#ohmpanda

The stars lean down to kiss you                                                                              And I lie awake and miss you                                                                            Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere.

It was almost numbing to Ryan. The sound of breaking glass, the screech of tires on the pavement, and the smoke pouring in through the windows. He felt the blood rushing to his head as the sounds of sirens drew closer. He felt a hand grab his, almost clinging onto life. Ryan had never intended for this to happen. Especially not to Anthony. Anyone but Anthony. His whole life shattered into pieces when the news was given to him. "I'm sorry Ryan. Your boyfriend didn't make it." His chest convulsed, his mind blank, sadness consuming him. Ryan drove home alone that night, bursting into tears the second he entered the house he and Anthony had shared. The photos of the two strung about the ledges and high on along the walls. There was only one thing that could possibly numb the pain. He opened the cabinet, grabbing a bottle of Vodka. He tried to forget, but he would continue to remember. 

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly                                                                  But I'll miss your arms around me                                                                            I'd send a postcard to you, dear                                                                    'Cause I wish you were here

Morning after morning was met with a headache and a pain that couldn't be fixed. Ryan wandered around the house, the grief inside him growing. He became distraught, taking breaks from making videos. His subscribers were concerned, his friends worried. Ryan found comfort in listening to Anthony's playlist and sleeping within Anthony's side of the bed. Relishing in the memories of when Anthony was there during his darkest nights to wrap his arms around for comfort. Ryan didnt drive or even think about touching the steering wheel for weeks. He wished he could turn back time, and bring back the one he loved.

I'll watch the night turn light blue                                                                         But it's not the same without you                                                              Because it takes two to whisper quietly

Ryan stayed outside the house for hours everyday. The grief was starting to edge away. Ryan just couldn't stand being in the house for a long period of time. He'd take Buddy out for long walks, and sit at his favorite coffee shop. Just the little things to help him cope. He was slowly starting to reinteract with the community again, telling his fans that everything was going to be okay. Lifted up by the messages of comfort from the community and his friends. He occasionally had Tyler over to talk about the days Anthony was there. They would both grieve together. It felt nice to know that there was always someone feeling the same way. 

The silence isn't so bad                                                                                        'Til I look at my hands and feel sad                                                                  'Cause the spaces between my fingers                                                              Are right where yours fit perfectly

The porch became Ryan's safe spot. When sadness wracked his brain and body he'd step outside, letting the cold winter air wash over his body. He would often stay out until the winds picked up and the stars looked blurry from the tears. Ryan looked at the lines and veins that traveled along his hands and through his palms. They were soaked, the salty water leaving his hands a mess. Anthony's hands had always been the perfect fit. The ones that held Ryan close when he really needed it. No longer there.

I'll find repose in new ways                                                                          Though I haven't slept in two days'                                                                Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone

The nights were always the hardest, however Ryan learned to adapt. Pillows always made the most comfortable thing to sleep against, now that the other source of warmth was no longer. It almost felt like he was right back to how it used to be. However, no matter how comfy the pillow was hugging his body, he couldn't fall asleep. His dreams were plagued with the memories. Only nights where he was flat out drunk did the memories avoid him. Sometimes he couldn't find sleep at all. The will to sleep completely left him.

But drenched in vanilla twilight                                                                              I'll sit on the front porch all night                                                                              Waist deep in thought because when                                                                     I think of you I don't feel so alone

It had been a cold winter night. The sky was painted a beautiful shade of purple as Ryan sat on the porch steps. It was hard to believe it had already been six months. It barely felt like a few days. However he was feeling a lot better.Tyler had been by recently and Luke had come to comfort him more often. He had picked up gaming one again, playing like his life depended on it. Mostly because it did. He had surrounded himself with his friends once again, feeling glorious in the company of people he cared about. As the sun set and the purple coloring slowly faded from the sky, Ryan found himself thinking back to the day that Anthony had said those words that had made his heart race. Right there on that now sacred porch.

I don't feel so alone                                                                                                 I don't feel so alone

Ryan could still see the moment clear as day. Still see Anthony sitting next to him, holding Ryan's hand in his own. Then leaning over to place a gentle kiss on Ryan's cheek. Whispering in his ear."Ryan we've been together for a long time. Once we get out of this dusty town, we'll go somewhere nice. Just you and I. And when we do.. Would you marry me?" Only a precious few days before the accident had happened.

As many times as I blink                                                                                       I'll think of you tonight

The tears started to roll down his face. Ryan sobbed. They could've had it all. Been the perfect couple, the perfect family. Now it was dashed, gone, all wasted on the broken pieces of glass in the middle of the street. The ring and wedding lay dormant in his dreams. A new figment of his imagination to cling onto.

I'll think of you tonight

That's when Luke established a place in his life. Luke had filled the void in which Anthony had left. Ryan was tired of crying, and by reestablishing a relationship it might bring him closer to the lover he had lost. When Luke bent down on one knee on that brisk February morning, Ryan knew that this was the final goodbye.

When violet eyes get brighter                                                                            And heavy wings grow lighter                                                                               I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

The wedding was glorious. Red and Grey strung about the venue. It was all that Ryan had dreamed of. Family and friends sat in the isles, bells chiming. The two stood at the alter, priest at the ready. Jonathan stood by Luke's side as best-man while Bryce stood by Ryan's. The two shared their kiss as the cheers rose up from the crowd. That night the two went to the local cemetery. Ryan took a knee by a grand headstone. He pressed a gentle kiss to the cold stone before leaving the bouquet of wedding flowers in the dirt underneath. 

And I'll forget the world that I knew                                                                     But I swear I won't forget you                                                                             Oh if my voice could reach back through the past                                               I'd whisper in your ear,

If only time could reverse itself, maybe things would've been different. Throughout his lifetime, Ryan never forgot all the good memories he had with the man that he once had the pleasure of loving. He would always have a place there in Ryan's heart.