#on mind

im not sure if i can explain but i think the way that many people think about mental illnesses is analogous to the way that many people think about dungeons and dragons/ttrpgs

learning more and more about schizophrenia and realizing that the language part of my mind is genuinely running on claude code compared to most other people

thr neurotypical mind cannot comprehend getting locked out of your own mind

its actually so so comforting to realize ive just been some manner of schizospec my whole life. speech alone has always been this whole big immense thing for me. its just been so. uniquely difficult my whole life lol. i mean idk i feel like i come across pretty wellspoken online where the pace is of course much slower, even turn-based rather than realtime, but just. these things im seeing. word salad. the word salad my whole whole life just so often i feel like im throwing shoes at a crowd to make them go away. thats my words. they go away once im successful. and blockingggggg like holy hell.. sometimes ill just lose my momentum in the middle of a sentence and freeze up and it confuses others and it confuses me and im always like why did i do that??!!!!!! clanging. clanging im always clanging. its in lots of my posts its in so many things ive said my whole life. everything is here. word salad. disorganization in general. thoughts speech lifestyle. neologisms. derailments. i think this must be why im the way i am about words. they just all float so freely in my mind. poetry rhythms rhymes sounds letters backronyms etymology linguistics semantics meanings synonym webs word games. i dont know. its super crazie to have a Revelation

there is no intrinsic meaning or narrative to life except for all these signs the universe keeps showing me- the schizospec postmodernist

also the laughter oh my godd.. the laughter has always perplexed me. i rember in high school especially it was kinda just this Thing with me where i would often laugh at random nothings that i knew wouldnt even be funny soon after. laughing really hard and long to the point where it would sometimes get disruptive. once on a band trip we were walking into a kfc and i started giggling about something and this other clarinet girl said "[deadname], remember where you are". tghe fuckingggg. christ ive actually been undiagnosed schizophrenic as Hell my whole life i should a medal or maybe a holiday even theyre sayig