#on intelligence

It really fucks you up because for one it teaches you that you are constantly being evaluated and perceived, the discrepancy it causes is just jarring.

If you get complimented for your intelligence all of your fucking life up into adulthood even relatively early on for just saying stuff you think is basic and other people somehow view as smart and impressive, or knowing some things which anyone can learn through a a quick Google search, whether you wanted or not you are going to at least want to be seen as the smart one especially if you otherwise don't have many friends because it becomes your identity and what your known for.

But then whenever someone tells you that you are going to feel like shit because you are thinking that person is going to be set up for this appointment and you're going to feel anxious for the moment they are going to find out that you're clumsy and scatterbrained as shit. Because you know what it's like to be treated like a complete moron and like you're some small annoying child, since some people have seen your clumsy side only and judged you for it.

And somehow if people tell me I'm so intelligent (unless they actually know me very well, then I can appreciate the compliment and in that case I honestly really love it) there are always feel like I'm accidentally bullshitting them even though I don't intend to, I feel like an impostor and I feel like they are just going to say the moment they find stupid stuff I really do and that your image of me was an illusion all along. I also get this mildly depressed suddenly I feel like I have this value that is only very shallow and temporary.

Usually in environments where I'm supposed to show practical skills like coordination, remembering instructions without writing them down, I'm considered stupid, but anytime I am in environment where I'm supposed to read or synthesize information I'm suddenly considered to be the smart one and I don't even try and I feel like an impostor I don't even think I'm smart. Honestly the conclusions I draw to me are very obvious and I'm surprised that other people don't get to make these conclusions. I'm not saying this in arrogant way like oh you are so stupid not seeing the obvious I'm just saying that I feel like I'm saying very basic stuff that is very obvious and to me it doesn't even feel like a conclusion or an idea it just feels like it's there you know and people will say what I said is smart which is weird to me.

I don't even know what it's that I do that leads people to think I'm smart because I'm not trying like I said, and one time I was literally talking to a friend and then a stranger chimed in and he was like you seem smart you're probably a college student right. Well I wasn't and I wondered what make this guy think that because I literally was just making small talk.

And it's also been damaging to my mental health to be told I'm smart while at the same time being treated like I'm stupid all that time like which one am I why are you constantly defining me.