#offworld vacations

Chapter 5: Fundy learns about the Cinnabon Shop

"I feel like I’m going to hate this" Fundy said with a nervous but excited energy in his voice

"That is a way to put it" Iskall answered smiling

Fundy waited for Grian to open the door but the blond just looked at him right back. So he stepped forward and pushed the door just to enter and freeze in place.

"What the fuck" he said loudly this time. Hearing the two Hermits behind him laugh at his reaction. He turned around.

"Who is crazy enough to do this?!" He said pointing at the conveyor belt made of at least 12 ancient debri.

Grian just laughed harder while Iskall approached

"Is not just this" the cyborg replied taking a pickaxe out of their inventory and mining one of the debri and then pressing a button that pushed another ancient debri forward

"Is like this for all of these"

Fundy just stood there. Confused, amazed and possibly terrified. He thought the ice shop was weird but they had a shop for ancient debri? That they called ‘The Cinnabon Shop’ ?

No wonder three stacks of diamonds was just pocket money for them!

Chapter 7: False's vertical boat

And then he saw a boat going upwards vertically through a water stream.

"What is-" Fundy was going to ask

"A futuristic boat going up a water stream" False explained with finality, no room for questions.

Fundy had seen a lot of things in the last couple of hours, but for some reason a vertical boat was the thing that was going to make him lose his marbles.

"Boats don’t work like that. How... just… HOW?!" He questioned again but the builder besides him just answered "Is just a vertical boat"

He had seen boats and ships since a young age and that just wasn’t how a naval vessel should work. He could deal with stupidly big structures made by a single person but a vertical boat? That crossed the line!

"False! what do you mean is just a vertical boat?!"

The blonde tried to keep her composed air, but the level of investment Fundy had in this particular thing was truly endearing, so she giggled.

"False!" Fundy said indignantly. His tail fluffing up and his ears pulled back a bit, had he more fur he would have puffed out by now. He was even pouting like a small child.

"I told you Fundy. Is a futuristic boat going up a water stream"

"That looks like a regular boat! Why is it vertical?!" Fundy demanded to know

False just laughed

Chapter 8: Fundy reacts to Impulse's base

"Iskall is that another base?" Fundy asked directing their attention forward

"Yup! That’s Impulse’s base!"

Fundy had looked at it at first while practicing with the elytra, he dismissed it since he assumed it was an important building for the server considering it’s magnitude and technological appearance. But after seeing False’s base he realized the structure was probably just another insane creation done by one Hermit to use as a base.

"Why do you guys need such big bases?" Fundy asked, now noticing that the pyramid had a foundation that went all the way down to the sea floor. Because of course it did.

"Well some of us just like to make big builds" Iskall explained "Some Hermits like Impulse just have a bunch of farms in their bases so they need the space to fit them all. The lower part of his base is a a kelp and drowned farm’" they said, pointing at the subaquatic section of the pyramid

"How long does it usually take you guys to complete these things?"

"Hmm. Well depends how much time you put into them. My tree is not finished yet and I have spent months working in it, but I work on it from time to time instead of constantly. Other Hermits spend a ton of time in their bases and they finish them pretty quick. And then you have people like Impulse who has rebuilt his pyramid like three times all in under two months"

Fundy blinked. And then he blinked again.

"What?" he asked trying to find a reason why someone would re-do such a massive structure

"Oh yeah. Impulse tore his base down and built it back up again three times now. First just to make it one block higher and the other two times because he didn’t like the color he used for the accents" Iskall said. Tone painfully casual

Fundy would have violently reacted but he was in the air and he couldn’t express his disbelief appropriately. Instead he decided to be concise

"What the fuck is wrong with you people?"

Iskall laughed at that

"No. I’m serious! What the fuck?!" Fundy insisted, his disbelief sounding almost like anger

Iskall just laughed even harder at his reaction.

"Iskall!’ he whined demanding answers

"Sorry. Sorry dude" Iskall said between laughs and chuckles trying to settle down "Is just. You sound so angry"

"I am angry! You are all ridiculous! and nobody has given me an explanation aside from ‘it looks nice, it looks cool, I just wanted to do it’ who wouldn’t be mad?!"

