My present-tense year.
I’ve struggled over the past several days and weeks to find ways to encapsulate and recap this momentous year of my life in a way that I felt would do it justice. This was, by all accounts, the biggest year of my life, the year that I took big swings, and stepped far outside of my comfort zone in my work and in my life. Surely, I thought, there must be a way to wrap this all up in a nice year-end bow, and tell you what I’ve learned along the way.
And there are ways. I could tell you that From Justin to Kelly did 40 shows in 20 different states as part of four national tours, and that in my 12+ years of doing comedy, I’ve never believed in or been prouder of anything I’ve ever done more than this. I could tell you that 2015 was the year that I finally felt largely free of the deep-seeded anxiety and fear that had imprisoned me for so long. I could tell you that this very blog you’re reading and the process of writing it has been a transformative experience, and that crystallizing and clarifying my thoughts on improv, comedy, gender, and the theater system has given me complete conviction in what I believe this art form has the power to be and where I want to take it. I could tell you that I did all of this while awash in grief over losing my beloved grandparents this summer. Surely there are many connections to be drawn between all of these things. It’s my life, after all. Why couldn’t I draw them?
Then, I realized why: 2015 was a year that defies this level of neat summation. This was my most present-tense year.
After years of questioning myself and second-guessing my choices, I gave myself permission to really *live* these last 12 months, to be totally and completely in it, to not worry about what came before or what was to come next. I lived moment to moment. That goes for the joy and exuberance that I felt in that moment on stage in Tampa in November, where Justin and I committed harder than we ever had on stage and subsequently delivered one of our strongest shows. It goes for the triumph I felt in the moment in New York in June, when I published a blog post that so clearly expressed what I believe to be true, and allowed myself to be unafraid of its potential consequences. It goes for overwhelming and overpowering sadness I felt in that moment in July in Connecticut when I held my grandmother’s hand and said goodbye, and then three weeks later, in August, in Florida, when I hugged my grandfather for the last time.
In 2015, in both improv and life, I stopped standing outside the scene and trying to control where it went. I jumped all the way in and committed to what was happening, and I gave every last thing I had to the scene and the situation I was in. When I felt fear telling me to bail or to make safe choices, I took the teaching advice that Justin and I have given over and over again: just be in it. When you feel the urge to bail, commit even harder than you think you’re capable of. The resulting work and life has been more beautiful than anything I have ever experienced.
Perhaps, in time, with some distance, I will find the lessons in 2015. For now, all I can tell you is that I truly lived all of it, and that in itself has been the greatest gift. I am grateful for all the experiences I had this year, and even more grateful that I never shouldered any of them alone. This was both the most present-tense year of my life and the most truly collaborative one. Thank you to every person who was a part of it: to my amazing husband Dave; to my wonderful and strong family; to Justin for being the best creative partner in the known universe; to my dear friends both new and old; to the people who invited us to do shows and to teach at your festivals and in your cities; to everyone who came to see a show, or took a workshop, or who randomly stumbled across this Tumblr. It’s because of all of you that I got to have this year, and I’m so very, very glad I did.
