Nov 14, 2022
It’s a Monday Vibe up in here #oscarslife #seniorpom #queens #ny #pomslife #instapomeranian (at Astoria) https://www.instagram.com/p/Ck9KEBKOMCQ2PtBY4bn5b0v9g_3J-0EwsEPzg40/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
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It’s a Monday Vibe up in here #oscarslife #seniorpom #queens #ny #pomslife #instapomeranian (at Astoria) https://www.instagram.com/p/Ck9KEBKOMCQ2PtBY4bn5b0v9g_3J-0EwsEPzg40/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
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Me and my supervisor had a very drunk conversation last night at the pub at about 2am about my future. She's leaving on Monday to go to a different ward (I work in a hospital) and she was saying loads of really good things about me like she can see how confident I've gotten since starting the job and that I shouldn't doubt my abilities in what I do and I should definitely start looking for the next band up in my field because she knows I can do as does the rest of the office and they all want to really push and help me to get there.
And that was probably one of the nicest things that anyone has ever said to me. Ever.
She also had a go at an old educator of mine because they had been saying that I would never be ready or able to go for the next band up. And the fact that my supervisor stuck up for me and said that the old educator is an idiot and doesn't know what they're talking about was really nice too.
I love the office that I work in currently. It's social. It's easy to get on with people. I fit in. Sure everyone will be rotating soon but as a first job and a first office to be in, it's been god damn fucking awesome.
Today
Bit of a tiring day. Haven't done anything but I just needed a day in my room not doing anything. Just been feeling exhausted lately and needed a day off. I did however make a little three step thing that I feel like would help me. First off is skin care and sleep. My eczema is bothering me lately pretty badly which in turn is screwing my sleeping up and I need to sleep better since I've just started work and need to be up at 7 daily. So sorting that out is first up, putting cream on and all that jazz. Next up is eating better. Which is self explanatory. Less take out. Better food. More cooking. I want a blender to try and make smoothies to get more fruit that way. And lastly is exercise. I want to look better physically. It's that simple. So I've made myself a little plan for each day to keep on top of and then in time I'll make a program for to do. It'll take some time but be worth it eventually. I just needed a day off today from people and wanted quiet and YouTube and tumblr and now I feel rested. Feel like I'm ready to make myself better physically and mentally. Build up some confidence which has recently been shot a little (my own fault, no one else's) and yeah. It's a little all over the place my thoughts on all of this but writing it down has helped.
I am officially ending a chapter in my life today. It is a saga that has lasted as long as the Cell Games in Dragonball Z. It feels good. I feel like I have grown up. A lot.
So multiple things happened last night and I haven't had time to write it all down till now and I feel like I need to.
Went out with my cousins for some drinks, and it was fun. They all bought my drinks because they're nice and older and have jobs and have money unlike me as a student so that was cool. And then about half way through the night I had a panic attack.
Now, I've had a few panic attacks in my life, more recently in the last couple of months but it was nothing like last night. I had a pain in my chest and lungs, I was shaking, sweating, couldn't breathe and then I could breathe but it was too quick. I ran outside and just freaked out for about 5 minutes round the corner from the bar before I calmed myself down and went back in. So yeah, that freaked me out, big time.
I then decided to walk home at 1am from the middle of Central London to East London where I live. IT TOOK ME SO FREAKING LONG. It was about 7 miles, I think. I don't know. All I know was that I was exhausted when I eventually got home and my legs hurt.
When I was in bed, it got weird though. I'm not sure if I was awake or asleep or waking up halfway through briefly and then going back to sleep so I either had hallucinations or a really freaky nightmare. I saw someone in my room over my bed with a knife and a rope, and then I saw a multicoloured hawk hanging upside down over my window which kept threatening to fly at me. I also saw a giant eagle circling my window and just watching me. And then there were the noises. Moaning. Crying. Screaming. Maniacal laughter. Squawking. It's safe to say when I eventually woke up with a terrible hangover, I was still shaking, sweating and couldn't breathe for a few minutes and all day been trying to keep calm.
I don't think I'm okay right now. I think something might be wrong, but I don't know what.
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You know when you're tired but you can barely sleep? Yeah, that's me 100% of the time. Or that feeling when you wake up in the morning and you hate that you're awake? That is also how I feel most of the time.
I need a drink so badly but I'm too wary of my budget for this week. Give me money please
I've managed to make a pack of 20 cigarettes last me almost 2 weeks. Cutting down is going well I'd say