting her mind wander away from bitter reality. Karen’s hand reached for the handle and turned it slowly, letting every temperature from erupting Hawaiian volcano to frozen Antarctic ice sheet shower over her.

When the water stopped, Karen stepped out of the shower and wrapped her towel around her. She wrung out her dripping hair in the sink and left a trail of water on the floor as she walked to her bedroom.

Karen lay on the bed for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she got up, took out a pair of pajamas from her dresser, and put them on. Then she climbed back into bed and fell asleep.

Karen felt like shit. All the memories of her miscarriage seemed to suddenly flood back to her. She turned on her side and started to cry.

Matt held his phone nervously. Don’t panic, don’t panic. Everything’s fine. She’s okay. Maybe she’s in the shower or something, she’s fine. He looked back down at his phone. He’d called her ten times throughout the day. Nothing. Matt could feel his anxiety kicking in and was starting to get really nervous. Just call her one more time. Then try Arthur. Then you can panic, Matt told himself.

Karen’s phone buzzed on the table by her bed. She wiped the tears from her face and reached for the phone. Her eyes blinked open. Matt. She pressed Talk.

"Kaz." Matt sighed a breath of relief. "Hello? Are you okay?"

Karen sat up, “Hey Matt. Yeah, yeah I’m fine,” she said quickly.

Matt could tell she’d been crying. He frowned, “I called you ten times and you didn’t pick up, are you sure you’re alright?”

"Yeah, no, I’m fine. I just took a short nap that’s all."

Matt was skeptical but he let it slide. He’d talk more when he got home.

"I’ll see if I can come back soon. I’ll talk with the director. Hey Kaz, don’t forget to eat." Just then, Matt was called for a second take on the scene they were shooting. "Sorry Kaz, I’ve gotta go. Bye!"

Karen sighed. “Bye.”

She let the phone fall limply from her hand and turned onto her other side. What time was it? Karen looked up at the clock. 2:45.

She got out of bed and walked to the kitchen groggily. She opened the fridge and closed it. And opened the pantry and closed it. Then she tried the freezer. She settled for ice cream. Karen grabbed a large spoon from the drawer and carried the carton and spoon to the couch. She switched on the TV but put it on mute and sat, eating her ice cream until there wasn’t anymore left.

"Karen you have to let your body push."

"Just breathe Karen, you’ll be okay."

"Deep breaths, deep breaths, shh…you’ll be alright."

The spoon and carton dropped to the floor. Karen stood up quickly, her face and fists turning as red as her hair. She kicked the sofa and threw a pillow into the kitchen. The glass on the counter shattered. Karen slid her hands over the table, knocking over everything in her way. She picked up the carton and spoon and chucked them as far as she could. She heard the clatter of the spoon landing in the hallway. Tears streaming down her face, Karen ran to the guest bedroom and shoved the closet door open. She bent over slowly to pick up a small cardboard box in the corner. Karen walked with it to the center of the room and sank to the floor.

"Kaz, I’m home!" Matt walked in the door. He could hear crying. Oh Karen. He hung up his scarf and grabbed a glass of water from the kitchen, ignoring the mess on the floor and stepping carefully around the broken shards.

Matt hadn’t been in the guest bedroom for ages, but the room had already gotten a crib and a mobile. Karen was crying on the floor with a box of baby clothes in her arms.

He took he box out of her hands. “C’mere.” Matt wrapped his arms around her. “It’s okay, let it out.” Matt stroked her hair as she buried her face into his chest.

"Sorry," Karen wiped her eyes with her hand, "I’m sorry."

Matt shook his head, “No, you’re okay. It’s fine. Wanna talk?” He paused, “I’m sorry for leaving you alone. I think I’ll ask for a few more days off, is that okay?”

As much as Karen wanted him here, she knew he had to go to work.

"No, no they need you on set. I’ll be okay. Maybe you can come home earlier or get there later but go. They need you."

Matt nodded, “Okay. Do you want to talk about anything? I know I was gone for three months and a lot of stuff happened. We haven’t really had time to talk about it. You wanna do it now? Hmm? Kaz?”