Chapter 12: This is a STARTER BASE?

"Is the mansion outside your base?" Fundy asked, still looking around the place.

"Yup! That 's my base!" Grian said proudly

"So… this is...?"

"Oh, this is just my starter base" Grian answered nonchalantly "We often create a small base when we arrived to a new world while we get settled down and get resources to work on our main base"

Fundy gritted his teeth.

Small? He hadn’t looked around but it looked like this place had at least two floors and many parts branching off. This would be a very cozy place to have back in DSMP. And here it was just… a starter base? What?

Grian turned around to look at him. ‘You okay?’ he asked.

Fundy’s ears perked up "Yeah! Just… you guys are insane! It is kinda infurating how you do all this stuff and then dismiss it" he said with a huff "Your ‘small base’ would be a really nice place back home."

Chapter 13: the HermitGrind and their farms are about to make a Fox commit violence

"The blocks in the ceiling…is that dark prismarine?"

"Yep!" Grian replied

Fundy had never used that block before, but he knew those could only be acquired by dying prismarine blocks or mining them from ocean monuments. The question was… how in the entire universe had Grian managed to get enough for his stupidly big build? There was no way of knowing for sure, but he could estimate the ceiling was made up of at least a thousand dark prismarine blocks.

"How did you-" Fundy was about to ask, eyes opened comically wide.

"Oh I didn’t. I bought all of those from the shopping district" Grian laughed.

Then which Hermit was the lunatic that had gathered this? And how?

"Okay well, and who did it then?" Fundy asked

"Impulse! He has an elder guardian farm and he supplies all of us with all the blocks we could need from ocean monuments: all types of prismarine and sea lanterns for example."

At the mention of sea lanterns, Fundy remembered the gigantic sphere of lights that rested just under the glass dome of False’s base.

Could a single person really manage to do all of that?

"What about the concrete?" he asked, only now taking into account the ridiculous amount of grey and light grey concrete that made up a majority of the mansion.

"There are two shops that sell concrete, but many of us also just craft our own" Grian said "I clearly bought mine" he added.

Fundy did the mental gymnastics. Concrete required gravel, sand and one piece of dye to craft.

He looked at this- this thing in front of him and just had to word the equal fascination and horror that grew in his mind.

"How do you even produce that much concrete? False’s giant tower and her city looked like it was also made from concrete..." He huffed.

Grian just smiled and waved a netherite shovel from his inventory around. "With this… and a lot of patience"

Fundy just looked at the blond. His disbelief must have been visible on his face because Grian added:

"We build farms but some tasks just can’t be automated. So you just have to take a day off and grind away." He shrugged.

Fundy blinked, ears perking up and tail fluffing up. "No way."

"Yes way" replied Grian smiling.

"No fucking way! You just dig sand and gravel for hours!?"

"Days" Grian clarified.

"DAYS?!"

"Well… I mean… that is if you are a Hermit who needs things immediately, or if you have to stock a concrete shop. Otherwise you would go to the barge and buy it from there in bulk."

Well that did make sense, they all had a lot of diamonds apparently, but same as the concrete, someone had to dig all that…and if the Hermits bought from the barge-

Fundy looked at Grian who smiled sweetly in return, making Fundy’s hands clench a bit.

"How?"

"With a lot of shovels and patience" Grian answered.

Fundy grabbed the blond’s collar "Grian!" he whined in disbelief.

The blond just laughed.

Chapter 14: Sir your base is freaking alive? WHAT?

“I gave Fundy a tour of your base” Grian said

“You did?” Mumbo asked

“Why did you give it lives?” Fundy asked

“It looked like a cool idea” Mumbo admitted

Great. So Fundy could add to the list of reasons Hermits did crazy things 'it was cool’ as another reason.

Both Grian and Scar chuckled and Mumbo looked confused “What?”

