#off stream

DZ is dead.

The Mayor executed him for the death of her friend(?) he caused.

We knew this would come soon. But I didn’t expect to watch it happen.

Everyone is quiet now. It’s so quiet that it’s loud. It’s so loud.

Something something Hunter feeling special for being tasked with taking care of his “poor, ageing, unfairly cursed” uncle and, in his mind, returning the favour for the man taking him in when he didn’t “have” to (as far as Hunter believed, up until Hollow Mind), when in reality it’s likely Belos didn’t actually raise Hunter in the sense a parent raises a child. He gave him the bare minimum needed to perform his function, filled in the gaps with an unhealthy dosage of brainwashing and emotional abuse, and then largely left the kid to his own devices unless he needed to serve as something to him. He gave the plant some room and some sunlight, some shade from the boiling rain.

Something something only Hunter fluidly, dutifully takes the Emperor’s hand when the curse suddenly strikes in the beginning of “Hunting Palismen” - only he and Belos are accustomed to this tradition, and Hunter holds that with esteem - he’s special that only he gets to see his seemingly dauntless uncle in such a dangerous state, and only he can be tasked with those “secret missions” because Uncle so “caringly” told him he could trust him, away from everyone else. Only he gets to take care of the old man and see him as that - only he gets to have that perceived “normalcy” and he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. And Phillip chooses that - he doesn’t want anyone else as his right hand, anyone else as the person who speaks to him privately in the throne room or holds him during the first tremors of the “curse” but the downtrodden replica of his dead brother, who was supposed to only ever care about him and take care of him. Hunter wasn’t allowed to interact with other scouts, probably even with other Coven Heads besides the necessity of missions. Because Phillip’s Grimwalker is just meant to be his brother, and his brother is supposed to only have eyes for him. After all, it’s not like the real Caleb, growing up orphaned with a younger brother in Puritan America, would have gotten many chances to actually have a life outside of Phillip often.

Something something Hunter only seeing life through words of worth and compensatory actions of service, leading him to that constant distrust of other children as though he isn’t one, leading him to that constant blind trust towards some adults he doesn’t actually owe. In his view, whatever happens with the adults he cares about is on him, and how they treat him must be a reflection of how he’s doing...that’s how he learned everything he knows under Phillip and the Coven Heads.

Something something Darius or Edalyn or somebody takes Hunter in and the first thing Hunter does is make a mental map of what “missions” they would/might want him to do, including physically caring for them. There’s that moment of unspoken shock where he talks normally about something that, he is later told, is not actually that normal and shouldn’t be for any child.

Something something Hunter remembers that Darius mentioned his predecessor was his mentor and was so strong, Hunter trying and thinking that he might fail to be that person and that once again, he would have disappointed someone who saw him for someone else and expected him to be someone else. 

Something something Hunter is eager to impress Edalyn and try to claw through the horror that was the long-staining memory of Flapjack’s death but palismen-carving turns out to be something he isn’t instantly good at, and his confidence is shattered, because what is he if he’s not good?

Something something Hunter genuinely didn’t know that adults had to take care of kids in more ways than just providing shelter until he saw his friends’ families, until he saw Luz being cocooned safely in her mother’s arms - in a warm embrace of unconditional love, until he saw Gus and Willow and Amity drawing family pictures and Vee welcomed with open arms despite her being so physically different from the rest of them, despite her similar past of being abused by Belos and this ideology.

Something something Hunter going through every stage of guilt imaginable because he was once part of the cause of their suffering, in one way or another - even if it hadn’t entirely been his fault, even if he hadn’t known. Somehow...everyone was hurt because of him. Flapjack. His friends. His uncle. 

Something something Hunter once listen to Camila talking about how she loved Luz the moment she saw her when she was born and continued to love her daughter despite their differences, or Edalyn talking about how she took in King after she found him alone and didn’t want him alone any longer, and thinking, with a moment of disbelief, how strange it was that you were meant to love someone without having a clear plan of what to do with them - that you could love someone without expecting anything from them and still be happy, that you could give so much to someone and not expect an exact list of compensations in return. That maybe....the closest thing he had felt to that kind of “blind love” was maybe when he had first been created, when Phillip had maybe been fond of him for how similar he looked like Caleb - when Uncle let him take care of him. That other than that...perhaps no one had looked at him and instantly wanted him for what he was.

Everyone in this house is making me feel insane about being afraid of leaving the base. We live in an apocalypse for gods sake. We have a base that is semi safe, why would I want to put my life on the line to run wild through the city when we are mostly self sufficient?

I know how bad I am at surviving, I mean I barely survived by myself after everything happened and I know I’m not good at watching out for myself. So why would I give up my nice safe home. Why would I want to push the line with people that could destroy us? Why would I want to play with my life like that? With my roomates lives?

They are so reckless sometimes and it scares me. I don’t want to be in danger for being associated with them. And I don’t want them to die on me either, I can’t be left alone again. I don’t know why they don’t understand.

Maybe I’m just too high strung..