@ofsavior said: “I know things were different back then —” Chifuyu pauses, hesitation catching in his throat before he swallows harshly. “With Hanma. But you don’t… miss it…” There’s an edge of concern to his tone, as if he’s asking himself if he even wants to know the answer. Because if Kazutora says yes, then what does that even mean for them? His eyes search. Kazutora’s expression for answers, but they’re out of Chifuyu’s reach. With a final plea, he asks, “Do you?” (Bonten)
Kazutora tilts his head a fraction towards Chifuyu to show he's listening, but he doesn't look directly at him. Not yet at least. At most he earns a curious glance up from his phone when he hears the unusual hesitation before he looks back down. Chifuyu's pauses strike him more as contemplative than hesitation, like Chifuyu's picking the words to make his point clearer rather than being concerned or fighting to say them.
But when Hanma's name is mentioned, his head jerks up, earring ringing sharply at the violent gesture as he stares directly at Chifuyu.
" Why? What's brought this up? " Kazutora asks, suddenly finding himself defensive at the question. And he knows, he knows, that he's probably bristling over it. He consciously forces his shoulders to relax as he stares at Chifuyu and then looks away. They don't talk about the past terribly often. Or rather, Kazutora doesn't get the luxury to. Chifuyu mentions Toman from time to time, but Kazutora is all but mute on that particular topic. He offers a lending ear but he has little input other than the occasional rare remark. When he does, he always says it carefully, like the words are full of thorns. Valhalla talk had been reserved for the last time he'd seen Chome and Chonbo while in jail. He thinks he mentioned it once and had never said it again after seeing the reaction. But Valhalla wasn't a bad memory for Kazutora. Hanma wasn't a bad memory.
" Chifuyu... " Kazutora has a bad feeling about this. " You mean Valhalla as a whole? Or just Hanma? " He wonders if the distinction even matters to Chifuyu. Probably not. They're probably both bad to him. Just like Kazutora tunes out Toman memories on the occasions others are around to reunite. Except Kazutora simply always wanted to seal that chapter shut and move on. Toman hadn't been his refuge. But the way others speak of Valhalla is never pleasant. It's like a forbidden conversation.
" I don't exactly see myself running around smashing car windows like i did then. I'm not fifteen anymore. " He jokes, letting the sound scratch his throat. He can hear the concern and it feels like he's being tested. Again. " Listen, Chifuyu. I don't know what brought this up considering you avoid talking about Hanma or Valhalla like its the plague. But I was fifteen. I enjoyed it then. Valhalla. Hanma. I liked him. More than I ever had Mikey. It felt like my gang. " He shrugs, turning to look at Chifuyu, but his expression remains guarded.
Does he miss it? Kazutora watches Chifuyu try to read him, but his expression doesn't waver. Kazutora's watching Chifuyu just as intently if not more so. " Sure, I miss the bonds I had in Valhalla. I think that's understandable. I had good memories with Valhalla, Hanma, all that. Of course I miss some of those times. What outcast kid wouldn't when they found somewhere that felt welcoming and had fun? It's the same way you guys miss Toman. " But can Chifuyu get that? Or does the past make it too hard to see? to understand? " It's been gone for years, so what does it matter? They're just memories, Chifuyu. Most people look at memories good memories fondly, doesn't mean anything. I don't know what 'it' you're referring to, Chifuyu. Valhalla? Hanma? Gangs? The violence? My memories with everyone then? What are you REALLY wanting to know? "
He frowns. " So? You going to tell me what brought this up? " He asks, arms folded across his chest as he gives Chifuyu a pointblank stare. " Because it's not fair. You've never asked about Hanma or Valhalla. No one has. No one even says their names for fucks sake. So the fact you are now means something came up. " His frown deepens, shoulders hunching inwards like a shield. " It's not fair that I get to be on trial because I had good memories with my gang at the time and be condemned for that and everyone else gets to have their good memories. " He draws in a shaky breath, finally tearing his gaze away. One or the other. You can't have both. Did that apply to this? He couldn't have good memories of Valhalla AND still like this? No, no. maybe he was just...misunderstanding. The phrase makes his stomach ache. Maybe he's just understanding all of this.
" I thought..." His voice fades. I thought at least you actually believed in me. His head falls for a moment, opening his mouth like he wants to say something more. My mom did this, you know. When I first got out of juvie. Tiptoed around things she wanted to say. Instead he shuts his mouth and lifts his head to look at Chifuyu again with a business-like expression. " So? Can you just tell me what this is about? What you really want to know? Maybe I can answer you better that way. Just........say it. Even if it sounds terrible, I'd rather just hear it then play this game. " He stares at Chifuyu, the stoicism cracking. " Please. "