“I think Fundy is about done with all of us” Grian answered

“You don’t say” Fundy replied clenching his fist enraged at how utterly ridiculous they could get

“Wot? But I did nothing!” Mumbo replied chuckling nervously

“Oop” Grian manage to say looking away and trying not to laugh

Fundy threw his hands up in a clear sign of annoyance. His tail fluffing up “Building a giant temple with stuff around it and giving it a beating heart and systems to simulate it’s alive is not nothing!” Fundy complained

Grian and Scar laughing out loud with Mumbo just looking dumbfounded but smiling unapologetically just stirred Fundy more.

Chapter 18: Scar's chest monster

“Scar what the FUCK is this!?” Fundy complained the moment he landed at a gigantic chest monster he had spotted when flying away from Scar’s Big Dig.

“Oh. Is just my chest monster” Scar replied nonchalant

Fundy just looked around. There had to be at least one hundred or maybe two hundred shulker boxes thrown around, not even counting the ridiculous amounts of double chests also scattered throughout all the place.

“No! Grian’s mess is a chest monster! This is just a leviathan!” Fundy kept on complaining completely done for today

The taller builder just laughed.

“It is all my resources organzied. I keep them all here so I don’t have to travel between the Magic Village and here for materials” Scar explained

Organized materials. Organized his ass. Fundy was sure he was going to open one of those things and it was going to be a horror show. He approached a double chest labeled as ‘wood’

“Can I open this?” He asked

“Sure” Scar said

Fundy did just to find stack upon stack of sand.

Sand.

Sand.

A chest labeled ‘wood’ was filled with sand.

He slammed the chest closed and stood up, throwing his arms up, annoyed

“I’m so done with you! I’m so done with all of you!” He complained

Scar laughed some more “Wait Fundy-”

“Wait no!” the fox said looking at Scar with a serious face “You Hermits are so cool but I can’t with all of you. All of you are ridiculous! This is too much for me! I’m going back to the omega tree!”

Chapter 19: What IDIOT would do this?

(My fav introduction to a Hermit so far)

He approached the end of the jungle and had to land on a tree just to take in the view in front of him.

The evil tower was not just over a hill but that hill and it’s surroundings had been terraformed with blackstone and lava, and if he had to guess based on the previous experiences that was all placed by hand. An entire landscape had been terraformed with blackstone and rivers of lava.

A handmade blackstone landscape.

Of blackstone .

The same blackstone that was only available in basalt deltas and bastions in the nether.

Oh. So that’s why Iskall had said the tower was just a part of the base. The entire biome was probably handmade for the base.

Fundy scoffed, and then he laughed in disbelief.

Surely Scar’s Big Dig had taken a lot of time by excavating such a gigantic hole all the way to bedrock, but his builds were made in concrete, still costly but still relatively easy to get because everything was on the overworld.

But getting enough lava and blackstone by hand to terraform such a big area was another thing.

Grind in the nether? For blackstone? In the basalt deltas?

Nope. These people were crazy, truly ridiculous, they had no regard for common sense or decency. This was awful.

As an admin specialized in terraforming worlds this was horrifying to see. He was going to see this on his nightmares, no one would believe him.

A handmade basalt biome on the overworld? Yeah right.

And that was ignoring everything else. If he looked past the custom biome he saw a pit the size of his house or even bigger on one side with the replica of a spaceship built inside of it like it was a hangar for the vehicle. He also saw what seemed to be blueprints for another build in the distance, and a…. small sand igloo? And even if that was tame, if he looked further in the mesa, past the desert, there was some sort of white building with black accents big enough to be seen from where he stood. And also a gigantic drill?

Yeah! The big evil tower did seem just like a part of the base with all these pieces, and still it was gigantic.

And it was on a custom biome.

If Fundy didn't lose it before he was definitely going to lose it now. And this was just his third day here, how was he supposed to go back and see regular buildings the same?

How was he even supposed to talk to the idiot that went and made a handmade blackstone biome?

His answers were immediately answered when his communicator rang with an incoming call. He took it out and looked at the screen.

[Incoming call from Rendog]

Chapter 20: this damned terraformers I swear

“Why not build digital blueprints?” Fundy asked

“Sometimes the sense of scale is lost or you have to take the terrain into account and since we have to build everything by hand is better to have an estimate on just how much time we are going to spend building. A digital blueprint might take seven hours but an actual build even in creative test worlds can take days” Ren explained

Huh. So there was more method to it.

