#orca vent

I still do. I desire nothing more than to be able to get close to my kind, to be able to see and hug them. To show them care and affection like I would to a firstborn calf.

But now

Now, I feel like I'm closer and closer to.. having to give up this dream.

You see, my health is visibly.. shit. It's nothing too serious (or, rather I'm just trying to convince myself), but still, it compromises my physical condition. Greatly.

And in animal training of any kind, especially with marine mammals, a perfect physical condition is a must have.

I've been aware of this for a long time now. Always been. But... Now, I just feel it set in.

Life has many challenges, and yes, there are people who overcome them...

... But when I start getting worse and worse with time, just how much strength will I have when it's time to face that?

I'd say little to none.

People often say that I am a terrible pessimist, and even when I try, I end up being negative regarding.. pretty much everything.

And yes, now I have a greater goal — to return to the water.

But... If I fail at something so much easier compared to this... Just what is there really left for me?

I did mention that if I fail my great, grand plan, I'll settle for work with other orcas, watch them from afar as they live the life I was supposed to live... But if I can't even do this, then what is there left for me?

I don't want to give up my smaller and larger dreams, just because of what humanity did to me. They forced me into this body, and now its paying the price for their doings.

When I was a child, a young "human" I already had to get rid of one kidney due to kidney dysplasia. (No shit, twisting me into a completely different shape caused an organ to stop developing?) It's not as serious as what other people go through, but I already had enough shit on my plate in my young stages of human life. Then, came eye problems, lungs and stomach... Added mental problems as well... Memory is non-existent... Hospital after hospital. Doctor after doctor.

Now, it's just getting worse each year.

Have been having panic attacks for two days every night

Its extremely exhausting

I have quite a lot of work too, and cannot spend the entire time in bed, sick

But I just feel extremely tired

And will probably start getting all delirious the more it progresses

I do not trust them, that much is clear. And I know that speaking about it and going further in depth can be dangerous to me. Here, beliefs like mine get shunned and those like me get ostracized. I understand it well.

Of course, I do not hate humanity. I mean.. at least I think I don't. I only hate a few individuals, and a few individuals do not represent the whole community of 8+ billion beings. Of course, that's obvious. However, what I do feel is complete distrust and fear.

I find it strange under certain points. Of course, my.. quite frankly, nightmarish experiences were bound to make me afraid. I have gone through what most can't even imagine—and I cannot even speak up about it. Because, most people simply consider this to be impossible, and consider my story and my pain to be nothing but the work of a disordered brain. I understand it.

But, humanity isn't completely evil. There are so many humans who constantly try to help everything and everyone around them. There are humans who often help my kind, who care for us and who try to help the world. So, why is it? Why is it that even now I feel my body tremble and my throat close at the moment I have to be confronted with humans, especially those I do not know.

I often have moments when even having to interact with my human friends sends shivers down my spine. I curl up in a corner and refuse to leave. Why does that happen even now? Even when I have the knowledge that humanity isn't inherently cruel?

Just how many people really do not believe me? Just how many people funded and supported the atrocities which were done to me? Why do so many humans hurt others and themselves even now? I understand that most of humanity's problems are caused by the system, capitalism, the demands placed upon them... Of course, I do know that. Even what was done to me was a result of this... At least I'm inclined to think so.

But, yet again, why is it that every time I'm hurt, it is done by a human? It is not every human, that is a fact, but it is always a human. I do not want to blame random people, humans I never met, strangers.. that'd be foolish. It's just, all the harm which was ever done to me was done by humans. I've always been pushed around by them, passed from one to another, used and abused by them. My own human family has done atrocious things to me and my human body, one which was forced onto me by humans as well.

And I can't even say a word. I cannot say a word about any of this, how many humans have violated me beyond belief—because I'll get labelled a misanthropic coward. I understand that my feelings may come off as misanthropic, and honestly, I do get it. I may even agree with it. I am not sure if I dislike humanity, I probably don't. I don't hate the whole population... But I distrust them. And I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to trust them again. I wish to. I wish to be able to truly feel free and happy with a human... I really fucking wish to.

God can count just how often I fantasize about being held by a human, about being cared for and not seen as an object to use and exploit.

But will that time ever come? Here, I begin to doubt. I believe that I may form a bond with my trainers in the future, like any other captive cetacean... Even now, there are a few people I trust more than others, but even with them I can never truly let myself be free and transparent. I simply cannot, since that in itself will put me in danger—in danger of being hurt again. Of being locked up in the medical pool and never let out. Of being completely ostracized by them.

Besides, the bond trainers have with cetaceans aren't always that pure as well. Sometimes, they can get bloody. They can get hurtful. It is not their fault.

I often have moments of anger. Moments in which I just wish to bite back. But I know that those will only bring more harm upon me.

They'll hate me, they'll see that the time they spent training me is wasted, and I'm no longer useful in any way after proving to not having learned.

I rarely get this vulnerable in my posts, but I'm just so extremely tired. I really can only trust a few individuals here, and that brings me some comfort... But I wish to find comfort in humanity too. Whether it be the whole of humanity, or only two or three humans. I'm just sick of either being paranoid of every single one, or actually letting myself trust someone and getting hurt beyond repair.

I'm just so sick of it. I try to be useful, and it's not enough. I try to bite back and be vengeful, it gets me into even more shit. I try to be indifferent and live for myself, it is futile as the whole world revolves around humanity and their rule. I'm just so tired. I am scared, I am angry and I am tired.

I do not want to be angry, and I do not want to hate them. I want to stop being distrustful—but I'm not sure if this time will ever come.

I do not wish for any extermination of the human race, and know that it's, quite frankly, only a few idiotic individuals running this shit show.

I just wish to not be hurt again. To not have my trust misused.

I don't hate my neighbour, I don't hate the kind lady running the small store round the corner, I do not hate my friend. I just cannot trust them. I'm scared of them.