The Choice That Was Not You
The sound of the sea waves crashing against the shore echoed in my ears as I stepped out of the boat and onto the bustling port of Yanyu Villa. Just as how I remembered, the town sign was gigantic and conspicuous above the entrance, greeting the old and new that entered its lively town. Even though it was morning, the voices of the villagers and stallers were loud and animated.
“Sugar candy in many shape and size! Buy them now and save on another!”
“Come and look! Buy some jade for your beloved!”
“Auntie Yue, lower it a bit for me. I’ve always bought from your stall!”
Bittersweet recollections of a particular person slowly crept out from inside my heart. For five years, I had hidden her away in my memories; yet upon entering this town, the secret floodgate came crashing down. I started making my way towards the town’s big inn. As I pass by the numerous stalls along the street, I could not help but to wonder if she still lived in this town, walking these same street… and if she was, was she still thinking of me? It’s been only five years, so anything was possible.
I thought about that one certain stall—the one that sells her favorite snack food. Before I could stop myself, my two legs found their way to the front of the snack stall. The smell of the cooked dough brought back images of the smile on her face as she bit into the food. Even though it wasn’t anything fancy, but she ate it as if the most delicious food in the world. She was a simple girl, who never asked for much.
Shaking my head from her image, I continued up the bridge and away from the marketplace. Walking upward, the past replayed itself in my head, as her image stood in front of me facing the other direction. Without saying a word, as if on que, she turned, waved, and ran all the way down. Her beautiful smile was warm as she greeted me silently. Her expression was full of sincerity, dedicating wholeheartedly towards me. I smiled to the thin air as she faded away. A tinge of pain tugged at me as I realized how much I still loved her.
Why am I avoiding the obvious? I miss her like crazy, which is why I came back here to Yanyu Villa. Since I am here already, I might as well visit all our old places. Maybe, just maybe, I might be able to see her again.
The Jianghu lifestyle, though as exciting as it had been, could still be very taxing on oneself. Not a day went by when I wasn’t watching out for my back, having no one to rely on. Beside my master who taught me his swordsmanship, I had no friends. Everyone could be an enemy. It was… quite lonely compared to those days with her.
I recalled there was this beautiful cliff, where we used to spend time together. Determined, I made my way there. Back then, it was her who showed me the place first. As the daughter of the richest silk merchant in Yanyu Villa, she had a lot of free time, and she loved to sneak out and had explored almost every inch of this town. In a way, it was how we met. I was just a middle class musician’s son trying his best to follow his father’s footstep, studying days in and days out how to perfect my guqin playing.
While I was practicing away at a remote location, she stumbled across the twelve years old me. Thinking she was a promiscuous girl with no inhibition that my scholarly father warned against, I quickly gathered my stuff and walked away. Stubbornly, she followed me and talked as if I was a friend. I unknowingly placed down my stuff and started chatting with her. At some point, I let down my guard, and our silly banters turned to admiration.
“May I come visit you again?” She asked nervously as the skies started to darken.
For some reason, I couldn’t find myself to reject her. It was strange, but I knew at that time, I had grown fond of her in the short time that we had met. She was smart, witty, and beautiful. Her beauty was possibly ranked first of all the girls I have met at that age… even till now, I had not met anyone who surpassed her in that degree. A few months passed when she told me that she had found a better place for me to practice. She then brought me to the beautiful cliff side that overlooked the sea.
The sea glistened as the waves crashed against the shore. It was the most peaceful and serene place in Yanyu Villa, that not many know about. We bantered poetry and ideals, and enjoyed ourselves in the atmosphere, before she turned to me with an excited but nervous expression.
“Play for me,” she demanded playfully. I smiled and nodded. I removed the cloth covering my old guqin and placed it on my lap.
I closed my eyes and let the music flow through my fingers. Opening my eyes, I was stunned by the beautiful scene before me. She was dancing to my sound of my guqin. Her thin waist turned as her hand moved in a hypnotizing motion. I continued playing my song, not taking my eyes off her, afraid to miss out on anything. Her movements were a bit clumsy at first, but as years go by, she slowly perfected her skills. She was like a diety, and like this, we spent the next six years together growing up and falling deeper in love.
