#oneirophobic

that's where i found myself, on the couch with matt, the others off doing whatever. matt sat on one end lost in his phone as i laid on the other with my nose shoved in a book.

as i read, my hand resides on my thigh, pretending it was matt's fingers drawing shapes along the skin, and kind of just holding onto myself.

matt's eyes wandered over to me, examining me for a moment before scooting over to me. he took my hand off my thigh, allowing himself access to my side.

"what are you doing?" i asked him as he buried himself into my side. "giving my girlfriend the attention she deserves," he mumbled into the crook of my neck, placing a few light kisses here and there.

my body tensed, did i make him feel guilty?

he felt it, "what's wrong?" he asked sitting up to examine my face. i shrugged, "just thought you weren't a fan of physical touch."

"are you kidding me?" he said, burying himself back to where he was before, "i love shit like this." i laughed at his tone, my worry dissolving that instant, "well good, because i really wanted this," i smiled, placing a hand in his hair.

we just stayed like that, for hours. him asleep in my arms, snoring slightly as my eyes bounced between my book and his angelic features.

today, i laid on his bed with my nose in my book as he took a shower to try and calm himself. once he exited the bathroom, he sat down to finish editing a video.

i drowned out the replaying video until i had heard matt's breathing pick up. "matt, you okay honey?" i asked softly.

"no, this stupid shit-" he exclaimed, slamming his hands on his desk and standing up beginning to pace around the room. i stood up with him, stopping him in his tracks, "matt, it's okay. can i help you with it?"

"no, it's my work! you shouldn't have to work for me while i have a meltdown like a little kid!" he exclaimed, his throat tightening.

"matt, deep breaths," i spoke, "you're not acting like a little kid, you're just having a hard time, and that's alright." he began wiping his tears, about to speak before i cut him off, "can i hug you?"

he was quick to accept, wrapping his arms around my waist. "how about i get you something to eat and we can work on it together, okay?"

"okay," he croaked into my shoulder.

matt sat back down and waited for me to come back. i came back with with a bag of chips and a can rootbeer for him. i sat down on his lap and helped him with the rest of the editing while he wrapped his arms around my waist and had his head on my shoulder.

i had been in one of those episodes of skipping meals, just downing bottles of water to suppress the grumbling that my stomach produced.

chris realized the absurd increase of water i was consuming and found the sandwich matt got me hidden away in the back of the refrigerator. that's when he took it upon himself to take action.

he shuffled around the kitchen preparing something i would possibly eat. the only thing he was able to come up with was buttery pasta, something easy to face.

he came waddling up the stairs with a small bowl in hand, to not scare me with the portions. "y/n/n," he said in a singsong voice as he walked into the room.

"whatt," i responded, marking the place in my book to flip onto my back and face him. "do you want some of my pasta?" he politely smiled, attempting to make himself less suspicious as he sat down next to me on the bed.

"i'm fine, i'm not hungry," i said softly, sitting up to place a kiss on his nose, "thank you though." chris was visibly hurt, "i know you didn't eat the sandwich matt got you," he said.

i became defensive, "what? i did!" i lied. "no you didn't, you stashed it in the back of the fridge," he spoke gently.

a lump had climbed its way into my throat, forcing tears to form. "hey, hey, hey, no no no no," chris said frantically, placing the bowl on the nightstand and wiping my tears.

"i'm sorry chris," i cried, leaning into his chest while his arms wrapped around me. "you're okay baby, i know it's hard for you," he whispered into my hair.

"can you at least try to eat a little bit of this?" he asked, picking up the bowl. i stared at the bowl and then looked at him.

"can you eat it with me?" i asked, looking into his deep blue eyes. "of course baby," he said, "be right back," as he ran downstairs to get himself a bowl.

when he came back, we both had pasta wrapped around our forks as he sat across from me. he counted us down before we both took the forks into our mouths.

he smiled at me as i put the fork back into the bowl and opened my mouth to show him it was gone. "you did it!" he cheered, "see wasn't so bad was it?"

every time i debated on making a move on chris, his words echoed through my head, "to be honest, i don't think i'm ready for a relationship," he had said in a car video a while back. i had been sitting in the backseat as those words spilled from his beautiful lips, immediately burning my heart.

but, i had to act as if nothing was wrong. maintaining our close bond and hoping to god the way my cheeks grow pink when he touches me goes unnoticed.

that's where i found myself, sitting in the back seat of the triplet's car waiting in the long line of burger king. despite how badly i wanted to sink my teeth into one of their burgers, i couldn't hold back the feeling of anxiety.

i'd rather be at home, in my bed, buried in blankets, not seeing chris.

chris realized i had grown quiet, sliding his hand to the back, wanting me to interlock our fingers.

i silently refused, leaving him to bring his hand back to his lap. i felt bad and brought my knees to my chest, managing to hide the silent tears from the boys around me.

as soon as we made it to the triplet's house, we all sat down at the kitchen island to eat. i tried to act like nothing was wrong, keeping my act persistent.

once everyone was done, they had headed up to bed, besides chris.

"are you sleeping in my room tonight?" he asked, obvious hope on his face. i shook my head, "i'm just gonna sleep on the couch," i spoke softly.

"okay, what's wrong?" he asked, giving up on hiding his concern. i turned and grabbed the throw blanket and pillows off the couch and began making my set up, "what do you mean? i'm perfectly fine!" i beamed, forcing a smile.

"don't play games with me y/n," he said, a tinge of anger in his voice. i give up.

