#onlyregret

#onlyregret #myonlyregret #sometimes #learning #peaceofmind https://www.instagram.com/p/BvwRE3mhqEq/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1ea5l2angx4em

The only girl who ever liked me while I felt the same towards her and I went and fucked it up. To my defense it wasn't entirely my fault since my mother played the bigger part in keeping us apart for reasons I'll never fathom. But it's my single biggest regret I have to this day and it's eating me away slowly and painfully if I must say. It all started my sophomore year during my 5th period gym class. Thankfully I had a few of my friends from freshman year in the class with me and it was pleasant the first month. Fast forward to mid September. During gym on the 1st Wednesday of the month, my old friend gabe comes up to me during the first 15 minutes of the class telling me that there was this ute freshman whose eye I caught during that period and that I should talking to her. Naturally I was extremely nervous and shy since I've never been good at talking to girls let alone a cute girl who liked me. So for about a week it went about where when I seen her looking towards me in class, I gave her a awkward wave and she returned it back to me. Then after that time period I worked up the nerve to go up to her before my coach, her gym teacher, took attendance during which the student were just standing around talking to each other. But she herself was a bit isolated from the rest of them which made it a bit easier for me to approach her and formally introduce myself to her. She told me her name also which is one I'll never forget. So we talked till the teacher took attendance which I let her go to where she had to sit and I returned to my class where I was congratulated and received punches for working up the nerve to talk to her. The period past by and soon the day also. The next day I went up to her with more confidence than what I had the day before. She told me a bit about herself and I did vice versa. She told me about how she was on the volleyball team and I told her about me being on golf. To my great surprise she said that she remembered hearing my name being announced over the intercom during school for getting a eagle (which for people who don't know very much about golf, is a 2 under par, in my case I made the ball in the hole in 2 shots) during golf and she congratulated me on it also. I thanked her for it. I asked her when her next match was and she said she had a home game next Tuesday. I told her that I'd love to make it but I too had a match that day for golf. She said it was alright. The day passed and soon the week also. Come next Tuesday. During the gym period we have our usual chitchat and I tell her good luck on her game today and she returns it back. Fast forward to my match. We waited at the course for about 15 minutes till it started downpouring outside. 5 minutes later my coach tells us that we can call home for a ride cause the match was canceled. Now this news made me exited since I would now be able to go watch her play volleyball and it being a surprise now. So I call my mom to pick me up and she comes. I ask her to take me to the school cause I want to watch the girls play volleyball. She asks me why I would go watch them play. I tell her I'm going to go support a friend. Then she gets angry and asks me who I'm going to go watch. I tell her that she's just a friend I know. She says that I'd better not be sneaking around her back talking to girls without her permission. I tell her I'm not. Then she takes me to the school. I go into the school and head into the main gym first. In there I see the sophomore team playing still. This meant that the freshman were in the auxiliary gym so I went there next. There is where I seen her playing setter position on the court. After they scored the point she looks towards the door and notices me standing there. I wave to her and she too back to me. The match finished and they won so I headed towards the main gym again to sit down and watch the varsity girls get ready to start playing. Then the freshman walk into the gym to also watch the game. She sees me sitting towards the top of the bleachers and I wave to her. The waves back and says a few words to her friend before walking up the bleachers towards me. She sits down next to me and I congratulate her on the win. She thanks me. So we sit there watching the game together, taking about how the game was going and cheering them on. They win too. She tells me that she has an older sister who plays on the varsity team. She points her out to me. I can easily see the resemblance between the two. She introduces me to her and then they leave. The same Friday at week, I'm walking her to the girls locker room for her practice. I then pop the question. "Would you like to go to the football game later with me?" She says she'll have to ask her mom first. So I ask her if I can have her number so I can text her later to find out if we were going other not. She gives it to me as well as her snapchat too. I go to practice after which she texts me saying she can go to the game. I tell her that's great and that I'll meet her there. I go home and tell my mom my plan to go to the football game. She asks me who I'm going with. I tell her my friend whom is a girl. She asks me who she is and what I'm doing going to the game with her. I tell her of my intentions and that the feeling is mutual between us and that I'd like to get to know her better. She tells me that it's alright that I go with her to the game. I grab a blanket cause I knew it was going to be cold there. So I head there and I text her if she was there yet. My intention was to pay for her ticket and sit down somewhere. She tells me she's already in the stadium sitting near the front middle section. I go in and look for her. I spot her and see her older sister Paola is there also. She was also sitting with another guy whom turned