Karen buried her face deeper and deeper into Matt’s chest. She was breathing hard, trying to keep herself from crying again.

Matt steadied himself and rubbed her back as she lay on him.

"Karen do you want some water?" Matt asked. She lifted her head and took the glass from Matt’s hand. Matt watched her as she drank the water. Her eyes were red and her face was blotchy. The hair near her face was wet and tangled and her shirt was wet too.

She handed the glass back to him. Matt took it and put it on the floor. He hugged her and stood up.

"Come on," he told her, holding out his hand, "Let’s go somewhere else."

She took his hand and followed him out the room.

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Matt stayed with Karen the entire morning after a long talk with the director, telling him that he had family problems to work out and that he couldn’t get to work until later in the day.

He woke up before Karen did and decided to make her breakfast again. Maybe this time they’d actually get to eat it.

Matt walked into the kitchen, completely forgetting about the mess. A sharp pain cut into his foot. He lifted it and saw he was standing on broken glass. Carefully, Matt went back to the bedroom for a band aid. He grabbed one from the first aid kit in the closet and closed the door as he exited the room.

Matt hadn’t looked at the room closely yesterday but now he could see what a mess Karen had made. He sighed and started cleaning. He mopped up the broken glass and vacuumed the area. Then he picked up the empty ice cream carton and threw it away. He looked at the bare table sadly, with the realization that he had to pick up everything that used to be on it. Matt bent over and picked up the newspapers and the candles. He set those on the table. Then he picked up the photo frames, thankfully not broken, and the little glass birds, cracked. He grabbed Karen’s books from the floor and placed them next to the candles. Then he plugged the receiver back into the outlet and set it on the table, placing the phone with it. Karen walked into the room with the spoon in her hand.

"Sorry…" She said quietly, her words uneasy.

"It’s alright. What do you want for breakfast?" Matt asked with a smile, taking the spoon from her and putting it in the sink.

"I dunno. Don’t feel like eating…" Karen replied.

"You have to eat something. And something more than just a tub of ice cream," Matt said smirking, "I’ll just get you some toast then."

"Sure." Karen sat at the kitchen table and put her head down on the wood.

Matt tapped her with the piece of bread, “Here, eat up.” She took the toast from him and ate it slowly, taking a little with each bite and letting it sit in her mouth before she swallowed. Matt brought her a glass of orange juice and sat down next to her.

"So…I’ll be leaving in about an hour and come back around 5 ish. Are you okay being by yourself for that long?"

Karen nodded, it didn’t really matter, he had to go anyway.

Matt finished his cereal and watched as Karen still bit into her toast. He rubbed her shoulder and got up to put his dishes in the sink.

An hour passed and Matt left for work. Karen picked up the phone and called her parents in Inverness.

"Hello?"

"Mum?"

"Oh Karen, how’re you doing? Matt called me last week and told me everything. Are you alright?" Marie asked, concerned.

Karen held her breath.

"Karen? I’m sorry darling. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but it might help. I’m here for you, okay? Whenever you need me. I’ll be here."

Karen wiped the tear from her face.

"Thank you."

"…So your father finished writing that football screenplay," her mother said, changing the subject. "And Iain and Caitlin are coming to visit next week. You can come up too, if you’d like. Also there’s a bunch of mail for you here, should I forward them to you or keep them till your next visit?"

Karen and her mother talked until lunch time. Marie hung up when she had to cook, leaving Karen wondering what to do next. She didn’t feel like eating but knew Matt would give her a hard time if she didn’t, so she walked to the kitchen. Karen opened the cupboard and found a box of mac and cheese. She cooked half of it and ate it silently.

After lunch, Karen did the dishes. She walked to the sink overflowing with dirty plates and cups. She took out the sponge from the cabinet below the sink and started cleaning. Karen placed the dishes in the dishwasher when she was done. Then she cleaned the utensils. She wiped the spoons and forks and placed them in the little rack inside the machine. Then she carefully picked up a knife. She turned it over in her hand, the blade sharp and smooth. She ran her finger along the metal edge, longingly. Then she stopped, put the knife in the dishwasher and ran to the bathroom.