If only I can go back in time, I would love to live those carefree days with her again over and over. She was only a year younger than me, but the expectation of society was different for both genders. A male can be as old as he want and remain single, but for females, if they were not married by seventeen, people started to wag finger. She was nearing her seventeenth birthday, and the pressure of being a spinster was too much for her parents. Rejecting every single candidate her parents introduced to her, she wanted to tell them about us, but I was hesitant. At that time, I had discovered another side to life that I wanted to journey into. Since meeting her, she taught me that the world is vast, and there is more to life than just what our parents taught.
I snapped out of the memories and looked into the open sea. The skies were turning dark, signaling that it was time for me to make my way back to the inn to rest. Visiting these memories caused me a sleepless night. Before long the sun was rising, and I, too, decided it was time to pack up. There was one last place I wanted to see before I leave. As I walked to the bridge, visions of her haunted me, reminding of the heartache I felt that day.
As I reached near the area, I stopped myself. I couldn’t go there, but can only observe hesitantly from afar. The waterfall in the background was still the as vagrant as before, and the lily pads in the water were still as abundant.
I close my eyes and thought of that day… the day I broke her heart.
“I can’t stall my parents anymore. I already told them about us. They want to meet you,” she said to me while holding my hand, “They agree for us to get marry if we really love each other.”
I pulled away, avoiding her looks of confusion.
“I’m sorry,” I said to her.
“Sorry?” She said angrily, “Why are you saying sorry?!”
I shook my head.
“I thought I can just stay back and follow my parent’s wish, but I can’t. After meeting you, I realized that I want more out of this life,” I replied, “and because of that, I want to enter jianghu.”
“Then, I can go with you,” she insisted. I shook my head.
“Jianghu is dangerous. To follow my master, I can’t take you or be married.”
“After all this time, do you even love me?” she asked with her voice shaking.
“I do, but it’s not enough to hold me back. I don’t want to live a life of regret,” I cold heartedly responded turning away.
“I hate you. I never want to see you again,” she said with a wounded voice.
She took one last look at me, hoping I would change my mind and hold her, but I was adamant. Giving up, she cried in her hands, and then ran off.
Hearing her footsteps away, I turned around wanting to stop her, but in the end, I couldn’t. I had already set my heart that day to break off things. I made my choice, and as much as it pained me to know that I had hurt her, my choice did not include her in the calculation.
As I stood on the bridge, I can envision the image of her running past me with tears falling out of her eyes. Five years ago, I broke her heart, and in a way, I broke my heart with my choice. She was the only person I will ever truly love, but that information will be my secret forever. Love wasn’t something I can afford to have in this life of Jianghu. My master had made a mistake marrying his lover, and lost her due to the blades of Jianghu. Even master said, he was not entirely sure, if she had ever been happy with him. I could not afford that same mistake.
Unable to stall for more time in hopes of seeing her one last time, I had to leave this city. Once again, I am forced to bury these feelings as I had done five years ago. Walking past an entrance with a circular doorway, I shockingly saw her walking out, as she, too, noticed me with a stunned shock expression on her face.
She had not changed much, only more mature than I last saw her. Her beauty was still peerless. Though it was only a few second, in that short moment, the both of us just looked at each other, as if frozen in time. The sound of my heartbeat increased, as my throat couldn’t utter a single sound. In a sense, it seems like she was too.
Then another voice called her name, breaking us out of our trance. She quickly turned to him as he opened his arm to catch her in a hug.
“Sorry to make you wait, my beautiful wife,” he said not wanting to let go, but pulled back eventually, caressing the side of her face. At his back was a red oak wood guqin, the highest quality of its kind. Even mine, back then, was of the medium quality. In a way, it made me a bit jealous to see her married to a musician.
“Let’s go,” she said to him, “our son is waiting.”
He smiled and looked at her as if she was the only thing in his world and nodded. My body couldn’t move as the aching truth smacked me in the face. I wanted to yell at her, challenged him, and demand she come back to my side. At the same time, I just wanted to talk to her one more time, hug her, and catch up on life, but it was too late, and I had no rights. It will only bring me pain.
They walked past the frozen me, and after a quick second, I turned around and watched them one last time. She didn’t look back, but instead look at him and smiled that same smile that I know too well. It was then I realized that a part of me was relieved knowing that she had the happiness she deserve; albeit, it’s not with me. I sighed and made my way towards exit of town and into the main road. It’s time to move on and back into the Jianghu life that I had chosen.
My only love of this lifetime. Please be happy always so I won’t have any regret. Goodbye. ---- Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this short oneshot. Accompany is the music video I made for this story. -YeoGamer/Writer
