#ot 8

this is why nobody should leave me in my bedroom alone

I pushed my mind as far as it could go. With drugs, starvation, near death experiences, huge periods of reflection and introversion. I wanted to understand something that me, as a materialist and scientific rationalist, couldn't understand. Why is there there this consciousness, this uniqueness? The closest anyone ever came was giving a primate that could do sign language treats, thus prompting it. There is nothing on par with human consciousness. I say that as an environmentalist. I say that as someone who understands that our treatment of nature as expendable will cause our extinction. Yet here I was with a problem. Tool use in animals, I found out about it. Beavers constructing dams, chimps using sticks to get ants and so on. None of that compares to the singular intelligence of humans. So one species out of 8.7 million can go into space. Can nullify nature. Alright, there is no God? When I was dying in the ICU, and a couple times before from epileptic seizures, I saw the nature of God as much as anyone could. It's without gender. It isn't anything we could ever understand, I certainly couldn't. But somehow it brought what exists into being. I kept hearing this repeating message, "There's bad so good can exist." Repeated and it leveled me. I woke up like a different person. Of course I fell by the wayside later on but that's another story. Again: It is not evil, it is not good It is ambivalent to the trials and tribulations of mankind It offers nothing but endlessly more lives It doesn't ask anything of you because It's nature is ours It understands but needs no worship It wonders how the Big Bang doesn't confirm It's existence What people understand as free will is much more free Everything is recycled, conserving the law of conservation It's existence precludes to the Big Bang initiating