#oshy

It was May; she’s nearing the end of her second year as a doctor. And what a year it was… What a year it could have been if… nevermind. Ethan and she have gotten used to their situation, where both want the same, yet no one dared to overstep the boundaries. In all honesty, she got tired of it. She did care for him, she really did. He cared for her too, but did she love him? That she was not sure of. She felt the need to be with him or at least be able to touch him, but she has gotten so used to the ever so annoying notion of professionalism that she did not crave him as much as she used to. Well, at least that’s how things felt at the moment. Many months have passed since she last felt his touch and at this point, she either had to constantly remind herself of how things were or burry the recollections of the moments they had somewhere deep and for good. She could not have been hung up on one man that made her feel everything differently. Being with him felt liberating, challenging (in a good way that is) and most importantly- right. However, at this time them being good friends almost feels like a prison. She needs to let go. Charlotte said so too. It shouldn’t be hard. Ethan and Casey are getting along well, being professional and the tension that used to be there has lessened. That should make things better, right? Eventually…

She was continuing her stroll deeply immersed in her thoughts. And then she saw him: a brown paper grocery bag in his right hand, jeans and a grey henley. He was looking for oncoming cars as he tried to cross the street.

Wait, is that Ethan? What is he doing in this area? Has he even noticed me? Should I? Hmh..

”Dr. Ramsey! First time seeing you on this street. What brings you here?” She said with a friendly chuckle.

He noticed her walking towards him. A purple dress was hugging her curves, making her look like an absolute vision surrounded by the golden sun.

He had to avert his eyes. Why did he have to see her like this? Like this would be helping the shit of a situation they have been in for months already…

“Hi, Casey. Well, today is my first night in my new apartment”. He replied as if he was talking to a new neighbor. They were friendly. They really were. They also were good at keeping their emotions and hands away from each other. It almost felt that the fight with the morals has been lost and all they were left with was nothing, probably just an understanding that what all they are now is just colleges. At least that’s what they have been for the last nine months.

“Hm.. please do expand. I believe that your penthouse was rather nice. Why would you move?”

“It was, yes" he chuckled. “I guess I just needed a change of scenery. That apartment, for some reason, has become a little depressing.”

Casey knew exactly what he was on about. Standing a single foot before her: never a good liar.

Ethan knew she’d figure out the meaning behind his words far too soon, so he continued to distract her: “Anyway, how is it that I ran into you over here?”

“I’m on my way home from lunch with an old classmate of mine. The fun came to an end and so I’m here.” She smiled back at him.

She looks glowing and he’d even say happy as if she had just gotten rid of some emotional baggage. I hope she has. She deserves to be happy and move on from this… whatever it is that barely was. Ethan looked to his left towards the entrance to his building and nudged his head towards the door. “Well, since you’re here, may I interest you in a glass of wine?” He lifts his right arm a little indicating that the wine is in the bag he’s holding.

Casey chuckled, lowered her head and tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear. After a second she looked him in the eyes that have been searching for an answer and hopped it would be a positive one and lowly said: “Are you sure it’s a good idea, Ethan?”

“If it were a bad idea I would not have suggested”. He peacefully sighed and continued: “Listen, Casey, I know how you feel about this. However, losing your friendship is not something I would ever want to happen”, he gave her a saddened and comforting smile.

Casey could have sworn that he felt as sad as she was from the way he looked at her. So this is it? They are friends for good. Is this where they draw a line? Guess it is… And so she could not bring herself to say a single word. Instead, she just gave him a sad yet understanding smile and lightly nodded.

God Ethan was understanding. Replying with the same smile. This might be the last time they are this close. Her being here… She may never again come and see him in his home. He saw the slight devastation she felt. It was easy when he was too, aware of that feeling.

He raised his hand towards the door, giving her the lead and walked behind her. In the elevator, he hit the 25th floor.

“So, still could not give up the top floor?” She jokingly remarked leaning at the elevator bar right before Ethan.

“I figured I need all the flying choppers to keep Jenner entertained throughout the day. That is the only reason.” he laughed himself. Maybe this would be fine, them being just friends. Everything will die down: him, not having to look at his old apartment and remembering her, her moving on…

Ethan chased the thoughts away.

Once their laughter died down all that was left was silence. For the rest of the ride, she clearly kept her eyes away from his. He noticed that. Almost as if that was needed for rebooting her emotions.

They stepped out, silently. Ethan took the lead towards his apartment door. He unlocked it and out runs Jenner, jumping on Casey.

“Hey, boy!” She leaned towards the dog and scratched behind his ears “how have you been?”

“You know he cannot reply, right?” Ethan murmurs while holding the door handle, waiting for Casey to step inside.

“I feel that he gets the gist”, says Casey while lifting her head up and focusing on Ethan’s new home instead of the dog. She entered, Jenner following her right in.

The apartment looks fresh, light, and the view is even better than in the previous one. The living room had a white sectional in it and many brown boxes, probably stuffed with books that are yet to be unpacked, she reckoned.

“I must say, your taste is always impeccable. This is one good looking bachelor pad.” She said once she’d taken in the environment.

“Thanks, I guess it is”. His words made her turn her head to the right, where Ethan was standing by a black marble kitchen island and browsing cabinets to find two wine glasses.

Casey joined him in the kitchen and leaned her back onto the island almost as if trying to ground herself by holding onto the edges with her hands.

“So, this is your new home, huh... Am I the first guest?” she smiled.

