#old convos

:i love you, nico why?

:because I love you too... i want us to last

:i want to have a family with u

:me too. Ull be the best wife...mother...we’ll have cats

:and dogs

:it would be perfect. Im scared tho.

:why?

I know it's not healthy, but I can't bring myself to delete a lot of the old conversations I had with my ex.

Here's a summary of what I found for December 1st, 2017

The convo starts with him asking for forgiveness and wanting (for once) to help me with the troubles I had expressed. He asked me to review the details of the day and point out what made me feel crappy.

I started with our lunch hour in which he learned he had insufficient funds in his lunch account. In a rage he banged his fists against tables and practically ran away with me following. Never afraid to make a scene, he hit a few more things and said that it was a sign from God to starve himself.

Next, I talked about his actions in our Language Arts class in which I had accidentally misinformed him of a due date. I was especially upset by this because I rarely make mistakes like that, but he had done it all the time and I was never upset! Knowing it was wrong to stay angry at me, he tried to take his feelings out on the teacher instead. So, he wrote a hateful letter to her that I had to repeatedly convince him to not give to her. In fact, after I read it I wouldn't give it back because I knew he'd find a way to give it to her. After being let out of that class, he was very tense and I tried to soothe him. He refused all help from me while accusing me of never helping. When I told him how that made me feel he said I just needed to remind him not to do that.

In the next class we had together we were split into groups. I really wanted to be with my friends but as usual, he snuck into the group and made me focus all attention on him. As the class let out, we began walking to my next class (which we had done everyday despite my protests). That day, however, he wanted me to walk him all the way to his class instead of him walking me halfway to my class. I refused because my class was all the way across campus and I'm late everyday anyways. This flipped an internal switch in him. Hearing the word "no" made him freaking scary and he ended up walking me (marching or stomping really) ALL THE WAY to my classroom. He was demonstrating the lengths he'd go for me and shamed me for not doing the same for him.

When we met up again after school he gave me a note of questions such as "How do I know if you're really okay or if you're lying to me?". I was so done at that point that I refused to answer it (he'd constantly ask me these guiltful questions that I'd answer honestly, but he chose not to hear me). Eventually he wore me down and the solution we reached was to create a code word that meant "I'm seriously okay" as in "I'm not shitting you, when I say I'm okay I mean it". The word was falaflay and I never used it because even if I'm not okay, his reaction to me being not okay would be 10x worse.

Then I told him about what he did in Annie rehearsal. His character was different from mine: he was a drunken, homeless drifter and I was a polite, quiet servant (sounds familiar, doesn't it?). He was supposed to learn choreography for a scene that day but was too mentally weak to do so. He dragged me away from my good friends to a hidden area where he and I cried together to get out pent up emotions. I finally got away and was able to chill with my pals for 0.2 seconds before he had another break down I needed to console.

Once I had told him all the upsetting event of the day, he apologized but it never left me feeling satisfied. Maybe it's because his "sorry's" were tied in with excuses. He could sense dissatisfaction in me and suggested I punish him. He wanted me to be mad at him for what he'd done to me that day, leaving me to explain once again that violence is never the answer, I was never mad, and all was forgiven.

Dayen: du bist offiziell nicht mehr meine Beute.

Dayen: Du bist... schlecht.

Dayen: unehrlich

Dayen: ein schwein

Dayen: und herzlos

do i do it anyway? also yes.