#obnoxious behavior

Kitty Junior goes through these phases where she will not eat unless her food is served in her Special Dinner Bag™ and it's so silly.

She refused twice so I put the exact same food in this bag and she voluntarily crawled right in and ate immediately. She crinkled the bag to let me know she was done.

This seems like a very good time to talk about the psychology of Internet communication, because there seems to be too many people who don’t understand how online communication is different than face-to-face.

Back in the nineties, it was already being identified by psychologists that people communicated differently on the Internet, and through computers in general. Flame wars on online forums were frequent and vicious, and nasty comments would often come from people who were very nice to talk to offline. Psychologists wanted to know why.

There were a few important conclusions they came to. First, was disinhibition; the idea that the anonymity allowed by computer-mediated communication removes inhibitions to behavior that is based on social norms. That is, if people are anonymous, they stop being worried about what other people think of them, stop being restrained by what is expected, and unleash their underlying anger and bitterness on random strangers on the Internet. Or sometimes they really, really overshare personal information, sharing intimate details that they would never, ever say in person.

This negative aspect to anonymity is why both Google and Facebook (and a few others) have tried to force people to log in to forums with their real names and disallow anonymous users, in an attempt to curb the problems of anonymous flaming and trolling. The problem, though, is that while anonymity is one of the factors that allow flaming and trolling, anonymity also serves a very important positive role, in that it allows people to do positive things that they can’t or won’t under their real names. Things like queer young people finding help and support online, if the family or community they are in is not supportive, or people getting help for mental health issues like depression or suicidal thoughts, because if it were known that they were getting help, it could devastate them personally or professionally. And that’s not to mention anonymous whistle-blowers.

Anonymity is only one piece of the puzzle behind why people behave in obnoxious ways online. People who have experienced nasty online attacks (like Zoe Quinn, the target of Gamergate) have said that many of the most persistent and obnoxious trollers are blatantly and proudly doing it under their real names.

So what else is going on?

Another piece is deindividualization, which is a fancy psychological term for the fact that because we can’t see or hear the other person we’re talking to, it’s really easy to forget that it actually is another person on the other end. The person becomes a symbol, or a voice inside your head and an aspect of yourself; all of those are often something we deeply love or deeply hate. Zoe Quinn was the target of the immature males of Gamergate not because of who she was as a person, but because she became a symbol of what they hated. She quite brilliantly circumvented this psychology by answering her phone in person, even at the height of the abuse aimed at her, to force the callers to talk to her as a person. As she describes in this video, most of those who called to spew abuse at her, found themselves unable to do so when confronted with the fact that she was a real person, and not just a symbol.

And then there’s the lack of social cues. We very rarely realize how much meaning we are getting through body language, facial expression, voice tone and gestures when we talk to someone face to face. And because we don’t realize how much meaning we’re getting over and above the words, we don’t realize how much we’re missing when we’re reduced to just the words of an email or an online post – but we fill in that meaning from our own biases and insecurities, sometimes ascribing meaning and intention to the other person that simply isn’t there. More than once I have sent emails with what I intended as sincere questions or helpful comments, only to have the person I sent it to respond with hurt or anger, telling me that I was a bad person for writing such a horrible thing to them. They had read meaning into my words that I hadn’t even thought was possible, but they had seen as my only, obvious intent.

So if there is an email sent to you, or a post you come across that you find insulting or offensive or profoundly ignorant, then first of all, stop, and don’t respond immediately. Remember that it’s easy to over react, especially if you don’t stop to think first. And when you do stop to think, remember that it’s another real person on the other side. Is your response something that you would say to that person if you were talking face-to-face? If the answer is no, then it likely isn’t something you want to say by email or social media, either.

The next thing to think about is your interpretation of the message – most pieces of text can have several very different possible meanings, as I have found out the hard way. So consider; what other meanings might have been intended? If you know the sender personally, think about what meaning that person is most likely to have intended if he or she was talking to you in person. If you don’t know the sender personally, give them the benefit of the doubt, and assume that they meant the least obnoxious or offensive meaning possible. If you aren’t sure about whether the person meant something offensive, ask them. If you think they said something offensive by accident or through ignorance, explain it to them calmly and clearly, without accusations or insults. If they clearly meant something offensive intentionally, ignore them, they are not worth your time.

I know this doesn’t work all the time. I’ve sent emails or responded to posts too quickly (especially when I’m tired) and later regretted what I’ve said; I expect all of us have done that at some point. To some extent, this post is just as much as a reminder for myself, as anything, because I find that if I keep these things in mind, of how the psychology of computer-mediated communication works, and how to deal with it, regretful incidents happen much less often.

Here’s to better, happier, more understanding, less anger-filled communication.

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