I just said I was squirming because of the cold but holy fuck was I about to lose it. I leaked when I stood up to adjust the main halyard from the bow but the way the water hit me (it splashed next to me and then collected into a puddle beneath me) it looks like I pissed myself already so if I had they wouldn't have noticed. I'm sure. I hope.

God the feeling of that warm trickle down my leg cutting through the ice cold lakewater. Once I leak I usually cannot stop it is a miracle I didn't piss myself then and there shivering like a wet dog. I was terrified. That little trickle went on for a while, too, not just a big spurt. Just slow enough to not be noticeable, but long enough that I was consciously aware of the fact that if I moved I'd probably lose control.

But if you want to sail you have to be moving, and even if I had the option to stay still, the wind was not on my side. The waves weren't dangerous, but they were enough to have the people usually cheering about waves a little bit afraid.

I on the other hand, was so afraid of a genuine accident I was prepared to go overboard and let go in the water. Unfortunately, the wind was so high that it wouldn't have been safe with the waves. So I just had to pray we cut through one that splashed enough water on everything that I could let go there and nobody would notice. That didn't happen, and even if it did, I am usually not very hydrated and the color would have been obvious.

I couldn't hold myself because it would have been embarrassing, and I could already tell that the other two had figured out something was wrong with me and let me just say. One thing about a piss kink is that it makes me TERRIFIED of genuine accidents. It feels like taboo.

And I've mentioned before here, I am a very, very squirmy person. That was turned up to 11. I was rocking back and forth, changing positions, clenching so hard, I kept saying I was just nervous and cold (I do have cold sensitivity. Fun fact: cold water getting poured on me makes me loose all bladder control or at least severely weaken it.)

Now, anybody who's been on a boat with a sail is familiar with tacking and jiving. We were going to tack, in high waves, with high wind, at high speed. Maybe this isn't always the case, but when we tack, it is ROUGH. The entire boat gets flung to the other direction, and it's a scramble to get from the now low side of the boat to the high side. You also have to duck so as not to get hit in the head by the boom (the horizontal bar under the main sail. It's called that because of the sound it makes when it hits you in the head.)

So, I panic. I have to duck, roll, and in my attempt to get from one side of the boat to the other we hit a wave and I lost all points of contact and I damn near pissed myself out of fear. Just another leak I somehow managed to stop. Though this time my pants were saturated and my legs weren't soaking wet, and my fears are proven, its a very notable yellow that looks nothing like water.

Fortunately, nobody saw because they were both too locked in. The person tacking was tacking solo (much easier with two people because you're handling both jib sheets) while the other person steered. Now, usually tacking is part of my job (and raising the sail. I love it.) But I think they figured something was wrong and wordlessly took over my job.

At this point, from the amount I let out, the pressure was a little bit lessened. I decided that if I'm going to piss myself it cannot be bright yellow. So... like a fucking dumbass, I down my water bottle. Now, I don't have a little tiny pathetic water bottle. The thing is huge. Obviously this was a horrible idea. It was fine for a little while, before the pressure shot up out of nowhere. It was so fast I made a sound. At this point, we had agreed that a storm was coming and we were headed back to the harbor.

I am fighting for my very life. The plan was to make my pee look less like pee and then just piss myself next time we took a big wave that brought water onto the ship, and now we're headed through the first break wall and into relatively calm waters. We wrap up the boat. I do what I can. And then I realize something: The tender.

The tender still has to pick us up and take us to the dock, since our keelboat is tied to a can. This means: Getting in a boat, and getting out of a boat, and a boat ride with someone I don't know, and the risk of them taking a detour to pick up other people nearby. I realize now that I could have just jumped in the water and said that I slipped trying to grab the can. I honestly don't know why I didn't do that.

The tender comes to pick us up. My mind is scrambling. I decide to put my water bottle up on the edge of the boat and knock it in "accidentally" so I have to dive and catch it and then just let go. My glorious friend whom I love so much says "I'll get it, you rest." and dives in before I can stop him.

He hands me my water. My pants are mostly dry. I do not have the "I sat in water which is why it looks like I pissed myself" excuse anymore. I can not risk letting any out. I jam my poor, poor water bottle between my thighs and CLENCH. Just a little longer. God please just a little longer. I'm going to explode at this point. It's honestly a little hot but I am mostly afraid.

I manage to get up onto the dock, and as I'm facing the dock and the last one off the boat I feel myself leak just a little bit. Just a slow trickle that isn't immediately obvious. I look down fearfully. Somehow my plan worked! It isn't neon yellow! It is still however, yellow.

And at this point, life decided to have mercy on me. Rain starts coming down. Hard. I am soaked through in a few seconds, still clinging to the ladder. Tender asks if I'm alright, I just make a joke about being tired and tell him to go pick up other people.

I am free. Nobody is looking at me, at least not directly. I am soaked through with rain. This is my only opening. I, clinging to the ladder, start to fully piss myself. And it SOUNDED like it. One thing I didn't anticipate is that rain and a massive stream of piss don't sound the same, so I had to force myself to slow down to mask it. I have an insanely large bladder, it went on for what felt like forever.

I realize that my friends are waiting and a little bit worried. They look over and ask if I'm doing okay, and I am both blessed and cursed with a number of ailments that randomly make me dizzy/weak/nauseous, and people assume it's that before anything else. I just say I got really dizzy and tell them to just let me hang out for a bit whilst desperately trying not to sound like I am actively pissing my pants.

Fortunately that little back and forth both covered the sound and gave me an excuse to stay where I was, so I dragged it out for a bit whilst trying my best to cut the stream, because at the rate I was going, it would take forever. I eventually did cut the stream! And now we get into act two of god why the fuck did I think that was a good idea.

My bladder is probably half empty. But now I am once again, cold and wet. As I stagger back to the docks, I start to leak again, this time much worse. It's not too noticeable because of the pouring rain, but if anybody was paying attention they could definitely tell.

We all agree to sit on towels for the car ride home, since we, in our hubris, did not bring a change of clothes. Now, there's not really a bathroom at the docks. It's a location, there's a building for the people who work there, but not really a public bathroom.

As soon as I stop the constant trickling, I wrap myself in the biggest, darkest towel we have like a tube and sit in the backseat. Everything is fine, bladder is probably mostly empty. Or so I thought. Then we hit a bump right outside my house! In the car and I lose almost everything. I was able to get more of the towel under myself in time so as not to piss all over my friend's car, but I definitely soaked through the towel a little bit.

Now, once I get dropped off, I take my things and the towel, go to my house, close the door behind me, and piss everything that was left in me on the floor. The puddle was honestly not that impressive which was almost embarrassing. I don't have a sense of smell so I have no idea if they could smell it or not, if they did they didn't say anything. The idea haunts me.