The tears were back. It seemed like Karen never stopped crying. What was happening to her?

Karen opened the bottom drawer next to the sink and rummaged through it until she found what she was looking for. She lifted her shirt and pressed the flat side of the blade to her stomach.

The phone rang. Karen jumped and the razor dropped to the floor. She walked to the living room and picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey Kaz, just checking up on you. Did you eat lunch?" Matt asked.

Karen let her breath catch up with her, then replied, “Yeah I made some mac and cheese.”

Matt was relieved, if she was eating, then she was thinking about herself. Things were okay.

"Alright I’ll be home in three hours. Talk to you then. I love you, be safe. Bye!"

Karen dropped the phone on the couch and fell down with it. She lay with her eyes closed for twenty minutes, trying to forget what she had almost just done.

Karen reached between the cushions for the remote and turned on a movie to watch.

Matt knocked on the door as the credits were rolling, and let himself inside.

"Hey Kaz! I’m back. How was your day?" Matt said, surprisingly upbeat. 

Karen didn’t reply, just pointed the remote at the screen.

"Kaz, you need to get out of the house. Let’s go for dinner, are you up for that? We can go to that place on the corner of Baker and Wilson. You’ll love it."

Karen was hesitant but she agreed. “Mm alright.”

"Come on. Get changed. Let’s go go go!" Matt said, grabbing her by the hand and running to the bedroom.

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Matt walked through the restaurant with his arm around Karen’s waist. They got a table for two by the window, all lit up with candles and string lights. Matt pulled out Karen’s chair for her and sat down as she was about to sit in it. Classic Matt. Karen laughed and sat in the other chair across from him. They both looked at their menus for a few minutes before deciding on a filet mignon and a steak. Karen ordered some champagne for the pair of them as well.

As they waited for their food, Matt and Karen looked out the window at the dusty cobbled street, littered with lamp posts and bare December trees. The branches swayed in the wind and people hurried across the pathway.

A pregnant woman walked by. Karen averted her eyes from the window and looked down at the table. Matt shut his eyes. Sorry. He looked at Karen nervously.

After their meals arrived, a family with a baby and two toddlers stopped by the window. They were tying the kids’ shoes and putting heavier coats on them as it started to rain. Karen’s eyes filled with tears. Matt reached across the table and grabbed her hands.

“I’m sorry Kaz. This was a bad idea.” He handed her a napkin and asked for the check.

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Matt opened the door to their flat and Karen ran to the bathroom. Matt felt so guilty. He searched the kitchen for something that might cheer her up. Water? Chocolate? He settled for both and carried them to the bathroom.

Karen slammed the bathroom door. The razor was on the floor, just where she’d dropped it in the afternoon. Karen picked it up and took off her shirt. She ran her hand across her stomach and pressed the sharp end of the blade into her lower abdomen, gliding it across. It burned, but it was a good pain. A tear rolled down Karen’s cheek.

Matt waited outside the bathroom door. He knocked, no reply.

"Karen? I’m sorry." Matt said, as he tried the handle.

The door was unlocked, and he opened it slowly. Karen was standing by the sink with her shirt off. Then he saw the blood and the cut and oh my god Karen was holding a razor.

"What are you doing! Kaz! Stop it." Tears welled up in Matt’s eyes. "Karen please please. What are you doing! Stop! Stop it." Matt begged.

Karen didn’t hear a word Matt was saying. Her gaze was distant, her hands gripping the razor tight. She pulled the blade away from her lower abdomen and held out her left arm. She danced her finger along the length of her arm and then pushed the blade into the skin below her wrist.

"Stop!" Matt screamed. He was frantic, rushing inside the bathroom, not sure what to do. Tears streamed down his face, begging Karen to put the razor down.

She continued cutting herself, letting her body bleed around the touch of the blade’s sharp edge. Matt snatched the razor from Karen’s hand and ran out of the room. He threw it in the trash can and grabbed paper towels, bandages, and the rest of the contents of the first aid kit.

