Long time no see. Lot of updates. I am now 21 years old. I graduated college. I changed my direction from being an 18x to a 35N. I originally planned to go the SOT-A route as I enjoy technical things but that didn't end up working out because I've done drugs (college student has done drugs, next on abc7). I have graduated BCT and am currently in AIT. I volunteered for RASP last week and have been doing RAW PT since last week. I enjoy the macro of my life so much. I love being in the Army. I'm so incredibly grateful to have made it here. I waited for almost 2 years to graduate college and then deal with some other things that inhibited me from enlisting, and now I am finally here. I'm also so happy that I have set in stone to go to RASP. I didn't get an OP40 contract because I was trying to enlist as quick as possible, but I heard that I was able to volunteer at AIT and it was correct. Regarding the micro of my life. I'm in a weird place. I feel like I don't have any true friends here in the Army. I have one good battle buddy who I graduated BCT with, but honestly, he's kind of an asshole and doesn't really motivate me to do better. He also volunteered for RASP with me, but I think it's either a maturity thing or he just doesn't want it bad enough. He doesn't go to the gym with me nor put in any extra work outside of PT. I'll admit he's quite a bit faster than me (35 min 5 mile), but he uses that as a crutch for already being "good enough". He's also just incredibly rude and disrespectful at times, and I know the army is all about busting balls, but it just is like, dude shut up sometimes.

I also miss some things from home. I was messing around with a girl before I left and I made sure that we both understood that it wasn't anything serious, but I still seem to miss it. I found out she had a boyfriend half the time we were "together" while in basic and it just threw me off so incredibly. I ended up confronting her about it and she sent me a long, very well-spoken message, that was also quite true about how she felt confused about what we were and that I wasn't really showing enough attention/care to her. I didn't realize it at the time while going through it, but when she framed it from her POV I completely understand her. I thought I was doing the right thing by being upfront of what I wanted, but my actions were contradicting with what I was saying. I said I didn't want anything serious, but then I would text her good night and good morning every day. I said that I still cared about her as a friend but then I forgot her birthday. I said I wanted to see her, but then I would end up being "busy" (being anxious to see her). I essentially ghosted her for a month during Ramadan under the pretense of focusing on religion, which was true, but it just showed my lack of care and effort on her. I can't ever do anything like this to another person again. I hurt her and I am continuing to hurt myself by thinking about it.

There's also another woman who I worked with who had a crush on me. I'm quite a bit older than her (18 vs 21), but I ended up going on a few dates with her anyway. I realized we weren't really compatible, I think mostly because our personalities didn't really align. Even though I thought she was funny and had cool interests, it just didn't seem to click for me. Regardless I didn't really feel anything for her when I left. But I would still text her and write letters to her during basic. Just because I thought I was doing the right thing by trying to still be friends. Once I arrived at AIT, it seemed like it changed. She doesn't reach out. I forgot to mention she responded to literally one of my letters. That also by text, she couldn't even mail it to me. I also completely know the reason why it's like this. She went to college, and I went to the army. We're in two completely different worlds, and her whole world is college, while my world is half here in the army and half back home. I guess it just kind of, nulls my emotions to see people moving has That sounds so fucked up, but I don't really know a better way to put it. I don't miss home, but I miss the idea of home.

I think I will use this account more, I need a place to write. I have a lot of free time.

Here are my current fitness numbers:

Squat: 230

Deadlift: 275

Bench: 165

I've lost a good amount of strength since leaving for basic.

RFT:

HRP: 47

Plank: Max (3:40)

Chin ups: 13

5 mile: 37:56