out to be my old friend Jessie. I say hi to her sister and shake Jessie's hand. I then sit next to her and we start watching and talking about the game. She says to me that she really doesn't watch sports that much and I tell her that football imps to that difficult to follow. Later on during the game mph get s text form my mom saying she has to pick me up early to go home. I tell her ok. So I tell my friend that I have to leave soon but since it was really cold out I'd leave my blanket with her so she wouldn't get too cold. She says I don't need to but I insist so she doesn't get sick. I give her a hug goodbye, our first hug at that, tell her to just bring the blanket it to me at school tomorrow. She says alright and that she'll text me later. I leave. My mom asks me how it went. I tell her very good. She then says she wants to see a picture of her but I tell I haven't got any more does she have any social networks. She tells me I can't be talking to her unless to she sees her. So I go on her sister's Instagram and look to see if she has any recent pictures of her. There was one. I was a picture of them when they went to Disney world a few year back but the picture was still similar. She says she pretty and that its ok for me to talk to her. So we keep talking. Few weeks later she say that she's leave the week before thanksgiving break to go to California till break ends. I tell her it sounds fun. But I was sad that she was already leaving just when we started talking more often and comfortably. The last day that she was gonna be here I ask my mom if I can walk her home since I wasn't going to see her for two weeks. She says it was alright as long as I didn't kiss her but I told her that I doubt that happen. So I walk her home. It was raining that day and it calmed down to a drizzle. So we walk and talk along the way and we run the beat the train before we got caught on the other side of the tracks for a half hour in the rain. We made it in time. The walk was very nice. When we reached her house we stood outside for about 10 minutes just talking to each other. Then she says she needs to go inside and start packing. So we give each other a long hug and I head home. She texted me along the way home making sure I was getting there safe. I loved that. She leaves and now I'm alone at school now. I used to walk her to her classes so now I had a lot of free time on my hands. I was sad those two weeks. My friends asked me where my girlfriend was since I was walking alone now. I told them that we weren't going out yet and that she was on vacation. The two weeks pass and they come back. But during the time she was in California we stopped texting so often since I was in school and she was time zones away. It was a hard two weeks. But when she came back I noticed she was distant from me again. I didn't bring it up. But she also started talking to another boy too which made me jealous naturally. Turns out he was my friends little brother and he had the same intentions as me. I began to be angered with him. Me and her got more distant and distant. Come finals I plan to walk with her to her classes in an attempt to stop the distancing. Turns out my "friend" gabe had the same thoughts because after each final when I went to her class to walk with her he was already there walking with her. This infuriated me. I gave up. During the next week I barely talked to her each day. Come Christmas I ask her what she thinks of me as still. She didn't really immediately. Later on at midnight I send out a merry Christmas text to people including her. She replies back merry Christmas. I ask her if she got my text earlier. She says yes. I ask her what her answer is. She says she sees me as a friend. I don't reply. I'm devastated. Torn. After 4 long hard months of trying and this is what happens. When I'm finally able to ask her out now, she friendzones me. I go into a deep depression for the next couple of days. I don't do anything. My Christmas got worse now because of that. New year eve at midnight she text back to me "Happy New Years 😊". After 5 days, this is what she texts me. I don't respond. School start again and I begin to make the biggest mistakes of my life tbh. Whenever she sees me in the hallways she does a little wave to me but I now mistakably ignore her each time. She takes to my friends brother but he never gets further with her than I did. Now I have her in my math class and I'm in full regret of my actions last year. I was stupid and dumb and I didn't know how to handle the closest thing I'd gotten to getting girlfriend and the best chance at that. And I fucked up. I didn't ask for 4 months. But I wasn't allowed to till the last month. I blame my mother for that. Now I have no clue on how she feels about me. She still looks at me every so often but I don't know how to interpret it. I miss talking to her and hearing the sound odd her lovely voice. It's been over a year now since we spoke last. I wish more than anything that I could change the way it is between us and just forget everything that happened and start over again. I miss you Nancy. 😞

There's no horrible feeling than the feeling that you've lost someone dear to you. It's possible to gain them back, but if they can't see past your flaws and appreciate you...then there really is no relationship. Call me dramatic, it's just hard when someone can't see you for who you truly are. I want to be liked/disliked/hated/loved for me and me only and no one else. I know who I am, and that I am changing; that's all I can really do. I don't know how to feel; I still care deeply, but I am starting to resent. I still hope but what if I'm hoping for something that will never happen. I'm being taken advantage of but I let it happen. My heart hurts (not to be cliche) and I want to know that everything will be okay...

When you realise you've made the biggest mistake...then you realise there's nothing you can ever do about it! A.H