#oprfhs

OPRF student Donnis Ontario's new track 'stickinthegoyard' is filled with luscious keys, youthful optimism, and a budding lyrical sensibility. Give the track a listen on our website and on his soundcloud page. If you or someone you love has a creative project in the works that you would like to publish through us, please get in touch at [email protected].

There are some people planning on ditching school tomorrow to go celebrate the Cubs’ World Series victory. Here is why you should NOT ditch:

It’s disrespectful to the legacy of the Mighty Huskie.

Nobody has ever actually ditched at OPRF before. It would be silly to ruin our perfect no-ditching record.

The Cubs didn’t actually win the World Series yesterday. That was a rumor that has since been debunked.

If you ditch school tomorrow, we will catch you and make you wear TWO ID’s on Monday instead of one. 

We have readied our entire fleet of intelligent and and hyper-sensitive golf carts. They are each capable of smelling a single student from over 25 miles away. They also have off-road privileges.

The Tradition of Excellence Assembly is tomorrow. What kind of excellence involves ditching?

If you ditch school tomorrow, Nathaniel Rouse will be crying real tears. He will be sobbing. He will have his head buried in his arms. “Why are you crying,” his assistants will ask. “Because,” he says, in between his sniveling, “our students ditched. They have no respect for the Mighty Huskie and his strict no-ditching rules. I might as well resign right now.”

Is this the future you want to create?

Announcements

SENIORS: Apply to college today! Or else!

JUNIORS: Now’s a great time to start applying to college! The essays rarely change, so you can go ahead and get a head start.

SOPHOMORES: How are you? Surviving? Good! Survival skills are important to develop before becoming an upperclassman.

FRESHMEN: Haha freshies!!!!

Please note that this week’s Weekly Schedule has been cleansed of all consonants.

oa, 10/24/16

oa i oa a I oe ou. ae ai a ea a!

uea, 10/25/16

oa i e a eei o ooa u. ee i oo 304 a 3:30!

eea, 10/26/16

o u, e i e ei ia a e ie. e ae iui. ou ae iui. (u ii, e oe ou!)

ua, 10/27/16

oa i Ae a, u o a e a ae oe “a-oeie-y” oe i oa’ o. uiy. iiuay. ieaey. ie.

ia, 10/28/16

ay ia! Ayoe aei a u oa i e iiouy uee. ae a oeu eee!

The children thought that everything would end smoothly today. They would finish up their last final and go home. They were wrong.

As the 6th Period final ended, the students flooded the Student Center, trying to escape to their leisurely Winter Break. It was not that simple.

See, the security guards had recently discovered a woman living in a giant world of sand in the Huskie Catacombs. This woman was brought up to the surface and identified as Jessica Johnson, a student who went missing back in 1993. This student was famed for her ability to eat rocks, and even made the front page of Trapeze. She was down there for 23 years. However, she does not appear to have aged at all.

Anyways, she was taking in all the changes to OPRF and wandering the halls, marveling at the new improvements. Suddenly, a giant creature leaped upon her. 

The students ran out of the way as the giant hellbeast-type thing cornered Jessica against the staircase, its eyes flaming. Jessica didn’t seem too scared or shocked or anything, just mildly confused. The hellbeast (at least we think it was a hellbeast, it seemed far too intelligent to be one) was a little surprised that she wasn’t surprised, and mildly trampled a group of nearby students.

The security guards sprung into action a little slowly, since they aren’t used to actually doing anything besides yelling at students. The formed a barrier between the beast and the remaining student body.

The hellbeast turned back to Jessica. It’s eyes flamed more than they had been flaming earlier. The beast’s claws slid closer to Jessica’s throat. She began to tremble in fear, sand falling off of her shoulders as she did so. The hellbeast let out a long and menacing snarl and lunged.

Nobody is quite sure how the next event happened, but it did happen and nobody can dispute that.

A lion leaped from an unknown location and jumped to Jessica’s defense, the hellbeast recoiling in alarm. The lion pushed the hellbeast back until it had enough room to stand upon all four paws. It let out a mighty roar, causing the hair of the students in the room to fly backwards as if blown by a massive wind.

After a quick and one-sided battle, the hellbeast lay defeated.

It let out a long breath, accepting its fate.

Then it spoke, in beautiful, fluent, well-spoken English.

“The Laither is coming for you.”

After the body had been disposed of, the lion turned back to the awestruck security guards. The lion spoke, in a beautiful and somewhat unidentifiable accent. 

“My name is Aslan. I’m the new Counselor here.”

The students of OPRF remain swamped by their finals. Occasionally, there is one of those assholes who doesn’t have any finals on Friday. Everybody hates them.

While the students remain trapped in an inescapable trance of bubbling answers on scantrons, stressing, complaining, quickly doing last minute studying, and bubbling more answers on scantrons, we turn our attention to the Huskie Catacombs.

Last summer, some asbestos removal workers discovered a passage with the words “KEEP OUT” written on the door in seven times, each with different handwritings, in magenta ink. Beyond the initial twists and turns of the passage, the tunnel continued due East for what seemed like forever. A crew was sent into the tunnel to walk along it until they found the end.

It took them 5 months to reach anything.

However, it turned out that they had actually been moving in slow motion (due to Alternate OPRF’s Time Batterers) and had only been in the tunnel for about an hour.

At the end of the tunnel, they discovered a person.

This person was standing before a doorway into a vast world of sand.

Despite being underground, the room seemed to continue for miles and miles, filled with golden sand from wall to distant wall. Making up most of the room was an intricate castle made entirely of the sand. The castle was complex in every way, with turrets and spires and bridges and walls and every detail one could imagine in a castle, only made of sand.

The person standing before the castle was a teenage girl, likely a senior, covered in the sand. When she saw the team, she gasped and commented on their lack of arms (which is strange, since every member had only two or three arms, which is standard).

She quickly agreed to accompany the crew back up to the surface of the school. We have yet to know the identity of this mysterious individual and the purpose of this world of sand, but we are working to figure it out.