Karen stood motionless. Her eyes shut, leaving her in total darkness and she collapsed to the floor, tears streaming down her face, overwhelmed by what she had just done.

Matt ran into the bathroom and saw Karen leaning against the wall, her eyes closed, and blood coming out of the cut in her stomach. He sank to the floor and hugged her.

"Karen, I am so so sorry." Matt lifted her cheek and wiped the tears off her face. Karen’s eyes fluttered open. Matt picked up the towel and nodded slightly to her. He pressed the cloth against Karen’s stomach and she winced in pain.

"Sorry. Just hold on, I have to do this." Matt removed the once white towel from Karen’s abdomen and grabbed the first aid kit. He opened it and found the long bandages. Matt unwound the cloth and propped Karen up on his lap. He wrapped the cloth around her and taped the edges off.

"Okay?" Matt asked, his eyes still on the bandage which was getting redder and redder by the second. Karen looked down at her stomach and fell into Matt’s lap. He stroked her hair and waited until she wanted to speak.

Karen closed her eyes and fell asleep.

Matt moved the hair from the side of her face and saw that she was sleeping. He exhaled and whispered into her ear, “Please, please don’t do anything like that ever again.”

They sat on the bathroom floor until Matt stood up and carried Karen to the bedroom. He took off her bra, put on one of her looser pajama shirts, and tucked her underneath the covers.

Matt closed the door quietly and walked out into the hall. His blood pressure was rising again, his anxiety rushing in. His ears were ringing and his hands shaking. Karen, Karen, oh Karen. He sat down on the couch and called his mum.

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The next few months were recovery. Karen learned to cope. She got out of the house on some days. Did a little shopping, met with some friends. Auditioned for a role.

Matt helped her through it. Gave her space when she needed it, checked her wrists and body frequently. Offered plenty of hugs and kisses.

The week of Karen’s first period after the miscarriage was a tough one. All red hair, red blood, and red emotions.

The passing weeks were blue. The rain picked up and drowned out the outside world. Peaceful. Quiet.

Then spring came and everything was light greens and powder yellows and soft lavenders. Happier. Friendly. Moving on.

The day of Karen’s due date consisted of crying, Indian take out, and cuddling on the couch.

Matt was still delicate with her. He’d started teasing her again but only little things. Moon face and sek had made a quick reappearance.

Karen was back to her normal routine. She was offered a part in a little indie movie that she couldn’t resist and took the part with no hesitation.

Matt visited her on set one day. Karen was running around, her red hair flying, and her eyes glistening in the light. Matt’s heart swelled up and he smiled.

Matt and Karen stopped at a restaurant for dinner before they went home. Karen was quieter when it was just her and Matt, but she was still happy. They shared dessert and had a few drinks, and got a taxi home.

The two of them went straight to bed when they got there, dropping their bags on the couch and changing their clothes when they reached the bedroom. Karen pulled down the covers and laid on her side of the bed. Matt walked back to the couch and grabbed Karen’s script from her bag. Then he turned on his bedside lamp and settled down next to her. He handed Karen her script and helped her practice her lines. When they couldn’t focus on the 12 point font anymore, Matt turned off the light.

Karen turned on her side and Matt came closer to spoon her. He slid his hands across Karen’s abdomen and her body tensed up as he approached her pants. Matt teased at the elastic.

Karen hesitated at first. Then she nodded cautiously.

Fingers inside, Matt made his way down to her clit and danced along the edges with his index finger. Karen shuddered. She pushed his hand lower and closed her eyes. Matt worked her clit for a good five minutes, kissing Karen’s neck as she trembled.

Karen’s breathing shallowed and she longed for more. She pulled Matt’s hand out from her pajamas and turned to kiss him, left hand gentle on the side of his face. Matt kissed her back, his hands tangled in her fiery hair.

When the need for oxygen was imminent, they broke. Karen wrapped her leg around him and slid her hand down his bare chest. Matt reached for the bottom of her shirt and pulled it over her head. Karen grabbed her pants hastily and pulled them off. Matt did the same, and they kicked the clothes to the bottom of the bed.