“So Scar just… builds his stuff twice?” Fundy asked, it was a huge effort but it would make more sense to prepare like that to undertake such big projects

“Oh no. Scar is a mad man. He just finds a spot, takes a photo, sketches concepts for it on his notebooks and just… builds” Ren replied nonchalant

Fundy almost choked on his own spit again. “ What? ” He croaked

“Yeah dude. Scar is just…. Scar is just Scar. Is amazing! You should see him terraforming! You just hand him some dirt and stone and BOOM! You’ve got a mountain in just one night” Ren said proudly

Fundy just felt terrified. “On… on one night?” He asked

“Yup! The mountain in the shopping district he did it with Bdubs just the day before the mayoral elections and he won like that”

Two people building a mountain in one night? Fundy had to sit down, this was far too much for his poor brain, he had terraformed entire worlds to have mountain ranges, but that happened automatically and took at least two days for the terraforming tools to complete that task.

Sure an entire planet was a far bigger scale than just one single mountain. But yet two people doing one mountain in one night should be impossible.

“Fundy are you alright dude?” Ren asked curiously when he saw Fundy sitting on one of his shulker boxes.

The fox simply put his head between his hands.

“Fundy?” Ren asked again, taking one step forward and laying a hand on his shoulder

“I don’t understand!” he complained aloud, startling Ren

“Why the fuck do you do this? Seriously why?” Fundy demanded answers, gesturing wildly with his hands

Chapter 22: Fundy listens about the LogFella court case

“Uhh… who is Python?” Fundy asked sheepishly, trying to get Doc to stop.

“Oh! He is an old friend!” Ren replied, ears perking up excitedly. “He was a Hermit but after we moved out of colony six he moved to Legacy!”

Wait. Hermits moved out of Hermitcraft? Why? Why would someone leave this place? Did they get bored? But how? They seemed to have a lot of things to do.

“Oh.” was the only thing Fundy said.

“Pretty swell guy!” Ren said.

“That's easy to say when he bailed you out of jail.” Doc scoffed back jokingly.

“No, he released me from jail!” Ren corrected. “Scar never said there was a bail option.”

What.

“I don’t remember that from the trial.” Doc countered annoyingly.

“You're lying! You were there!”

What?!

“And I don’t remember Scar not saying there was a bail option.”

“Oh you- you- you are so annoying!” Ren complained.

“Uhh… what the fuck are you two talking about?” Fundy asked, utterly lost.

Both Hermits stopped their petty conflict to look at him before Doc replied with a grin.

“Ren committed crimes against all Hermitkind and he was prosecuted.”

“I JUST STOLE SAPLINGS, HOW WAS THAT BAD?”

That answered none of Fundy’s questions and instead gave him several more.

Did the Hermits have a legal system? Did they also have prisons? Was stealing a legitimate crime punishable by a jail sentence? How were they talking about this so casually?

“Is this…uh… is this like you guys having wars but not like…. War wars?”

Ren and Doc only stared at him after he asked that, both visibly confused, before Ren’s ears perked up in realization.

“Oh! Yeah… kinda… yeah… that just happened for a bit because the other Hermits said we were annoying so that was revenge but it was not a permanent thing.” Ren explained.

“We said you were annoying? You were annoying man!” Doc complained.

“Not the point!”

Fundy just stared baffled before he realized how silly the situation was, making him go from being confused to being baffled. “You… you created… you created a legal system… because… because some of you were annoying ?”

“Basically.” Doc replied.

He thought the buildings and the riches and everything else he had seen so far had been already too much for him, but somehow he had found yet more ridiculous things the Hermits would do.

“I will kill you… I swear I’m going to kill you.” Fundy said, his expression going from baffled to absolutely livid.

“Huh?” Doc asked, confused.

“Oh no! We’ve angered Fundy again.” Ren said, chuckling awkwardly.

“Why is your bunch like this? Why?”

“Kid?” Doc asked, genuinely confused.

“He just thinks we are ridiculous.” Ren explained.