He looked up at her after placing two glasses on the island. God, was she close. The way the evening sun was hitting her shoulders, illuminating one side of her face, her hair, her everything. Well fuck. It turns out it was a bad idea. Inviting her, that is.

“Ahem?” Casey noticed the pause Ethan had made.

“Yes, you’re the first one indeed”. He mumbled as if he had just gotten back to the earth from God knows where. He lowered his gaze to the glasses that needed to be filled up.

The silence that fell afterwards was comfortable. For a good half a minute no one said anything. Casey crossed her hands on her chest and waited on him to hand her the glass. In the meantime, she took in her surroundings.

So, this may be the first and the last time she’s here. Today may also be the first day they fully succumbed to their morals and left everything they had behind.

Ethan handing her the glass got her out of her trance: “Here you go”.

“Thanks”. She accepted the glass not taking away her eyes from his.

What is it with the one foot between them? And why does he have to look her in the eyes all the time? This only complicates things. Fuck. What a mess it is… Should I…? No, I should not…Goddammit.

“Ethan, can I ask you something?” came out as an innocent question.

“Ask away”, he responded while taking a sip and not overthinking, left hand on the island.

“Be honest”, and now she could tell that Ethan had a sense of what was coming and looked at her as if he did not think that whatever she planned to say next was a good idea to have been spoken, “am I still on your mind?”

Ethan’s gaze became pained. How was he supposed to put her first? They have not spoken about their intimate relationship ever since the start of her residency. He thought tonight was meant to close the chapter.

“I…” He was searching for words. “Casey, you know that you mean more to me than I should admit”

“Still?”, she sadly mouthed.

“Hm… “ Ethan placed his glass on the island and ran his left hand through his now disheveled hair. “Casey, tell me, what kind of answer are you expecting from me?”

“I guess I just wanted to know that I was not the only one to have felt….” she realized that whatever she was ready to spill was a bad idea to spill in the first place and stopped.

“Fuck, Casey. I was under the impression that you have moved on. That you became tired of this ordeal. Haven’t you?” he raised his brows in search of an answer, still hoping she’d say no.

Her gaze was frozen on his eyes for a moment before she shook herself out. “You know what, nevermind. I shouldn’t have brought this up. I think it’s better if I go.” Casey placed her glass from her right hand behind her on the island and almost began spinning towards the door. Then she felt Ethan grab her left hand that still remained on the counter.

“Don’t”.

Casey looked down at her hand, then back at Ethan. Her look confused.

“Don’t”. He closed his eyes to breathe in for a minute. Then opened them again. “What are you doing? Don’t you know that I want you? Why do you need to ask?” He stepped closer to her, softly looking her in the eyes and his hand never leaving hers. He placed his left hand on her cheek and started stroking it with his thumb. Casey averted her eyes.

“Look at me, please.” He whispered his face just a breath away from hers.

She hesitantly looks back at him.

“The only woman that I cannot stop thinking of is you. I wish I could. And I cannot”. He almost smiled, pain still reflecting in his eyes.

Her eyes became watery. She won’t cry though. Not now.

She began blinking, trying to remove herself away from the situation. She swallowed, bracing herself “It was wrong of me to ask that. I think I should leave. I am so sorry” She wasn’t fast enough though.

Ethan kissed her. Kissed her as if he would never be able to kiss her again. He pushed her to the island, his hands gripping hers as if she was too far from him. His body was fully pressed to hers, his head lowered to reach her lips. Panting, he kissed her mouth with his tongue, savoring her, while he still could.

Casey was lost. She craved him. For months she wanted him to kiss her. And now, that he has, it felt like she provoked him. So, she broke the kiss.

He searched her eyes. She didn’t search his. Did not even look at them. 

He let his grip softly loosen and eventually set her free. He did not know what was going on. For the first time, he could not read her. He looked disappointed. How the fuck was he so weak that he lost self-control? Fucking idiot. But even more so: she wanted him to love her and then she decided she doesn’t anymore? What?

“I’m sorry. I should not have said anything” Casey let her head down, looking at her feet.  

What are you sorry about? I don’t understand it, Case? You wanna know how I feel, but what for then? You not wanting to be kissed kind of indicates that it’s over for you, no? He was confused and almost angry. He wanted to ask her whether she is trying to say goodbye to him this way. He wanted to ask all of these questions. Instead, he just left her with:

“You know what?” he says annoyed and disappointed.  “It’s my bad actually. It was not okay for me to kiss you. I apologize”. And so Ethan steps back again, leaving more than one foot between them. He turns to his right, reaching out for the glass he had before succumbing to his emotions. He downs the remainder of the wine and sighs placing the right hand back on the island.

“Let’s forget we even had this discussion. Again, I am sorry about my behavior”.

Casey has spent every second since he stepped away from her, looking at the bottom of one of his cabinets. She’s such a fool… Why would she ever bring this up? She composed herself, found her purse and replied: “Yes, I am sorry too. It’s better I go now. Thank you for the wine, Dr. Ramsey.” She took a few steps backwards looking at him, turned around and walked towards the door of his apartment. “I’ll see you tomorrow”, she spoke.

He did not reply. Not because he did not want to, but because she was so fast to leave.

He stood there, his head buried in his shoulders, still grounding himself on the countertop. She has never denied his kisses… never. Did she really stop wanting him? Has she moved on?

He did not know what was sadder: not being able to have her or her not wanting him.