#optimistic thinking

As much seasonal depression on top regular depression (no worries I am going to ask my doctor or therapist to review my medication dosage), I am processing events that I have not either or not as much. However when talking to one of my friends, I share the last 3 (almost 4) months as he and I have not hangout.

In sharing besides what it is like to be men who used dating apps, it was interesting as he is straight and I am bisexual. He shared he feels like men who like women have desert of options and women who like men is a swamp: in simple he has few actual matches and women can have so many matches (and even possibility matching). In sharing how one of my friends (who also an ex boyfriend) men who like men you are either “hot or not… women can be the range 0 to 10, yet can do not as much to be hot”. I respectfully disagree, as in my experience one’s personality can be a huge determining factor.

So, came up to ranking our own personalities I said 7 or 8 out of 10 for me. My friend gave me a playful jab of why so high if I feel so skeptical of myself, humanity, and more. I in the moment said along the lines, because it feels high enough it stands out but low enough to improve as an individual.

However now thinking about it, I have a kinda makeshift ranking system. Now this not to say I see myself as higher, but it helps me feel I am doing better.

0. Freebie, as I honestly cannot imagine anyone actually being a 0/10.

1. Having one or individually interests & hobbies.

2. Confidence in morals but willing to have lived experience to impact.

3. Sense of judgment yet also a willing to be comfortable to be proven wrong and learn. It could be from supporting intersectional feminism to willing to learn. Yes, talk is one thing, actions are though, well it is obvious which can be most effective.

4. Have a friend or friends who better both you and they better with you. Now, not to say be friends people are lawful good, as it is okay to challenge or question things. Plus friends in my weird opinion should teach you love, even if strictly platonic. Especially if become found family, if it does.

5. Family*, now, now notice not first thing, as blood, extended, in-law, adoptive, foster, etc even if unfortunately not to fortunately the best, it is good to be able to understand moving forward what to carry with you. Yes, at this point I realized my degree in psychology is showing, oops.

6., 7., and 8. *= I am kinda cheating but this Infograph help breakdown famous Ancient Greek loves into three subgroups.

9. Consideration of your part in regards to Mother Nature, as yes picking up your and in general trash to (if implies) other ways to be considerate of the planet.

10. Now this could be easily seen a part of Phiautia, yet self-care to me should be an off branch. Like it is sometimes hard to brush one’s teeth as throughly, sure can argue still did something, but it is a part of someone personal ranking.

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So this my own personal ranking and dang I guess I not as hard to be 10/10 😅, yet I will stick to 7 or 8 out of 10, and I feel the three or two I could better are: Item 10 (look I hate to blame my depression yet self-care like a full 2 minutes of brushing my teeth I could have days I want to do 30 seconds) and worries of being not interesting enough so item 1, and I worry I do not do enough for item 9 (even though recently on my job I gave an hour of picking up trash just because I wanted to help the given school more).

The only negative is the aching of my shoulders and back from the heavy backpack, then my sore legs. I walk to school which is usually 25-30 mins, the morning walk is okay, but walking home is more complicated right now since the weather is around 80 degrees (around 27 in Celsius), and walking in the sun is just kinda nasty. When I get home usually the first thing I do is run to the shower, then do my usual things.

Until today when it gave up on the present, decided to live in the past and I had to erase the whole thing.