#oceanofthoughts

But you never notice how long i have survived and borrowed light. Every silence in me was first born from you leaving, every storm you call "to much" was began with the gravity of your own hands.

Still, you rise each morning believing you are blameless asking the moon why she no longer glows without ever wondering what it feels like to only be seen when the sun decides to look.

Lately, I realized that I become a needy person. Again. I thought I've overcome this long time already but no, I was wrong. I guess, it will be always with me.

Ever since I was a kid, I always craved attention. I needed Mommy and Daddy because they are always working. I badly needed someone to talk to but I often end up being scolded every time by my Tita's who are taking care of me or, worst, by Mommy. I needed a family conversation the most. I needed those words of wisdom and the I love you's. I needed my brother but we tend to fight a lot because he doesn't like me. No one does. I am no ones favorite. I thought I was my Dad's favorite because we were so close and he is my idol but people change, I am not an example or a favorite for him now. I felt the change and I was kind of hurt. I am my Mom's enemy ever since. Everyone knows that. We fight a lot. She scolded me a lot. She had pinch me, in every part of my body, many times already. Sometimes in front of a family or other people. Because of all this, I felt embarrassed all my life and I hate it because I became insecure, coward, and  I feared a lot of things.

Now that I am a grown up, my neediness grew stronger. I am still craving for attention. I still need to be understand by my family. I am still an enemy for my siblings. They hate me. I felt left out most of the time. Whatever good things I do for them is just a waste. I thought Mommy and I are in good terms already since I lived in Manila, we talked and texted a lot when I'm in college, but after I graduated and lived here again my childhood came back. I still felt not liked by her and I felt I am her enemy again. Until now, I still need a family conversation. I want them to ask me how I am doing because I am not okay. I am not doing good. I am sad. Whenever I tried talking to them, they will just get annoyed because I talk a lot loudly. Especially my siblings, they hate me talking a lot. I thought I over came this neediness when Dennis came in to my life. He become my best friend and my confidante. He spoils me a lot in so many ways. He listens a lot and he talks when I needed words. He gives me everything my family didn't gave me. But I'm still wrong with all this 'overcoming the neediness' because I don't think I needed everyone's love and care anymore. I realized I needed myself because I lost 'me' in these phase of making everyone like me. Sad but it's true. I lost the optimistic me. I got so depressed.