#onlyifmaybe

I’ve found my person. Crazy, right? One second, you’re alone and full of memories you’ve never had with the faceless. And the next second, you’re full of every damn possibility and a face you’re so eager to see at the end of a long day. And it’s odd, because this person has given me a loss of words. Poems and chapters and books and libraries are not enough. My words are never enough. They will never do it justice. I can see my life flash before me and for once, I’m not afraid.

I said “I love you” too quickly. I knew it when it fell out of my mouth, like a penny in a two-foot deep pool at the mall. It floated for a moment and settled at the bottom of the water, amongst the rest of them. The rest of the watered down three-word swears. But once you let it go, you can’t take it back. It looks like all the others, and you can’t figure out where you were even standing. You don’t remember what song was playing, let alone anything other than the faint scent of chlorine. The moment you tried to hold onto slipped away, just like that. And thereafter, I just pulled out my pennies left and right. Because, how easy it is to throw a penny into a pseudo wishing well at the mall.

"Drink this. I can't let you go to sleep until you finish it," she said as she shoved another glass of water into my hand. "Okay, fine. But if I do, will you stay with me?" Apparently that barrel of booze came with some balls. "Deal." Of course, I immediately passed out after that. But I don't think I've ever felt so indebted to something so mundane as a glass of water. Because from that, something happened, something definitive.

She came at me with so much light, I was blinded. I wanted all of her warmth all of the time. I could feel it in my bones, on my skin, in my mind. She made me better, made me feel alive. And when it was over, she still flickered on the horizon. Never took the light out of my soul. Every now and then, I see her coming my way, a little brighter, a little longer. And I think just maybe I'm falling further. Maybe she's coming closer to shore.

I talk about love like I'm old and gray. I talk about it like I've been with the same person for most of all my life and know she's the one. I talk about love like it seeps from my heart, because it doesn't know how to contain itself. I talk about it like it's the greatest thing in all the world, because it is. But I'm not. And I haven't. But I will probably continue to talk about it just because.

I lied without intention. I told you I knew who I was, and I knew who you were. I said I knew you were the one. I said a lot of things. I made promises I couldn't keep, but I didn't mean to. And I knew the minute I woke up that morning, when I turned over to my side and saw you laying there with your limbs strewn across our sheets, that I no longer knew you. And I walked to the bathroom, looked myself in the mirror, and I no longer knew me. Somewhere in there, we got a little lost in routine. I wish I could have placed when, so I could have at least tried to keep from lying to you.

She laughed at almost everything. I couldn't tell if she was just giddy or always high. But she had the most contagious, attractive laugh any specimen could possibly have. I always made sure to keep my own chuckles to a quiet hush just so I could hear hers still.

Let's reread each other like an old book we knew we enjoyed but had forgotten. Through yellowed pages, a blur of late nights reappear. Piece by piece we begin falling back into place. A new routine muddled with the ghosts of old ones. Let's replay first kisses and dress up for nights out. Ask me about my past. Tell me about your future plans. Years and years have gone by, but subtleties like the way you bite your lip still remains. But the questions, we're still asking. The answers, wondering if they've changed. Of all parts to the story, it was the end that stuck the most. But I think we're both hoping for an alternate ending.