#osob

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

I'm finding myself at a bit of a loss for where to start this time, but in the sense of there just being…so much. A lot has been happening. Although I suppose that in and of itself isn't much of a surprise. It's par for the course.

But at the core of it all, I'm unsure about this plane. We've been here before, but I'd like to say I dislike it even more this time. It's all a little overwhelming for me.

I've never been one for very big cities, but this place seems to bring out that fear in a very similar way to Vaguess. It's crowded and anonymous yet at the same time, we've been under almost constant scrutiny of others. Even our contact feels more like she's observing us rather than simply interacting as an acquaintance. 

It certainly doesn't help that the Warden managed to so thoroughly convince Kirin that they were to be trusted. Who's to say that whatever mind tricks they fell prone to won't strike again in the future? We didn't even know about this effect until it was too late to do anything on our own. Oriz made a deal with Khonsu and Deoch, and the thought of whatever might be requested of him as payment down the line worries me more than I can express in only a few words.

I've scarcely felt safe while we stay in this plane. And as much as I dislike saying it…even Absolus is starting to feel unsafe. I don't experience the same amount of trust for them as I once did. Something isn't right about them, and this place is letting it show. Perhaps the details aren't lining up as well at this angle.

How ironic is it that I'm beginning to trust the Eel more than the Eagle?

I knew something had felt wrong when I…when I fell. I was scared though, and I wanted familiarity, so I stayed with them. I still am scared, to be quite honest. Is that a bad thing for me to admit, given the job we do? I think some amount of fear is healthy, but it drags on and on, and it's exhausting. Pardon the unintentional play on words, but I can feel the tiredness in my bones. 

I want those I love to be safe with me, but all of this uncertainty in everything we do puts that in such immense jeopardy. 

Is safety even possible anymore?

Something is messily crossed out here, now illegible

We have to encounter the fae again–willingly, this time. I would do everything in my power not to return to that place again, but as usual, we have very little choice. It has to be done, and whatever suffering we experience will simply happen.

I'm going to warn the others and hope that they listen and take my advice to heart. I'm not sure I want to talk about what I saw with them though, as much as it would probably help to understand what we'll be walking into. I don't think I've had a chance to process it enough yet.