#onelastcut

I feel so desperately alone right now. I can feel that everything is starting to get bad again and honestly, I don't know how to deal with it all. I feel so helpless, like I'm just existing and not actually living. I'm watching everyone and everything go by, and I'm just stuck here like this, like how I've been for the past five years. I feel like all the people who used to at least kind of care about me have abandoned me and I'm just so alone. I'm alone with my thoughts and my fears and it's like this is never going to end. Every time my mood lifts ever so slightly, it just comes crashing down again. I've gained so much weight since this time last year and it's so unbelievably noticeable in photos. It literally disgusts me more than anything in the world and it makes me want to cry every time I look at my body. I basically lost all that weight for nothing since I gained so much, but I'm still so determined to lose it all again. Most times, I don't even care anymore. I'm just so sick and tired of having to try so hard just to do simple things. I wake up every single morning wanting to die and no one understands. I have no one and that's never going to change. I'm never going to change. I'm just going to let myself get worse because what's the point in trying for no one. No one cares about me and it's pretty much always been like this. No matter how much someone tells me that they care about me, they always leave me in the end. No one has ever stayed in my life long enough and it's usually because they realise how pathetic and worthless I am. I realise how pathetic and worthless I am. I just don't know what to do anymore. It hurts so much. It hurts because I always try my hardest to be nice to everyone around me because I know how it feels to have people be horrible to you. I try so hard to help people when they're sad and alone even if I don't know them, yet no one is ever there for me when it's my turn to need someone. I guess I'm just never going to be good enough for anyone. It hurts so much to wake up everyday, having to face the world when it feels like the entire world is against me. I kind of really wish I was dead. Maybe I will be soon.  

update: i stopped coughing up blood so i'm hoping it's all good

i'm so sick and tired of feeling like this

no one will ever love me and that's okay.

i just want to die 

I feel like I'm falling and no one's going to be there to catch me. There's this constant wave of sadness that's always hovering over me and I'm just so tired. I'm tired of trying to be happy, of lying to the people around me. I'm so sick and tired of waking up everyday, wanting to die. I'm so scared. I'm scared that I'm never going to get better but in some sick and twisted way, I kind of don't want to. I'm so pathetic and dumb and I'm so fucking weak. I just want one day, one day where I look into the mirror and don't cry at my reflection. I want one day where I am able to eat and not throw it back up again because I always feel empty afterwards. I don't deserve to be alive and sometimes I think that maybe I deserve all of this pain I feel. I'd rather die than live another day feeling like this. It's so horrible and no one will ever completely understand. I don't want to pretend anymore. I just want to be able to say I'm happy and truly mean it. I don't want to have to take these stupid pills to make me slightly less sad than I was before I took them. It makes me sad because I know that I'm never going to be good enough, for anyone. No one is ever going to want me. I wish I could be a better person but I don't know how to do that. I feel like I have no one and it hurts me so much because that's never going to change. I just spend my days crying, sleeping and not going to school. I thought I was getting better at one point but I've just slowly become the person I hated again. My entire life is just a big fucking relapse and I'm just so sick and tired of it. I'm tired of living and I'm tired of being me. I'm not scared of dying anymore because death must be better than this hell I'm living.