"fine!" i raised my voice slightly, "i like you chris! and i can't fucking take it!" tears began welling in my eyes, he just stood there looking at me.

that's when the words began spilling out like vomit, "i know that you don't want a relationship, so i knew that i couldn't tell you. if i did-"

"god damn it y/n!" chris exclaimed, splashing his hand into the dish water in front of him. "what is it now?" i asked, an annoyed tone in my voice.

"what the fuck is this??" he asks, holding up a mug with an imprint of my lipstick from this morning on the rim. "chris. are you seriously getting mad over lipstick?" i sass.

"yes, yes i am," he sasses back. "christopher, it's just lipstick!" i exclaim, taking the mug from his hands and simply rinsing the print away with water.

i shoved it to his chest, "you don't seem so pissed with it all over your face," i mumbled, beginning to walk away.

"what the fuck did you just say?" he says, both hands on either side of the sink. "i said, you don't seem so pissed with it all over your face!" i screamed.

chris stood there looking at me. he raised his hand pointing in the direction of the door. "out," he barks, his face reddening.

"fine," i say, on the verge of tears and grabbing my keys.

i spent the rest of the night in my bed curled into a ball. notifications from my phone echoed through my apartment, pleas from chris to answer him.

after a while, the notifications stopped, chris just gave up. it was over, wasn't it?

keys began fumbling at the door, unlocking it. shit, what the fuck do i do?? is someone really breaking in? how did they have a key??

i sat up in bed and grabbed a candle close to me to use as a weapon. until chris appeared in the doorway with his hands up.

"what the fuck are you doing here?!" i exclaimed, "you scared the shit out of me!" chris' eyes began to well, "i wanted to say sorry, i shouldn't have yelled at you over something that little," he sobbed.

i stared at him for a minute, setting the candle down. i approached him, my arms open wide for him to embrace me. he wasted no time in doing so, sobbing into my shoulder.

"chris, it's okay, calm down," i shushed him, swaying back and forth. "i'm just really sorry, i don't want to hurt you," he sniffled.

all those moments with each other formed feelings, which led matt to asking me out one night as we laid in his bed tangled in each other's arms like we'd usually do. after that our bond grew even stronger.

once we started dating, we became even more open to each other, way more vulnerable than before. we'd witnessed each other's attacks and calmed each other down with the simplest of touches. like when we'd go through a drive thru with each other, he'd tense up a little bit. i'd rub his arm and play with his hands to calm him down, and it worked like a charm every time.

tonight was one of those night when we just laid around and enjoyed each other's company. i laid there reading my book, resting it slightly on matt's head as he laid on my chest, matching his breathing to mine and dozing off to the rhythm of my heartbeat. his hand was latched onto my shoulder, slowly stopping the motions of drawing stars, hearts and other shapes with thumb. my free hand is on his head, rubbing his scalp, occasionally leaving to flip the page.

i had finished another chapter in my book, deciding that it was enough for tonight and tossing it to the side. i looked down at matt who was lightly snoring into my chest, god i love him.

i can't muster up words to explain how much i love this boy. i started getting slightly emotional, my breath picking up and tears welling in my eyes. my chest began rising at a faster pace while silent tears escaped from my eyes. matt stirred a bit before looking up at me with sleepy eyes. once he saw the tears he immediately shot up, "hey, hey, what's wrong baby?"

"nothing's wrong, i'm fine," i smiled through my tears and sitting up with him. "then why are you crying, sweetheart?" he asked, cocking his head to the side like a puppy and wiping my tears. "i just love you so much," i cried, leaning into his palm. "you're crying because you love me?" he smiled, making me nod in response.

"aw, baby, you don't have to cry over that," he spoke, hugging me and placing kisses on my face. "can you tell me why you love me so much to the point that you're crying?" he asked, looking into my eyes.

"i can't even explain it," i sniffled. "why not?" he questioned, wiping stray tears from my eyes. "words will never be able to explain how much i love you," i giggled,

"actions speak louder than words," he said just above a whisper, a dopey smile spreading across my face. i slowly leaned in to kiss him, cupping his face with my hand, holding him like he was delicate. our lips connected, moving in sync with each other. matt rested his hand at the nape of my neck, deepening the kiss. i think i got my point across.

i lay in my hotel room, staring at the ceiling. my eyeliner and mascara smudged around my face, streaks of black landing on the sheets. i had no reason to feel like this, i'm just so upset with myself.

my phone rings for the seventh time in a row, the ringing making me cry harder. the ringing stops -- before it starts again. i shot up and grabbed it angrily.

my gaze softened almost instantly. it's matt.

i answer and don't say anything, he does for me, "y/n!"

"where are you?" he asks softly, the sound of the tires on the road audible through the phone. "the hotel by alewife.." i said through my tears. "shit, what are you doing in cambridge?" he asked, the car coming to a stop. "i-i'm just so tired matt.." i choked, burying my face into the pillow.

"i know baby, please don't do anything to yourself," he cries himself, "i need you. i'm on my way, pl- please don't do anything." his words broke me.

"i won't anymore, matt.." i sobbed, feeling shame pulse through me. i pushed my bag away from me and let it clatter to the floor, knowing what it contained. "promise?" he asked, his voice trembling, the turn signal clicks over him. "i promise.. how far are you?" i questioned, trying to focus on him instead of the lightness of my head.

"a few minutes," he spoke, the car speeding up.

"i'm feeling woozy.." i muttered.

"hang in there sweetheart, i know you're strong.. i love you.." he spoke, the fear audible in his voice.

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"swear i could've done it if you weren't there when i hit the floor."