They kissed again, Karen’s body pressed against Matt’s, limbs intertwined and lips interlocked. Their bodies swayed together and Karen could feel Matt’s hard-on pressing against her thigh. Matt broke the kiss and moved down her body, his hands drawing lines, memorizing her curves and counting her freckles. He kissed the space below her belly button and he was down to her clit again. He looked up at Karen for approval and she spread her legs wider.

Matt’s tongue moved faster than his fingers and Karen was gripping Matt’s hair and convulsing around him in a matter of minutes. He got back up and Karen rolled over him, her eyes locking with his. She straddled him and adjusted him onto her. Two minutes and they were both crying out. Matt thrusted again and Karen exploded, screaming Matt’s name and gasping for air, pleasure shooting up between her thighs.

Matt kept working until Karen couldn’t hold herself up anymore. He eased her off of him and she fell limply onto the mattress.

Exhausted, Matt kissed her forehead. Karen was too far gone to react. They fell asleep side by side.

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Sunlight seeping in from the window lit the room a bright golden color. Karen woke up and turned to face Matt. His hair was a mess. Karen stroked his hair and Matt’s eyes opened slowly.

"Mmm. Good morning Kaz," he said moving closer to her.

Karen moved her hands down his chest and wrapped her leg around him. She smiled, “Good morning.”

She kissed Matt softly and he ran his hands up her back as she did.

"Breakfast?" Karen asked.

"Breakfast." Matt replied.

They got up from the bed. Karen grabbed Matt’s tshirt from the floor and put it on, leaving Matt with the decision to either put on Karen’s or find a clean shirt somewhere.

"Damn you Gillan." Matt said, hitting her with his pants. She laughed.

"Screw the shirt. I’m coming without one." Matt winked at Karen as she walked to the kitchen.

"Oh god! No, you’re repulsive" Karen grimaced, pretending to be disgusted. Matt followed her into the kitchen.

They tried making waffles. When there was more batter on the counter, ceiling, and Matt, they stopped and ate cereal instead.

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Three weeks later, Matt was reading a script in bed, when Karen walked into the room. She lingered in the hallway, shadowed by the room’s light.

"Hmm?" Matt said, looking up from his script. She was standing nervously and fidgeting with her fingers.

“Matt?” Karen was scared, “My period’s late.”

"And I’m really tired and I feel kind of nauseous and nothing tastes good anymore and I d-" She was rambling.

Matt put down his script. “Oh my god. Okay, um, do you want me to get you a pregnancy test?”

Karen nodded, her eyes pointing down at her feet.

Matt ran down the street to the pharmacy, picked up a test, and ran back home. Karen was pacing around the house trying to calm down when he returned.

"Okay?" Matt handed her the stick. "It’s gonna be fine." He held open the door to the bathroom and ushered Karen inside.

"Can you leave the door open?" Karen asked anxiously. Matt smiled, "Sure," and stood just outside in the hallway.

Karen held the stick in her hand and took a deep breath. She washed her hands and sat on the toilet. Karen peed on the stick and when she was done, she set it on the counter and washed her hands again. Matt walked into the bathroom, picked up the test from the counter, and joined Karen on the tiled floor of the bathroom.

Karen closed her eyes and leaned her head into Matt’s chest. Her body was shaking and her heart was racing. Matt rubbed her back as they waited, and he stared at the plastic on the floor.

Matt tapped Karen’s shoulder after five minutes.

"Ready?" Matt asked.

Karen took a deep breath. “Ready.”

Matt put the stick into her hands. She opened her eyes slowly.

…Two little pink lines. A little pink…positive.

"Are you okay?" Matt asked Karen.

“We can abort if you want. It’s up to you.”

Karen shook her head, “No, no, I want this baby! I just…” Karen’s voice got quieter and quieter. “I just don’t want to lose it again.” She looked at the floor.

Matt pulled her in for a hug. “Hey, it’s okay,” he said, wrapping his arms around her.

"Come on, up you get." Matt said, pulling Karen to her feet. She stood up and looked into Matt’s shining eyes. Karen leaned forward and kissed him gently.

"Thank you," she said, opening her eyes, “for everything.”

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