[Recently, a friend has been getting attacked by an anonymous abuser on Tumblr. Early on, the content of the abuse made it clear that the abuser’s motivations were closely linked to a specific situation, in which my friend justifiably confronted another party about that other party’s genuine wrongdoing. Someone has taken it upon themselves to respond to this by anonymously attacking my friend. Very quickly, the attacks stopped mentioning the relevant situation, and instead started to condemn and shame my friend for being sociopolitically unaware or problematic. But my friend is notable for constantly thinking about such things, raising issues concerning structural privilege, and questioning her own behaviour when it comes to such matters.

This is no accident. In fact, this is exactly why the abuser has specifically chosen to accuse her of various crimes of unwokeness. I think this is an important case study in the general attitude of the abuser, and in recognising the tactics of an individual who is covertly interested in only destruction, and not discussion. For this reason, I’m just going to post slightly-modified versions of the comments that I made while all of this was happening, one after the other. Maybe the pattern that I’m rambling about is a pattern that you’ve seen before. Hopefully something in there is helpful or validating for someone.]

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Yeah this is needlessly spiteful. And quite literally psychopathic. I was gonna say ‘don’t sweat cowardly sadists with zero empathy’. But no human being can help but feel automatically stung and belitted, when encountering something like this. And this is also something that anon presumably knows. The fact that they sent the message anyway is basically all you need to know about the kind of person they are. I don’t see how it’s appreciably distinct from throwing a punch.

Also, you’re absolutely right. This jerk is just trying to hurt you opportunistically, with anything that comes to mind. Just look at all of the random pot shots, about completely separate subjects. Try not to take their final remark seriously just because it sounds plausible and it’s the kind of thing that you genuinely care about. That’s exactly how abusive people manage to get under your skin. They try to exploit what they correctly identify as your genuine empathy and kindness, by twisting it around and leveraging it against you. It’s opportunistic. And this person’s obviously closely connected to the situation. Otherwise they wouldn’t be so desperate to put you down in any way they can think of.

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To me, these 5am messages reek of doubling down on the one tactic that seemed to actually get to you (by your own admission). It’s clearly a ploy to get under your skin. Notice this person’s overall approach to abusing you. First, a scattershot of opportunistic abuse, just trying to hurt you and insult you in any way that they can think of. This is the ‘random mutation’ part of the abuser’s process. Then comes the ‘natural selection’ part. Whichever opportunistic line of attack actually drew blood, the abuser doubles down on that tactic, and focuses in on that tactic and variations thereof, to try to get under your skin and destablise you.

It’s hard not to be affected by this abusive strategy, because it *works*. It works precisely because it zeroes in on the chinks in your armour—in this case, on your empathy, and the sociopolitical views that you take really seriously.

The strategy is a close cousin of gaslighting. When you’re attacked in this way, even if you rationally understand that the person is only trying to harm you, and that they don’t really care about any of the issues they’re raising, you can’t help but start to question whether there’s a grain of truth to what they’re saying. ‘Maybe I’m *not* as thoughtful as I should be’. 'Maybe I’ve missed something’. 'Maybe I’m a fraud’. 'Maybe I’m problematic’. 'Maybe I’m being blinded by privilege in some way’. This kind of self-doubt and destabilisation is THE goal of gaslighting.

When your judgement gets clouded by this kind of abuse, you can become rapidly confused about what’s right and what’s wrong, regardless of the unfuckwithable front that you have to keep up for your own protection. But you have to try to keep your wits about you, and identify the tactic. A great way to remind yourself of what the abuser is doing: notice that they are not interested in having a discussion. Notice that they aren’t offering anything like constructive criticism. Notice that they are conveying total conviction about your wrongdoing, as though they couldn’t possibly be wrong. They aren’t conveying that they have an open mind, and would be willing to be convinced by counterargument. And so on.

No, it’s clear that their only concern is to deliver blows. And they have to do so as viciously as they can manage, in order for it to have any chance of affecting you through the opaqueness of internet anonymity. And for this purpose, *any* issue or method of attack would have been just as good as any other. They’ve just settled on something that they can see will be difficult for you to not take personally.

I just know how insidious this stuff can be. At the most rational level, I’m sure that you 'know’ that you’re thoughtful about this stuff, and that you’re doing your best, and that the abuser’s words have little merit. But these abusive tactics—gaslighting, and its close cousins—work at a lower, less rational level. They can get under your skin regardless. And I would say that it has *more* of a chance of getting under your skin because you subject these issues to a great deal of thought, rather than *less*.

So I dunno, for what it’s worth, I just think you should be mindful of the fact that—from my comparatively detached perspective—this person clearly has no genuine interest in the content of what they’re saying. And, for what it’s worth, the only reason that what they’re saying has a chance of getting to you is because, in contrast, you genuinely *do* care about this stuff. This is how abusers exploit the empathy and the good intentions of a target, and use these things against them.